I'm going try to post here at least once a day, whether or not anyone bothers to read all of them. I hope that doing so will help to remind me of my goal and keep me on the right track.
So, the past few months, I seem to have developed some other binging habits during my "frenzy" period. Two habits primarily. Number one: I tend to eat a lot of chocolate, as in...10 handfuls of m&m's at a time a couple times a day. Number two: Staying up really late (usually anywhere from 1 - 3 am). I've been feeling a little sick recently, not surprising I guess. I just feel really down and fatigued.
This lastest "frenzy" of mine has probably been my worst one in the past couple months. Since I've started going 7 days between M, my "frenzy" periods have been getting progressively worse. Today, just before posting here (the previous post to this time), I watched the most explicit porn I've ever watched. I've been watching sexual material, not necessarily porn, for a few hours a day during this latest frenzy. I've never really gotten into porn, but today I crossed the boundary and went from pictures to a full 32 minute porn video. I know this is a bad line to cross, so I had better stop now before I cross the line a second time.
I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. I was watching a number of tv shows to keep me from being bored. I'm also unemployed because my wrist problem was getting quite severe and I took some time off to let it heal. At its worst, it felt like I was scraping my fingertips over broken glass whenever I would pick anything up. Anyway, these tv shows, books, etc, that I was using to occupy my time, the past couple weeks I've just lost interest in them, and I end up just sitting around doing nothing. I've been staying up really late, skipping meals (HIGHLY unusual for me), binging on chocolate, and just altogether feeling like crap. After posting here earlier, I couldn't get myself interested in any tv shows, and I ended up watching 3 hours of girls burping on youtube. Not exactly great content, but...at least it wasn't porn or swimsuit models. Sometimes I wonder how on earth I ended up here. I used to be the "goodie-two-shoes" that nobody ever thought would get in trouble. Yea...if only that was true.
Anyway, I'm not sure if this post had a point, but at least I'm not watching porn at the moment, so I guess it's all good.
Last time I self-harmed: 6/3/13
Last time I masturbated: 6/17/13
Last time I watched porn: 6/17/13
I am defining porn not just as "real" porn, but anything that I'm watching for the sole purpose of lust and arousal.