I had a big slip


Hello friends,

I am writing to get current and honest about my recovery. I just had a big slip last Thursday, which is the result of poor choices that I’ve made in the previous year. Bellow is the summary of some of conclusions that I draw for myself.

1. I got cocky

I began to think of myself as THE Alex form Feed The Right Wolf. The reality is that I am just an Alex. I am no better and no worse than anybody else in recovery. I don’t know any secret sauce, and like everybody else I get out of recovery exactly what I put into recovery.

2. I got lazy

I stopped feeding the right wolf. All of the things that I’ve done in the first years of my recovery, I slowly let go of. I didn’t journal, didn’t write on FTRW, didn’t see a therapist, didn’t meditate, didn’t go to my 12 step group. Didn’t, didn’t, didn’t

3. I tried to do it alone.

In my first years of recovery, I had a strong support around me, from therapist, to sponsor it a 12 step in recovery, to a large 12-step group, to all of the people on this site. Since they, I stayed away, and tried to do it by myself. Alone. This is just not the kind of thing that you overcome in isolation. And when I do isolate, things tend to get worse.

I think that is it. I hope you are doing better with your recovery than I did with mine.

Regards,
Alex

Call (916)259-3827 For Professional Help

P.S. Recommended Resources:

  • Sex Addicts Anonymous
    I cannot imagine my recovery without this program.
  • Free Podcast and Mini Course from Candeo Can
    I owe my first 90 days of continuous sobriety to this program and highly recommend it.
  • Internet Accountability Software
    Using this software allowed me to get truly honest with my internet usage for the first time in my life. For some reason knowing that my every step was being observed and reported on, made it really easy to use internet only in a healthy way.
  • Treating Pornography Addiction by Kevin B. Skinner Ph.D.
    I have read over 15 books on Pornography and Sexual addiction and this truly is one of the best books on the subject. The reason is I recommend this particular book is because it is full of excellent actionable steps. Other books do a good job describing the problem, but don’t really offer a realistic solution.
  • Your Sexually Addicted Spouse – How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens Ph.D.
    I know that about half of visitors to our site are spouses of people who might be suffering with pornography and sex addiction. To the best of my knowledge this book is one of the most helpful books for the partners.
  • Free Consultation from Coach Craig
    Coach Craig has been a good friend and supporter of this site since January 2013. He has worked with people from all over the world, including famous musicians and other high profile individuals. Yet, he is only a phone call away and would be glad to give you a free consultation. Call him anytime, with any question you might have, and I am know he will be extremely happy to help in any way he can.

Comments

  1. Lili says

    Hi, i have stumled across this site, and i need some dire help… My boyfriend/fiance is a porn addict. he sexts other girls, and i think he may be sleeping with them as well, he hides his phone/laptop, aand if i touch it, he freaks, he will stop having sex with me for weeks at a time, and it is hurting me. i am close to leaving him, but i love him so much, despite this. when i caught him redhanded multiple times he claimed “It is your fault. i only want my privacy” etc. I need advice, please email me.
    Thank you, so much.

  2. petete says

    Im Pete, Im 23 and I have been a porn addict for approximately 8 years.
    I became a Christian 4 years ago, and God set me free from drug addiction, yet porn addiction has always been a battle since then.
    I know God loves me and forgives me, but I really can not go on anymore with this addiction.
    This is the first time I have really started seeking help from outside myself and my close friends. I have had a few accountability partners, and have had periods of doing quite well and walking in freedom, but I have always returned to porn.
    Im completely lost and have no idea how to get free. Ive read countless books, heard countless advice and done many online recovery courses. Ive learnt a lot through them, but Im still just as addicted.
    Ive never joined a recovery course like AA, I find the thought of doing so quite weird. So many excuses come into my mind. Like, what if I am the only 23 year old there, what if nobody else suffers from porn addiction, what if the course doesn’t help?
    I know that I need to go to one, but to be honest I am having trouble finding one.
    I live in Bradford, UK; does anyone know of somewhere I can go where I can get help?
    I would like it if the course recommended is somewhat close by, is Christian, has porn addicts, as well as people my age.
    That may be asking too much, but I believe God is the provider and Saviour,
    Alex, thanks for this site and your testimonies,
    God doesn’t view you as a failure,
    If you are in Christ, your perfect in His sight,
    Thanks,

  3. stephen says

    Hi Alex , I have been using this site for a couple of years or so but never ever got more than 4 or 5 days abstinence or sober time because i didn’t put enough aCtion in , i have not been on this site for quite a while , i did a lot of what was suggested , i remember saying in our live chat that i would get my drugs councilor , who i trust with all my life , and share my porn addiction with him and after procrastinating about that for about 2 months i did , i was sitting in his car sharing my usual resentments and stuff with him , hes more of a sponsor than anything else, i asked what he thought of gambling addiction and then porn …. and from then on i opened up , i didnt have to to say much , i did though but he understood me from the beginning , i cant thank him or you enough ! I am 3 months clean and sober , sober from pills for multiple years alcohol for multiple years gambling for multiple years but this was killing me and taking up all my time , i was a bit suicidal i had suicidal thoughts , i would spend hours and hours and stay up all night acting out watching porn watching live cams , searching for porn , storing porn on my external hard drive , 3 months ago when i deleted it i thought , i have did this many times before , but i was sick to the core , so yes , just 3 months sober from porn but one day at a time i live free from this , i cant afford any coaching but it certainly does look beneficial for those who can , i only ever donated 5 or 10 dollars , i am not cocky , i know i have to keep working this , ive not been to an saa meeting but know i must soon , im afraid i meet someone i know … from my area in AA / NA . It was GOOD to read about your relapse and how it happened , how you got cocky and lazy , it just goes to show that we must work at this every day! and enjoy the freedom also , anyway man , thanks again for such a wonderful website , a wonderful free website that has helped many and hopefully will help many more of all ages.
    As for 12 13 14 year olds i would just say that may be part of growing up , maybe wait until you are a bit older before you see if you have a problem , you may have and i guess its ok to start trying to get better sooner so good luck everyone , put the effort in , it pays off. Below is a poem i love , it has helped me a lot .

    “Don’t Quit”

    When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
    When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
    When the funds are low and the debts are high
    And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
    When care is pressing you down a bit,
    Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.

    Life is queer with its twists and turns,
    As everyone of us sometimes learns,
    And many a failure turns about
    When he might have won had he stuck it out;
    Don’t give up though the pace seems slow–
    You may succeed with another blow.

    Success is failure turned inside out–
    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
    And you never can tell how close you are.
    It may be near when it seems so far.
    So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
    It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

    • Alex says

      Hello and welcome back,

      In regards to SAA , I say go for it. The only people you might meet there, would be there for the same reason as you are, so if anything you’ll feel better.

      Go for it really, you will be happy you did.

      Regards,
      Alex

  4. Smitty says

    Alex, it is an honorable thing to confess that you slipped, it takes courageous humility. I’m in the same boat with that small leak that’s sinking me into an old self that I’ve worked so hard to escape from. My old self would make excuses and let all of my guards down. The most significant thing to remember, for me, is that when I’m not progressing I’m going backwards. Even when I, too, recently became stagnant in my devotion to fully recovering I’ve endangered myself with that old toxic thinking and behavior.

    My marriage is being marred and my wife is losing faith in me. We’re both very young, 27 years each, and we can definitely say this is one of our first “big marriage issues.” I pray for resources to help me and those prayers are answered. I pray for strength, will and focus and “I” get in my own way the times I succumb to it. I have been strong, I’ve had will and determination and have learned so much, but sometimes I don’t apply all of the energy it takes to remain abstinent and cured.

    Alex, you’re a wonderful man for what you’re doing and I know that you will move ahead stronger and more devoted to a cure than ever before. Godspeed brother.

    • Garthe says

      My story is likely the same as anyone’s. I have had a problem with porn since I was 13 years old and that was the first time I acted out on masturbating because the enjoyment of viewing alone was not enough or rather fruitful. It would start when friends with mobile phones accessible to the internet shared their viewing interests of porn with me, I did not budge because everyone was doing it at the residence I used to reside in. I grew up attending a boarding school so it was sort of also conventional that boys in the residence would fantasize about naked females and all with the aid of porn sites.Only I knew that I was going to extend the fantasy sessions solemnly in my bed,long after the lights were switched off. I am 21 now and I do not want to pursue my atrocious habits any longer. I confide in pornography more than anything else in my life. It is like my pillar of false strength. I admit that I am an addict and should find help if not endure upstanding from porn for as long as I live. Most of my joyful memories in life do not include this addiction in it. I read most of the stories in on this website portray my life almost perfectly. I need to uproot this devil in me for the betterment of my life and those I care about. I know that I have been attempting to abolish this contract with the devil for many years but this time I am prepared to give in my all and seek every hand I can benefit for with God flanking me.

    • Garthe says

      My story is likely the same as anyone’s. I have had a problem with porn since I was 13 years old and that was the first time I acted out on masturbating because the enjoyment of viewing alone was not enough or rather fruitful. It would start when friends with mobile phones accessible to the internet shared their viewing interests of porn with me, I did not budge because everyone was doing it at the residence I used to reside in. I grew up attending a boarding school so it was sort of also conventional that boys in the residence would fantasize about naked females and all with the aid of porn sites.Only I knew that I was going to extend the fantasy sessions solemnly in my bed,long after the lights were switched off. I am 21 now and I do not want to pursue my atrocious habits any longer. I confide in pornography more than anything else in my life. It is like my pillar of false strength. I admit that I am an addict and should find help if not endure upstanding from porn for as long as I live. Most of my joyful memories in life do not include this addiction in it. I read most of the stories on this website and have to admit that they portray my life almost perfectly. I need to uproot this devil in me for the betterment of my life and those I care about. I know that I have been attempting to abolish this contract with the devil for many years but this time I am prepared to give in my all and seek every hand I can benefit from with God flanking me.

  5. Danyelle says

    I have to admit that I was instantly triggered with fear, anger and hopelessness when I read this; but you have strength and courage that has helped me immensely. Dealing with the triggers and the deeep core growth are what we are all here for, THANKS to you. As a partner, reading this, MY inner child popped up wanting to believe that once you commit to recovery that everyone has the “perfect happy ending” and all of our pain is instantly relieved and we can get on with life–always heroically moving onward and upward. TOTALLY unrealistic, but there it was! As the Compassionate Adult, I consciously know that road comes with bumps. And that’s ok.
    I want to send you support even if I’m shaking as I write this (fallen hero/fairy tail thing that is actually making me kind of chuckle at MY first thought wrong. GOOFY, huh?. I don’t consciously think this way but there it was, even in the tiniest amount, and it was enough to set me shaking! Calling Joseph Campbell!) It’s just a reminder that my husband will slip too, his denial, his “core identity habits” that are actually addict based and how I it really triggers my safety issues. So, thank you for setting off my triggers today in a safe environment so I can work on them today with mindfulness and awareness; knowing that even the tiniest childish whim/daydream/fantasy that lingers in the corners of the subconscious are triggers, and seen through the eyes of courage, are opportunities for clearing and healing. Faith, Courage and ENTHUSIASM!!
    Thank you for your courage to help me get stronger today.

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