Feed the Right Wolf

Frank - welcome and it's good you're making this decision now.

I'm no expert nor am I so far along to reaching my own goals of definitively putting all the bad habits I've picked up in recent years behind me, but a few thoughts;

- You recognize you have a real problem on your hands. You can't pretty it up, you need to look it in the face. If you don't do so now, you may be compelled to do so in a way that would be much more painful down the line.

That is a 100% right. I have tried to tell myself that I am not an addict, but unfortunately that is not the case. I don't want to reach 100% rock bottom...which could so easily happen. While I am from a country where prostitution is legal...I currently reside in a country where prostitution is illegal. It does not take an expert to realise that I am dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight!

- You probably need outside help. I tried many times to address the issue myself, but until you can look at another person and tell him/her what you are unhappy about in this situation you will still, I would guess, fail. Speaking to another person about this is, in my view, more than half the battle to start. It just gives a name to what you do and makes you realize how what you do is actually seen from the outside. As you tell others, you begin to see yourself in a way that you have not allowed yourself to see.

I probably do. However, where I am currently at the moment means that it is currently unfeasible. Also, I don't have the money to pay people for those soughts of services. Lets just say it is nearly 1/6 cheaper to go to a massage parlour! I am going to try it is this way, but if I fail I think that I will have to speak to someone. Though, I am using this forum to communicate that I have got a problem...hopefully that someone helps me own up to my past mistakes.

- My feeling, and having read around a bit but not with any real credentials to say a lot, is that fundamentally the issue is one of finding out what these proclivities are doing for you, and to address them. The issue to your wife, if she finds out, will be one of cheating on her, but the issue to you is, why do I do this? Ask yourself, If I wasn't married would I be happy with the way I am? If so, the issue shouldn't be avoiding feeling guilty for what you do, but rather trying to be the man you wish you were/aim to be.

Why do I do it? That is a million dollar question. That one I have a few half fleshed out thoughts that would unfortunately not make much sense if I posted them yet.

- I don't know if masturbation is a no-no, but I agree that all of these sexual habits come to be interrelated. You can do exercises like counting 1-10, but at the end of the day, I would guess you're still indulging and not coming to terms with the bad habits, even if you dress up what you do or slightly change how you do it. I understand why you're asking and wish the answer was, Sure go ahead as long as without porn, etc. I think you will probably benefit most from abstaining from any sexual release for a period that you determine with your therapist. It could just be a move to show yourself that you can control your sexual desires, it could be good for other reasons (read about the neurochemical side, and you'll see how this is not simply a psychological compulsion but also a physiological one).

Thanks for the comments. I will let you know how it goes. I have heard some of the comments regarding masturbation and I think some of the theories sound very plausible. However, I am willing to try this out just the once to see how I go. If I fail, I think that I will just turf masturbation all together.

Good luck, I've found it helpful to post here and to read the postings of others.

Thanks. Once I get a bit more wisdom to impart! I would love to play the part that you and other posters have! Invaluable!

And finally, I don't know anything about your relationship with your wife, but having just been discovered by mine, I have two things to say a) I thought I could manage (hide) my habits; I was wrong, they are all out and in the open now and I have to live my life with this being known to my wife (of one year), and b) the hurt I have caused is something I can't really live with, it makes me so ashamed. Think of what would happen to your wife if she finds out even 1/10th of what you've been up to. Think of the hurt it will cause her, and how you will have to bear responsibility for causing that pain to the person you love the most. I wish I had been really forced to face that simple fact before; it would have certainly helped me... although I probably was not going to get a handle on my problems until I had a real slap in the face anyway. Slap yourself in the face and save yourself the pain and ignominy of it happening later, for it will happen if you don't get this stuff under control.

You are 100% on the money! The pain would be unbearable for her I reckon. That is why either way I go - she cannot know. The way I want it to go is that I am prostitute free and porn free. I don't want to go through that not ever!

Again, good luck!

Though I did have one question: what do people think about masturbation without pornography while you are in recovery?

so if you feel like you're not doing anything wrong and it honestly resonates that what you are doing is healthy (rather than justification to stay in addiction), I say you are your best gauge.