Path Lopud Island © by Jude Doyland
As you begin the recovery process together, both partners in the marriage have a lot of work to do. Spouses, these are things you should ask from your recovering partner to demonstrate good faith and repair the damage done by his or her addiction. Recovering addicts, these are things you should willingly do for your spouses, for your marriage, and for yourself.
- Exchange passwords. As a couple, you should exchange passwords for email accounts, instant-messaging services, social media sites like Facebook and Twitter, photo-sharing services like Flickr and Photobucket, blogs, forums, and any other online profiles or services. Why? Some porn sites require email registration; also, some cases of sex addiction can lead to behaviors like cyber-sex, or even online affairs or offline hookups. This makes password-sharing an important tool for transparency. Sharing and transparency shouldn’t be one-sided, though; neither partner needs to feel like the other has control over the relationship.
- Agree on access to browser histories, computer files, and cell phones. This is another important transparency tool. Most modern cell phones also come with an internet browser, a camera, and messaging capabilities, any of which could facilitate a relapse. When I looked at the files on my husband’s computer in the days after a major relapse, I was shocked by how many hundreds of pornographic images I found. Recovering addicts, your spouse needs the peace of mind that comes with being able to see that your computer is porn-free, and you need the support of someone who will hold you accountable. It is important to agree on rules and permission in advance. Neither partner should ever just snoop in the other’s belongings without asking, because such behavior is disrespectful and controlling. However, both partners should know that if they ask, they will be willingly given access.
- Use accountability software. Emails, instant messages, and browser histories can be deleted. Accountability software emails information about the user’s online activities directly to his or her partner, ensuring honesty and transparency for the spouse and accountability support for the recovering addict. Some software also comes with an internet filter to block pornographic or sexual content; these filters are also available separately.
- Seek counseling and a diagnosis. A professional psychologist can formally diagnose you with sex addiction if your situation fits the criteria; this may make you feel more comfortable with seeking help, and it may make it easier for family members to accept that you have a real, valid illness. Counseling and talk therapy can also help you identify underlying problems – childhood events, misconceptions, or other factors in your addiction – and deal with them in healthy ways. If you suffer from another mental illness, such as depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, or anxiety disorder, a trained professional can help identify that problem and offer treatment, which will help with your own well-being, improve your quality of life, and aid in your addiction recovery.
- Enter a 12-Step or other treatment program. The structured nature of the program, combined with group support and accountability, is a vital resource. There are a lot of programs available; for instance, Sex Addicts Anonymous is specifically for sex addicts, COSA is designed for family members of addicts; and Recovering Couples Anonymous is for addicts and their partners together. If you’re hesitant about participating in a group, most of these programs offer phone meetings, too.
- Utilize the Free Recovery Course on this site. Alex has put together a great set of materials to help you understand how addiction works, how to break the cycle, how to move forward, and how to prevent and handle relapses. Education is very important in approaching this disease, especially since it is misunderstood by so many people. The Free Recovery Course is a great tool with a lot of really useful information for both addicts and family members.
- Attend couples’ counseling together. Your marriage has probably been seriously damaged by your addiction. Couples’ counseling will help you move forward together in healthy ways. Your counselor can act as a mediator in difficult discussions, help you understand each other’s perspectives, and teach you both healthy ways to address your feelings and resolve conflicts.
- Sign up for the Feed the Right Wolf forums. The forums here on Feed the Right Wolf can be an incredible resource. Sex addiction is often difficult to talk about openly, so a safe, friendly, anonymous community is a great place to share your feelings and experiences. Our members are recovering addicts and their spouses, and whether you are a partner or a recovering addict, the discussions there can be a great source of perspective on what your loved one is dealing with. The forums are also a wonderful source of encouragement, understanding, support, accountability, and inspiration for your own recovery process.
- Start a Recovery Journal. It is often useful to write down your feelings and experiences as you deal with sex addiction. A recovery journal can give you a safe, private place to express your feelings, your fears, and your strugges; it can also help you, over time, to identify your triggers and patterns in your addictive behavior. Keeping a journal can also be an encouraging record of your progress. You can keep your journal the old-fashioned way using a notebook, you can write it in a public or a private blog entry, or you can post all or part of it in the forums here, to utilize the support and insight of our community.
Relavant Keywords:why shouldnt partners of sex addicts snoop?, why you shouldn\t date a sex addict
Tagged with: Accountability • accountability software • addiction recovery • couples • couples' counseling • Emotion • family and addiction • how to overcome addiction • how to recover from porn addiction • husband porn addict • living with an addict • marriage • marriage counseling • my husband is a porn addict • my husband is addicted to porn • Pornography addiction • pornography addiction cycle • respo • Sex Addiction • sex counseling • therapy
Filed under: 12 Steps Programs • Family and Addiction • Free Recovery Course • Health and Wellness • Healthy Relationships • Internet Filters and Accountability Software • Sex Addiction • Treatment Program for Porn Addiction
Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!
1. Exchange passwords, right, except for that secret email account, or two, he has stashed back. So, he can monitor and try to control me, but I am fooling myself if I think he is being transparent.
2. Willingly ask, but never willingly given. He only gives what he has to in order to look good, like always. If I don’t ask the EXACT RIGHT QUESTION, he happily denies anything.
3. Accountability software? Do you really know how EASY it is to buy a pay as you go phone? Prepay credit cards? How long does it actually take a man to masturbate inside a female body?
4. Again, it sure looks good. But working at pretending are his way of life. Lying is his best skill or he would never have been able to get so far into the addiction at all. That IS who he truly is.
5. Hell yeah, I need counseling. Whatever trauma he is compensating for in his own head with all his addiction, he brought ten times that much into my life. Sure, I had some baggage coming into this relationship. Right, I’m not perfect. But nothing, nothing compared to the devastation I am trying to recover from at the hands of my ‘best friend’. Thanks, I am really feeling the love.
6. Pretending to do the work means sign up, and no work.
7. Oh my GOD! NO! He will twist you up so badly, and the counselor assumes that YOU are the problem because YOU actually display the PTSD symptoms from HIS actions. He can be cool and calm because he has been dumping his emotional crap onto other people and now that person is ALL YOU! The saying ‘you can tell how bad an alcoholic has gotten, just by looking at his wife’ REALLY applies here.
8. Lots of feel good, not enough tough love. Somehow that NORMALIZES the damage they are inflicting on others. Got an addiction? I do feel very deeply sorrow that your life has so much pain. Doing everything in your power to inflict pain on someone else so you get to feel better? Carry your own baggage!
9. Yes, a place to write down how much everyone else is to blame for your issues. Just another way to reinforce those brain pathways of self pity, rage, resentment.
Just because he says he wants recovery, doesn’t mean any more than any other thing he has said about commitment, or love, or trust, or fidelity. Anything to look good. Lies are a way of life. I read about the addict searching for their ‘true self’, well, they have been practicing secrecy, deceit, lies, resentment, blame, hate, for so long, that IS who they truly are. To change, they must absolutely reject everything about themselves and actively become someone new. Yet, they also must accept themselves and forgive, which most becomes more excuses and more rationalizations and more minimizing. Be wary, because for most of us, this is as good as the relationship is going to get. Can you accept him JUST THE WAY HE IS RIGHT NOW? Cause, this IS who he is, and that is highly unlikely to change.
As a recovering addict, I can say your negativity won’t help. Yes, it’s in his nature– everything wrong we do, every selfish action, is in our nature, because we are basically selfish creatures– but constantly saying that this is who he is will not help him to rise above his instincts. I can understand why you do not trust him, but if you have any desire to retain what you had, or obtain what you hoped to have, then you must support him, not tear him down. I understand completely why you feel this way. But if he told you, and he desires to rid himself of his addiction, then please, you must help him.
In your apparent lack of trust for everyone, are you not blaming everyone but yourself? Please, seek help, both for yourself and for him, whoever you are.
I know I do not understand the full situation, but I believe that you may not understand him completely, either. Please understand that I am only trying to be helpful.