Feed the Right Wolf

Hi everyone, (I locked myself by mistake -surrender-and I didn't know how to get unlocked! so I start again)

I slipped Friday night after 8 months of not watching porn. Saturday, I ate out with my wife and I fantasized on all the bodies I saw.I'm sick, no doubt about it!

My trigger: I had almost completed 10 months of work. Intense stress was gone. Suddenly, this strong desire came from nowhere. I fought it, I prayed, I talked about it except to wife (as I do usually).

Today, I broke my 5 months sobriety. I didn't tell my wife yet. She has no idea what I am going through.

This morning, I went to church (which I hadn't done for over a month-always finding excuses). I could talk a lot with my friends and get out of my head.

Apart from the slip and breaking my sobriety, I spent Saturday and Sunday keeping my mindbusy by searching anything that has to do with recovery. That's how I ended here.

fortrich

_________________
GreenTree

First thing you should do is to tell your wife. She has a right to know. While I appreciate that you're willing to admit it to us, she's the one who's most important to you. Before you can start again, you must let her know and clear the air.

I agree. But I don't want to break her heart right now. She is so good to everyone. Also, I need more courage, humility, sincerity and "I am really sorry" words. I probably don't realize that I am the one who has to forgive himself the most. I can't get away with this superficially. I stopped watching porn and acting out (not encounters) two years ago, because by the grace of God, I came across a SA group where I attend meetings now once a week. From that point on, I was sober for 15 months. Since then, every month has been arduous.

So, Highsea, after what happened this week-end, I don't trust myself anymore. And I am on vacation for two months, when basically nobody will be at home. Both my wife and daughter are working. I know honestly that somewhere in a dark corner of my soul, I want to watch again what I saw because somehow I liked it.

Something is becoming wrong in my heart.

I chose as topic "I am never alone" because I know that God is present at all times. I haveto do a serious spiritual clean up of my soul this summer. I went through many hardships in the last 15 years, the most difficult being my two daughters. I think I never dealt with the pain I faced and still face. I am very fortunate to have a wife that shows sincere unconditional love everyday. She is the proof that God's love exists.

I will make it this summer, not by myself, because I am never alone.

_________________
GreenTree

Trust me on this one. Telling her sooner than later is the best option. Because you don't want to break her heart is not a valid excuse. Trust me.

I'm a woman who was hurt by a man who didn't tell me because he "didn't want to hurt me" and thought he could take care of it by himself.

I implore you, I beg of you, TELL HER!!!!!!!!

I cannot emphasize the dire importance of being honest with the one you say you love!!!!
Love is truthful, sir. Please. Do the right thing no matter what.

_________________
You can't live in fear.

Redeeming Grace,
I will tell her the truth today. I will eat out with her and tell her everything.
I slept 2-3 hours last night and force myself to break my ONE day sobriety. Why? I don't know. I had built up a good spiritual foundation yesterday. For whatever reason, I put all that aside to make efforts to fall away from God. I'm going to work in two hours. I will feel of course, dead, guilty and angry at myself not to have told my wife on the spot as soon as the first signs of lusting started. And it will be hard to open myself to my group tonight. But I will do it.

I am grateful I can express myself here on this particular forum and receive clear and strong support.

Thank you all. The sun will shine again soon. I hope I will have learned a lesson from this episode.

_________________
GreenTree

Day 0

Daily Checklist

Sleep: 3 hours
Breakfast: bread with homemade strawberry jam
Activities: none

Spent time with: my wife. Afternoon talk (told her about my sobriety broken) at a restaurant. Afterwards, bought treshold for "Morning Glory Flowers.)
Lunch: not so great eggs rolls with not so great rice at school cafeteria
No. of hours at work: 6
Evening: went to my SA meeting. Told them about my breaking sobriety after a period of 5 1/2 months

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day: Happiness to share time talking honestly with my wife; happiness to shop with her. Joy to be with my students for the last day of school before the final exams. Extremely happy about the last day of school.

Strong Negative Beliefs that Were Affecting Your Day: Students who were laughing extensively on purpose when watching aa movie;

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill today: I talked more than usual with the librarian, more than usual with some students. I attended my SA meeting and talked with some members after about breaking my sobriety.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today: The tone of my voice put my wife to sleep this afternoon! I need to work on that. SA meetings are the right thing for me to protect myself from my sexual addiction.

Things You are Thankful for Today: My wife, my friends at SA, the green trees, the beautiful plants and flowers I saw at the store when shopping with my wife.


Anything Else You Would Like to Add: I drove my daughter to her summer job on my way to my school. I could talk with her. I broke my sobriety because I didn't do my First Step well enough, according to one member. I have start all over again and redo it because I broke my sobriety

_________________
GreenTree

You did the right thing by telling her and I am SO proud of you and pleased!! Way to go man! Get up and keep fighting!

_________________
You can't live in fear.

HI there,

you are highly motivated - go on very good.

My thoughts to your posts:
Though you may feel like this, I don't believe that you can be seperate from God, otherwise you wouldn't live anymore.
He loves you in any situation or state you are in - Don't feel guilty, except for your wife.

You will make it one day, I'm pretty sure.

Firion

_________________

Brother, I know you have had your challenges this past few weeks but things do get better.
You told your wife, that's a very positive step, you converse with your daughter, being a dad.
Stay strong brother, we are all behind you here, your not alone.
Have a great week ahead, dust yourself off, get up and start again. We have all been there.
Blessings,
CM