Feed The Right Wolf

Secrets, Transparency, and Recovery

Kay Jones — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 07:10:21 +0000

In one of his previous posts, Alex commented that you are only as sick as your worst secret. Secrets are your worst enemy in recovery, in trying to stay clean, and in trying to rebuild your relationship. Your spouse needs you to be transparent, especially where your online activities are concerned. Transparency allows him or her to see for himself or herself that you are "staying clean" and being an honest and faithful partner. In the aftermath of the kinds of behavior sex addiction Read more [...]

What to Expect from Therapy or Counseling

Kay Jones — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:08:05 +0000

When I walked nervously into my first counseling session about a year ago, I had no idea what to expect, and no idea how the process worked. A kindly woman about my mother's age opened the conversation with, "So, what are your objectives for counseling?" I was both confused and daunted; no one had warned me that there would be a quiz on the first day! "Um... to get better?" I stammered. I had sought counseling mostly at my husband's insistence, because he saw that the anger, grief, and Read more [...]

Married to a Sex Addict: What Does This Mean for Your Marriage?

Kay Jones — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 03:29:49 +0000

If you have just discovered that your spouse suffers from sex addiction, you probably have a lot of questions. "Why did he do this?" "Is there something wrong with me?" "Should I be angry?" "What does this mean for our marriage?" Your spouse's sex addiction does not necessarily mean that your marriage is over, or that you can never regain the intimacy and affection you previously had. If you are both willing to work and forgive, you can make your marriage strong and happy again. Read more [...]

Is Pornography Mostly Harmless? (No!)

Kay Jones — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 05:42:57 +0000

An unfortunately popular misconception in our culture is that pornography use is a normal, harmless habit. If you are a porn user, you may be relying on this idea to rationalize or justify your habit to yourself and your family (if you are a recovering addict, you may have done so earlier in your journey, and you already know better). This misinformation is one of the things keeping you trapped by your pornography habit. Please read this. If you are the spouse of an addict, your partner Read more [...]

You Are Not Alone

Kay Jones — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 11:15:04 +0000

Whether you are a recovering addict or a partner, sex addiction is difficult to talk about, even with people you normally trust. Unfortunately, our society still stigmatizes most mental health issues, so even more conventional illnesses like depression or anxiety disorders are too often met with skepticism, ignorance, or judgement. Sexual issues can be especially sensitive, for everyone involved. As a result, the long and difficult journey toward recovery can feel very lonely and isolated. Read more [...]

Teenagers and Addiction: A Letter to Young People

Kay Jones — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 22:21:02 +0000

I am often surprised by how many comments and forum posts on Feed the Right Wolf come from teenagers and even pre-teens seeking help. Their stories are both heartbreaking and inspiring. It is amazing to witness the maturity, insight, and awareness it takes to recognize this problem, and the strength and courage it takes to face it and seek help. Teens and pre-teens who are struggling with this addiction, you are not alone. A recent survey says that about 11 million teenagers use porn Read more [...]

Now What? 9 Things to Do as You Move Forward

Kay Jones — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 22:11:36 +0000

As you begin the recovery process together, both partners in the marriage have a lot of work to do. Spouses, these are things you should ask from your recovering partner to demonstrate good faith and repair the damage done by his or her addiction. Recovering addicts, these are things you should willingly do for your spouses, for your marriage, and for yourself. Exchange passwords. As a couple, you should exchange passwords for email accounts, instant-messaging services, social media Read more [...]

Why Does Your Spouse Use Pornography?

Kay Jones — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 02:50:34 +0000

One of the first and hardest things we face as the spouses of sex addicts is the struggle to understand why. Why would he hurt me this way? Why did he turn to porn when I was always there for him? Why was I not enough? Why does my spouse use pornography? That is a complex question, but it is important to understand that your partner's actions had nothing to do with you. This was in no way your fault; no shortcoming of yours drove your spouse to seek pleasure elsewhere; and there Read more [...]

Does Your Porn-Addicted Partner Still Love You?

Kay Jones — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 06:02:47 +0000

Pornography use does not necessarily mean that your partner no longer loves you, or that he or she no longer finds you attractive. Remember Tiger Woods' wife, the gorgeous blond supermodel? Remember Sandra Bullock, one of America's most adored actresses? They were both very beautiful, vibrant, successful women, and their husbands still cheated, repeatedly. Clearly, this infidelity had nothing to do with either woman's attractiveness; your spouse's infidelity has nothing to do with your Read more [...]

5 Steps to Help Your Spouse with Porn Addiction

Kay Jones — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:28:19 +0000

If you've just discovered your spouse's porn habit, you are probably angry and hurt. If, despite that, you are wondering how to help your spouse overcome the habit and move forward, here are some steps you can take. STEP 1: START WITH REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS. There are a few things you can do in this situation and a lot of things you can't do, because most of what needs to be done is up to your partner. You can: Point out to your spouse that his or her pornography use is unhealthy Read more [...]