I am proud to anounce that Michelle, author of Mishka Wife of Sex Addict is now one of our Recovery Coaches. While this article is still relavant and helpful, I highly recommend that you visit Michelle’s blog and connect to her directly.
While Michelle does charge a fee for ongoing coaching, her first priority is to help others. She would love to give you warm welcome, hear to your story, and give you her advice and support for free. You can get a hold of Michelle via her email at: mishka@feedtherightwolf.org. Here is a video of her introducing herself to the Feed The Right Wolf community.
The following video series from http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series provide one of the best explanation of pornography addiction. (Sound starts at about 4 seconds in)
Short on time? Skip the videos and read the rest of the article including 5 things that you can do to help your porn addicted husband and yourself.
Click Here to watch the rest of the video series.
Is Your Husband Addicted to Pornography?
Possibly, a more helpful approach is to avoid thinking in terms of black and white, but rather to take a closer look at what extent pornography affects your husband. In his book, “Treating Pornography Addiction” Dr. Kevin B. Skinner recommends looking at various levels of behaviors associated with pornography use.
Level 1. Mild exposure – once or twice a year, no effect on regular life.
Level 2. Pornography use does not indicate addiction – occasionally looking at pornography with increased interest.
Level 3. Signs of trouble – person looks few times a month, usually tries to avoid it, but occasionally urges get so strong that it cannot be controlled, and person gives in.
Level 4. Individual notices increased sexual fantasies, and attempts to control them, which results in stronger withdrawal symptoms.
Level 5. Pornography impacting day to day living with significant portion of the day spent thinking about pornography.
Level 6. Pornography dominates most of the day to day life, affecting work, school, and personal relationships.
Level 7. Pornography and acting out consumes most of individuals time, leaving him feeling completely out of control.
Large portion of men in modern day society fluctuate somewhere between levels 1 and 4 throughout their lives. The real danger comes when men begin to pass these levels. By the time I finally accepted that my pornography use was not healthy I was somewhere in between levels 6 and 7. By that time most men are very likely to cheat or do something illegal.
Worst Case Scenario of Pornography Addiction
One man in my recovery group provides a good example of where excessive pornography use may take a person. He progressed from regular porn, to hardcore porn, to crazy-sick porn.
He started looking at dating sites and chat rooms. Eventually he met somebody online who was willing, able, and ready. When he showed up at this person’s house he found out that it was a police operation and the guy ended up doing some jail time.
I believe this story illustrates really well how little our society understands the negative effects of pornography.
I was raised thinking that looking at pornography was a normal behavior, and literally almost everybody that I knew did it. If anything, I viewed it as a healthy alternative to cheating.
By the time I was 25 I was spending up to 8 hours a day watching porn and even came close to breaking the law before I finally realized that I had a problem.
When my at the time girlfriend first approached me about my pornography use, I thought she was crazy. If it wasn’t for her pointing out my behavior, however, I would have never connected the dots and continued to act out until I would have ended up breaking the law.
So if you do decide to approach your husband about his pornography use, be prepared to defend your position. Chances are he will not be very open minded about it at first.
Negative Effects of Pornography Viewing
Here are some of the most common negative effects that excessive pornography use can have on a person and those around him or her.
- Being emotionally distant
- Defaulting on commitments
- Decreased sexual interest towards one’s spouse
- Decreased interest in healthy activities
- Poor performance at work
- Difficulty concentrating
You might be interested in reading 5 Brain Chemicals in Healthy Sexual Act and How it is Different from Pornography Addiction.
5 Things that You Can Do Today to Help Your Relationship
1. Talk to Your Husband about His Pornography Use
He might not be aware about effect that his pornography viewing is having on your life, and he will never know how you feel unless you tell him. It might not be the most pleasant conversation you’ve ever had, but it must be done. Bad news never get better over time.
2. Talk to Other Women Who Had Same Experience
I’ve already mentioned our coach Michelle. We have a good number of wives of porn addicts post on our porn addiction forum under Support for Partners section.
3. Consider Installing Accountability Software or Internet Filter on Your Computer
I would not recommend doing it behind your husband’s back, but nothing bring honesty faster than knowledge of 100% accountability for one’s actions.
Two programs that I recommend are Covenant Eyes ($10 per month) which keeps log of all internet activity on a computer and K9 Web Filter (free) which blocks unwanted content.
4. Educate Yourself About What Your Husband is Going Through
I recommend reading through our Free Recovery Course. It will help you understand your husband (and may be even yourself) better.
5. Educate Yourself About What You Are Going Through
Consider reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal 
I wish you all of the best in your relationship and your life. Even though you might be going through tough times right now, I am confident you’ll be able to get through it and come out on the other end as a stronger and happier person.
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Filed under: Family and Addiction • Frequently Asked Questions
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Hey Alex I have been checking out your site and it’s great, I have started up a faith based site over here in the UK please check us out and maybe you could recommend us.
Girvan
I am totally lost. I met my now husband 5 years ago, we lived 150 miles apart. We would meet and get together as often as we could, and we both wanted a BDSM lifestyle 24/7. I am a submissive and he is the dom. We dated for 2 years long distance and our sex life as one woud imagine was awesome. Now, he is several years older than I. 60 and I 48. I knew when we were chatting online while not together he was looking, reading porn, which I did not see a problem. I never even considered an addict. I moved in with him 10/2009 and our sex life was regular and active, and awesome. I loved submitting to him, giving him myself totally and completely. I trusted him and was willing to try anything he wanted to try. The newness was perfect, he never went over board, but I noticed that when he got home he would run straight to the computer, and me being me I waited on him hand and foot, he never had to do anything. I did everything even as much as dressing him socks, underware, longjohns if they were required, shoes and tieing them. Put his coat on him. I was at his beck and call. I loved worshipping him, but the porn got to be a ittle much in my eyes when he would watch porn from the time he got home until he went to bed. Then he made it all better when we had sex.
I finally got the nerve up and talked to him, i told him how that much porn was affecting me and making me feel left out and alone, neglected. He stopped watching it so much, went to just weekends, when I was doing my school work. Which it gave him something to do I figured it was ok. Our sex life was stil great. In 2010 he asked me to marry him, our relationship had gotten really good. He would spend time with me he would sit by me on the couch and hold me, we would go to movies, out for meals, or just out to walk around the lake. It was perfect or so it seemed at the time. I agreed to marry him. Our engagement lasted from 6/2/2010 to 1/20/2012, the day we got married.
Then he started changing again. He started going back to the porn, Our sex life dwindled down to hardly none, I mean he would get his, but for me It went as far a 6 months with no release, yet I gave sex to him. I did not mind, I am a hard person to get to cum.
He was coming home ad right back to straight online watching porn, he stopped sitting with me, he stopped cuddling with me. Our sex went to weekend only, but only on Sunday prior to bedm the rest of the time he was doing the porn. I had to wonder if he was masterbating because I was not getting it much. But I realized he was grumpy, so knew he was not getting his either, even though I was available to him at all times.
Well I started to talk to him, and he informed me he was having ed problems, i backed him, and we got him help medical, and that did not make any difference, he still would spend no time with me, and all time with porn.
We had rituals and he basically just stopped them, I started getting so upset,and started having anxiety seizures, I told him what the problem was, that I was feeling like he was negloecting me, and he made me feel unwanted, the depression I put on the 60 pounds I had lost when I moved in with him because of the depression I was experiencing. I kept asking him to lessen the porn, and he said he would, but never did. Its not only he is watching and reading porn every minute he is home if he tries to stay off the porn he ends up there anyway, and he just totally ignores me, he does not talk to me, until he wants sex. I explained again begging him, to stop or decrease the porn and spend just a little time with me. I never asked him to do anything else.
I did all the mowing, and yard work while he was reading and watching porn.
I finallly tried to explain to him in my eyes he did not want me or need me except for a cum dump, and maid. I was not like his wife at all. The only I love you was at bed time with a peck good night.
I am totally devistated now, I do not know what to do. He gets extremely mad now if I mention I am feeling all alone, and blames me. We have been fighting like cats and dogs. I feel there is no connection, no communication anymore. He will talk to his friends and family in texts and on the phone in a day than he talks to me in a week.
I can sit and cry, he just ignores it. I am at y wits end. I have tried ignoring the porn thoughts, I was a straight A college student this has even affected my grades I am now at B’s. I can not sleep i get hives because my nerves, I can take a whole 30 xanax to prevent my seizures within two weeks when it is suspose to last a month. I burried my self in writing, and actually became a published erotica author, of three books as of this momment. I am even having a hard time dealing with writing now, because he is rubbing himself while watching the porn, we said we were going to get back on track and go back to rituals, and sex on weekends was susppose to come before the porn, ya he just kept procrastinating and kept putting me off until it was to late and he had to sleep for work. The other day I found his cum rag, he knows I feel masterbating is cheating unless we are together. We were in bed he was ignoring me even with me giving him head, he snapped on me, making me cry and I left the bed, he took care of his own needs. I refuse to masterbate.
Is it really time for me to just face reality that my marriage that is only a year and a few months old is over already? Is there anything I can do? He admits he is a sex addict, because even though I am available to him 24/7 and extremely willing 24/7 he refuses to walk away from the porn and until bedtime and then he has to sleep or he wont get up, he then gets mad and snaps on me telling me I am not doing my job. This has built up to where he is yelling at me fighting with me telling me I am not cleaning his house well enough, I do every room in deep cleaning every single day there is never dirty dishes or laundry I scrub the bathroom from top to bottom, and the tub. I started cleaning twice a day, making sure he sees me cleaning but he only sees his porn, he does not see me.
PLEASE I AM BEGGING!!!! please help me i am fighting for my marriage i feel like i am fighting a losing battle, i am at the point i am ready to give up my fight and just walk away i dont ask him for much just show me love, hell just hold me for awhile, he never does.
Any help you can give me to help me save my marriage would be greatly accepted and much needed.
Thank you
DESPERATE AND CONFUSED WIFE
It can be frustrating for a man to try and quit porn. Most likely the compulsion for porn was formed in their teen years. And after trying to quit for years, they have now resigned themselves to the compulsion.
The tips in this article are very positive and it is great when a wife will support her husband to quit porn.
I would also like to add the website http://www.AdiosPorn.com as another resource to quit porn.
Good luck to everyone on their journey.
Please help, I have lived thru year of porn!! About 3 yrs ago I asked him to leave because I was tired to being ingnored with he was watching hours and hours of porn!
I had been in the ICU in 2005, then I got sick againg in Aug. 2010 with digestive issues and thought if I die anyday it would be without knowing true love. I confronted him and he said he went to therapy! I took him back because he swore he was going to change and he got close to my best friend and my mom so they could help get us back together! So he came home and tried to make everything up to me and it was wonderful for about a year!
Then I had an attack with from my digestive illness, the doctors did what they could about that and told me I couldn’t be helped by them but that I might have to live with it. Recently I found new doctors that seem so much better, but the nite before Christmas Eve I caught him on the computer, of course he jump up and slammed down the top and mumbled under his breath. I tried to see what he was looking at but he put in a search to delete the internet history!! And again the next day the same thing!
I have been in chronic pain and some kind of autoimmune disorder for the last 3 yrs and from the different meds and the different problems some days I can’t even get out of bed!
I lost extreme weight and I do not feel pretty or wanted and then to find him looking at other women again is just killing me because this is the second time he has done it and both times he blamed it on me and I don’t know what I suppose to do because I did change or tried really hard when said the first time it was because I didn’t keep the house clean! (BTW- he also told me word for word that is what his first wife did, too, but she was a single mother and she was a drug problem, probably he was driving her to drugs
Between my illness, the meds, and taking care of 4 children I get no support!!
I sit and cry from awful pain most days and now because I feel horrible and don’t know what to do!
The other thing that bothers me is that he is using a computer that all the kids have access to and he thinks just erasing the history will be fine! He has already corrupted 2 computers from looking at porn
i am a wife of a deployed spouse. At home Id occasionally see he gad searched porn. I had a hunch he had been viewing such things while deployed and it was confirmed yesterday. He had been less talkative, less emotional on the phone/messenger and his Skype would go blurry whdn Id get on it was clear when he spokd with other fam members. I once saw him reach up and touch the cam it went blurry as i sat down. He recently got in trouble at work and was transfered elsewhere. I dont buy most of his story on what happened . The new place hes at has more access to internet and he was unhappy i sent him tablet not a laptop. Ive sent him photos of myself that most husbands would be happy to have. I sent topless photos only to discover through his yoytube history that while we were chatting and after i had just sent them he went and sesrched for giant boob pbotos. J being a not so giant in that dept. was deeply insulted. He apologized and said he wouldnt do it again. He said he feels like a caged animal and looked sg my pics every night and wanted to see things moving and that is why he searched stuff. At this point Im very scared uor our marriage. Are my photos unhealthy for him making things escalate to porn use? Should I ask him tk not look at porn? Im terrified hr will cheat if he gets too frustrated. Hes cheated in the past while truck driving. He had condom burns and the same day a girl txted him. He also had a personals profile he denied making. We had moved fwd to a very happy marriage and now hes been deployed and I see he is having ussues. I brlieve hus withdrawel from me is because hes been using porn. He has had vomputer access and has been not skypeing anymore. He ckaims he really wsnt a laptop tk watch movies but I feel he will just compile hrs of porn use on it. I cant share this with anyone in our life and am so tormented inside trying to figure out what to do to keep our happy marriage. I dont want a porn addict coming home. Please any advice is appreciated.
Gosh, I wish I had an answer for you, but I really don’t. If he’ll decide to get help for his pornography overuse, I think he could benefit from our site. But he might not even think he has a problem, actually I think it is highly unlikely at this point.
This is something that you and him will have to work out between yourself. I would advise, continuing to express to him how his pornography use makes you feel. As well as that you feel disconnected, and that you miss your healthy marriage. I would also advise to decide for yourself where you are willing to draw the line, and walk away unless he gets help. About 70% of men whom I’ve met in recovery, only got into recovery in the first place because their spouses said, something along the line of “You’d either get help, or I am leaving”
Thank you for the advice its appreciated. He had told me he wouldn’t look at it anymore. Im just nervous he will get too frustrated without it so I need to talk to him I guess. Thanks again!
Ok…u say to act out his fantasies…how exactly are u able to do that when he’s watching porn with girls with large breasts? Because thats what he wants to see! Please explain that one!
Karen,
Just to make sure, you didn’t read me say anywhere to act out his fantasies? Because I do not recommend this, since it only makes the problem worse and delays recovery.
Regards,
Alex
I have been married for almost 11 Yeats. We have 3 boys. I have a history of sexual trauma, being raped and having 2 children in utero because of abuse due to porn. When my husband and I first got married we would have sex 10 times a day most days for the first almost 2 years, even then i would find him masturbating to anything he could find. Then he was deployed. I was diagnosed with a condition and had several major surgeries . Sex became very uncomfortable but I would still try just not as much. While deployed I knew he would look at porn regardless of videos and pictures I would send to him. This has continued for years. If he’s not deployed it seems I always catch him. I’m sure not all the time but enough, at which point he gets mad, blames me. In the last year he has been questioning why I don’t trust him. I told him. E said he would get help, he was or said he was seeing a therapist, who told him it was good to do. But he was going to try not to. I started to trust him again. It was hard to do. A few nights ago I got all sexy in lingere etc and thought I would surprise him, he started a fight, went to bed. I didn’t know how to feel. The next day, we had shopping to do, I told him I was sorry I upset him, tried to make things ok so maybe we could try again that night. We had a great day, really great. Got home and I wanted to tell him something, walked into his game room and he was on the computer, he asked me whats up, I walked closer saw a naked man, and a whole bunch of squares with different sexual scenes I said whats that, he tried to play it off as nothing just an add popped up, then I felt him, sure enough. I said really. He said well I knew we would probably have sex tonight I just wanted to be ready. What does that mean? Since then he has been locked in his game room for 5 days. Missed Christmas, everything. I don’t know what to do anymore? I can’t take it. HELP
Sorry to hear about your struggles especially during holiday season. Could you ask your husband to attend a 12 step meeting like Sex Addicts Anonymous? He doesn’t have to believe or accept anything that goes on there, but may be he can take a look as a favor to you? This could be a good first step for him in terms of getting help.
I also have husband addicted to porn for all 42 years of our marriage. It started when he was about 10 years old. If I had known I would not have married him. I’ve confronted him and he always becomes furious and tries to blame me. He goes to church every Sunday; and tries to appear the perfect man and husband. He will not leave, he has what he wants which is the facade of a good marriage and reputation and his pornagraghy. He can’t relate emotionally to any woman so why would he leave. His porn is his life. I have developed all kinds of health issues, depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, low self esteem, anger which is destroying the real kind person that I am. He is not going to stop unless he is blinded like Saul in the Bible. My advice is get out before it completely kills the person that you are. You can’t cure him only God can. I wish I would have left 40 years ago. God help you both is my prayer for you.
Been married for only a month my husband before didnt watch porn and honestly i love the way he make love to me but…feeling change when he start to watch this porn stuff at first i thought it was OK coz his a man and atleast his not cheating so i let him and sometimes watch with him so we both enjoy it. But this few monthsi figured out that porn is not really healthy to releationship before we used to talk and cuddle but now he rather watch on his blackberry. Than have connection wih me once he came back from his job.
Im not saying his totaly addict to porn but im afraid that with the time he will be i try’na talk to him about it ask him to atleast lessen his habbit of watching it but he reply to me
“Im watching this to make myself fire for u im doing this for u” that word hit me hw really not doing it for me tho. His doing it for his self. Im not really sure why he watch it. I understand that his a man but i cnt understand why he must everyday watch it everyday its like his day ia not complite without watching porn im tired of trying to understand him for his habbit.
My husband and I have a great sex life; always have. We used to have sex multiple times daily, then we had a baby, so it’s reduced down to once every other day. I’ve found out about his porn use, and he had told me he quit. Now, almost a year later, I found a secret memory card he’s saved it all on and looks at it behind my back. He says he doesn’t look at it to get off, he looks at it due to the fact he was raped. He swears he’s not masturbating to it, and he doesn’t want to do those things to me, that he likes our sex life… but I feel like he compares me to those women, and my body is not what it used to be, due to having our child. But he swears it has nothing to do with me or our sex life; so why does he feel this need to look at it? I’ve given up my virginity, my youth, and my school to have a family with him, but he refuses to give up this for me, even though it hurts me emotionally. Help?
I, too, am tired of everything. He watches porn on his blackberry. Our sex life. Was great. Now, I am rejected a lot and I know its not me he is thinking of when we have.. .Sex. I have confronted him many times about it and asked him why he watches it. He always gets an attitude and says, “I don’t know”. I won’t take much more. Because he not only has lost my trust, but there are so many lies apon lies. And. You’re right, we can’t compete , his idea of what to do with intimacy is shattered, his perception. Of a woman is distorted, and even though he says he loves me , he has no clue what real love is.
This sounds like my life to a tee. Wondering if anything has changed as I’m unsure of how to confront this issue..
Dear Friend,
I can try to understand your state of mind… Believe me your husband really does not know or control why he is seeing porn. It is like some internal fantacy that he is trying to quench. I suggest you try to understand what his fantacies are. Only the realistic ones (not the wierd ones). Try to do things that he likes. Love him more and care for him… On a suitable time explain how good it feels to be together and the drawbacks of viewing excessive porn… There is a saying that “Poison newtralises poison” consider viewing a few porn with him and make him realise how mechanical those movies are and how much satisfying it is to do the act with someone you love… I am sure it will help…
Your Friend…
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Portrait of Our Marriage is a fictional memoir. It is erotic, there are very descriptive sex scenes, adult real life romance. The story is about porn addiction from a wife’s point of view. It is over 2 years worth of work. May I add that the sex scenes are not just thrown in there for sex they are part of their relationship and marriage. I believe the issue of porn addiction is very important and more prevalent than people realize. It is also very easy to find information about this issue for men but very little info is out there for or from women dealing with their husbands addiction. The book is not a recommendation of how one should handle the issue but it does show one woman’s journey. My book is so much more than just the sex it is The Story.
I love him with all my heart and I don’t want to leave him. But that constant thought that I have to check the computer. And lookihg at all the conversations and web cam videos (which he saves) and all the money he’s spending. 900 tokens for 75 bucks and its a toke. Per second. Are you kidding me. He doesn’t hide it on the computer or think ill catch on to the towel but he changed his password for the bank and I can’t find his records anymore. I’ve known about the porn on his harddrives from his deployments. And he watches those everyday. I put the harddrive away every morning before work and I come home only to find it plugged in. Like a lot of you. I want to leave him or threaten to leave just to see if he’s going to chase me. This sucks.
To continue what I was saying. Other than constantly checking the history on the computer. I kept finding the hanc towel in the bathroom in the floor behind the toilet. Figured it fell off the counter. Well after we had sex and he cleaned himself up found it in the same spot. And I washed the towels and figured it was just that day. Well I continue to find the towel behind the toilet and I just know that’s what he is using it for. To clean up. It’s sicken. And its beating me down everyday because I haven’t said anything. We have some friends coming in town for a week and Iddont want to bring up the fact that I know before they get here. So I figured I would wait until they leave but its killing me. I’ve talked to a few friends of mine that he doesn’t know and even they think there’s a big problem. What’s the best way to approach it and tell him. Whether its addiction or just him. I don’t know but I don’t know what to say. Ahh.
I am not married, I am very young so i have very little to no idea what you are going through. But i am breaking my addiction but for a while i did very sick stuff. It’s his choice and I am not saying it’s not his choice but, it is amazing how fast this stuff gets out off control. I think you need to confront him but mot in an attacking way that will just shut him down. Just tell him how you feal. If he gets the drive he can stop.
I just made a big move for my fiance and our sex life was awesome up until about a month ago. It seemed to have went down hill and became non existent. I have my issues with sex and my own beig comfortable in the bedroom. I realized the extent of him watching porn when I was looking something up and I typed in l and livewebcams came up. Almost killed me then and there. So I checked the history on the computer. Found that website and many others every day. Even on my birthday just recently. So I decided to bring up how I felt in he bedroom and how I wanted him to help me become less shy. He got defensive about how we don’t have enough sex and kept asking me if I still loved him. Few minutes later we were going at it on the couch. The best sex we’ve ever had. Then I went to work. I came home only to find that he was on that website not even ten minutes after I left for work. I broke down and lost it. He still doesn’t know that I know but I checked the bank records and in one month alone found $1000 to a porn site. And we’ve been having money issues. I just don’t understand it. He has completely destroyed any self confidence I had. and I catch myself checking the computer daily. And without fail he was on there. Any advice.
Dear Friend,
Being a male i can tell you for sure that checking the computer won’t help at all. It will make you loose trust and make life miserable… I suggest… this is more of a psychological issue emotional. The only solution is realisation by your husband… You have to think of steps to make him realise the negative impact. Maybe some live examples. Try to be the devils advocate. Tell him it is ok to reduce if not eliminate… slowly steer him away. May be you both can join some music class or any other sports or hobby class that he likes… remember even you have to show liking for his likings & hobbies… his fantacies. Give him more love… Maybe you can also explore higher studies… Show him the goal and be a guide for the path…
Regards.
My husband hid all of his porn and all of his porn sites from me since we have been together. We dated two years, and have been married for three. Our sex life was good, until over a year ago when it died. I have issues with sex due to some trauma in my past, so I didn’t push it, until I saw money going to places I didn’t know about. I had to get on his mac to do school work and found his links to porn sites, and his e-mail account had some questionable e-mails from sites, and other people. I told him in the past that I hate porn badly, but I feared that if I took it all away from him, it would get worse.
Now he’s changed his e-mail password, computer password, and asks for his privacy. He is looking only at videos now, but even those hurt me. Other then this issue, our marriage is good. Just this morning, I tried to have sex, only for him to get up and look at video’s instead. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive again due to this, and I broke down in tears again this morning after he left to work.
I want to trust him again, but after hiding all of that from me, its hard to, esp. when he knows I hate it and still watches it. Any advice would be nice.
Trust me, he does not want to hurt you. He is unable to control his urge for porn. He loves you. I don’t exactly know why men are more inclined to porn than females. But it is something which goes back to our stone age days when we were evolving to modern Human beings. During those days the primary requirement of a man was to have more offsprings from multiple partners to prove supremacy. It is still sticking in the DNA somewhere… Maybe you can consider understanding his sexual desires. Try to get to the root cause… Share your fantacies with him (maybe you can try to fake a few to match his). Both of you may go for meditation, sport, music or hobby class… Worst case try to visit a psychologist. Hypnotic therapy may help. (Be sure to consult an expert). NEVER BREAK YOUR MARRAIGE it will worsen things. God bless you.
Regards.
Hi, I’ve been married for 26 years. When we first married like any young couple we had sex all the time. I have never imagined him cheating on me or even looking at porn until about 8 years ago. Now he watches it on his computer and the TV with me in the room. We are having problems in our marriage because of it but he refuses to admit that its the porn. I’ve tried talking to him but he still does it. It’s made me not want sex ever again. He is so bad that he has a pump in his shower and my son has caught him masterbating while watching porn late at night. He does not seen to mind if anyone knows he watches them and he says all men watch them. Besides divorcing him what do I do?
Hi Cindy,
First of all, I wanted to say that your husband behavior has clearly crossed the boundaries of what would be consider healthy by most people.
I don’t think it is a time for divorce just yet, but I do think it is time to let him know that divorce will be your only option, unless he agrees to get help. I know it must be hard to hear, but you should consider your children’s well being first. I know I’ve learned a lot of unhealthy views on sexuality from my father, and it took me a fairly long time to figure out right from wrong after that.
I have a boyfriend of 2 years, and he has been trying to overcome his addiction for a long time. He told me about his pornography addiction about 10 months ago himself. I knew he had somethig in his life, he told me he did but never said what it was until that day. It’s been so difficult and I’m finding it hard to cope with at this time, I don’t know what to do. He is still trying but it is so hard for him and he is finding things really difficult as well. We had a disagreement the other day because he isn’t telling me things, they are kept secret, and he knows he should but he says he knows I’ll be disappointed. I was more disappointed that he was going to keep them secret and we haven’t spoken since, he put up a brick wall and won’t let me in. I don’t know if it’s the right thing but I’m just leaving him alone and trying to get on with the things in my life, and hope he will eventually come to me when he is ready. I have no idea of what is going on or how he is and this really scares me, but I think I should just stay away. Is this right? I haven’t really done it before and decided to see how things turn out from it. I was also wondering if it would be appropriate to send this website to him through email (which he doesn’t check very often) or would it be better to tell him about it, perhaps show him, when he comes back to a better frame of mind?
I have been married for about a year and a half and known my husband for 2 years. I admitt its my fault for not getting to know him better before we got together, but I did let him know that if there was anything he felt he had to tell me or do before we got married that he should and I would not be upset. He promised he had told me everything and that he was a faithful christian that would never fo such a thing and has never even set foot in a strip club or cheated with his ex’s. I believed him and thought that a man of GOD would just as he said. Now im left wondering if its me, what he searches and sees truly are the oppisite me. Im deeply hurt and confused, I love him but at times when I see him I am disgusted and angry with him. He tells me to trust him at yes at 1st I did when I found out but he continues to do it. He then gets mad at me, makes me feel like im the crazy one on why Im bringing it up , makes me feel bad because I dont trust him, and sometimes yells and gets aggressive with me hes never hit me but my walls are the ones that get abused with all the holes he leaves. I dont know what to do I have always believed that if I marry Id never divorce, I didnt wanna have a broken home. But this is really breaking me down as a person, I feel lost and alone and as if Im nothing. Please Help
My boyfriend of over 10 years is addicted to porn. I used to be ok with it until i realized how addicted he was. Last October I looked at his mobile phone history and found days and days of porn that he was watching at work. there was also gay videos and she-male videos. Now Im pregnant with our fourth child and question his sexuality everyday. He will not talk about the gay porn besides telling me he is not gay. IM not innocent either, being a victim of sexual abuse as achild I have looked at porn over my adult years and have watched lesbian porn but do not want to be with a woman. Every since I found the gay porn on his phone I have not watched porn at all. Does anyone know if porn addiction can lead to watching gay porn or is he just gay?? Im so confused and hurt and there is no communication b/t us cuz he shuts down and its like talking to a brick wall. Plus he always sneaks, hides, and lies about porn. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!
Porn addiction is scary, and it is very commonly leads to gay porn, transsexual porn, and other abnormal perversions. This usually does not indicate person’s sexual orientation, but rather the level of their addiction. For your boyfriend it sounds like he is in a very bad shape.
In other words, if I were you I would be worried, but not about his sexual orientation, but rather about his addiction.
I just started looking this up due to my boyfriends interest in porn. Weve been together 6 yrs n have a son together, when we started dating we were great n in reality sort of always been, though id always find porn in his laptop or phone hed,say his couson had borrowed it during the day,but we were fine wed have sex regularly, now im lucky if we have sex once a month but last week (since he doesnt have a home charger and used mine) i needed a nite lite to go to rr n used,his phone i got curious n checkd his messages n then his pictures, only to find porn checked the times it was downloaded n it ranged from 2 a.m to when,hes at work. I woke him up and confronted him, said he does that when work is slow, n,den got upset i checked his phone. for couple of days he didnt have,any but last night i checked again and sure enough there was porn..ive read peoples post and like,them he watching,girls who in,no way resemble me im petite while hes watching girls with big breast im not a prude i dont mind porn but imind that hes so into it but doesnt bother with me, im tired of having to ask for affection, of having to make the first move, it makes me feel like im not enough, and from reading his txt last night,at the time he was leaving his bosses he was,getting a mess. From him ssking him if,he was close by making me suspect he wasnt were he said he was, n i told him i found ihis porn only to be told it was no big deal he had just moved to sleep on the floor he got up n left room..i waited n went to see if he was in living room, he was in restroom crying..i dont know what to do.
To the last anonymous,
I must admit, at first your post did not sound too alarming. But your second comment got me really worried. Sounds like your husband is definitely doing something shady in the bathroom.
I think you would have to confront him about it, because it sounds like you won't be able to continue ignoring his behavior.
That being said, there is a chance that he will change for the better as a result of that. Please let me know if I can do anything to help. Also you are always welcomed at our http://www.pornaddictionforum.org for additional support.
Alex
I was going to leave it at that but I just can't. He has an addictive personality and will tell you that himself. He told me he was addicted to pills (of various kinds) before I met him. We are on a tight budget and I keep very good track of our expenses, yet cash just seems to "disappear" from his wallet and he has "no idea" what he spent it on. He's weird about me being in the bathroom with him. Almost every time he's in there, he gets mad if I try to come in or even talk to him through the door. He can't be trusted! What was I thinking?! Why did I marry this man??!!
This site has been very helpful. Thank you!
I know that my husband has been masturbating because we have a terrible sex life. I'm not really ok with it but we're trying to work on things and I'm glad he isn't cheating on me. Last night I found out that he is looking at porn while he does it. He doesn't know that I know yet. I'm still sorting through all of this in my mind. As far as I know he isn't into anything hard, but I know he can be very sneaky and I have caught him in a few lies about other things in our 3 years of marriage. He always clears his browser history on his phone and we don't have a working computer at the moment. I found part of his stash under our mattress (which makes me sick to think about him being ok with me sleeping right over it). I don't know if I should confront him soon or wait until I know it is a big problem. Like I said, I don't know what all he's into. I know he will deny everything that I don't have proof of and will blame me, saying it's because of our bad sex life. I even found a porn picture on his old phone before we were married and he swore to me it wasn't his. He had just gotten his phone replaced with a refurbished one and kept saying it must have been on there before. I'm not stupid but I let it go-it was one picture. I just dont know what else he is hiding. Sorry for being longwinded. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I don't know what to do.
Well here goes… My husband and I have been together 15yrs, of which 8 have been in marriage. Two wks after our 1st Anniversary, and by a sad chance I discovered his porn addiction… Not just hardcore porn, but explicit (very) of himself, a secret email account, email relationship w/some sick excuse for a woman, as well as chat room subscriptions and conversation logs. All our arguments during our marriage have been cause of his problem. He had promised on multiple occasions he would stop, seek help (he just counseled w/our pastor), whatever. Recently (being that a few months ago) I found in his iPhone that he was reading porn (fantisies), which he also was into before. But this time it made me sick to my stomach, since it dealt with incest (child-parent)… Though I was sick & ashamed, for some reason, I was angry but not furious. I didn't confront, I just insinuated I knew, and that he was being warned. Just last weekend, I went to him while he was doing laundry (we live in an apt building & the laundry area is separate from the apts) & he turned anxious & practically begged me to return to get him coins for the washer. It surprised me, I asked him if he was ok to which he said yes and then I noticed he had an erection. I was (am) sooo ashamed, and angry… He was behind a counter, which I failed to go around to and check if there was someone hiding… But I asked him and he said he was alone… that he felt "hot" and was thinking (fantasizing)… I'm like "he was aroused doing laundry???" I still have the doubt if he was alone or not. But, the weird thing is, it didn't hurt me as much as in other instances, which has now made me question my feelings for him as well as our relationship. I'm still angry & ashamed of him; we don't have children (which we had talked about a while back but now I DON'T want w/him), and I'm just feeling "numb"… I'm confused in that if we really have a future together. I'm not speaking to him, only what's necessary & he hasn't done an effort to try to fix things (I have always been the 1-step taker, he's never come to me w/a plan or anything to fix… it's always me)… My mind & thoughts are really in a mess right now… What only comes to mind is "I cannot believe this sick f*!" (I'm being honest… please excuse me). Kindly :Me:
I just wanted to write to Anonymous, Ashley, anyone else that may be reading this board. I am young, thin, pretty and among other things have breast implants/dye my hair/wear makeup/take general great care of myself. My husband is still an addict, though one in recovery. It does not matter what you look like, what you do or who you are. This addiction has nothing to do with you and most certainly has nothing to do with how you look or perceived inadequacies, please remember that.
thats what people say and you are right but how do we get passed that as a person when you are constantly getting hurt by them How do we as women learn to just not let it affect us and how do we let them hear your cry and listen to how it affects you and yet we still have to be there for them who is there for us its like they get their cake and get to eat it and we have to be the ones who hold their hand and say its ok we are gonna get thru this…im sorry but if they want help they should get it and help us hold our hands and say sorry and be there for us I think we put up with tooo much of their Bull
Hey Im desperate because since I found out my husbands porn addiction I wasnt sure until how far it was normal OR If it was normal that he would prefer spending time alone watching porn and masturbating than being with me. He was denying and lying but recently he confessed that he missed time alone to watch porn and masturbate. He even asked me to leave home for 3 hours to satisfy his needs…WHAT SHOULD I DO? does he need a treatment??
Hi Ashley,
I think this site is a pretty good place for your husband to start. It should point him in the right direction.
Alex
Hey I am Ashley have been married for 2 years. I found out my husband was looking at porn 4 months after we got married, I was really upset. So we cut the internet off and started working out and lost 40 pound thinking it would help, but I found out he was still looking at it like at least 4/5 times a week by renting it on the tv, which was costing us alot of money. I was heartbroken. So I put a lock on the tv and it stopped, until about 9 months later we got the internet back thinking I could trust him and the day we got it cut on it started again. I did not honestly know how I felt I was heart broken but I knew it was gonna continue.I am still facing this problem. This is becoming a big problem in our marriage because is it hurting me emotionaly,ever since we have been married 6 months he has problems being intimate with me, another reason its a problem is because it really bothers him,he wants to stop but does not know where to start.
I've been married for about 3 months and have only known my husband for a year and 3months and we have 3 kids together 2 by marriage and 1 together. I knew about his assesive porn watching before we got married I didn't like it then and I don't like it now, since we had our son, sex hasn't been the same, we might have sex maybe once or twice a week. I love him, I tried talking to him he doesn't think he has a problem, he lies about watching it everyday when clearly he has because I looked at the web History, when I first found out I was so disguisted and I was so angry it made me dislike him for a while, I even tried watching it with him it just made me feel real low about myself, i've watched the people he has viewed and the conversations he's even had with some of these porn chics and he compliments them and doesn't even say that to me which made me feel even more crappier about myself, I feel like I'm just nolt enough and idk what will it take or him to stop watching it, I try doing a lot to get his attention and I've even explaned to him that I don't like it, it hurts me everytime he downloads it and watches it, I'm not an idiot I know and he knows he watches it every day, it even sometimes affect the way I raise our kids sometimes because I feel depressed when I knolw I should b happy, at times I think he's cheating on me and evn when he assures me he isn't I still think he does or wants to and is because he watched that trash on the internet, please help, its making me feel a certain way about him that's not good, I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, it makes me not like him and just want out, I hate feeling this way, if he don't get help I honestly think its not going work, I don't know what else to do, since I pulled up this article I know I'm not the only one in this situation and it made me feel better about myself and understand its not just me I guess. Please Help, he doesn't want to see anyone, this is my last resort.
At last anonymous, I think it it affects you in such a tremendous ways you should really tell your husband. Because if you don't deal with this problem now and find an approach that works for both of you, it will only get worse over time.
i just found out my partner its been watching porn,, he told me he was an adict before we moved together, witch was a month n half ago the history says it was viewed 3 times the same day, at first i freaked out n felt ugly n with an inmense lack of sexyness, iot really hurt me, i read ur article, it help a lot but i still wonder what should i do about nit n if i should even worry about it, truth is it really bothers me cuz we just moved in together
Hi KH,
Sorry to hear that. I just have one comment, your husband said: "Yes. I enjoy sex. I enjoy watching the act of sex." And this is a very strong belief, which is instilled in most men in our society since early age.
I don't agree with it, and many more men find this belief to be a complete bullshit. Yes we were made to enjoy sex, but it doesn't mean we have to enjoy watching other people having sex. Especially if it makes the person that we swore to love and protect so uncomfortable.
I also encourage you to post at our porn addiction forum so you can get more feedback form our members.
Alex
I'm sorry..after my birthday and I didn't feel good enough. I discovered this at 10pm it is not 5am and I just can't sleep or stop crying. I hate myself for what he has done and how terrible this has made me feel. HE also looked me in the eyes the first time and said, "Yes. I enjoy sex. I enjoy watching the act of sex." and said that he doesn't see the female as who she is. But shouldn't I feel offended that another woman's private parts and breasts bouncing around are what is satisfying him though he has put ALL the blame on me and my sickness?
Hello. My husband and I have been married for seven months. I was aware of his porn collection the day I moved in and asked him to please dispose of it because he had a wife now. He did, with great attitude. He is aware that I had been molested many times as a kid and grew up with pornography in my own home as a child by my mother's boyfriend. It devastated me back then. He promised that it would not be a problem and said that he had grown up. In January, he got a smart phone and have my birthday, I discovered massive amounts of porn on it. I HATED him! I told him I could NOT handle living with that. I felt so ashamed of myself. I felt like I was good enough etc. I am 22 and have recently gone through surgery for endomitriosis and am now on treatments for it. I was unable to have sex for two weeks. But every day, he promised me that he was not looking at porn anymore. That he REALLY grew up this time. However, tonight, I found a video on his phone, again. At first he claimed he didn't know about it. Then said he had deleted it. Claimed it was just one time then let it slip that there hadn't been as much in the range of two months, since my surgery. And he has put ALL the blame on me because of my treatments for endomitriosis. This has hurt me so bad and it's very hard for me to live with. What should I do? Should I suspect cheating? He only does this DURING his job and just a few days ago, when I asked him to call me on his lunch break, he said he couldn't because he got no reception, didn't like phones and needed alone time for himself. He wonders why he doesn't get a promotion..He's admitted to downloading over a hundred videos at word to "destress" please help me! I am so young and so lost and heartbroken as well as full of guilt!
@ last anonymous, there definitely are men who do not watch pornography. So your husband is confused.
That being said, I do believe that he truly thinks this statement to be true. He will continue to think so until he will meet real men, who do not watch pornography. Sex Addicts Anonymous could be such place. Or you can point him to this blog for starters.
Also, while some people may argue that watching pornography is normal and healthy, almost everybody will agree that it is not healthy for it to start to interfere with healthy sexual life.
So I believe you have every right to feel the way that you do.
Alex
I never knew whether my ex-partner knew that I looked at porn regularly at night or not. I suppose after several years of me coming to bed at 12am-2am, she must have suspected.
My husband and I have been married a few months now and we just had a baby. While I was pregnant, I didn't mind him watching porn since I knew he felt uncomfortable with my belly but now that I'm back to my pre-pregnancy figure I found out he was still watching it. We're struggling with bills since I'm still on maternity leave and I saw that he had purchased a membership for porn websites. When I asked if he was still watching porn when I'm not around, his response was because he was bored and that his friends did it, not because he wasn't satisfied with me. I know he works so hard all the time but it bothers me to know that he watches it when he's "bored" but when I tell him I want to have sex, he's too tired. This isn't the first time we've argued about it and every time I express to him how I feel, he says that I wouldn't be able to find a man that doesn't. Am I crazy for feeling this way? Am I expecting too much of him not to watch it?
To the wife of 12 years,
Unfortunately what you are describing is very common experience for the wives of porn addicts. The best advise I can give you, as in the article. Try to get in touch with other women who have been through this before. They will be able to give you a much better advice than I ever could.
There's another great tool you can try if you want to know what he's looking at behind your back: FindHisPorn.com
I just found out my husband of 12 years has been looking at porn for two years. I found sites on my browser history and he said it was a one time thing. After more browser research on my part I caught him in about three more lies! I am devastated! I feel unloved, ugly etc etc…
I have installed monitoring software, bought a book…
I have read you should not withhold sex so I haven't, but it seems that the porn has been replaced by our sex life! It does not seem like we are talking or healing…just sex. This leaves me feeling dirty!
I need advice on how to handle this. I still feel myself falling into the behavior of just doing it because I do not want to hurt his feelings. Can you believe that! I do not want to hurt his feelings!
I would appreciate any advice!
My husband says, "I just look at it for fun; most of the time don't get turned on by it." I don't buy that for a minute! The ONLY times we have sex, is: if we are drunk, have a/an extra person(s) involved, or porn….it's becoming such a turnoff, that I've seeked other attention. He says I'm 'too available'! WTH??? He should be so lucky that he has a wife that is fun and freaky!
And yes, you should be concerned if he is looking at illegal stuff (mine always searched for "teens" who "looked shy" – ewwwwwww!). He had a Linux box. The best way to figure out what he is looking at (if it is illegal or it is causing problems in the relationship or leading him to neglect his family) is to google how to hide it. Google is the porn widow's friend too.
Learn about your computer and read the sites that teach men how to hide it. Such as: http://techie-buzz.com/foss/how-to-hide-porn-in-linux-this-is-hilarious-and-ingenious-at-the-same-time.html http://www.macgeekery.com/tips/how_hide_your_porn http://www.wikihow.com/Not-Get-Caught-Looking-at-Porn etc. if he is an IT guy you will have a real hard time learning as much as he has learned. In general, it is a lot harder to find a guy's cr*p than just checking browser history. A stack of Playboys, big deal, men have always done that sort of thing and that is old school. This is a new phenomenon and it's hurting relationships in a big way.
Even if he doesn't cheat, it causes problems. Mine spent hours at night looking at it, had hard drives full of it, underworked (and so not earning money to feed his family) because of it, would look at it downstairs on pc to arouse himself, sprint upstairs and wake me up in bed just to use my warm half-awake body to finish off (should I have felt lucky?). When the newness of our relationship wore off, he had to resort to shouting dirty words, ordering demeaning poses, trying to get me to beg by "not proceeding", and creating these dreadful power-over dynamics in order to make sex with me exciting for him, like the porn he enjoyed collecting. He said he'd stop, and then he just learned some new trick to hide it (turning it into other file types or hiding the images "behind" others, he got really elaborate with it). He claimed not to like the stuff when we got married – I only found out too late. He is a good-looking accountant with IT skills who puts on a sort of lost-little-boy air that appeals to women. He boasts in fact that all sorts of women "wave their panties at him". The saddest thing is that he destroyed two relationships with it and more importantly the behaviour associated with it, and now has some poor new girl snagged and on his line. By the time she does find out and the relationship goes south, and they have had a kid or two, he'll have secured himself rights to control her whole life through the kid (Father's Rights rule in the courts these days) and the common law regime where we live will award him half her house too, the poor woman. I wish I could tell her what awaits her, but she would only dismiss my warnings as the sour grapes of an ex or something, I am sure. I am so SO glad to be rid of this guy (divorce is a formality we still have to go through – I am waiting anxiously to shower his last name off me too). From what a lot of women are saying, a lot of guys do this now (are porn addicts). I won't be bothering to date, I don't think. It is just not worth it!
My husband had been dealing with porn for almost 10 years or even longer prior to me knowing it. 2009 , he slipped before Christmas, and we went to porn addict counseling , he told me that he didn't fit into those groups. He did not masturbate during porn viewing and veiwing porn didn't interfere his job/life besides an escape for a few minutes in between jobs. He slipped again 5 months ago. He refused to go back to counseling because he doesn't think that it work for him. He had installed safe eye on his computer and told me that this time, he wants to try it his own way. He still think he could do it himself, if he fail again, he will admit himself into a help clinic to battle his addiction. Is there a place for addicts to go to battle it ? Do u think that he is being honest with me ? He is not sure if there is this clinic or not, but had agreed that no matter where it is, he will go. Do u think that it is true that some man won't get high from viewing porn ? Do u accept his explaination of viewing it as an addicted past time ?… I am so confused. I only know that his breaking of promises and each time when I caught him, the harder it is to trust him any more. I don't feel secure and find it hard to feel real and happy when I am with him. Everything he does, sometimes feel so fake and unreal. Please advise.
Too bad it only works on Windows computers
Easy way to confront him is by figuring out what he's looking at first. It's not an easy task, but I used http://FindHisPorn.com and it was very easy.
Hi last anonymous,
I would recommend confronting your husband as soon as possible. There is no need for you to wait for him to fall even further.
Also I am not sure that withholding sex is a good way to increase consequences for him, I think confronting him will do a much better job at that.
At least that is one addict's opinion.
My husband is almost perfect. I'm reading the comments above and I can relate to them. He has fallen off the wagon again. He doesn't know I know. This time, I'm waiting and observing him. I'm trying to figure out what to do. I know I don't want to leave, but I do fantasize about leaving – funny. The only thing I do know, is my sex drive is gone.
Funny how during the courtship, I really didn't pay attention because the signs were there. Like every other wife, I have tried everything and now I'm trying to live with it but I am so angry. He did not have a pc for 6 months. We were really getting close, or at least I thought.
Anyway, i know how this goes. My father was an alcoholic (aa, alon, acoa, rehab, therapy, domestic disturbance, …) and he didn't quit drinking until the hang overs became to difficult for him to handle. He didn't quit for his wife and six kids, he quit b/c the consequence become to great. Maybe I need to ratchet up the consequences for my husband, meaning no sex with me.
To the anonymous wife of 17 years.
Take everything I say with a grain of salt, and I surely don't claim to have all of the answers. But I cannot help but see what you are describing as unhealthy behavior. Additionally I read that it has got progressively worse over time.
He broadcasted you without your permission? That is crime. I am not sure if you are aware of what kind of pornography your husband is watching, but chances are that too has progressively got worse. And him having web camera sex with women… I don't see how that can be healthy at all either.
You sure are not wrong to feel the way that you do, and please reach out for help. I've provided a few resources in the second comment below this article, I suggest you take a closer look on them.
God Bless You
i am a wife now of 17yrs and my husband has always viewed some kind of porn and I have never viewed it as a threat until now, our sex life by his standards is now boring and I need to come out of my box. I am by no means opposed to thing like oral sex , anal sex and have even performed on the webcam "no face shots" but various sexual acts and have done the pic thing and video thing as well . My problem is that my husband has over the last 6yrs or so become increasingly more aggressive with demands about sex and is continually telling me I need to expand my sexual experiences and venture out or it will cost us our marriage.He has even disclosed that a person very close to us has been the cam watching us and he set it up and never told me, I felt very violated and betrayed …he said he was not obligated to tell me and I opened myself up for it when I agreed to do the webcam thing.And has even had webcam sex with various women……… am I wrong to feel the way I do? Am I a proud?
Nothing good can come out of one partner using porn in a committed relatioship. Porn causes such devastation, and unfortunelly man don't realize it until it's too Kate…. I just want to say I am so sorry for all the women out there dealing withthis terrible issue…. Just know in your heart that it is not your fault…..
Hello, I've been married for about 2 months. But I have known my husband for about 2 years and we've been living together for a year n a half… I found out about his use of porn when we first moved in together…. Porn devastates me….. I feel helpless and its so sad because I love him so much and wish that our relationship could be normal…..
You're a great person Alex
Thanks to your tips and writings, not only have I been better at understanding pornography addiction and ways of abstaining to from it, I have also been seeing multiple positive changes in all areas of my life. I hope you find success in your life and in whatever you do, and I also hope that you keep posting more these beneficial articles.
I wanted to thank all of your for taking the time to comment on this post! Porn addiction is a very tricky situation and can be the most devastating for the spouse of an addict.
My heart goes out to you!
If you have an hour of your time, I highly recommend you watching the following video series that provide a very clear explanation behind the brain science of porn addiction and why it became such a great problem in our time.
My husband and I have only been married for 8 months. I am 26 years old, and he is 25 years old. Ever since we met, we have had an extremely GREAT relationship. I mean that whole heartedly. We never argue, we never fight, basically we have the type of relationship that just seems "too good to be true". So, when I discovered this addiction it hit me like a ton of bricks. In this past five days, I have only slept about 3-5 hr's in each 24 hr period. I spent a great deal of that time researching his web history. At this point, my trust in him was completely gone. He lied to me about the amount of pornography he watched, he lied to me by saying most of the time he didn't masturbate to it, instead he would just be aroused by it, even after admitting that he was addicted. When I confronted him about these new, unnecessary lies he finally started to confide in me. But,I found myself constantly assessing our future, wondering if I should be selfish and take "the easy way out" since I am not the one with the addiction. Luckily, last night I was feeling so overwhelmed and curious that I googled the words " How to know if my husband is addicted to pornography". I was stunned by all of the links that came up. I have read so many different articles about the facts, opinions, and how to help him. Now I know that he is telling me the truth, and how serious and common this addiction is. I stumbled upon your story, and for the past 4 hours I have been reading every single word of your experience. It has helped me identify his addiction,and prepare myself for the possible situations that may occur on his road to recovery. I am so much more confident in my ability to be really helpful to him, and to get the feelings of jealousy and anger towards him completely out of my system. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I would definitely suggest this site to each and every spouse of an addict. I think that it is just as important for the spouse to be educated on this addiction, as it is for the one who is addicted to read and gain more knowledge on how to overcome his addiction. I am bookmarking your site for my husband because I know this will help him now and in the future. Thank you so very much!
Alex,
I am the wife of a recovering addict. I have only known about his addiction for five days now. My first reaction to this discovery was immediate feelings of anger, jealousy, complete shock,a certain disgust towards him but mostly myself, and the feeling of embarrassment. I have heard about people having addictions to pornography, but I never felt that I had any reason to research this topic. To tell you the truth, I actually thought that people couldn't be addicted to pornography. Immediately, he told me that I do "satisfy" him, that he felt really dirty after he watched the material, he also said that when he does it he actually feels like he is not there (like he becomes someone else until he is done, and then reality hits him). This information, to me, seemed impossible. I couldn't understand how you can be disgusted by something and be aroused to the point of obsessive masturbation all at the same time.(I will continue my story in the next post, due to this post being too large.)
My husband cant get it up unless i let him bring porn in the bedroom. Please help!
HI Alex I have been with my husband for 2 years and at first everything was great but as time went on I noticed he lacked enthusiasm to have sex with me. At first I thought he was cheating until one day i heard him in the bathroom only to discover he had been jacking off. This was an every day thing for a long time until i finally said enough. Well that minimized then it was internet porn and we fought about that then i told him i would make a sacrifice and watch it with him only to discover that when he was arousing me his eyes never left the computer screen. I have cried and screamed and cried and slept alone and sometimes not even slept then i discovered he woudl stare at my sisters breasts who are skinnier than i am only to arouse him to sleep with me that night. this has gone on and on for two years he tried to tell me it was me that i was addicted to sex. I will be honest I love sex but i am not addicted i dont have to have the things he does. Well the lateset was on november 8(his birthday) i came home early from my classes only to walk in on him jacking off to it on the wii. I flew off the handle im hurt and i have spent many nights crying at night i wake up with him rubbing himself this is everynight. I dont know what to do this time he said he would get help. I hope he is right. I dont know how to help or fix this i just want it to stop i have no affect on him waht so ever sexually and when we got to gether it was awesome now its like im a turn off please please help me if you can.
My husband of 7 years watches porn….A LOT (I think). We used to get ridiculous cable bills but i had to put locks on certain channels / ratings, so that has slowed down some. In the past two months i've caught him looking at porn on his iPhone, checking out singles ads on Craigslist, and catching Cathouse on TV (I slipped up and forgot to re-add the parental control locks after getting new service). He knows this upsets me. He knows it causes self-esteem issues for me, especially since the majority of the women he's lusting after are of Caucasian descent and I am not. He knows I view it as cheating – as a man thinketh, so is he….if that woman on the screen that has gotten you to the point of ejaculation is NOT your wife…..you just cheated. Despite all of these things, he continues to do it. i love him. He says he loves me. i am just SO tired of being hurt SO deeply with this. What do I do? I am not his fantasy….what he desires. Is it time to just walk away? I don't think I should have to sacrifice my heart over and over again for the sake of being someone's "Mrs." – especially when he seems hellbent on hurting me.
My husband and I had been dealing with his addiction for over 12 years now. We went for counseling a few times and that didn't help. He made so many promises and never be truth and honest, even though we are fighting with this together, I have to catch him to get him to admit that he fell back to it. He also claimed that he was just there for fighting stress and was never aroused by this site. Could this be true ? He also think that as long as he was not aroused and did not act out on masturbating himself, he was not cheating on me nor trying to substitute our sex life with the internet porn he was viewing, does this statement make sense to you ? Please advise.
i just caught my husband watching porn, but not by walking in on him or any real proof. i just had this sick feeling and confronted him as if i knew and he confessed.he always told me he liked porn but i never seen him watch it, he never bought it and its never been a problem till now. we have two kids and im pregnant now and i just cant handle the stress. i feel ugly,and worthless and every negative feeling a woman can have about herself… i dont even think of sex the same anymore… i feel like hes going to cheat n hurt me and i wont be able to do anything about it…im starting to get a lot of animosity… and i dont want to understand why he does it i just know i hate him for it. i even have nightmares about him cheating on me. i was a confident strong woman untill this came into the picture and now i feel so discusting…. i dont know how to cope…..
I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old son. I've always wanted our relationship to work out expecially for him. But I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for my husband.I'm tired of lies. My husband and I have split before over porn issues and other things but I'm happier without him during those times. I told have to be paranoid that I'm being lied to and I don"t have to sit up awake in bed wondering what he looking at on the computer and I don"t have to wake in the middle of the night with panty hose on me and my retarded husband sucking my damn toes..I don"t know how I ended up with such a freak but I'm tired of being with a sex freak..I know there r men who r actually normal in bed and I wish I had that. I know I can find a person who dosen"t always lie to me…Here's my advice to woman..forget all this adiction crap..these men have no self worth..there pathetic..get rid of them!!!!
I've been married for 2 years and have been with my husband a total of 6 years. If you ask my husband he will say he has no problem with porn..I've caught him numerous times over the years. he always lies and says it was a virus or he was just curious.Besides porn he also has a foot and panty hoes fetish. I think what bothers me the most is his lying and sometimes he's just plain sneeking..he comes into bed in the miidle of the night and puts panty hoes on my legs and masturbates. I feel like I'm not enough to satisfiy him plus he seems a little sick to me sometimes..I sometimes wish i could wash my hands of him completly..what should i do?
Hi Emma. I am sorry to hear about your struggle.
If your partner is interested in getting help, I think this site is a good place to start. If he is ready for more personal help, I would recommend counseling and any 12 step group dedicated to Sex Addiction (Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/04/list-of-12-step-programs.html
As far as for help for you, I would also recommend a few resources for you.
Online Groups:
Daily Strength Sex Addiction Forum, there are a lot of spouses there, and they are very helpful.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Sex-Pornography-Addiction/support-group
Porn Addiction Forum, also has a spouse section and people are also very helpful:
http://pornaddictioninfo.com/boards/forumdisplay.php?fid=10
I would also recommend in-person meetings.
Codependents Anonymous – for all people struggling with troubled relationships:
http://www.coda.org/
Co Sex Addicts Anonymous: This group is OK, but my Significant Other(SO) had pretty bad experience with in person meetings, she liked the phone meetings though.
http://www.cosa-recovery.org/
Co Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous: http://www.coslaa.org/
Best of luck to you Emma, I am sorry you had to go through this!
Hi, I've read your article and thought it was very helpful.
I really need some advice as I think my partner of 9 years is addicted to pornography.
I've always known he had a great interest in porn but its worried me more and more over the years…about 2 years ago he started to bring his sexual fantasies into the bedroom, which I went along with to make him happy, the requests got more and more explicit to the point its ruined my sex drive completely and I can barely bring myself to make love anymore. The other day I looked at the internet history on his phone and found that he veiws about 20 different hardcore porn sites a day at work ( I was shocked to say the least) I confronted him and he admitted he's got a big problem and he viewed them during fag breaks at work.
We have 3 children together and the last thing I want is to end our relationship but I can't deal with this anymore, I've told him numerous times over the years that I don't like him watching it because it makes me feel insecure and self concious.
Please please help me because I really don't know where to turn.
Kind regards