12 Steps Meetings – What Are They Like?

Previously, I talked about some of the benefits of 12 steps groups. Today, I want to spend some time reviewing the basic structure of 12 steps groups so you will be prepared in case you decide to visit one in the future.

12 Step Meeting Protocol

© by vladimix

Usually at the meetings, people are seated in a circular formation, with one person, a secretary, leading the meeting. Before the meeting starts, the secretary passes out a number of readings (single sheets of paper) that the people will be asked to read throughout the meeting.

The secretary starts the meeting by greeting everybody and reading the introduction. After this, he or she asks somebody to read the “Preamble” (one of the readings passed on earlier), as well as “How it Works”, “12 Steps”, and “12 Traditions”.

After the general reading is over, the secretary might ask if there are any visitors to the meeting. This is usually anybody who is visiting from out of town, or is new to the meeting but does not consider himself to be a newcomer.

Afterwards, the secretary would ask all of the newcomers to introduce themselves. A newcomer is anybody who is in their first 30 days of sobriety. So if you were sober for 20 years, but then had a slip, you are still considered to be a newcomer for the first 30 days.

After the newcomers, everybody in the room would introduce themselves.

The introduction is usually something like this: “Hi, I am Alex and I am a Sex Addict.” After which everybody would say: “Hi Alex.”

After the introduction, the meeting can take a number of forms, which usually will be explained by the secretary.

One of the most common forms is for one person to choose a reading for that day (usually something from the Big Book of AA or other approved literature). After the reading is complete, the reader would share his or her personal experience with the reading, and the reason why it was chosen.

© by sun dazed

After that, the secretary would say that the meeting is now open for discussion, and everybody starting from the left of the reader would have a chance to share. Share time is usually about 1-3 minutes. Some of the meetings will have a handheld hourglass that everybody is passing around to help you keep track of time.

Feel free to share anything when you get your chance to share. It could feel weird at first, but you will get used to it. If at first you don’t feel like sharing (which I didn’t for first few of my meetings), you can simply say “Pass”. After a while you will get the feel for how the sharing works, and will see the benefit of it.

Another thing that people do during their shares is “getting current,” meaning going off-subject from the reading and telling everybody about their personal struggles. Talking about what is going on in your life could be a great tool to help you clear up your head.

One thing that is not allowed in 12 step meetings is “Cross Talk”. Meaning you are not supposed to make any comments or remarks about anything anybody said during the meeting, unless you can do it in very general terms during your share. This is done to make sure that the atmosphere of the meeting stays safe, and that everybody feels comfortable sharing. However, after the meeting is over, it is completely acceptable to approach any member and to relate any comments that you might have.

About 10 minutes before the meeting is over, the secretary will announce that the time for sharing has ended and will ask somebody to read “The Promises”.

© by Molly DG

After that, the secretary would say something like: “It is now the time to practice 7th tradition” and you will see everybody reaching for their wallets. The 7th tradition states that 12 steps groups cannot be for profit, and will use voluntary donation to pay for the rent and other expenses. The usual donation is about one or two dollars (that is US prices, I am sure it costs a lot less in other countries).

After that, the secretary will ask everybody to join in for the Serenity Prayer. That is when everybody will get up, stand in the circle, hold hands, and say a prayer together. This part could be very weird at first, but you get used to it after one or two meetings.

After the meeting is over, members are free to go, but a lot of people stay to interact. This interaction after the meetings is perhaps one of the most important parts of the program.

Finding a 12 Step Meeting

Most 12 steps programs have a website where you can go to find their meeting schedules, and other related information. Sometimes they will call a meeting “open” or “closed”. “Open” means that anybody can go to the meeting, but “closed” is reserved only for people who consider themselves to be addicts.

You do not have to go to a newcomers’ meeting, orientation or anything else like that. All you have to do is show up at whatever meeting makes sense for you. Just walk in, and people will be very helpful and will help you from there.

Phone Meeting - A Challenge for You

I am not sure how you feel about 12 steps groups by this point, but I would like to challenge you a little.

By clicking this link, you will find a list of phone meetings (or telemeeting as they call them) for Sex Addicts Anonymous. The times for the meetings are listed in Pacific Standard Time, so you will have to calculate the right time for your area.

I would encourage you to find one meeting and call in.

Phone meetings are very similar to the in-person meetings that I described earlier. But in phone meetings, you really don’t have to do or say anything, you are completely safe. All you have to do is call in and listen (press * 6 to mute your phone).

I think it will be a great experience for you, and you will hear people from all over the world who share a very similar problem calling in and helping each other stay sober.

I think in the next 3 days, you should be able to find some time to call into at least one meeting. Try to do that.

Warning: Right about now your brain will begin to try to come up with an excuse. Something like “I don’t believe in God so I shouldn’t call” or “All these people are Christian, and I am not, they will not understand me” or “I don’t need to call this cult” or something else.

Call yourself on this excuse. You are not making any lifetime commitments; you are simply making this one phone call, just to expose yourself to this tool. Just in case you might need it. That is it, no pressure, no commitments.

Just remember, take what works for you, and leave the rest behind!

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P.S. Recommended Resources:

  • Sex Addicts Anonymous
    I cannot imagine my recovery without this program.
  • Mindful Habit Course by Coach Craig
    Great advice from a great person.
  • Free Podcast and Mini Course from Candeo Can
    I owe my first 90 days of continuous sobriety to this program and highly recommend it.
  • Internet Accountability Software
    Using this software allowed me to get truly honest with my internet usage for the first time in my life. For some reason knowing that my every step was being observed and reported on, made it really easy to use internet only in a healthy way.
  • Treating Pornography Addiction by Kevin B. Skinner Ph.D.
    I have read over 15 books on Pornography and Sexual addiction and this truly is one of the best books on the subject. The reason is I recommend this particular book is because it is full of excellent actionable steps. Other books do a good job describing the problem, but don’t really offer a realistic solution.
  • Your Sexually Addicted Spouse – How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens Ph.D.
    I know that about half of visitors to our site are spouses of people who might be suffering with pornography and sex addiction. To the best of my knowledge this book is one of the most helpful books for the partners.
  • Free Consultation from Coach Craig
    Coach Craig has been a good friend and supporter of this site since January 2013. He has worked with people from all over the world, including famous musicians and other high profile individuals. Yet, he is only a phone call away and would be glad to give you a free consultation. Call him anytime, with any question you might have, and I am know he will be extremely happy to help in any way he can.

Comments

  1. Rjs says

    I need advice. Or help. My now x boyfriend of 5 years has chosen porn and masterbating over our relationship. I finally kicked him out 3 weeks ago after catching him again and then he lies about it even after being caught. I love him so very much but he won’t stop. He says he’s tried without success. I mentioned counseling but he says it’s too embarrassing and won’t work anyway. Plus he says he doesn’t have a problem.
    I’m so hurt that he thinks so little of the love we shared and is choosing pprn over me. I don’t know what to do. He tells me we can’t be together again because he will hurt me again and he loves me too much to keep putting me through it. What do I do?
    Thanks for reading,
    Rjs

    • Alex says

      Hi Rjs,

      I would recommend you to move on to better things, unless he is willing to overcome his discomfort and go to counseling and other places like 12 step groups where he will get help. This addiction is too strong for him to overcome it on his own.

      Regards,
      Alex

  2. Anonymous says

    Haha, whoa. Interesting take and completely irrelevant rant. Take it from a desperately wanting to quit porn addict: anything, I mean ANYTHING that might help to get sober is worthwhile trying. Check the part "take what's useful for you and leave the rest". I'm sorry that your husband is confused and not a great guy or whatever but honestly, what are you doing on this site?

    • Anonymous says

      I need advice. Or help. My now x boyfriend of 5 years has chosen porn and masterbating over our relationship. I finally kicked him out 3 weeks ago after catching him again and then he lies about it even after being caught. I love him so very much but he won’t stop. He says he’s tried without success. I mentioned counseling but he says it’s too embarrassing and won’t work anyway. Plus he says he doesn’t have a problem.
      I’m so hurt that he thinks so little of the love we shared and is choosing pprn over me. I don’t know what to do. He tells me we can’t be together again because he will hurt me again and he loves me too much to keep putting me through it. What do I do?
      Thanks for reading,
      Rjs

  3. Anonymous says

    There is a lot of value in what you say. However, in my experience my husband has been going to AA meetings for almost 28 yrs and has used it as a source of ego-enrichment. That sounds almost okay, but he has been extremely dishonest in the things he has "shared" about his core family and any things going on in his life that he isn't proud of. ex: his constant marijuana use, his addiction to porn and masturbation (after we have sex and he is in bed next to me. He would fly into a rage whenever I let him know I knew what was "up". He was going to very nice restaurants with groups of men (and women!) for approx 10 yrs; after his noon meetings whenever he could slip away from our business on the excuse that he had to "go to the bank", whatever, it was approx. 4 hours wasted each day he did this. He lost a lot of respect from our employees who always had a good team feeling before he became so "popular". Meanwhile our sons were taught to disrespect me and leave all the traditionally male responsibilities around our home to me. We did absolutely nothing recreationally, as a couple, since his remaining hours in the days were spent catching up from his absences. I had no idea he was so self-indulgent, since if I had known I would have reacted and he would have lost his manipulative attitude over me. When it was discovered, he reacted by saying "can't you just think of it as me showing the women that they can have a nice time without drinking?" Two of our sons had drinking issues during and after high school; I guess they weren't shown how to "have a nice time without drinking". AA members often disrespect their spouses without the problem, unless they have already remarried "in the program". That is very very common, also. My husband told my son-in-law that he was bringing me to an AA members wedding a few yrs. ago, so I would "wake up and see how the older men are finding much younger women in his meetings". The older men trolling for at the very least, attention, from the young or just new female members is very common. The good things about it are largely "on paper", since noone is an authority figure there to "keep it about recovery". Here in the USA it has a stranglehold on the courts and the insurance companies. How can this be good for a masturbation addict? Some people become really good at working the crowd for ego feed.

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