Feed the Right Wolf

Hey everyone,

For those of you who don't know me, I was a member here some months ago...the journal is back in the forum somewhere. At any rate, I had many, many relapses, and I simply got tired of posting about them. I've been gone for so long that I've decided to start a new topic.

Brief history for those who don't know me: I started when I was very young. Became more of an addiction in my teen years. I'm now 25. When I started at this forum, and after leaving as well, I was doing it probably about once every couple days.

In the past couple months, I've followed short of a double-cycle. I have about 7 days clean, then I go into a frenzy, where I do it 2-4 times a day for usually about 3-5 days. Then I get another 7 days, followed by another frenzy. I've had wrist pain for about the past year. Whether it's from M or from playing computer games 40-60 hours per week for a few months while I was unemployed, I'm not sure. I quit computer games about 13 months ago, but that hasn't seemed to help. These past couple months, when I've managed to reach 3-5 days sober, my wrists feel better, and by the time I reach 7 days, the pain is almost completely gone. Then of course I go into a frenzy, and it returns. So, I kinda think that maybe M is the cause, or at least, is the ongoing factor at this point.

Here's to renewing my effort to break free of this addiction.

_________________
Last time I self-harmed: 6/3/13
Last time I masturbated: 6/17/13
Last time I watched porn: 6/17/13

I am defining porn not just as "real" porn, but anything that I'm watching for the sole purpose of lust and arousal.

Hi tobefree,

Welcome back here,

Since you have been here already, you probably know what needs to be done. Just do them with utmost dedication. It is already affecting you physically (wrist), and it will affect you psychologically , in the due course it will ruin our life. Good Luck friend. Come back here, we all here to support each other. You can make it.

_________________
Last day PMO - 08/05

I'm going try to post here at least once a day, whether or not anyone bothers to read all of them. I hope that doing so will help to remind me of my goal and keep me on the right track.

So, the past few months, I seem to have developed some other binging habits during my "frenzy" period. Two habits primarily. Number one: I tend to eat a lot of chocolate, as in...10 handfuls of m&m's at a time a couple times a day. Number two: Staying up really late (usually anywhere from 1 - 3 am). I've been feeling a little sick recently, not surprising I guess. I just feel really down and fatigued.

This lastest "frenzy" of mine has probably been my worst one in the past couple months. Since I've started going 7 days between M, my "frenzy" periods have been getting progressively worse. Today, just before posting here (the previous post to this time), I watched the most explicit porn I've ever watched. I've been watching sexual material, not necessarily porn, for a few hours a day during this latest frenzy. I've never really gotten into porn, but today I crossed the boundary and went from pictures to a full 32 minute porn video. I know this is a bad line to cross, so I had better stop now before I cross the line a second time.

I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. I was watching a number of tv shows to keep me from being bored. I'm also unemployed because my wrist problem was getting quite severe and I took some time off to let it heal. At its worst, it felt like I was scraping my fingertips over broken glass whenever I would pick anything up. Anyway, these tv shows, books, etc, that I was using to occupy my time, the past couple weeks I've just lost interest in them, and I end up just sitting around doing nothing. I've been staying up really late, skipping meals (HIGHLY unusual for me), binging on chocolate, and just altogether feeling like crap. After posting here earlier, I couldn't get myself interested in any tv shows, and I ended up watching 3 hours of girls burping on youtube. Not exactly great content, but...at least it wasn't porn or swimsuit models. Sometimes I wonder how on earth I ended up here. I used to be the "goodie-two-shoes" that nobody ever thought would get in trouble. Yea...if only that was true.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this post had a point, but at least I'm not watching porn at the moment, so I guess it's all good.

_________________
Last time I self-harmed: 6/3/13
Last time I masturbated: 6/17/13
Last time I watched porn: 6/17/13

I am defining porn not just as "real" porn, but anything that I'm watching for the sole purpose of lust and arousal.

I hear this a lot about SAA meetings, the concept of "that's at least one hour where you aren't acting out". And it's true, every minute you are sober is a minute earned and gained.

I'm glad you came back; keep moving forward, Tobefree.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Well, I still can't get to sleep. I can't seem to get the motivation to go to bed. I ended up listening to a lot of sad music and feeling extremely depressed about the state of my life right now. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Like, if myself from several years ago met my current self, he would be horrified by me. I feel like I've lost my mind to some other force. I feel like a zombie who is just part of this mindless consciousness of evil. It's like, the person that used to be was erased when this force took over, and now they're lost somewhere suffering in the unknown.

This is basically why I came back to the forum. I just feel exceptionally down about myself right now. I hate who I am. Somewhere crushed under this mindlessness must be my former self, if only I could free it.

_________________
Last time I self-harmed: 6/3/13
Last time I masturbated: 6/17/13
Last time I watched porn: 6/17/13

I am defining porn not just as "real" porn, but anything that I'm watching for the sole purpose of lust and arousal.

Well, I ended up going to bed around 3 am again. This morning again I feel like crap. I'm so tired right now I'm not sure I could even get aroused if I wanted to. Anyway, I'm gonna put today's date in my signature and hope that I don't have to remove it by the end of the day.

_________________
Last time I self-harmed: 6/3/13
Last time I masturbated: 6/17/13
Last time I watched porn: 6/17/13

I am defining porn not just as "real" porn, but anything that I'm watching for the sole purpose of lust and arousal.

After having some lunch, I'm feeling a little better. Still, I ended up dropping a couple things for no apparent reason. My grip just unconsciously went away. Totally an accident. Oh wow, it looks like I spilled stuff all over my jeans too. When did that happen? I can't remember. I must be really out of it.

I watched the "your brain on porn" series on youtube. Anyway, I'm just posting here again because, well, I've had a really bad several days and posting here continuously will help remind me of my goal.

_________________
Last time I self-harmed: 6/3/13
Last time I masturbated: 6/17/13
Last time I watched porn: 6/17/13

I am defining porn not just as "real" porn, but anything that I'm watching for the sole purpose of lust and arousal.

The rest of my day went pretty good. This is the first day in several days that I haven't totally screwed things up, so now I'm sitting here finishing an open bottle of wine that's been in the fridge for a while. Anyway, just felt like posting something positive today since the rest of my posts today and yesterday have been pretty negative.

_________________
Last time I self-harmed: 6/3/13
Last time I masturbated: 6/17/13
Last time I watched porn: 6/17/13

I am defining porn not just as "real" porn, but anything that I'm watching for the sole purpose of lust and arousal.

I would highly recommend getting into healthy sleeping cycle first. This post might help. http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2009/09 ... ll-asleep/

Regards,
Alex

_________________
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

Well, I appreciate the advice, but the bottle was long gone by the time I read it (the next morning). I didn't get into any trouble though, although I do realize it can mess up your sleep. I read the article you linked as well and will try to keep these things in mind for the future.

Yesterday was my first clean day in several days, and hopefully this marks the beginning of the next stage of my recovery.

_________________
Last time I self-harmed: 6/3/13
Last time I masturbated: 6/17/13
Last time I watched porn: 6/17/13

I am defining porn not just as "real" porn, but anything that I'm watching for the sole purpose of lust and arousal.