Mac vs. PC © by Ed Yourdon
If your spouse watches porn, does that mean that he/she isn’t attracted to you?
Your spouse’s porn habit probably does not mean that he or she no longer finds you attractive. One of the most important things to remember about pornography use or any other infidelity is that this behavior is absolutely not a reflection on you. It is not caused by any shortcoming on your part, it is not your fault, and it has nothing to do with you, except for the fact that it hurts you. Your partner has an illness and has made some unhealthy choices, but you are okay.
Although there are female porn addicts, the majority of the couples we see on Feed the Right Wolf involve an addicted or recovering husband (so please forgive the gender bias in this post). Men are more visually-oriented that women, in general, and they are drawn to novelty and variety in images. This is why pornography is such an effective trap for so many viewers. It is not about you.
Why does your partner use pornography?
It might be helpful to understand the addiction cycle. This behavior typically begins with boredom. Most pornography users initially believe that their habit is an acceptable and healthy way to deal with boredom or loneliness (most of their partners feel otherwise). The variety and easy access offered by internet pornography, in particular, makes it very easy for an idle click or two to escalate quickly into an unhealthy habit which is very hurtful to you as a spouse.
For many people, pornography can become a way of attempting to cope with sadness, loneliness, stress, anxiety, and other negative feelings. As described in the addiction cycle, viewing pornography (or engaging in other addictive behavior like drinking, gambling, or drug use) can give the user a good feeling that temporarily replaces the negative ones. This is because viewing sexual images produces a feeling of pleasure and excitement caused by a chemical in the brain called dopamine. Over time, this causes the brain to develop a tolerance, so the user needs more and stronger stimuli (more porn, or more hard-core porn) to get the same feeling. This is called addiction.
Should you be angry at your spouse for viewing pornography?
You have every right to be angry at your partner, and you should not tolerate this behavior in your relationship. Pornography is a form of infidelity, and it is not acceptable in a relationship if the other spouse is bothered by it. Even if your partner’s behavior is the result of an addiction, which is a legitimate mental illness which requires treatment, he or she is still responsible for his or her actions and their effect on you.
However, being angry at your spouse does not mean that you have to- or should- leave. Only you can make that decision. Much will depend on how your partner responds to your feelings. Here are some questions you should ask yourself:
- Is he or she willing to admit that he or she has a problem?
- Is he or she willing to seek treatment (usually counseling, therapy, and/or a recovery program)?
- Is he or she willing to work toward giving up pornography?
- Does he or she seem to care about how you feel?
- How does he or she behave in other aspects of your relationship?
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Tagged with: addiction recovery • anger • anger management • couples • dealing with anger • Emotion • emotional health • emotions • expressing anger • expressing feelings • family and addiction • feelings • Intimate relationship • living with an addict • marriage • my husband is a porn addict • my husband is addicted to porn • porn addiction • Sex Addiction • Sexual addiction
Filed under: Brain and Addiction • Family and Addiction • Health and Wellness • Healthy Relationships • Porn Addiction Cycle • Sex Addiction
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I have read your posts about your husband’s porn addiction. I dont think I fit this category. I mean, maybe I have an addiction, or maybe not.
I struggle with my sex drive – and my wife basically hasn’t initiated sex for months, and sex has been scarce, probably once a month.
As a male, I cant just ignore it. Its like hunger – the more you go without food, the more you think about food. Porn is merely the only way I know to get that release – but I dont do it compulsively – I generally do it to arouse myself enough to then go and give myself a release so that my sex drive diminishes. Its less than once a day, probably only a couple times a week…but I’m fighting to stay in control and wish I didn’t have a “need” for sexual release. I’m sure some guys can go without it but I have never been able to.
There have been times in the past where my wife would want sex a couple times a week and things were great – and during those times I had no desire to masturbate or view porn. I allowed my wife to meet that need and I had no need for more (although more sex would’ve been welcomed – 3 times a week seems to be my sweet spot).
I’ve not mentioned anything about the porn to her, but I have raised the issue of sex at least 3 times over the last 4 months, and she says she understands but its always a difficult issue because she just doesn’t feel like sex ever and says I’m just making her feel like she cant do anything right. So I feel ashamed for making her upset and go back to ignoring my own feelings just to keep the conflict out of our marriage. its not a solution, I know that – but what choice do I have?
If we didn’t have kids I’d be seriously considering leaving at this point. I feel like I’m living with someone who claims she loves me but isn’t willing to follow through with that – ie. she loves me how she wants to, but with no regard to whether I feel loved.
But I love my kids, and I’m not walking away from them. So I’ve resigned myself to staying around and being miserable every night just so I can be their daddy. I’m getting so depressed – I’ve been bipolar before.
It sucks.
SP
I too have the addiction. It sadness me that you fill alone and that you feel that your only way out is acting out. I have found that there is a great deal of therapy in talking with men that suffer from the same addiction. Seek out a support group like the Samson Society or just talk with friends that you trust with this information. There is freedom out there, even if your wife does not satisfy you sexually.
Will