5 Tips to Help If Your Husband Watches Too Much Porn

First and foremost Welcome! Second, I am sorry that you are reading this article, but hopefully it will help for things to get better. Third, before you go anywhere else make sure to check out our “Support for Partners” forum. I think it might be even more helpful than this article.

The following video series from http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series give one of the best explanation of pornography addiction. (Sound starts at about 4 seconds in)

Short on time? Skip the videos and read the rest of the article including 5 things that you can do to help your porn addicted husband and yourself.

Click Here to watch the rest of the video series.

Is Your Husband Addicted to Pornography?

Possibly, a more helpful approach is to avoid thinking in terms of black and white, but rather to take a closer look at what extent pornography affects your husband. In his book, “Treating Pornography Addiction” Dr. Kevin B. Skinner recommends looking at various levels of behaviors associated with pornography use.

Level 1. Mild exposure – once or twice a year, no effect on regular life.

Level 2. Pornography use does not suggest addiction – occasionally looking at pornography with increased interest.

Level 3. Signs of trouble – person looks few times a month, usually tries to avoid it, but occasionally urges get so strong that it cannot be controlled, and person gives in.

Level 4. Individual notices increased sexual fantasies, and attempts to control them, which results in stronger withdrawal symptoms.

Level 5. Pornography impacting day-to-day living with significant part of the day spent thinking about pornography.

Level 6. Pornography dominates most of the day-to-day life, affecting work, school, and personal relationships.

Level 7. Pornography and acting out consumes most of the individual’s time, leaving him feeling completely out of control.

Large part of men in modern-day society fluctuate somewhere between levels 1 and 4 throughout their lives. The real danger comes when men begin to pass these levels. By the time I finally accepted that my pornography use was not healthy I was somewhere between levels 6 and 7. By that time most men are very likely to cheat or do something illegal.

Worst Case Scenario of Pornography Addiction

One man in my recovery group provides a good example of where excessive pornography use may take a person. He progressed from regular porn, to hardcore porn, to crazy-sick porn.

He started looking at dating sites and chat rooms. Eventually he met somebody online who was willing, able, and ready. When he showed up at this person’s house he found out that it was a police operation and the guy ended up doing some jail time.

I believe this story illustrates really well how little our society understands the negative effects of pornography.

I was raised thinking that looking at pornography was a normal behavior, and literally almost everybody that I knew did it. If anything, I viewed it as a healthy alternative to cheating.

By the time I was 25 I was spending up to 8 hours a day watching porn and even came close to breaking the law before I finally realized that I had a problem.

When my at the time girlfriend first approached me about my pornography use, I thought she was crazy. If it wasn’t for her pointing out my behavior, however, I would have never connected the dots and continued to act out until I would have ended up breaking the law.

So if you do decide to approach your husband about his pornography use, be prepared to defend your position. Chances are he will not be very open minded about it at first.

Call (916)259-3827 To Learn More

Negative Effects of Pornography Viewing

Here are some of the most common negative effects that excessive pornography use can have on a person and those around him or her.

  1. Being emotionally distant
  2. Defaulting on commitments
  3. Decreased sexual interest towards one’s spouse
  4. Decreased interest in healthy activities
  5. Poor performance at work
  6. Difficulty concentrating

You might be interested in reading 5 Brain Chemicals in Healthy Sexual Act and How it is Different from Pornography Addiction.

5 Things that You Can Do Today to Help Your Relationship

1. Talk to Your Husband about His Pornography Use

He might not be aware about effect that his pornography viewing is having on your life, and he will never know how you feel unless you tell him. It might not be the most pleasant conversation you’ve ever had, but it must be done. Bad news never get better over time.

2. Talk to Other Women Who Had Same Experience

You can contact Our coach Michelle for first free consultation. We have a good number of wives of porn addicts post on our porn addiction forum under Support for Partners section.

3. Consider Installing Accountability Software or Internet Filter on Your Computer

I would not recommend doing it behind your husband’s back, but nothing bring honesty faster than knowledge of 100% accountability for one’s actions.

Two programs that I recommend are Covenant Eyes ($10 per month) which keeps log of all internet activity on a computer and K9 Web Filter (free) which blocks unwanted content.

4. Educate Yourself About What Your Husband is Going Through

I recommend reading through our Free Recovery Course. It will help you understand your husband (and may be even yourself) better.

5. Educate Yourself About What You Are Going Through

Consider reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal ($9 at Amazon) to help you understand how your husband’s pornography use might have caused you psychological trauma.

I wish you all the best in your relationship and your life. Even though you might be going through tough times now, I am confident you’ll be able to get through it and come out on the other end as a stronger and happier person.

P.S.

Michelle, author of Mishka Wife of Sex Addict is now one of our Recovery Coaches. She’s been featured on Anderson Cooper for her courage and written up in a number of international publications. She saved her marriage and is now working with women all over the world.

Call (916)259-3827 To Learn More

She would love to give you warm welcome, listen to your story, and give you her advice and support. Here is a video of her introducing herself to the Feed The Right Wolf community.

She also runs one of the most popular podcasts on the internet with her husband call Sex Afflictions and Addictions. You can listen to it here.

Call (916)259-3827 For Professional Help

P.S. Recommended Resources:

  • Sex Addicts Anonymous
    I cannot imagine my recovery without this program.
  • Mindful Habit Course by Coach Craig
    Great advice from a great person.
  • Free Podcast and Mini Course from Candeo Can
    I owe my first 90 days of continuous sobriety to this program and highly recommend it.
  • Internet Accountability Software
    Using this software allowed me to get truly honest with my internet usage for the first time in my life. For some reason knowing that my every step was being observed and reported on, made it really easy to use internet only in a healthy way.
  • Treating Pornography Addiction by Kevin B. Skinner Ph.D.
    I have read over 15 books on Pornography and Sexual addiction and this truly is one of the best books on the subject. The reason is I recommend this particular book is because it is full of excellent actionable steps. Other books do a good job describing the problem, but don’t really offer a realistic solution.
  • Your Sexually Addicted Spouse – How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens Ph.D.
    I know that about half of visitors to our site are spouses of people who might be suffering with pornography and sex addiction. To the best of my knowledge this book is one of the most helpful books for the partners.
  • Free Consultation from Coach Craig
    Coach Craig has been a good friend and supporter of this site since January 2013. He has worked with people from all over the world, including famous musicians and other high profile individuals. Yet, he is only a phone call away and would be glad to give you a free consultation. Call him anytime, with any question you might have, and I am know he will be extremely happy to help in any way he can.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    Hey Im desperate because since I found out my husbands porn addiction I wasnt sure until how far it was normal OR If it was normal that he would prefer spending time alone watching porn and masturbating than being with me. He was denying and lying but recently he confessed that he missed time alone to watch porn and masturbate. He even asked me to leave home for 3 hours to satisfy his needs…WHAT SHOULD I DO? does he need a treatment??

  2. FeedTheRightWolf says

    Hi Ashley,

    I think this site is a pretty good place for your husband to start. It should point him in the right direction.

    Alex

  3. Anonymous says

    Hey I am Ashley have been married for 2 years. I found out my husband was looking at porn 4 months after we got married, I was really upset. So we cut the internet off and started working out and lost 40 pound thinking it would help, but I found out he was still looking at it like at least 4/5 times a week by renting it on the tv, which was costing us alot of money. I was heartbroken. So I put a lock on the tv and it stopped, until about 9 months later we got the internet back thinking I could trust him and the day we got it cut on it started again. I did not honestly know how I felt I was heart broken but I knew it was gonna continue.I am still facing this problem. This is becoming a big problem in our marriage because is it hurting me emotionaly,ever since we have been married 6 months he has problems being intimate with me, another reason its a problem is because it really bothers him,he wants to stop but does not know where to start.

  4. Anonymous says

    I've been married for about 3 months and have only known my husband for a year and 3months and we have 3 kids together 2 by marriage and 1 together. I knew about his assesive porn watching before we got married I didn't like it then and I don't like it now, since we had our son, sex hasn't been the same, we might have sex maybe once or twice a week. I love him, I tried talking to him he doesn't think he has a problem, he lies about watching it everyday when clearly he has because I looked at the web History, when I first found out I was so disguisted and I was so angry it made me dislike him for a while, I even tried watching it with him it just made me feel real low about myself, i've watched the people he has viewed and the conversations he's even had with some of these porn chics and he compliments them and doesn't even say that to me which made me feel even more crappier about myself, I feel like I'm just nolt enough and idk what will it take or him to stop watching it, I try doing a lot to get his attention and I've even explaned to him that I don't like it, it hurts me everytime he downloads it and watches it, I'm not an idiot I know and he knows he watches it every day, it even sometimes affect the way I raise our kids sometimes because I feel depressed when I knolw I should b happy, at times I think he's cheating on me and evn when he assures me he isn't I still think he does or wants to and is because he watched that trash on the internet, please help, its making me feel a certain way about him that's not good, I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, it makes me not like him and just want out, I hate feeling this way, if he don't get help I honestly think its not going work, I don't know what else to do, since I pulled up this article I know I'm not the only one in this situation and it made me feel better about myself and understand its not just me I guess. Please Help, he doesn't want to see anyone, this is my last resort.

  5. FeedTheRightWolf says

    At last anonymous, I think it it affects you in such a tremendous ways you should really tell your husband. Because if you don't deal with this problem now and find an approach that works for both of you, it will only get worse over time.

  6. Anonymous says

    i just found out my partner its been watching porn,, he told me he was an adict before we moved together, witch was a month n half ago the history says it was viewed 3 times the same day, at first i freaked out n felt ugly n with an inmense lack of sexyness, iot really hurt me, i read ur article, it help a lot but i still wonder what should i do about nit n if i should even worry about it, truth is it really bothers me cuz we just moved in together

  7. FeedTheRightWolf says

    Hi KH,

    Sorry to hear that. I just have one comment, your husband said: "Yes. I enjoy sex. I enjoy watching the act of sex." And this is a very strong belief, which is instilled in most men in our society since early age.

    I don't agree with it, and many more men find this belief to be a complete bullshit. Yes we were made to enjoy sex, but it doesn't mean we have to enjoy watching other people having sex. Especially if it makes the person that we swore to love and protect so uncomfortable.

    I also encourage you to post at our porn addiction forum so you can get more feedback form our members.

    Alex

  8. KH says

    I'm sorry..after my birthday and I didn't feel good enough. I discovered this at 10pm it is not 5am and I just can't sleep or stop crying. I hate myself for what he has done and how terrible this has made me feel. HE also looked me in the eyes the first time and said, "Yes. I enjoy sex. I enjoy watching the act of sex." and said that he doesn't see the female as who she is. But shouldn't I feel offended that another woman's private parts and breasts bouncing around are what is satisfying him though he has put ALL the blame on me and my sickness?

  9. KH says

    Hello. My husband and I have been married for seven months. I was aware of his porn collection the day I moved in and asked him to please dispose of it because he had a wife now. He did, with great attitude. He is aware that I had been molested many times as a kid and grew up with pornography in my own home as a child by my mother's boyfriend. It devastated me back then. He promised that it would not be a problem and said that he had grown up. In January, he got a smart phone and have my birthday, I discovered massive amounts of porn on it. I HATED him! I told him I could NOT handle living with that. I felt so ashamed of myself. I felt like I was good enough etc. I am 22 and have recently gone through surgery for endomitriosis and am now on treatments for it. I was unable to have sex for two weeks. But every day, he promised me that he was not looking at porn anymore. That he REALLY grew up this time. However, tonight, I found a video on his phone, again. At first he claimed he didn't know about it. Then said he had deleted it. Claimed it was just one time then let it slip that there hadn't been as much in the range of two months, since my surgery. And he has put ALL the blame on me because of my treatments for endomitriosis. This has hurt me so bad and it's very hard for me to live with. What should I do? Should I suspect cheating? He only does this DURING his job and just a few days ago, when I asked him to call me on his lunch break, he said he couldn't because he got no reception, didn't like phones and needed alone time for himself. He wonders why he doesn't get a promotion..He's admitted to downloading over a hundred videos at word to "destress" please help me! I am so young and so lost and heartbroken as well as full of guilt!

  10. FeedTheRightWolf says

    @ last anonymous, there definitely are men who do not watch pornography. So your husband is confused.

    That being said, I do believe that he truly thinks this statement to be true. He will continue to think so until he will meet real men, who do not watch pornography. Sex Addicts Anonymous could be such place. Or you can point him to this blog for starters.

    Also, while some people may argue that watching pornography is normal and healthy, almost everybody will agree that it is not healthy for it to start to interfere with healthy sexual life.

    So I believe you have every right to feel the way that you do.

    Alex

  11. SD says

    I never knew whether my ex-partner knew that I looked at porn regularly at night or not. I suppose after several years of me coming to bed at 12am-2am, she must have suspected.

  12. Anonymous says

    My husband and I have been married a few months now and we just had a baby. While I was pregnant, I didn't mind him watching porn since I knew he felt uncomfortable with my belly but now that I'm back to my pre-pregnancy figure I found out he was still watching it. We're struggling with bills since I'm still on maternity leave and I saw that he had purchased a membership for porn websites. When I asked if he was still watching porn when I'm not around, his response was because he was bored and that his friends did it, not because he wasn't satisfied with me. I know he works so hard all the time but it bothers me to know that he watches it when he's "bored" but when I tell him I want to have sex, he's too tired. This isn't the first time we've argued about it and every time I express to him how I feel, he says that I wouldn't be able to find a man that doesn't. Am I crazy for feeling this way? Am I expecting too much of him not to watch it?

  13. FeedTheRightWolf says

    To the wife of 12 years,

    Unfortunately what you are describing is very common experience for the wives of porn addicts. The best advise I can give you, as in the article. Try to get in touch with other women who have been through this before. They will be able to give you a much better advice than I ever could.

  14. FindHisPorn says

    There's another great tool you can try if you want to know what he's looking at behind your back: FindHisPorn.com

  15. Anonymous says

    I just found out my husband of 12 years has been looking at porn for two years. I found sites on my browser history and he said it was a one time thing. After more browser research on my part I caught him in about three more lies! I am devastated! I feel unloved, ugly etc etc…
    I have installed monitoring software, bought a book…
    I have read you should not withhold sex so I haven't, but it seems that the porn has been replaced by our sex life! It does not seem like we are talking or healing…just sex. This leaves me feeling dirty!
    I need advice on how to handle this. I still feel myself falling into the behavior of just doing it because I do not want to hurt his feelings. Can you believe that! I do not want to hurt his feelings!
    I would appreciate any advice!

  16. Anonymous says

    My husband says, "I just look at it for fun; most of the time don't get turned on by it." I don't buy that for a minute! The ONLY times we have sex, is: if we are drunk, have a/an extra person(s) involved, or porn….it's becoming such a turnoff, that I've seeked other attention. He says I'm 'too available'! WTH??? He should be so lucky that he has a wife that is fun and freaky!

  17. Anonymous says

    And yes, you should be concerned if he is looking at illegal stuff (mine always searched for "teens" who "looked shy" – ewwwwwww!). He had a Linux box. The best way to figure out what he is looking at (if it is illegal or it is causing problems in the relationship or leading him to neglect his family) is to google how to hide it. Google is the porn widow's friend too. :) Learn about your computer and read the sites that teach men how to hide it. Such as: http://techie-buzz.com/foss/how-to-hide-porn-in-linux-this-is-hilarious-and-ingenious-at-the-same-time.html http://www.macgeekery.com/tips/how_hide_your_porn http://www.wikihow.com/Not-Get-Caught-Looking-at-Porn etc. if he is an IT guy you will have a real hard time learning as much as he has learned. In general, it is a lot harder to find a guy's cr*p than just checking browser history. A stack of Playboys, big deal, men have always done that sort of thing and that is old school. This is a new phenomenon and it's hurting relationships in a big way.

  18. Anonymous says

    Even if he doesn't cheat, it causes problems. Mine spent hours at night looking at it, had hard drives full of it, underworked (and so not earning money to feed his family) because of it, would look at it downstairs on pc to arouse himself, sprint upstairs and wake me up in bed just to use my warm half-awake body to finish off (should I have felt lucky?). When the newness of our relationship wore off, he had to resort to shouting dirty words, ordering demeaning poses, trying to get me to beg by "not proceeding", and creating these dreadful power-over dynamics in order to make sex with me exciting for him, like the porn he enjoyed collecting. He said he'd stop, and then he just learned some new trick to hide it (turning it into other file types or hiding the images "behind" others, he got really elaborate with it). He claimed not to like the stuff when we got married – I only found out too late. He is a good-looking accountant with IT skills who puts on a sort of lost-little-boy air that appeals to women. He boasts in fact that all sorts of women "wave their panties at him". The saddest thing is that he destroyed two relationships with it and more importantly the behaviour associated with it, and now has some poor new girl snagged and on his line. By the time she does find out and the relationship goes south, and they have had a kid or two, he'll have secured himself rights to control her whole life through the kid (Father's Rights rule in the courts these days) and the common law regime where we live will award him half her house too, the poor woman. I wish I could tell her what awaits her, but she would only dismiss my warnings as the sour grapes of an ex or something, I am sure. I am so SO glad to be rid of this guy (divorce is a formality we still have to go through – I am waiting anxiously to shower his last name off me too). From what a lot of women are saying, a lot of guys do this now (are porn addicts). I won't be bothering to date, I don't think. It is just not worth it!

  19. Anonymous says

    My husband had been dealing with porn for almost 10 years or even longer prior to me knowing it. 2009 , he slipped before Christmas, and we went to porn addict counseling , he told me that he didn't fit into those groups. He did not masturbate during porn viewing and veiwing porn didn't interfere his job/life besides an escape for a few minutes in between jobs. He slipped again 5 months ago. He refused to go back to counseling because he doesn't think that it work for him. He had installed safe eye on his computer and told me that this time, he wants to try it his own way. He still think he could do it himself, if he fail again, he will admit himself into a help clinic to battle his addiction. Is there a place for addicts to go to battle it ? Do u think that he is being honest with me ? He is not sure if there is this clinic or not, but had agreed that no matter where it is, he will go. Do u think that it is true that some man won't get high from viewing porn ? Do u accept his explaination of viewing it as an addicted past time ?… I am so confused. I only know that his breaking of promises and each time when I caught him, the harder it is to trust him any more. I don't feel secure and find it hard to feel real and happy when I am with him. Everything he does, sometimes feel so fake and unreal. Please advise.

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