Teenagers and Addiction: A Letter to Young People

I am often surprised by how many comments and forum posts on Feed the Right Wolf come from teenagers and even pre-teens seeking help.  Their stories are both heartbreaking and inspiring.  It is amazing to witness the maturity, insight, and awareness it takes to recognize this problem, and the strength and courage it takes to face it and seek help. Teens and pre-teens who are struggling with this addiction, you are not alone.  A recent survey says that about 11 million teenagers use porn Read more […]

Now What? 9 Things to Do as You Move Forward

As you begin the recovery process together, both partners in the marriage have a lot of work to do.  Spouses, these are things you should ask from your recovering partner to demonstrate good faith and repair the damage done by his or her addiction.  Recovering addicts, these are things you should willingly do for your spouses, for your marriage, and for yourself. Exchange passwords.  As a couple, you should exchange passwords for email accounts, instant-messaging services, social media Read more […]

Why Does Your Spouse Use Pornography?

One of the first and hardest things we face as the spouses of sex addicts is the struggle to understand why.  Why would he hurt me this way?  Why did he turn to porn when I was always there for him?  Why was I not enough?  Why does my spouse use pornography? That is a complex question, but it is important to understand that your partner’s actions had nothing to do with you.  This was in no way your fault; no shortcoming of yours drove your spouse to seek pleasure elsewhere; and there Read more […]

Does Your Porn-Addicted Partner Still Love You?

Pornography use does not necessarily mean that your partner no longer loves you, or that he or she no longer finds you attractive. Remember Tiger Woods’ wife, the gorgeous blond supermodel?  Remember Sandra Bullock, one of America’s most adored actresses?  They were both very beautiful, vibrant, successful women, and their husbands still cheated, repeatedly.  Clearly, this infidelity had nothing to do with either woman’s attractiveness; your spouse’s infidelity has nothing to do with your attractiveness, Read more […]

5 Steps to Help Your Spouse with Porn Addiction

If you’ve just discovered your spouse’s porn habit, you are probably angry and hurt.  If, despite that, you are wondering how to help your spouse overcome the habit and move forward, here are some steps you can take. STEP 1: START WITH REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS.   There are a few things you can do in this situation and a lot of things you can’t do, because most of what needs to be done is up to your partner. You can: Point out to your spouse that his or her pornography use is unhealthy Read more […]

How Should You React to Your Spouse’s Porn?

If your spouse watches porn, does that mean that he/she isn’t attracted to you? Your spouse’s porn habit probably does not mean that he or she no longer finds you attractive.  One of the most important things to remember about pornography use or any other infidelity is that this behavior is absolutely not a reflection on you.  It is not caused by any shortcoming on your part, it is not your fault, and it has nothing to do with you, except for the fact that it hurts you.  Your partner has Read more […]

A Good Resource for Recovery Journals

If you currently keep a Recovery Journal, if you plan to start one as part of your plans for the New Year, or if you’re a spouse who is keeping a journal of your feelings and observations, you might want to check out a site called 750Words.  750Words is a site designed to allow you to write and privately store a daily writing entry.  It was originally intended to provide a creative warm-up exercise for writers, but my husband and I have both found it incredibly useful for private journal entries Read more […]

Accountability in Your Marriage

It’s a cliche, but it made it to cliche status because it’s true: the foundation of any relationship is trust.  In a friendship, a family bond, a work relationship, and especially in a marriage, the other person should be able to rely on not just the truth of your words, but on the dependability, rightness, and consistency of your actions and your attitude.  The basis of that trust is accountability. In a healthy relationship, partners encourage, support, and help each other in a variety Read more […]

Porn vs. Personal Responsibility

In a recent post, I pointed out that all of us have varied responsibilities to the people in our lives. Unfortunately, pornography and related behaviors can prevent us from fulfilling those responsibilities.  Unchecked and untreated, sex addiction can wreak havoc on your family life, your children’s mental and emotional health, and even your employment prospects.  Here’s how porn gets between you and your responsibilities: Your Responsibility to Your Partner: Be faithful to him or her. Read more […]

What is Accountability?

The addiction recovery community often talks about the concept of accountability.  Addicts are often advised to find and work with an “accountability partner”, and spouses are admonished to hold their addicted partners accountable for their actions.  Several companies market software designed to support accountability efforts.  What is accountability, and why is it so important? Merriam-Webster’s dictionary calls it “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for Read more […]