I am in a bad shape of my life. There are few who are facing more problems than me. But what i am facing now is the bad of my life.
I was in a very decent job. I wanted to puruse further in my studies. I took a medical leave from work for 3months to prepare for a very difficult entrance exam. I was not aware that i am in an addiction. And with internet is a necessity for the preparation, my addiction interfered in my preparation and now it is almost one year i am still in leave and yet not had prepared fully for the exam.
I admit whole heartedly that this addiction is one of the prime factors i wasted a whole lot of valuble time in my life.
I tried various methods to stop spending time in this addiction rather than focus studying. But could not. As i am in medical leave i stopped socializing, stopped talking to friends.
Very recently i googled and find out this forum , i would say god showed it to me. I was asking god why you did not show it to me earlier. But i am happy that i found at least now. Only reading the Free recovery course i came to know i am in an addiction. So far i thought am having a bad habit, i should come out of it. But not even a single clue that 'there is a porn addiction even exists'.
I use to worry now, if i had known this habit would lead to addiciton, i would have been sensible with this habit. I am a responsible drinker and a non smoker. I know this things had to be in one's control, so had them under my control. But this habit is out of my way. Well i should accept my fault, anyway i know it is just wrong to do this. But my mind did not listen.
Now the worst part is i am in a state of losing my job. Well which employer will bear a year long of absence. And my family is under tremendous pressure because of my joblessness, and in turn pressuring me. I am here recovering from my addiction with just two weeks.
The entire world is caving in. No job, not fully prepared yet for my exam despite one year, ( i cannot give up, had spending this much time, i should clear ), pressure from my family, even after i clear my exam how would i get a job back. Looks things are very had. Anxiety, stress, depression...
Last night almost went to the edge, when i got the information about my job. I was breathing heavily, one part of my mind told me PM is the solution, go for it. I even consoled myself after all you heard the bad news about your job why you want to hold in. But my girlfriend is the only support. She understands me well. She knows about my addiction and my recovery. She is not with me, we are in different cities. It was late night i was hestiating to call her. Finally i called her that made me feel better. She gave moral support. Thank god if it was not for my girlfriend i would have relapsed.
Today my preparation is largely fragmented. Still am in tension, anxiety not as it was at last night. Not that i could not control. But could not concentrate on my studies. Heavily getting distracted.
The things i lost in my life because of porn, i will never forget. My past is more than enough to be one good reason i have to be in sober.
Porn has affected eveyone in one or the other way. There are other people who have lost so much more than me. But the people who had not lost that much yet in their life, take these as a learning, it will deteoriate you completely. It is a slow sweet poison. You will just know the sweetness initially.
I will try to cope up with my emotions somehow, i don't know how, let me see how it goes.
Sorry for the very long post, it's just bursting out of my heart. Wanted to cry loudly, could not even do that being at home. Feeling better after posting here.
Despite all, 18 days of FREE from P&M.
Last day PMO - 08/05