Why did I decide to make recovery emails?
“Good is Perfect, and Perfect is Bad” I am not sure if I’ve heard this quote somewhere, or if I came up with it myself. But I tend to want to do everything perfect. Have a perfect blog post, have a perfect email. What this perfectionism does is stops me from actually achieving my dreams. That is why I decided that whatever I do doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be good.
I have a wealth of positive information that passing through my life, and I wanted to capture some of this information. These emails will be my imperfect way of doing just that.
The wealth of information that I get mostly comes from two sources, the books that I read or listen to and the 12 step program.
For example, one book that I am reading right now is “It never crowded along the extra mile” by Dr. Wayne Dyer, and one of the quotes that he said was: “Don’t die with your music still in you”. And I don’t want to do that. I want to let my music out, as imperfect as it might be.
Another quote that he said was: “You can’t give away something that you don’t have”. And there reason that I mention this, is because my hope is that this blog is helping you, but if it doesn’t may be it is because I don’t have what you need, to give away. If that is the case, I would encourage you to go find people that do have what you need!
Another source of information for me is my 12 step meetings. It amazes me how much wisdom is passing through these rooms (and phone lines). I want to capture some of this wisdom.
Another great thing that comes out of 12 steps for me is feedback. Getting in front of real people and telling my real story. It is easy to pretend to be somebody over the internet. It is much harder to actually be it in real life in front of the real people. That is while I believe that reading books and blogs like mine is a great help, but the true recovery will only come from interaction with other people. And not just any interaction, but the kind where you can be completely honest about what is going on with you, and where people will not be afraid to give you an honest feedback. This is exactly what I get from 12 steps.
For example today one of my friends said: “45 minutes ago I respected you, I don’t anymore”. He said that after I’ve shared with him that I work full time, take 2 graduate courses in computer engineering, drive 1.5 hours one way to see my fiancée and family on the weekend, maintain this blog, and then complain that I don’t have a lot of time left. His feedback helped me to open my eyes to how stupid my actions were, and helped me to make a decision to limit the amount of time that I spend on this blog to 6 hours per week.
Quotes from 12 step group
“HONESTY, being honest with yourself, knowing what you truly want is the key to sobriety”
“If you feel y far from God, guess who moved”
“Sex Addiction is not my problem; it was a solution to my problem”
“Don’t be ashamed of the ways God chooses for us to find him”
“Failing to Plan, is Planning to Fail”
“Acting out is not a need, it’s a want”
“I act out because I don’t want to face myself”
“Do not do multiple disclosures; get it all out at once. Multiple disclosures is like reaping a wound open, let it heal a little, and then reaping it open again”
“Effect of addiction spreads like a cold to others around us”
“I leave myself no option to slip”
Breaking the Chain
Somebody made an analogy for stopping an addiction with breaking the chain. I thought it was very powerful analogy.
First it is literally just like breaking a chain; you can’t just twist it here and there a little and expect to break free. You have to yank it with everything bit of force that you have if you expect it to break.
The second analogy is just as powerful. For many of us, our addictions did not start with us, but rather were consequences of chains of events that had a lot to do with our parents and our upbringing. By stopping our addiction, we are breaking these chains of events, and helping to ensure that our children might have a better feature.
I know how you feel, but …
I’ve heard somebody say that he needs to stop saying “but” all the time, and I wasn’t sure what he meant by it. But he explained that whenever he talks to his wife, he always feels like he knows better than she does. And whenever she shares how she feels, he says that he understands, but then goes on to tell her how she should feel.
I know that I do that a lot in my relationship, and wanted to pass it on.
Not being like my Father
This theme came up a lot this week, and it was also huge theme in my own recovery. Many sex and porn addict had fathers who were sexually promiscuous. I believe that this idea of “not being like my dad” was a huge part of me developing a compulsion towards sex and masturbation. Because every time I felt a sexual urge, I also felt guild and shame, and fear that I might end up like my father. I now learn to accept that I am just a human being, and that it is normal to have urges. It is what I choose to do with them, that makes a real difference.
What Works For Others
· 12 Step Groups – Going to Multiple meetings
· Getting a Sponsor
· Working through 12 steps
· Seeing a Psychologist
· Other recovery programs
· Religious Services
· Doing inventory of believes every night
· Learning to be Honest with oneself through journaling
· Breathing exercises
· Words of other people
· Honesty (Came up a lot)
· Lighting Candles
· Playing Musical Instrument
· Getting Sobriety Chips
· Understanding ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) in my head
· Reading Positive Statements on 3/5 cards
· Having a “Safe Place” in one’s own mind
· Phone Calls to others in recovery
Our Forum Members Write
I wish all I had to share were stories of success. But there is a lot of pain that comes with this problem.
Alex i don’t understand
“i have never past a month sober, every single time i fail in my last week,
i acted out today, i only had six days to go, what am i doing wrong, i do my ERP, I’ve done almost 60 days weath and yet when i’m on the computer i can seen use it, i hear everything, all the guilt and the enevitable suffering that will surely follow, sometimes i feel like God tries to put road blocks to buy me a moment to think yet i throw it all away, i feel like i’ve reached a point where its too late to stop, i’ve already failed so i should finish, i find myself thinking about the girl i love and say forgive, that’s the part that breaks my heart, it reminds me of those stories when a person claims to love another all heartedly yet when one is being attacked by a monster the other run scared. i feel like that person. i used to feel like if she was falling i’d hold on to her hand and never let go even if evey bone in my arm was broken. everytime i fail iam miserable for week, i never truely recover, i start eating less and sleeping more , breathing becomes painful to me , i can’t stand my reflection. i alwaybs say i’d kill myself if i didn’t have people who love me but the is i’m a coward and failiar in everything i do. i’ve inexplicable pain in my life, more than most, from the day i was born yet i still fear the pain and sertanty that i’m dying, people say cowards choose death but i’ve tried so very hard, the hardest part my life is picking myself up after ive fallen, if there was a painless pill that would take my life i’d take it. i understand that in addicted but i can’t stand myself, my life is full of boken dreams, i have a deadline and i can’t seem to do any work on this computer, i feel like a waste of life, im alive but im but i dont want to be. i try but no metter what i can’t ge past 3 weeks. im running out of time she won’t be alone forever, damn it , even now im thinking about acting out , already done it twice. i took a break to go act out again just now and pain is comming back, im falling apart “
Former web porn star and exotic dancer
I wanted to formally apologize to those who all are fighting addiction to the adult entertainment industry. I was of no help.
I was involved in online photos, videos and erotic postings and dancing.
I ask for your forgiveness and am truly sorry I led you to sin and commit adultry in your minds and have lustfull ways.
I no longer am apart of this industry and have not been for several years because my lord God saved me. I returned to church and have repented. I feel guilty for my sins and will sin no more. I pray everyday to be forgiven for my sins and ask for you to pray for me as well.
Ask God for assistance. In this time and age everything revolves around sex. Pray when lust tries to overcome you and distract yourself with good acts of kindness.
AnAllias Recovery Journal
Our member AnAllias has been keeping a daily journal for the past couple of weeks. It is very insightful, and I highly encourage you to take a look at it here: http://feedtherightwolf.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=162
· I am happy to announce that Luke Gilkerson from Covenant Eyes has agreed to give our blog an interview.
· Join the fight against pornography by giving your congressman a call.