If your spouse watches porn, does that mean that he/she isn’t attracted to you?

Your spouse’s porn habit probably does not mean that he or she no longer finds you attractive. One of the most important things to remember about pornography use or any other infidelity is that this behavior is absolutely not a reflection on you.

It is not caused by any shortcoming on your part, it is not your fault, and it has nothing to do with you, except for the fact that it hurts you. Your partner has an illness and has made some unhealthy choices, but you are okay.

Although there are female porn addicts, the majority of the couples we see on Feed the Right Wolf involve an addicted or recovering husband (so please forgive the gender bias in this post).  Men are more visually-oriented that women, in general, and they are drawn to novelty and variety in images.

This is why pornography is such an effective trap for so many viewers.  It is not about you.

Why does your partner use pornography?

It might be helpful to understand the addiction cycle.  This behavior typically begins with boredom.  Most pornography users initially believe that their habit is an acceptable and healthy way to deal with boredom or loneliness (most of their partners feel otherwise).  

The variety and easy access offered by internet pornography, in particular, makes it very easy for an idle click or two to escalate quickly into an unhealthy habit which is very hurtful to you as a spouse.

For many people, pornography can become a way of attempting to cope with sadness, loneliness, stress, anxiety, and other negative feelings. As described in the addiction cycle, viewing pornography (or engaging in other addictive behavior like drinking, gambling, or drug use) can give the user a good feeling that temporarily replaces the negative ones.

This is because viewing sexual images produces a feeling of pleasure and excitement caused by a chemical in the brain called dopamine. Over time, this causes the brain to develop a tolerance, so the user needs more and stronger stimuli (more porn, or more hard-core porn) to get the same feeling.  This is called addiction.

Should you be angry at your spouse for viewing pornography?

You have every right to be angry at your partner, and you should not tolerate this behavior in your relationship.  Pornography is a form of infidelity, and it is not acceptable in a relationship if the other spouse is bothered by it.

Even if your partner’s behavior is the result of an addiction, which is a legitimate mental illness which requires treatment, he or she is still responsible for his or her actions and their effect on you.

However, being angry at your spouse does not mean that you have to- or should- leave.  Only you can make that decision.  Much will depend on how your partner responds to your feelings.  Here are some questions you should ask yourself:

  • Is he or she willing to admit that he or she has a problem?
  • Is he or she willing to seek treatment (usually counseling, therapy, and/or a recovery program)?
  • Is he or she willing to work toward giving up pornography?
  • Does he or she seem to care about how you feel?
  • How does he or she behave in other aspects of your relationship?

 

 


Relavant Keywords:husband watches too much porn, should i be upset that my husband watches, what does it mean when your husband looks at porn, what does it mean if your husband watches porn, spouse porn, what does it mean if my husband watches porn
Web Analytics