5 Tips to Help If Your Husband Watches Too Much Porn

First and foremost Welcome! Second, I am sorry that you are reading this article, but hopefully it will help for things to get better. Third, before you go anywhere else make sure to check out our “Support for Partners” forum. I think it might be even more helpful than this article.

The following video series from http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series give one of the best explanation of pornography addiction. (Sound starts at about 4 seconds in)

Short on time? Skip the videos and read the rest of the article including 5 things that you can do to help your porn addicted husband and yourself.

Click Here to watch the rest of the video series.

Is Your Husband Addicted to Pornography?

Possibly, a more helpful approach is to avoid thinking in terms of black and white, but rather to take a closer look at what extent pornography affects your husband. In his book, “Treating Pornography Addiction” Dr. Kevin B. Skinner recommends looking at various levels of behaviors associated with pornography use.

Level 1. Mild exposure – once or twice a year, no effect on regular life.

Level 2. Pornography use does not suggest addiction – occasionally looking at pornography with increased interest.

Level 3. Signs of trouble – person looks few times a month, usually tries to avoid it, but occasionally urges get so strong that it cannot be controlled, and person gives in.

Level 4. Individual notices increased sexual fantasies, and attempts to control them, which results in stronger withdrawal symptoms.

Level 5. Pornography impacting day-to-day living with significant part of the day spent thinking about pornography.

Level 6. Pornography dominates most of the day-to-day life, affecting work, school, and personal relationships.

Level 7. Pornography and acting out consumes most of the individual’s time, leaving him feeling completely out of control.

Large part of men in modern-day society fluctuate somewhere between levels 1 and 4 throughout their lives. The real danger comes when men begin to pass these levels. By the time I finally accepted that my pornography use was not healthy I was somewhere between levels 6 and 7. By that time most men are very likely to cheat or do something illegal.

Worst Case Scenario of Pornography Addiction

One man in my recovery group provides a good example of where excessive pornography use may take a person. He progressed from regular porn, to hardcore porn, to crazy-sick porn.

He started looking at dating sites and chat rooms. Eventually he met somebody online who was willing, able, and ready. When he showed up at this person’s house he found out that it was a police operation and the guy ended up doing some jail time.

I believe this story illustrates really well how little our society understands the negative effects of pornography.

I was raised thinking that looking at pornography was a normal behavior, and literally almost everybody that I knew did it. If anything, I viewed it as a healthy alternative to cheating.

By the time I was 25 I was spending up to 8 hours a day watching porn and even came close to breaking the law before I finally realized that I had a problem.

When my at the time girlfriend first approached me about my pornography use, I thought she was crazy. If it wasn’t for her pointing out my behavior, however, I would have never connected the dots and continued to act out until I would have ended up breaking the law.

So if you do decide to approach your husband about his pornography use, be prepared to defend your position. Chances are he will not be very open minded about it at first.

Call (916)259-3827 To Learn More

Negative Effects of Pornography Viewing

Here are some of the most common negative effects that excessive pornography use can have on a person and those around him or her.

  1. Being emotionally distant
  2. Defaulting on commitments
  3. Decreased sexual interest towards one’s spouse
  4. Decreased interest in healthy activities
  5. Poor performance at work
  6. Difficulty concentrating

You might be interested in reading 5 Brain Chemicals in Healthy Sexual Act and How it is Different from Pornography Addiction.

5 Things that You Can Do Today to Help Your Relationship

1. Talk to Your Husband about His Pornography Use

He might not be aware about effect that his pornography viewing is having on your life, and he will never know how you feel unless you tell him. It might not be the most pleasant conversation you’ve ever had, but it must be done. Bad news never get better over time.

2. Talk to Other Women Who Had Same Experience

You can contact Our coach Michelle for first free consultation. We have a good number of wives of porn addicts post on our porn addiction forum under Support for Partners section.

3. Consider Installing Accountability Software or Internet Filter on Your Computer

I would not recommend doing it behind your husband’s back, but nothing bring honesty faster than knowledge of 100% accountability for one’s actions.

Two programs that I recommend are Covenant Eyes ($10 per month) which keeps log of all internet activity on a computer and K9 Web Filter (free) which blocks unwanted content.

4. Educate Yourself About What Your Husband is Going Through

I recommend reading through our Free Recovery Course. It will help you understand your husband (and may be even yourself) better.

5. Educate Yourself About What You Are Going Through

Consider reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal ($9 at Amazon) to help you understand how your husband’s pornography use might have caused you psychological trauma.

I wish you all the best in your relationship and your life. Even though you might be going through tough times now, I am confident you’ll be able to get through it and come out on the other end as a stronger and happier person.

P.S.

Michelle, author of Mishka Wife of Sex Addict is now one of our Recovery Coaches. She’s been featured on Anderson Cooper for her courage and written up in a number of international publications. She saved her marriage and is now working with women all over the world.

Call (916)259-3827 To Learn More

She would love to give you warm welcome, listen to your story, and give you her advice and support. Here is a video of her introducing herself to the Feed The Right Wolf community.

She also runs one of the most popular podcasts on the internet with her husband call Sex Afflictions and Addictions. You can listen to it here.

Call (916)259-3827 For Professional Help

P.S. Recommended Resources:

  • Sex Addicts Anonymous
    I cannot imagine my recovery without this program.
  • Mindful Habit Course by Coach Craig
    Great advice from a great person.
  • Free Podcast and Mini Course from Candeo Can
    I owe my first 90 days of continuous sobriety to this program and highly recommend it.
  • Internet Accountability Software
    Using this software allowed me to get truly honest with my internet usage for the first time in my life. For some reason knowing that my every step was being observed and reported on, made it really easy to use internet only in a healthy way.
  • Treating Pornography Addiction by Kevin B. Skinner Ph.D.
    I have read over 15 books on Pornography and Sexual addiction and this truly is one of the best books on the subject. The reason is I recommend this particular book is because it is full of excellent actionable steps. Other books do a good job describing the problem, but don’t really offer a realistic solution.
  • Your Sexually Addicted Spouse – How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens Ph.D.
    I know that about half of visitors to our site are spouses of people who might be suffering with pornography and sex addiction. To the best of my knowledge this book is one of the most helpful books for the partners.
  • Free Consultation from Coach Craig
    Coach Craig has been a good friend and supporter of this site since January 2013. He has worked with people from all over the world, including famous musicians and other high profile individuals. Yet, he is only a phone call away and would be glad to give you a free consultation. Call him anytime, with any question you might have, and I am know he will be extremely happy to help in any way he can.

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Comments

  1. says

    I was addicted to porn at age 11 and I came across red tube I masturbated several times a week I’m almost 15 and I’m a chritian I still haven’t told anyone yet

    • Anonymous says

      A couple times a week? You know that’s the national average, right? You’re fine, health-wise. However, it sounds like there’s a conflict between your choice of religion and you’re choice of sexual activity. Better to talk to someone than to let it foster feelings of guilt and shame. At least your can know that you’re an absolutely normal, healthy teenager. Good luck finding someone to confide in, and don’t settle for any shaming, judgemental garbage.

  2. Anonymous says

    What gives with a porn addicted husband who thrives on bringing porn site internet hook-ups everywhere he and his family go? He blends them into his family life as a means to “discreetly” hook-up. Creepy. If they go on vacation he invites his hook-ups. Thier motto is “all us friends like to hang together.” If they go to the grocery store, they are there. He often pre-arranges for a porn girl to be some place where he is planning to take his wife. Very queer. “Your wife will never know” another motto is because he does it right under her nose and if you are a trusting wife would you ever in a milion years s expect something this crazy? He communicates with them via What’s app? real time networking, facebook, twitter, tumbler, and other social networking sites, dating married sites that have private emails through the site, as well as GPS. They always know where he is. Sleazy looking girls as well as “high class” escort girls (if that is not an oxymoron.) They have him on GPS and follow him in large groups even as he takes his wife out for an intimate Valentine’s Dinner at an upscale restaurant. they have to be with him. When they arrive, he will parade his wife around the girl/s /couples (which is supposed to be unbeknownst to the wife ha-ha joke is on him). Very weird. His wife finally caught on and she had us come to “discreetly” watch one day (so she would have confirmation that she isn’t crazy, ha! like he tries to tell her)and it is the wierdest thing. Even when they go to church, he will pre -arrage for youing girls and even old women (whom he calls MILF’s) from porn sites to be present all aound and even sit behind them in church!!! Is he a voyeur or what? Freak, hey? Yes, he takes his wife to the beach and suddenly a couple will appear next to them (of all the people on the beach) and start undressing and fondling each other on the public beach. His wife has confronted him and he laughs and says he has nothing to do with it. It is all “happenstance” which is a word he has never used. The man is sick. We suspect he is making porn or is acting in porn and cannot get out even if he tried. They do not seem to let him out of their sight. At times he seems almost robotic and tries to create arguments. He seems like he cannot think for himself. It is scary. We think he needs deprogramming. He seems brainwashed. We do not think he is allowed to read porn recovery books. Balks at them and refuses to read them. Gets downright angry. How do we possibly help someone who is apparently so far gone? Funny thing is he tries to tell his wife it is her imagination and he never cheated on her. He refuses to divorce and tells her he is in love with her. He is living a double life. Twenty-five years married, and the little boy in the middle aged body is a stranger to his one time beautiful bride and current precious family. We will hold fond memories of the boyfriend, husband, and father that he used to be when we walk out the door in exactly two weeks. He has broken our hearts and has no remorse or any ablity to empathize. Narcissistic actually. We think he actually believes his own lies. He said he can pass any lie detector test. He received a call from Monserrat o his cell phone and it is reported to be a phone number where listeniing to the message will “erase all the memeories from any of your dirty deeds” so you can pass lie detector wthout knowing you are lying. This is so, so sad as this was a model family in the community torn apart by this crap, worthless junk called porn. Such a pity to see such an intelligent man with a great job and education fall prey to somehing so damaging as porn. They target professional men may I add WEAK professinal men and DUMB professional men. They are trained to spot the weak men that will fall for it. And before you know you are in Van Nuys performing for them. I suppose nobody has any suggestions for this guy because I have run out. I pray for him always, but, want nothing to do with him as of this writing. Amen.

    • Anonymous says

      So many accusations and information about a third party you’re supposedly wanting nothing to do with. If the wife knows and this is how it is, your part is over. Better to MYOB and walk away.

  3. Marco says

    I am a sex addict. My wife is aware although she doesnt question me about it. I have been watching porn since the age of 4 (sneaking into my Dads stash). My porn viewing has escalated from soft core to some pretty filthy stuff that which after Im done viewing it I feel ill to my stomach and even ask myself why I do it. I try to be a good husband. I by her flowers once in a while, I send her love texts, I help her out around the house. I very much do love my wife and I want her all of the time….. except when she is not there. I fall into my dark place at work mostly , craigslist is the devil in disguise. Although I have never acted on any of the posts I fear that one day I might…. yet I cant seem to stop my self. I feel so ashamed all of the time. IM a good person in all other aspects of my life and I dont understand why I cant stop thinking about it. I feel broken and alone because I cant even tell the most important person in my life that the person who she counts on the most is sick in the head. I wont do that to her, even though I know that she would forgive me.To all the women that are reading this I say to you , your husbands love you and if they are anything like me they dont know why they cant stop. I believe that I will over come my urges but I know it will take time and patience . I just dont want to lose control anymore.
    It feels like im fighting a war with a wooden sword,
    Im tired of feeling ashamed.
    Regards
    Suffering alone.

    • Alex says

      They key is to stop suffering alone. There are online forum, in person and phone 12 meeting groups, coaching, counseling and everything in between available at your disposal. Make sure to take advantage of them.

  4. Sarah says

    I dated my husband six years before we were married. Throughout our relationship there were times when I discovered that he had been watching porn. We didn’t live together, and he blamed his addiction on me not being around. Although upset, I figured it was normal, and tried to ignore it. About a month before we were married, I discovered that he had e-mailed someone through CraigsList, contacted her for “A good time, no commitment.” He stated that he was disease free, so there had been intention to at least fool around. I was devastated and confronted him. He told me it was a mistake and that he had never cheated on me. He said that the woman never responded, and even if she had nothing would have happened. He promised me that it wouldn’t happen again, and that once we were married he wouldn’t need porn.

    We’ve been married for two years, and my husband looks at porn at least daily. He continues to contact women on CraigsList and another similar site. When I catch him he says that he likes the thrill of it and would never cheat on me. A month before I was due with our son, he e-mailed a woman a picture of his penis, asking her to call him so that they could have sex with no commitments. I can’t imagine how he would react if I did something similar. He blames watching porn on our lack of sex life (we have a newborn, I’m tired and busy).

    There are times when he has admitted that he has a problem, and I have suggested counseling. He says that it would be far to embarrassing. I feel so fragile, like I could just break. Is there anything I can do? I love him, but dealing with his addiction is very painful.

    Thank You.

    • Alex says

      There is occasional watching pornography and in some marriages, and although I don’t think it’s a great idea, I know it goes on a lot.

      That being said, what your husband is doings sounds like playing with fire. I would advice for you to encourage him to get help. Either through getting counseling or coaching, through going to 12 step program like Sex Addicts Anonymous, or combination of both.

      Regards,
      Alex

  5. Jeanie says

    I have been married for 30 yrs. I am near 60 yrs old. We have 3 grown children (who we raised well), and a younger 16 yr old son in high school. My husband never watched porn in our marriage, until 4 yrs ago. We had a normal, actually fantastic, sex life throughout our marriage. One of us always did something to spice things up, but it NEVER included porn. Four yrs ago, I had to get a computer for work at home, & with the internet service, came digital cable as part of our pkg. And I believe that our new service brought about a curiosity in my husband & subsequent behaviors that I never saw in 25+ yrs. One night, 4 yrs ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to discover him watching soft porn. I was shocked, kind of laughed & asked, “New curiosity?” He said that he guessed so, but we both agreed that since we have a child still at home, it was not a good idea to be viewing any type of porn. He said he it was just a crazy whim & it would never happen again. Less than a week later, I caught him again. Again he said he’d stop, but he didn’t. Flash forward a month, I caught him watching hard core porn movies that he paid for on cable tv, but this time he’s masturbating to it. I caught him 6 more times, & he’s always masturbating. Finally one night, our teenage son catches him. How do you explain that to a son about his father? It’s not easy. Anyway, he tells me that our son catching him has made him realize that it must stop. And it does stop, or so I thought. For 4 yrs he never watched another porn in our house. I was elated. I constantly told him I was proud. But then, I started noticing him looking at women when we were out in public, mostly young women, even teens the age of our granddaughters. He had no interest in sex with me, repeatedly refused me, & when I would practically force him, he was impotent & couldn’t function with me at all. I also noticed his near complete disconnect with me. He only half listened when I talked to him. No more bringing me little surprises, no more love notes, no saying I love you unless I said it first, and much more “no mores”. Even other people noticed the difference in him. I sat him down. It took 4 days for me to drag it out of him. Six months after he stopped watching porn at home, he started watching it at work. During lunch at work, when most but not all of the workers leave the building, my husband pulls himself up to his desk in a back corner of a large room. He views porn & masturbates under his desk. Sometimes there’s a couple people at their desks with their backs to him. He thinks he is being discreet. If he is caught he will definitely be fired. Can you believe this? I am appalled, besides feeling betrayed, hurt, cheated on, no self-esteem & the whole ball of wax. Ok, he said now it has been 2 months since he has done it. I have to say that I have noticed some improvement in him. He said he was sorry. He had never apologized before. He says he is going to do his best to be the husband & father I expect him to be.He says he is ashamed of his behavior & that I didn’t deserve to go through this. He also says he will call me with a catch phrase if tempted at work to let me know he needs my support. He says he will be honest if he slips & tell me. I felt like he should get treatment. He asked to try to do it on his own first. I don’t know how to handle it. And the second thing is, I have no idea how to respond to him if he calls me with his catch phrase letting me know that he’s tempted. Or God forbid he calls me & tells me he slipped up. For me I am hearing “I cheated on you.” Please help me to know the right things to do. I am very very anxious

    • Alex says

      Well,

      I would highly advise your husband against trying to do this alone. It just doesn’t work. In my experience, support of other people (and not just of spouse, has to be other people too) is much more likely to help person get better.

      I would also encourage you to connect with some of the women on our forum for support.

      Regards,
      Alex

      • Jeanie says

        Thank you for responding to me. Here’s part of the problem. We live in a tiny rural area, no cities nearby. The nearest city is over 100 miles. There are only 2 support groups near us for men. The first is a 12 step program for all addictions, with a heavy concentration in drugs & alcohol. My husband does not drink or do drugs. He has never even smoked a cigarette in his life. In fact, he never seemed to have an addictive personality in his life. I’m the one with the addictive personality. The second support group for men is for sex offenders with sexual addictions. I was told that the core of the group are men who have been convicted of sex crimes, rape, molestation, etc. The other choices are psychiatrists, psychologists, marriage counselors. What kind of treatment would we pick with those choices? Also, when he feels somewhat normal (like right now), he lives in fear of scandal. Everyone around here knows everyone. When he is deep into the addiction, fear of scandal obviously goes by the wayside & he risks everything. You know, the year before my husband started watching porn, we watched my best friend’s brother lose everything due to a porn addiction. This man had a high up position in the justice system. We knew him well. He was a great guy & everyone respected & loved him. No more. He lost his wife, his job, & went to jail due to the nature of the porn he viewed. He is the brunt of many cruel jokes around town. My question is, why would a 60 yr old man, who saw what happened to someone we know, even want to put himself in the same position to go down that road too? I just don’t get it. Until he gets proper treatment, how do I respond if he calls me with his “catch phrase” to let me know he’s tempted,or worse that he slipped up? You know at my age, I don’t need this or want this for me, our son, or anyone involved. I have some anger, but more hurt. Also, what women do you want me to hook up with & how do I go about it? Thank you.

        • Stacy says

          Jeanie,

          Try XXXChurch.com it provides a list of resources and more support. You and your Husband can join suppport groups, submit questions and read other spouses experiences. My Husband in an addict and he has relasped again. I have been so understanding, supportive, loving and accepting. We have talked to our Pastor, had counsel, joined XXXChurch, prayed and talked. We agreed to a transparent relationship or so I thought. Then, the dozens of emails from pornographic or adult “hooking up” sites reappeared in his inbox and I received email alerts from XXXChurch.

          I am really broken and I see my feelings towards him changing. I want to forgive, support and love him but I am very hurt. Knowing that he is seeking sexual circumstances outside our marriage that will hurt him, me and our relationship is beyond my comprehension. But, I can tell you this… you need to heal and recover in your own way just as your Husband does.

          This site also offers free software to monitor everyones comuputer. It relieves your suspicions and may help deal with his quilt.

          Hope it helps!

          • Jeanie says

            Stacy, thank you so much for your info. I am so sorry for the situation you are in now. It is so much more difficult when you think that things are going well & everything in your life blows apart again. It makes me wonder if we can ever have true love & happiness with a porn addict. My husband too, agreed to be open & honest with me 4 yrs ago & apparently lied the entire time. He told me yesterday that he fully intended to honor all of his promises to me when he made them, but the addiction was pulling him too strongly in the wrong direction & he couldn’t control it. My husband is a very private man (probably not good for this situation), and really thinks he can quit it all on his own. Most support sites advised against it, & I think he should get some help, but he insists he is going to do it. He has been walking around for a few days saying “I don’t watch pornography”. He said he is going to say that to me everyday forever. I asked, “So if you don’t say it, I have to worry?” And he responded, “That day will never come because “I don’t watch pornography”. Now, if my husband lies when he makes that statement, I will know instantly. He is a terrible liar. If I had looked for lies these past 4 yrs, I would have seen them. But, I didn’t look because I wanted to show him I trusted him. I will try to get hooked up with your suggestions. He will come along if I suggest it. He just doesn’t know it yet. Like you, I will be as supportive as I can. But, he is the one who has to take the lead in conquering this horrible addiction, & I need to see extreme effort on his part. My feelings for him have changed too. I had him on a huge pedestal & thought he was the most loving man in the world. But to start looking at young naked women after 25+ yrs of marriage, just doesn’t quite seem like love to me. To hurt me, betray me, lie to me, deceive me, destroy our marriage, our family, destroy my self esteem & whatever else….just doesn’t quite seem like love to me. Does it to you? When he told me he loved me recently, I told him “not enough” He said “What do you mean not enough?” I answered, “Not enough to safeguard our marriage from outside destructive forces. You let them in & now you need to throw them out in the trash, or I’ll just walk away from all of it & you can deal with it on your own”. I don’t get why a man who never watched porn in 25+ yrs of marriage & watched the brother of a best friend destroy his life with a porn addiction, would ever subject himself to the same circumstances. What is wrong with men? I don’t get it! It is too crazy for my comprehension. Anyway, sorry for babbling & thank you for your support. I feel sorry for your circumstances. Porn addicts whose wives leave them, end up the sorriest & saddest men on earth. It’s too bad they are too foolish to recognize that before it’s too late.I think porn users (even my own husband) are creepy. They are like silent predators, who pray on young women in their minds. Yuck!! Thx again.

        • Alex says

          I would recommend talking to our Sponsor, as an alternative to more traditional counseling. You can read more about it on our homepage.

          Also, something to keep in mind, is that all 12 step programs have phone meetings. http://saa-recovery.org/Meetings/ElectronicMeetings/index2.php

          One more things, you’ve said that you don’t get why he does what he does. Well, I don’t get why I do what I do when I am acting out either. I do know that it is not logical. In other words, our thinking brain shut down for the period of acting out, and we don’t get it back until after we are done acting out.

          Also, to connect to other women, I would encourage you to check out our forum: http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/forum/viewforum.php?f=9

  6. Kayla says

    Hello, My name is Kayla and I have some concerns about my husband and his infatuation with pornography. Honestly I am trying to figure out if he truly has a problem or if it is me that has a problem with porn use. I have confronted him about it before but he usually just blows up and tells me he views it more like art. That for him it is more of a hobby. I have never caught him masturbating to porn or anything like that however he downloads at least 2-3 videos a day and spends most of his time on porn sites. He is relatively secretive about viewing porn (he won’t look at it unless I can’t see his screen). His background on his laptop is a slideshow of various women (naked and clothes). But honestly what hurts me the most is that he comments on girls photos on various websites telling them how much he loves their bodies or thinks they are goddesses and what not. He also buys porn. Now he has slowed his purchasing. He used to spend roughly $500 a month but has gone down to about $50- $100. I know this is an improvement but it still kills me. I feel like i am being cheated on. Like I am not enough for him. I am currently in counseling for self confidence issues and issues with balancing my emotions. I have spoken with my counselor but truly think we both need to go so that we can get to the root of the porn infatuation. Please help. I just need to know how to approach the situation without him feeling like I am blowing things out of proportion. Or your opinion if I truly AM blowing things out of proportion.
    Anxiously awaiting your response.

    • Kayla says

      I forgot to mention that our sex life is relatively normal. It hasn’t diminished and he hasn’t become aggressive or anything like that. He tells me that the porn has nothing to do with me in the sense that I am letting him down or anything like that. I spice things up by sending him naughty photos and making specials little videos for him. He mainly likes to watch girls solo playing with themselves which I believe is why is hurts me so much. I go through his computer, not as much as I used to, and I know I shouldn’t because A) it’s not going o stop anything, if anything it will make him do it more just to get back at me for snooping B) it just further hurts my trust in him and makes me continuously doubt myself. I suffer from depression and this truly hurts my confidence and self worth because my husband means so much to me and I just feel like I am at fault. I am just in a dark place with the situation and have no clue what to do next. Someone please help me.

      • Alex says

        Hi Kayla,

        So its a very tough question. My personal opinion, is what your husband is doing is hurting your relationship. But you are on a port addiction site, so what did you expect me to say.

        That being said, I know that in real world things are not that simple. I would highly recommend do everything you can to drug your husband into counseling. You’ll need help of professional to work things out.

        That being said, I believe that a good relationship requires compromises on both sides. If something hurts you as much as porn does, he should probably make an effort to decrease his engagement with it, or at least you guys should work out set of rules that you are both okay with, and then he can operate within those rules.

        Regards,
        Alex

      • Anonymous3 says

        I can definitely relate to you Kayla. I am in such a dark place right now because my husband has been having relationships with women on Facebook. I recently just found him corresponding with someone on Facebook who is all the way in Venezuela. The same woman who he said last year he wasn’t going to talk to anymore and deleted off his FB page.(supposedly)
        I too don’t want to leave over his addictions that goes beyond porn but I should not have to deal with this, it’s like he has no respect for me or our marriage. He blocked me as a friend on his FB account and I found multiple email aliases on him.
        He just recently apologized and said that he won’t do it again but after nearly 9yrs of marriage I don’t believe him. I just need some support and he needs a exorcist

  7. Hurting says

    My husband has always been the light of my life, together we have five children. I’ve always known that he had a problem with porn and just accepted it until recently when I found sites of preteens in underwear and searches for sexy preteen or 12 year old. I confronted him, I broke down and was hardly functional for days. I am functional now but do not know what to do. He says that porn has always been about the taboo to him and that he doesn’t actually want to do anything to anyone that age and doesn’t think about doing it but it is more about the rush that he isn’t supposed to be looking. He confessed that at one point he would search for bestiality, incestual, and other extreme porn. He says that it started innocently enough but over time was never extreme enough, that afterwards he would always have a feeling of shame and guilt and that he wanted to stop. He started to seek therapy today and is trying to find a free tracker to put on his phone and the computer so that I can see all of the sites he goes to and be his partner in being accountable. He says he doesn’t want anything to do with porn at all and wants it over, that he will leave if I want him to but would do anything to heal the relationship. What do I do, are my kids in danger, is it normal for porn use to escalate like this? I need help.

    • Hurting says

      I want to add that in none of the underage were they nude but in all honesty that doesn’t really make me feel any better about it.

      • Alex says

        I suggest you get in touch with our coaches as soon as possible. Your husbands addiction is getting out of hand. He is walking a fine line and is really close to breaking the law (if he haven’t done so already). Just imagine the cost to him and your family if he’ll and up watching and getting caught with child pornography.

        • Hurting says

          That is where I am at at this point. I don’t know what to do and if this is normal escalation. I certainly know that this isn’t normal behavior for a person but I don’t know what other people’s experience with porn addiction have been and if anyone else got to that point before they stopped, or if they were successful in stopping after getting to that point. I honestly don’t know if I should try and help him to get over this or walk away.

          • Alex says

            I would not call it normal, but it is fairly common. If you should stay or walk away is decision only for you to make. BUT I would highly recommend you give coach Michelle a call before you make up your mind. First call is free.

            Regards,
            Alex

          • Hurting says

            Thank you. I called and left a message. I guess it just helps to have some sort of outlet. This whole thing is so “taboo” that I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it.

          • Stacy says

            Hurting,

            Try XXXChurch.com it provides a list of resources and more support. You and your Husband can join suppport groups, submit questions and read other spouses experiences. My Husband in an addict and he has relasped again. I have been so understanding, supportive, loving and accepting. We have talked to our Pastor, had counsel, joined XXXChurch, prayed and talked. We agreed to a transparent relationship or so I thought. Then, the dozens of emails from pornographic or adult “hooking up” sites reappeared in his inbox and I received email alerts from XXXChurch.

            I am really broken and I see my feelings towards him changing. I want to forgive, support and love him but I am very hurt. Knowing that he is seeking sexual circumstances outside our marriage that will hurt him, me and our relationship is beyond my comprehension. But, I can tell you this… you need to heal and recover in your own way just as your Husband does.

            This site also offers free software to monitor everyones comuputer. It relieves your suspicions and may help deal with his quilt.

            Hope it helps!

  8. Kate says

    My husband and I have known each other for about 6 or 7 years now and have been married for 5 months. About 2 months ago I found porn on his cell phone. Before I had found it, we had conversations about how we feel about porn. He doesn’t think of it as cheating, but I do. It really hurts me, and he knew that. So, when I found the porn I was devastated! I felt completely shattered, like I wasn’t good enough any more. Like I’m too heavy or not attractive enough. All because the women he was looking at did not look like me at all (you know, the size 0 girls with size e boobs, the usual). I told him how it hurt me that he was looking at it and how I wasn’t going to be married to a man who watched porn. He promised he would stop.
    Then, today, I picked up his phone on my way to the bathroom to play one of the games that he has on there, but before I opened it, I got curious. Good thing, too, I guess. I found more porn. And lots of it. I don’t understand how he could still be watching it after the last time he did, I told him it was me or porn. This time, I told him that he better stop and I was serious, me or porn. Next time he would go back to living at the barracks and would stay there until we found a counselor and he got over his addiction.
    I can’t share my husband with women who I know look better than me. It makes me feel like total crap. Like I’m not enough for him. Like I don’t look good enough. It breaks my heart and my self-esteem. He knows this. It broke me, and I can’t trust my own husband at all. I’m so hurt.

  9. says

    Hey Alex I have been checking out your site and it’s great, I have started up a faith based site over here in the UK please check us out and maybe you could recommend us.

    Girvan

  10. says

    I am totally lost. I met my now husband 5 years ago, we lived 150 miles apart. We would meet and get together as often as we could, and we both wanted a BDSM lifestyle 24/7. I am a submissive and he is the dom. We dated for 2 years long distance and our sex life as one woud imagine was awesome. Now, he is several years older than I. 60 and I 48. I knew when we were chatting online while not together he was looking, reading porn, which I did not see a problem. I never even considered an addict. I moved in with him 10/2009 and our sex life was regular and active, and awesome. I loved submitting to him, giving him myself totally and completely. I trusted him and was willing to try anything he wanted to try. The newness was perfect, he never went over board, but I noticed that when he got home he would run straight to the computer, and me being me I waited on him hand and foot, he never had to do anything. I did everything even as much as dressing him socks, underware, longjohns if they were required, shoes and tieing them. Put his coat on him. I was at his beck and call. I loved worshipping him, but the porn got to be a ittle much in my eyes when he would watch porn from the time he got home until he went to bed. Then he made it all better when we had sex.
    I finally got the nerve up and talked to him, i told him how that much porn was affecting me and making me feel left out and alone, neglected. He stopped watching it so much, went to just weekends, when I was doing my school work. Which it gave him something to do I figured it was ok. Our sex life was stil great. In 2010 he asked me to marry him, our relationship had gotten really good. He would spend time with me he would sit by me on the couch and hold me, we would go to movies, out for meals, or just out to walk around the lake. It was perfect or so it seemed at the time. I agreed to marry him. Our engagement lasted from 6/2/2010 to 1/20/2012, the day we got married.
    Then he started changing again. He started going back to the porn, Our sex life dwindled down to hardly none, I mean he would get his, but for me It went as far a 6 months with no release, yet I gave sex to him. I did not mind, I am a hard person to get to cum.
    He was coming home ad right back to straight online watching porn, he stopped sitting with me, he stopped cuddling with me. Our sex went to weekend only, but only on Sunday prior to bedm the rest of the time he was doing the porn. I had to wonder if he was masterbating because I was not getting it much. But I realized he was grumpy, so knew he was not getting his either, even though I was available to him at all times.
    Well I started to talk to him, and he informed me he was having ed problems, i backed him, and we got him help medical, and that did not make any difference, he still would spend no time with me, and all time with porn.
    We had rituals and he basically just stopped them, I started getting so upset,and started having anxiety seizures, I told him what the problem was, that I was feeling like he was negloecting me, and he made me feel unwanted, the depression I put on the 60 pounds I had lost when I moved in with him because of the depression I was experiencing. I kept asking him to lessen the porn, and he said he would, but never did. Its not only he is watching and reading porn every minute he is home if he tries to stay off the porn he ends up there anyway, and he just totally ignores me, he does not talk to me, until he wants sex. I explained again begging him, to stop or decrease the porn and spend just a little time with me. I never asked him to do anything else.
    I did all the mowing, and yard work while he was reading and watching porn.
    I finallly tried to explain to him in my eyes he did not want me or need me except for a cum dump, and maid. I was not like his wife at all. The only I love you was at bed time with a peck good night.
    I am totally devistated now, I do not know what to do. He gets extremely mad now if I mention I am feeling all alone, and blames me. We have been fighting like cats and dogs. I feel there is no connection, no communication anymore. He will talk to his friends and family in texts and on the phone in a day than he talks to me in a week.
    I can sit and cry, he just ignores it. I am at y wits end. I have tried ignoring the porn thoughts, I was a straight A college student this has even affected my grades I am now at B’s. I can not sleep i get hives because my nerves, I can take a whole 30 xanax to prevent my seizures within two weeks when it is suspose to last a month. I burried my self in writing, and actually became a published erotica author, of three books as of this momment. I am even having a hard time dealing with writing now, because he is rubbing himself while watching the porn, we said we were going to get back on track and go back to rituals, and sex on weekends was susppose to come before the porn, ya he just kept procrastinating and kept putting me off until it was to late and he had to sleep for work. The other day I found his cum rag, he knows I feel masterbating is cheating unless we are together. We were in bed he was ignoring me even with me giving him head, he snapped on me, making me cry and I left the bed, he took care of his own needs. I refuse to masterbate.
    Is it really time for me to just face reality that my marriage that is only a year and a few months old is over already? Is there anything I can do? He admits he is a sex addict, because even though I am available to him 24/7 and extremely willing 24/7 he refuses to walk away from the porn and until bedtime and then he has to sleep or he wont get up, he then gets mad and snaps on me telling me I am not doing my job. This has built up to where he is yelling at me fighting with me telling me I am not cleaning his house well enough, I do every room in deep cleaning every single day there is never dirty dishes or laundry I scrub the bathroom from top to bottom, and the tub. I started cleaning twice a day, making sure he sees me cleaning but he only sees his porn, he does not see me.
    PLEASE I AM BEGGING!!!! please help me i am fighting for my marriage i feel like i am fighting a losing battle, i am at the point i am ready to give up my fight and just walk away i dont ask him for much just show me love, hell just hold me for awhile, he never does.
    Any help you can give me to help me save my marriage would be greatly accepted and much needed.
    Thank you
    DESPERATE AND CONFUSED WIFE

    • Stacy says

      Tammy,

      Try XXXChurch.com it provides a list of resources and more support. You and your Husband can join suppport groups, submit questions and read other spouses experiences. My Husband in an addict and he has relasped again. I have been so understanding, supportive, loving and accepting. We have talked to our Pastor, had counsel, joined XXXChurch, prayed and talked. We agreed to a transparent relationship or so I thought. Then, the dozens of emails from pornographic or adult “hooking up” sites reappeared in his inbox and I received email alerts from XXXChurch.

      I am really broken and I see my feelings towards him changing. I want to forgive, support and love him but I am very hurt. Knowing that he is seeking sexual circumstances outside our marriage that will hurt him, me and our relationship is beyond my comprehension. But, I can tell you this… you need to heal and recover in your own way just as your Husband does.

      This site also offers free software to monitor everyones comuputer. It relieves your suspicions and may help deal with his quilt.

      Hope it helps!

  11. says

    It can be frustrating for a man to try and quit porn. Most likely the compulsion for porn was formed in their teen years. And after trying to quit for years, they have now resigned themselves to the compulsion.

    The tips in this article are very positive and it is great when a wife will support her husband to quit porn.

    I would also like to add the website http://www.AdiosPorn.com as another resource to quit porn.

    Good luck to everyone on their journey.

  12. TEJ says

    Please help, I have lived thru year of porn!! About 3 yrs ago I asked him to leave because I was tired to being ingnored with he was watching hours and hours of porn!
    I had been in the ICU in 2005, then I got sick againg in Aug. 2010 with digestive issues and thought if I die anyday it would be without knowing true love. I confronted him and he said he went to therapy! I took him back because he swore he was going to change and he got close to my best friend and my mom so they could help get us back together! So he came home and tried to make everything up to me and it was wonderful for about a year!
    Then I had an attack with from my digestive illness, the doctors did what they could about that and told me I couldn’t be helped by them but that I might have to live with it. Recently I found new doctors that seem so much better, but the nite before Christmas Eve I caught him on the computer, of course he jump up and slammed down the top and mumbled under his breath. I tried to see what he was looking at but he put in a search to delete the internet history!! And again the next day the same thing!
    I have been in chronic pain and some kind of autoimmune disorder for the last 3 yrs and from the different meds and the different problems some days I can’t even get out of bed!
    I lost extreme weight and I do not feel pretty or wanted and then to find him looking at other women again is just killing me because this is the second time he has done it and both times he blamed it on me and I don’t know what I suppose to do because I did change or tried really hard when said the first time it was because I didn’t keep the house clean! (BTW- he also told me word for word that is what his first wife did, too, but she was a single mother and she was a drug problem, probably he was driving her to drugs :(
    Between my illness, the meds, and taking care of 4 children I get no support!!
    I sit and cry from awful pain most days and now because I feel horrible and don’t know what to do!
    The other thing that bothers me is that he is using a computer that all the kids have access to and he thinks just erasing the history will be fine! He has already corrupted 2 computers from looking at porn

    • Stacy says

      TEJ,

      Try XXXChurch.com it provides a list of resources and more support. You and your Husband can join suppport groups, submit questions and read other spouses experiences. My Husband in an addict and he has relasped again. I have been so understanding, supportive, loving and accepting. We have talked to our Pastor, had counsel, joined XXXChurch, prayed and talked. We agreed to a transparent relationship or so I thought. Then, the dozens of emails from pornographic or adult “hooking up” sites reappeared in his inbox and I received email alerts from XXXChurch.

      I am really broken and I see my feelings towards him changing. I want to forgive, support and love him but I am very hurt. Knowing that he is seeking sexual circumstances outside our marriage that will hurt him, me and our relationship is beyond my comprehension. But, I can tell you this… you need to heal and recover in your own way just as your Husband does.

      This site also offers free software to monitor everyones comuputer. It relieves your suspicions and may help deal with his quilt.

      Hope it helps!

  13. TormentedWife says

    i am a wife of a deployed spouse. At home Id occasionally see he gad searched porn. I had a hunch he had been viewing such things while deployed and it was confirmed yesterday. He had been less talkative, less emotional on the phone/messenger and his Skype would go blurry whdn Id get on it was clear when he spokd with other fam members. I once saw him reach up and touch the cam it went blurry as i sat down. He recently got in trouble at work and was transfered elsewhere. I dont buy most of his story on what happened . The new place hes at has more access to internet and he was unhappy i sent him tablet not a laptop. Ive sent him photos of myself that most husbands would be happy to have. I sent topless photos only to discover through his yoytube history that while we were chatting and after i had just sent them he went and sesrched for giant boob pbotos. J being a not so giant in that dept. was deeply insulted. He apologized and said he wouldnt do it again. He said he feels like a caged animal and looked sg my pics every night and wanted to see things moving and that is why he searched stuff. At this point Im very scared uor our marriage. Are my photos unhealthy for him making things escalate to porn use? Should I ask him tk not look at porn? Im terrified hr will cheat if he gets too frustrated. Hes cheated in the past while truck driving. He had condom burns and the same day a girl txted him. He also had a personals profile he denied making. We had moved fwd to a very happy marriage and now hes been deployed and I see he is having ussues. I brlieve hus withdrawel from me is because hes been using porn. He has had vomputer access and has been not skypeing anymore. He ckaims he really wsnt a laptop tk watch movies but I feel he will just compile hrs of porn use on it. I cant share this with anyone in our life and am so tormented inside trying to figure out what to do to keep our happy marriage. I dont want a porn addict coming home. Please any advice is appreciated.

    • Alex says

      Gosh, I wish I had an answer for you, but I really don’t. If he’ll decide to get help for his pornography overuse, I think he could benefit from our site. But he might not even think he has a problem, actually I think it is highly unlikely at this point.

      This is something that you and him will have to work out between yourself. I would advise, continuing to express to him how his pornography use makes you feel. As well as that you feel disconnected, and that you miss your healthy marriage. I would also advise to decide for yourself where you are willing to draw the line, and walk away unless he gets help. About 70% of men whom I’ve met in recovery, only got into recovery in the first place because their spouses said, something along the line of “You’d either get help, or I am leaving”

      • TormentedWife says

        Thank you for the advice its appreciated. He had told me he wouldn’t look at it anymore. Im just nervous he will get too frustrated without it so I need to talk to him I guess. Thanks again!

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