5 Tips to Help If Your Husband Watches Too Much Porn


First and foremost Welcome! Second, I am sorry that you are reading this article, but hopefully it will help for things to get better. Third, before you go anywhere else make sure to check out our “Support for Partners” forum. I think it might be even more helpful than this article.

The following video series from http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series give one of the best explanation of pornography addiction. (Sound starts at about 4 seconds in)

Short on time? Skip the videos and read the rest of the article including 5 things that you can do to help your porn addicted husband and yourself.

Click Here to watch the rest of the video series.

Is Your Husband Addicted to Pornography?

Possibly, a more helpful approach is to avoid thinking in terms of black and white, but rather to take a closer look at what extent pornography affects your husband. In his book, “Treating Pornography Addiction” Dr. Kevin B. Skinner recommends looking at various levels of behaviors associated with pornography use.

Level 1. Mild exposure – once or twice a year, no effect on regular life.

Level 2. Pornography use does not suggest addiction – occasionally looking at pornography with increased interest.

Level 3. Signs of trouble – person looks few times a month, usually tries to avoid it, but occasionally urges get so strong that it cannot be controlled, and person gives in.

Level 4. Individual notices increased sexual fantasies, and attempts to control them, which results in stronger withdrawal symptoms.

Level 5. Pornography impacting day-to-day living with significant part of the day spent thinking about pornography.

Level 6. Pornography dominates most of the day-to-day life, affecting work, school, and personal relationships.

Level 7. Pornography and acting out consumes most of the individual’s time, leaving him feeling completely out of control.

Large part of men in modern-day society fluctuate somewhere between levels 1 and 4 throughout their lives. The real danger comes when men begin to pass these levels. By the time I finally accepted that my pornography use was not healthy I was somewhere between levels 6 and 7. By that time most men are very likely to cheat or do something illegal.

Worst Case Scenario of Pornography Addiction

One man in my recovery group provides a good example of where excessive pornography use may take a person. He progressed from regular porn, to hardcore porn, to crazy-sick porn.

He started looking at dating sites and chat rooms. Eventually he met somebody online who was willing, able, and ready. When he showed up at this person’s house he found out that it was a police operation and the guy ended up doing some jail time.

I believe this story illustrates really well how little our society understands the negative effects of pornography.

I was raised thinking that looking at pornography was a normal behavior, and literally almost everybody that I knew did it. If anything, I viewed it as a healthy alternative to cheating.

By the time I was 25 I was spending up to 8 hours a day watching porn and even came close to breaking the law before I finally realized that I had a problem.

When my at the time girlfriend first approached me about my pornography use, I thought she was crazy. If it wasn’t for her pointing out my behavior, however, I would have never connected the dots and continued to act out until I would have ended up breaking the law.

So if you do decide to approach your husband about his pornography use, be prepared to defend your position. Chances are he will not be very open minded about it at first.

Call (916)259-3827 To Learn More

Negative Effects of Pornography Viewing

Here are some of the most common negative effects that excessive pornography use can have on a person and those around him or her.

  1. Being emotionally distant
  2. Defaulting on commitments
  3. Decreased sexual interest towards one’s spouse
  4. Decreased interest in healthy activities
  5. Poor performance at work
  6. Difficulty concentrating

You might be interested in reading 5 Brain Chemicals in Healthy Sexual Act and How it is Different from Pornography Addiction.

5 Things that You Can Do Today to Help Your Relationship

1. Talk to Your Husband about His Pornography Use

He might not be aware about effect that his pornography viewing is having on your life, and he will never know how you feel unless you tell him. It might not be the most pleasant conversation you’ve ever had, but it must be done. Bad news never get better over time.

2. Talk to Other Women Who Had Same Experience

You can contact Our coach Michelle for first free consultation. We have a good number of wives of porn addicts post on our porn addiction forum under Support for Partners section.

3. Consider Installing Accountability Software or Internet Filter on Your Computer

I would not recommend doing it behind your husband’s back, but nothing bring honesty faster than knowledge of 100% accountability for one’s actions.

Two programs that I recommend are Covenant Eyes ($10 per month) which keeps log of all internet activity on a computer and K9 Web Filter (free) which blocks unwanted content.

4. Educate Yourself About What Your Husband is Going Through

I recommend reading through our Free Recovery Course. It will help you understand your husband (and may be even yourself) better.

5. Educate Yourself About What You Are Going Through

Consider reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal ($9 at Amazon) to help you understand how your husband’s pornography use might have caused you psychological trauma.

I wish you all the best in your relationship and your life. Even though you might be going through tough times now, I am confident you’ll be able to get through it and come out on the other end as a stronger and happier person.

P.S.

Michelle, author of Mishka Wife of Sex Addict is now one of our Recovery Coaches. She’s been featured on Anderson Cooper for her courage and written up in a number of international publications. She saved her marriage and is now working with women all over the world.

Call (916)259-3827 To Learn More

She would love to give you warm welcome, listen to your story, and give you her advice and support. Here is a video of her introducing herself to the Feed The Right Wolf community.

She also runs one of the most popular podcasts on the internet with her husband call Sex Afflictions and Addictions. You can listen to it here.


Call (916)259-3827 For Professional Help

P.S. Recommended Resources:

  • Sex Addicts Anonymous
    I cannot imagine my recovery without this program.
  • Free Podcast and Mini Course from Candeo Can
    I owe my first 90 days of continuous sobriety to this program and highly recommend it.
  • Internet Accountability Software
    Using this software allowed me to get truly honest with my internet usage for the first time in my life. For some reason knowing that my every step was being observed and reported on, made it really easy to use internet only in a healthy way.
  • Treating Pornography Addiction by Kevin B. Skinner Ph.D.
    I have read over 15 books on Pornography and Sexual addiction and this truly is one of the best books on the subject. The reason is I recommend this particular book is because it is full of excellent actionable steps. Other books do a good job describing the problem, but don’t really offer a realistic solution.
  • Your Sexually Addicted Spouse – How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens Ph.D.
    I know that about half of visitors to our site are spouses of people who might be suffering with pornography and sex addiction. To the best of my knowledge this book is one of the most helpful books for the partners.
  • Free Consultation from Coach Craig
    Coach Craig has been a good friend and supporter of this site since January 2013. He has worked with people from all over the world, including famous musicians and other high profile individuals. Yet, he is only a phone call away and would be glad to give you a free consultation. Call him anytime, with any question you might have, and I am know he will be extremely happy to help in any way he can.

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Comments

  1. FeedTheRightWolf says

    Hi last anonymous,

    I would recommend confronting your husband as soon as possible. There is no need for you to wait for him to fall even further.

    Also I am not sure that withholding sex is a good way to increase consequences for him, I think confronting him will do a much better job at that.

    At least that is one addict's opinion.

  2. Anonymous says

    My husband is almost perfect. I'm reading the comments above and I can relate to them. He has fallen off the wagon again. He doesn't know I know. This time, I'm waiting and observing him. I'm trying to figure out what to do. I know I don't want to leave, but I do fantasize about leaving – funny. The only thing I do know, is my sex drive is gone.

    Funny how during the courtship, I really didn't pay attention because the signs were there. Like every other wife, I have tried everything and now I'm trying to live with it but I am so angry. He did not have a pc for 6 months. We were really getting close, or at least I thought.

    Anyway, i know how this goes. My father was an alcoholic (aa, alon, acoa, rehab, therapy, domestic disturbance, …) and he didn't quit drinking until the hang overs became to difficult for him to handle. He didn't quit for his wife and six kids, he quit b/c the consequence become to great. Maybe I need to ratchet up the consequences for my husband, meaning no sex with me.

  3. FeedTheRightWolf says

    To the anonymous wife of 17 years.

    Take everything I say with a grain of salt, and I surely don't claim to have all of the answers. But I cannot help but see what you are describing as unhealthy behavior. Additionally I read that it has got progressively worse over time.

    He broadcasted you without your permission? That is crime. I am not sure if you are aware of what kind of pornography your husband is watching, but chances are that too has progressively got worse. And him having web camera sex with women… I don't see how that can be healthy at all either.

    You sure are not wrong to feel the way that you do, and please reach out for help. I've provided a few resources in the second comment below this article, I suggest you take a closer look on them.

    God Bless You

  4. Anonymous says

    i am a wife now of 17yrs and my husband has always viewed some kind of porn and I have never viewed it as a threat until now, our sex life by his standards is now boring and I need to come out of my box. I am by no means opposed to thing like oral sex , anal sex and have even performed on the webcam "no face shots" but various sexual acts and have done the pic thing and video thing as well . My problem is that my husband has over the last 6yrs or so become increasingly more aggressive with demands about sex and is continually telling me I need to expand my sexual experiences and venture out or it will cost us our marriage.He has even disclosed that a person very close to us has been the cam watching us and he set it up and never told me, I felt very violated and betrayed …he said he was not obligated to tell me and I opened myself up for it when I agreed to do the webcam thing.And has even had webcam sex with various women……… am I wrong to feel the way I do? Am I a proud?

  5. Anonymous says

    Nothing good can come out of one partner using porn in a committed relatioship. Porn causes such devastation, and unfortunelly man don't realize it until it's too Kate…. I just want to say I am so sorry for all the women out there dealing withthis terrible issue…. Just know in your heart that it is not your fault…..

  6. Anonymous says

    Hello, I've been married for about 2 months. But I have known my husband for about 2 years and we've been living together for a year n a half… I found out about his use of porn when we first moved in together…. Porn devastates me….. I feel helpless and its so sad because I love him so much and wish that our relationship could be normal….. :(

  7. Anonymous says

    You're a great person Alex :D
    Thanks to your tips and writings, not only have I been better at understanding pornography addiction and ways of abstaining to from it, I have also been seeing multiple positive changes in all areas of my life. I hope you find success in your life and in whatever you do, and I also hope that you keep posting more these beneficial articles.

  8. FeedTheRightWolf says

    I wanted to thank all of your for taking the time to comment on this post! Porn addiction is a very tricky situation and can be the most devastating for the spouse of an addict.

    My heart goes out to you!

    If you have an hour of your time, I highly recommend you watching the following video series that provide a very clear explanation behind the brain science of porn addiction and why it became such a great problem in our time.

  9. Anonymous says

    My husband and I have only been married for 8 months. I am 26 years old, and he is 25 years old. Ever since we met, we have had an extremely GREAT relationship. I mean that whole heartedly. We never argue, we never fight, basically we have the type of relationship that just seems "too good to be true". So, when I discovered this addiction it hit me like a ton of bricks. In this past five days, I have only slept about 3-5 hr's in each 24 hr period. I spent a great deal of that time researching his web history. At this point, my trust in him was completely gone. He lied to me about the amount of pornography he watched, he lied to me by saying most of the time he didn't masturbate to it, instead he would just be aroused by it, even after admitting that he was addicted. When I confronted him about these new, unnecessary lies he finally started to confide in me. But,I found myself constantly assessing our future, wondering if I should be selfish and take "the easy way out" since I am not the one with the addiction. Luckily, last night I was feeling so overwhelmed and curious that I googled the words " How to know if my husband is addicted to pornography". I was stunned by all of the links that came up. I have read so many different articles about the facts, opinions, and how to help him. Now I know that he is telling me the truth, and how serious and common this addiction is. I stumbled upon your story, and for the past 4 hours I have been reading every single word of your experience. It has helped me identify his addiction,and prepare myself for the possible situations that may occur on his road to recovery. I am so much more confident in my ability to be really helpful to him, and to get the feelings of jealousy and anger towards him completely out of my system. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I would definitely suggest this site to each and every spouse of an addict. I think that it is just as important for the spouse to be educated on this addiction, as it is for the one who is addicted to read and gain more knowledge on how to overcome his addiction. I am bookmarking your site for my husband because I know this will help him now and in the future. Thank you so very much!

  10. Anonymous says

    Alex,

    I am the wife of a recovering addict. I have only known about his addiction for five days now. My first reaction to this discovery was immediate feelings of anger, jealousy, complete shock,a certain disgust towards him but mostly myself, and the feeling of embarrassment. I have heard about people having addictions to pornography, but I never felt that I had any reason to research this topic. To tell you the truth, I actually thought that people couldn't be addicted to pornography. Immediately, he told me that I do "satisfy" him, that he felt really dirty after he watched the material, he also said that when he does it he actually feels like he is not there (like he becomes someone else until he is done, and then reality hits him). This information, to me, seemed impossible. I couldn't understand how you can be disgusted by something and be aroused to the point of obsessive masturbation all at the same time.(I will continue my story in the next post, due to this post being too large.)

  11. Anonymous says

    HI Alex I have been with my husband for 2 years and at first everything was great but as time went on I noticed he lacked enthusiasm to have sex with me. At first I thought he was cheating until one day i heard him in the bathroom only to discover he had been jacking off. This was an every day thing for a long time until i finally said enough. Well that minimized then it was internet porn and we fought about that then i told him i would make a sacrifice and watch it with him only to discover that when he was arousing me his eyes never left the computer screen. I have cried and screamed and cried and slept alone and sometimes not even slept then i discovered he woudl stare at my sisters breasts who are skinnier than i am only to arouse him to sleep with me that night. this has gone on and on for two years he tried to tell me it was me that i was addicted to sex. I will be honest I love sex but i am not addicted i dont have to have the things he does. Well the lateset was on november 8(his birthday) i came home early from my classes only to walk in on him jacking off to it on the wii. I flew off the handle im hurt and i have spent many nights crying at night i wake up with him rubbing himself this is everynight. I dont know what to do this time he said he would get help. I hope he is right. I dont know how to help or fix this i just want it to stop i have no affect on him waht so ever sexually and when we got to gether it was awesome now its like im a turn off please please help me if you can.

  12. Anonymous says

    My husband of 7 years watches porn….A LOT (I think). We used to get ridiculous cable bills but i had to put locks on certain channels / ratings, so that has slowed down some. In the past two months i've caught him looking at porn on his iPhone, checking out singles ads on Craigslist, and catching Cathouse on TV (I slipped up and forgot to re-add the parental control locks after getting new service). He knows this upsets me. He knows it causes self-esteem issues for me, especially since the majority of the women he's lusting after are of Caucasian descent and I am not. He knows I view it as cheating – as a man thinketh, so is he….if that woman on the screen that has gotten you to the point of ejaculation is NOT your wife…..you just cheated. Despite all of these things, he continues to do it. i love him. He says he loves me. i am just SO tired of being hurt SO deeply with this. What do I do? I am not his fantasy….what he desires. Is it time to just walk away? I don't think I should have to sacrifice my heart over and over again for the sake of being someone's "Mrs." – especially when he seems hellbent on hurting me.

  13. Anonymous says

    My husband and I had been dealing with his addiction for over 12 years now. We went for counseling a few times and that didn't help. He made so many promises and never be truth and honest, even though we are fighting with this together, I have to catch him to get him to admit that he fell back to it. He also claimed that he was just there for fighting stress and was never aroused by this site. Could this be true ? He also think that as long as he was not aroused and did not act out on masturbating himself, he was not cheating on me nor trying to substitute our sex life with the internet porn he was viewing, does this statement make sense to you ? Please advise.

  14. Anonymous says

    i just caught my husband watching porn, but not by walking in on him or any real proof. i just had this sick feeling and confronted him as if i knew and he confessed.he always told me he liked porn but i never seen him watch it, he never bought it and its never been a problem till now. we have two kids and im pregnant now and i just cant handle the stress. i feel ugly,and worthless and every negative feeling a woman can have about herself… i dont even think of sex the same anymore… i feel like hes going to cheat n hurt me and i wont be able to do anything about it…im starting to get a lot of animosity… and i dont want to understand why he does it i just know i hate him for it. i even have nightmares about him cheating on me. i was a confident strong woman untill this came into the picture and now i feel so discusting…. i dont know how to cope…..

  15. Anonymous says

    I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old son. I've always wanted our relationship to work out expecially for him. But I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for my husband.I'm tired of lies. My husband and I have split before over porn issues and other things but I'm happier without him during those times. I told have to be paranoid that I'm being lied to and I don"t have to sit up awake in bed wondering what he looking at on the computer and I don"t have to wake in the middle of the night with panty hose on me and my retarded husband sucking my damn toes..I don"t know how I ended up with such a freak but I'm tired of being with a sex freak..I know there r men who r actually normal in bed and I wish I had that. I know I can find a person who dosen"t always lie to me…Here's my advice to woman..forget all this adiction crap..these men have no self worth..there pathetic..get rid of them!!!!

  16. Anonymous says

    I've been married for 2 years and have been with my husband a total of 6 years. If you ask my husband he will say he has no problem with porn..I've caught him numerous times over the years. he always lies and says it was a virus or he was just curious.Besides porn he also has a foot and panty hoes fetish. I think what bothers me the most is his lying and sometimes he's just plain sneeking..he comes into bed in the miidle of the night and puts panty hoes on my legs and masturbates. I feel like I'm not enough to satisfiy him plus he seems a little sick to me sometimes..I sometimes wish i could wash my hands of him completly..what should i do?

  17. FeedTheRightWolf says

    Hi Emma. I am sorry to hear about your struggle.

    If your partner is interested in getting help, I think this site is a good place to start. If he is ready for more personal help, I would recommend counseling and any 12 step group dedicated to Sex Addiction (Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/04/list-of-12-step-programs.html

    As far as for help for you, I would also recommend a few resources for you.

    Online Groups:

    Daily Strength Sex Addiction Forum, there are a lot of spouses there, and they are very helpful.
    http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Sex-Pornography-Addiction/support-group

    Porn Addiction Forum, also has a spouse section and people are also very helpful:
    http://pornaddictioninfo.com/boards/forumdisplay.php?fid=10

    I would also recommend in-person meetings.

    Codependents Anonymous – for all people struggling with troubled relationships:
    http://www.coda.org/

    Co Sex Addicts Anonymous: This group is OK, but my Significant Other(SO) had pretty bad experience with in person meetings, she liked the phone meetings though.
    http://www.cosa-recovery.org/

    Co Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous: http://www.coslaa.org/

    Best of luck to you Emma, I am sorry you had to go through this!

  18. Emma says

    Hi, I've read your article and thought it was very helpful.

    I really need some advice as I think my partner of 9 years is addicted to pornography.

    I've always known he had a great interest in porn but its worried me more and more over the years…about 2 years ago he started to bring his sexual fantasies into the bedroom, which I went along with to make him happy, the requests got more and more explicit to the point its ruined my sex drive completely and I can barely bring myself to make love anymore. The other day I looked at the internet history on his phone and found that he veiws about 20 different hardcore porn sites a day at work ( I was shocked to say the least) I confronted him and he admitted he's got a big problem and he viewed them during fag breaks at work.

    We have 3 children together and the last thing I want is to end our relationship but I can't deal with this anymore, I've told him numerous times over the years that I don't like him watching it because it makes me feel insecure and self concious.

    Please please help me because I really don't know where to turn. :(

    Kind regards

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