Feed the Right Wolf

i have always avoided making a journal because of many different excuses, but I'm throwing them all out the window as I am using my usual impulsive behavior for porn to write this instead. As I am writing this I am feeling a strong urge to watch porn, but unlike earlier today I won't give in and for the next 24 hours NO porn and I have all of you fellow readers as my witnesses ( I hope to renew this pledge everyday! ), so with many people hoping, I will not let you guys down!! But as I have seen so many times, One Day At A Time!

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Hi beingclean,

Glad that you came back here posting. It is been a week you did not post here. You should post here every day whatever happens. Share things with us. It helps mutually.

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Last day PMO - 08/05

Thanks for the reply cojerc! The reason why I haven't posted for awhile is because not even 18 hours after posting I was back on porn. I had even downloaded several hours ( maybe even over a days worth ) of porn. I felt so bad after and was very embarrassed to post again. But it is the 10th day now that I've been clean and it feels good. Though these past few nights my dreams have been annoyingly pornographic (I thought that I broke and started watching porn again!), luckily the impulses don't transfer into waking hours! Sorry to all for not posting earlier and for going on my word.

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Hi beingclean,

Do keep coming back.

It is the dedication and progress that is important. Not being a perfectionist.

Make a recovery plan of what you should avoid, how you should avoid, how to deal with triggers, how to change your environment and yourself to follow the recovery. After deciding these strict to them with dedication. You will learn a lot by yourself how to deal with as you progress. Good Luck friend.

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Last day PMO - 08/05

Hi BeingClean,

I'm glad you're back! I hope you never feel ashamed, you are truly never judged here. Getting back up after every fall is what's going to keep you moving forward.

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Well these past few days have been interesting. I have really tired recently but it is not a terrible thing since my brain has been to foggy to concentrate on porn or things leading to that. I learned that I have to watch out for international news because it shows more than I thought though it didn't trigger anything (again because I was tired), also I almost slipped when I was a possibly pornographic picture that even today I don't know what it was a picture of. Right now though it is day 14 without porn (or anything else).

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It is Day 15, I'm halfway to one month without porn (which I haven't done in several months). Not much new to report other than my temper is alot shorter than a week ago though I haven't exploded on anybody, I just feel the anger inside me. But other than that no triggers, bad thoughts, or any other such thing.

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Hi Beingclean,

Good job making it half a month. Anger and other intense feelings are pretty common in early recovery, as we start to get in touch with the emotions we've been shoving down in addiction. I had a really hard time with anger, but it did get better after a little time. Keep moving forward, you're doing great

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Thanks for the comment Absolution! Still Day 15, just wanted to say I almost slipped clicking through stories online, but I went to a photo gallery looking at a normal set of pictures and before I knew it turned into a gallery of art and one picture which I wasn't completely sure of what it was, (though it set alarm bells ringing in my head) I clicked to zoom in anyway but before I got a good look at it I realized it was something I didn't need to look at and closed the window. It was quite a close call. I need to be more vigilant and keep my curiosity in check (that has always been a major cause of me slipping).

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Hi beingclean,

Congrats for your half a month milestone, I know the journey is not easy.

I agree with being vigilant that too when we are in internet. I too faced similar situations very recently. Our brain is not yet ready for an accidental exposure. Once in an accidental exposure the bad wolf takes control, the bad wolf is still there, it is waiting for the right opportunity. Stay strong, Good luck friend.

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Last day PMO - 08/05