my life is terrible.. i don’t have anyone to talk to.. no girlfriend.. nothing.. just pain
there is no help for me it seems.. i hate God actually i don’t believe in him..
I just want die. One day I’ll commit suicide because this suffering doesn’t make sense…
I just want to be like my friends and enjoy in small things like conversations, jokes…
or i would accept my situation if I had a girlfriend… I pray God to give me a girl but like always nothing
fucking life and fucking God
Fuck fuck fuck
During most periods of my adult life, I would look at porn at least once a day, along with carrying on empty sexual relationships, both in person and via text, internet, phone, and pictures, with many girls – just about anyone who wanted to carry on that type of relationship. I have come to see how horrifically that damaged both my sexuality and how I look at people, especially females.
Also during most periods adult life, I had a huge problem with alcohol. At times I would drink every day, sometimes a fifth of hard alcohol every night. I have been in jail twice for a total of 70 days for drinking and driving. I lost jobs, friends and opportunities due to my drinking. I was at a place that most people would think is the lowest of the low many times, but I kept going back. Almost 3 years ago, I made a decision to stop letting alcohol control me, and I stopped drinking. I went to a 12 step meeting every day for 30 days. I have drank very small amounts of alcohol over the past 3 years on a few occasions, and recently I have committed to abstain completely.
I am currently in a long-term relationship with the girl of my dreams. My issues with sexuality have damaged our relationship more than I ever could have imagined. I am blessed that my girlfriend has stayed with me after finding out a year ago that I had been cheating on her and looking at massive amounts of pornography for the entirety of the relationship. Even after all of this came out, while we were in the process of working through everything, there were many times that I went back to look at porn. I hadn’t realized just how damaging my behavior was, and I hadn’t decided that I do not want it in my life anymore. My girlfriend helped me through everything, and she was actually the one that showed me this site.
In July of 2010, I made a decision similar to what I decided about alcohol 3 years ago. I decided to stop letting pornography affect my life like it was. I decided my girlfriend was worth more than the pornography. I did not look at pornography for 8 months. I was proud of myself, I felt my outlook on life, people, and myself change for the better. My relationship with my girlfriend got so much better. It felt amazing having my sexuality focused only on my partner, and having the act of sex be more about emotional and spiritual connection than about just feeling good.
About 3 weeks ago, my girlfriend was in another state for a few days. I looked through movies that could be ordered on our cable TV. I stopped on the adult movies and browsed through them, looking at the pictures and watching the 10 second previews. I justified to myself that this wasn’t porn… they were all wearing clothes, there was no actual sex. Later, I told my girlfriend what I had done after she asked if I was doing anything I shouldn’t be doing, because obviously she had the right to ask given my past. At first, though, I told I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was still justifying to myself, I didn’t want to believe that I had broken my string of not looking at porn and not being unfaithful.
But I did break it. It has been one of the worst feelings I have ever felt to disappoint myself and the most important person in my life after thinking that I had overcome my sexual issues. I pray that my girlfriend will stay with me still, but I know the toll that my problems have taken on her is enormous. I know that almost anyone would have left me a year ago. We do have many times where things are great and she believes in me, that I have changed and will continue to do so, but we also have times where we fight or where it is painfully obvious just how much I have hurt her. I don’t know if it’s right to ask her to stay with me but I love her so much and I feel that I can be the man she deserves.
So that is where I am right now. After coming so far and then falling, I realize more than ever how huge of a problem this is. Even though I made many decisions to keep porn out of my life for what is to me a pretty long time, I did go back to it despite truly believing that I had left it for good. I have always been resistant to calling it an addiction, I have always been resistant to saying that I have no power over my actions or that a compulsion has power over me. I feel like the choices are mine to make, yet I can’t find any reason I would choose to go back to pornography. I have a perfect girlfriend who is far more attractive than any of the girls in porn I was looking at, I have great family and friends, and a great job. I absolutely believe in and have been asking my higher power for help, so my resistance to being powerless is not based on any resistance to a higher power. I just can’t understand why I would choose to go back to porn (or even look at it in the first place) with all the amazing, healthy gifts I have been given in life. I know how I feel about porn, I know that I hate it and don’t want it in my life, but I knew that before I went back to it. I know I love my girlfriend more than anything on earth, and I chose her over porn many many times over my 8 month period of not looking at porn, but I still chose porn over her 3 weeks ago.
I hope to find support here as I go from being 8 months sober to 3 weeks. Thank you all for caring, thank you Alex for creating this site and forum, and I love you all.
does not matter how i feel at that particular point in time, i start to smile, i wanted to prove to myself that i loved her more than anything so i grinned and clawed my way to her birthday
on that day i went to a place i used to go to when i was young, maybe 3 years ago, i sat there for over an hour listening to songs on my ipod i hadn’t listened to in years, it was far from where i live, it was late, it was outside, i should have probably been scared but i wasn’t, i felt the way i use to when i first became aware of her existence, i felt invincible, strong, brave and for that special i had the peace i used to have when i was positive she would be mine, not because i thought i was good enough for her but because i love her so much i thought that it was impossible for her to not feel me no matter where she is and almost a week after her birthday i don’t have anything to aim for anymore.
after my last slip i felt like i couldn’t get myself back up for another shot
when i finally tried again, i felt like i couldn’t bare to fail another time, i guess that’s part of the reason i managed to stay sober for as long as have now, every time i felt like acting out, i would feel scared and sick and remember the pain and guilt, for those of you who don’t know, i have OCD so cleaning up after a slip is very difficult, what with the having to repeat everything, what takes minutes takes hours for me.
i realised that staying like this isn’t what scares me the most, what scares me the most is that if i don’t get sober she will never be mine, i live a miserable life but i live it because i know that where she is there is no pain.
i can’t tell her incredibly awesome, i think she is when i’m like this , she will never be mine if i don’t get sober
i want her to see me the way i see her, not as a guy whose dug a hole so deep he can’t he crawl up out of it.
my cravings are getting worse, Tuesday i spent hours looking at television shopping channels hoping to see women in spandex, those shopping channels where they try exercise mechine, and they show you how the person looked and how the person looks when the product is been used. Today i downloaded videos from a site which bans what we are all trying to stop but shows videos of the peoples dance tease and interviews, i haven’t watched them, though i think this would be a trigger for me i downloaded anyway.
i read your post LucasM it made Thursday easier i am grateful and analias i am grateful to you too and Alex im reading your message after ive post
i am thinking about destroying my computer, im scared deleting the internet isn’t enough, ive used ERP, ive written a journal, what do i do how do i stay sober, i dont think i could survive an other slip, please tell me what to do, what ever it is ill do it
just tell me what to do