Feed the Right Wolf

Here's to a second day of sobriety. I thought that I would be driven crazy by not being able to access any content, but truth be told, I've accepted the fact that I can't have it, and I haven't thought about it much at all the past 2 days. I never really wanted to watch it, because I know it's wrong and it's hurting my view of women, but I just felt like I had to or my brain would go into meltdown. Now I just feel...free. I don't have to battle it anymore. I can just relax and go about my life. True, I could go out to my car right now and get my keys without my parents noticing and unlock the filter, but, meh, I'm too lazy to bother.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Haha, I accidentally found a bug in K9. If you use the nightguard feature to block internet access, but you are currently downloading/streaming anything, it will continue to download/stream until it is finished unless it is paused or runs out of buffer and has to queue.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

3 1/2 hours of sleep last night, 5 hours the night before...what the heck is wrong with me?

No, I haven't removed the filter. But I can go almost 2 weeks, and then one slip, and now I just can't stop doing it again. Yesterday, the day before, the day before that... I also was doing some...interesting things...that led to unintentionlly hurting myself in 6 different places, some of which are were extremely painful yesterday, but are feeling much better today. It should all be healed up before I go back to work in a week and a half.

I don't know who I am anymore. I know I've said that before, but...I haven't known who I am for a long time. I just feel pointless. All I do is go through life chasing another high. The past couple days I've been so lost, I've just gone around the house cursing everything out at wee hours of morning. Hating myself. Hating life. Hating everything. I just want to tear everything apart. Rip everything to shreds. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself...oh man my hands are getting tired. I guess I should should stop now. Yes, I typed it all out manually. Oh, just one more time.

I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!

(As a side note, yes, I know, I'm psychotic. Thanks for noticing. I'm a real messed up piece of shit.)

...You know, I'm probably going to end up in the same situation as last summer. I can't stop screwing myself, so my wrists will never heal, and I'll just suffer while I use them at work all year, and then as use them all through college, and it'll just be years of pain and suffering, torment and agony, because I can't stop screwing myself over. And I deserve it. I deserve pain and suffering, because I am a terrible person. I suck, like the cat vomit on your bed when you want to go to sleep, I suck. I am a waste of life, and a waste of air. Sometimes I wish I had never been born. It would've been easier that way. "Death is easy. It's living that's hard." (yes, I'm quoting Twilight...who cares, I watched it to see what the fuss was about and I have a good memory).

I want to go to sleep, but I don't feel enough peace inside to do so until I'm practically passed out from exhaustion. And I know that when I wake up, all that awaits is more pain and suffering.

I'm probably the most messed up member of this forum. I admit it. I'm not helping anyone by being here on this forum. You probably all hate me anyway. And why shouldn't you? All I do is bitch and moan about how I hate life. I'm sorry for hurting everyone.

Goodbye.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

tobefree,
your thinking is wrong on so many levels but I do hear your cry.
you are not worthless my friend, you are as valued as any of us.
you see yourself in a bad place, but I see you in a fantastic place.
you now have a 'follower' on your Recovery Journal. Me!

i am interested in you because I can see the glimmer of hope that you don't seem to be able to see.
our addiction, you and me, is a lonely road but i will follow you posts.
let it rip, say you hate yourself a million times, yes cat vomit! all that.
but you know I just don't buy it!

you are a significant person, you have abilities and strengths that you have not
tapped into yet. you have a contribution to make to the lies of others and,
coming from your desperate and lonely state all of us here have a lot to learn from you
as you progress towards recovery.

tobefree, you need to know that i uttered the same chant as you. that I was worthless.
I said it over and over and over. not worthless...i said "f*cking worthless"!

This stinking addiction brings us all to that conclusion. Porn is really worth that isn't it?

Here's my challenge to you....
I want you to smarten up! In your next post describe for me your life, as you would imagine
it, if you were ~completely~ free from addiction.
What would yo be doing?
What quality relationships would you have?
What would be the fun things in your life?
What challenges and responsibilities would you take on?
What does ~completely free~ feel like?
Describe what that new peace in side feels like?

Here's the title of it "tobefree'! and see if you can do the next post with out a negative word.
Even if you have lots of them, just stick to the topic.

Remember tobefree, you have a lot on your winning side, but you have to man up and get going!
Kindest regards
CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

ToBeFree, you are not alone. I too share in this awful addiction. It's way to easy to slip back into old habits that just continue to make things look bleak. Your a better person for recognizing this addiction and taking steps to correct it. Your strength and resolve will return. remember how good it feels to be free of this.

I struggle with that first slip. It's a slippery slope and sometimes you don't realize your spiraling into it until you come out the other side. Once you do, remember your not an awful person, you are not a waste of air. Your a struggling addict coping with kicking this habit. You will win and put this behind you. It's just going to take time and resolve.

Please come back and keep us posted with your thoughts and experiences. I am your friend and anxiously awaiting your next post!

Cole

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

This is the first time I've checked here in several days. CSC and Cole, thank you very much for your support.

So where am I now? Well, as my signature says, I've been sober (from both visual stimulus, including porn and non-porn stuff like youtube, and masturbation) since 5/7. I haven't removed the filter, so that's good. I do feel more free with the filter in place. It isn't the constant battle that it was before. And the masturbation frenzy of the last post is over, so hopefully that will continue to progress well without any further visual stimulation.

I am also going to be starting my summer job on monday, so I'm very excited about that. That will take away a lot of the boredom that so often gets me into trouble, and I'll be around girls in person, which should make fake stuff less desirable, as I've experienced before.

What would my life be like if I was completely free of addiction?

I would feel like an immense burden had been lifted off my shoulders because I didn't have to carry around so much shame for what I had done. I would feel free because I wouldn't have to hide all the time because of what I was up to at the moment. I would feel more innocent, and be able to look at girls and admire their face and their hair and not have to struggle to keep my eyes where they belong. I wouldn't have to sneak glances when they turned their back and worry about them catching me when they turn around. I would feel more relaxed around girls. I could just enjoy a girl for a girl, and not for a sex fantasy in my mind. I could have a real attraction to a girl that isn't so superficial. I will be able to focus on college and do work on my computer without the distraction of youtube videos, and probably get better grades. I would spend more time outside hiking instead of coming home after work to get my fix.

I would spend more time in devotions and prayer, and be closer to God, knowing that there isn't this shameful sin blocking our communication. I would be able to grow spiritually, in a way that I haven't been able to do in many years. I would have peace inside, knowing that I was finally moving in a direction that God was happy with.

I would feel like I was finally a man, having taken responsibility for my life and turned it around into something good.

I would accept myself as a good person and be happy with myself.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Oh my gosh. Man that is beautiful. You do have a beautiful picture of your freedom.
Thank you for writing that. Will you do me a favour?
When you wake up tomorrow morning, just for that day,
spend the whole day pretending you are at day 100! Do everything toucan thing of to
Imagine it, congratulate yourself for a successful 100 days, write it down on paper,
Spend the day at peace, completely live your day with the happiness you have just written about.
Do all your drills. ERP and prayer. Thank God for your fantastic progress.
He'll understand what your doing. Just don't let your guard down.
Tomorrow is going to be the most fantastic day of your life.
And there is one more thing I need you todo tomorrow. In order to pull this off you need to
Go out of your way to do something really special for some one else.
I don't know. Wash your neighbors car. Clean up the front oh that elderly lady down the road.
Go and deliver that long overdue apology. Just make it a good one! Ok?
Then tomorrow night write about your day in you journal.
Have a ball. Wow. 100 days. Your becoming a real man! Congratulations!
CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Well, today has been both good and dangerous. I took my math placement test for college, which went well, but in order to allow some active content to run, I had to disable K9. While the filter is on and the keys are safely out in the car, I really don't think about viewing content much, but as soon as I finished the test, with those keys right there...my mind was so ready to go there. Luckily I quickly took control of the situation and was like "We are getting these keys out of here...right now!"

Now, a short while later, still thinking about how tantalizingly close I came to those images, I decided it was time to install an online game I used to play. I've set time limits for myself so it doesn't get out of hand again. It will be a good stress reliever after work, and help to occupy some of what little free time I'll have left. Unfortunately, K9 seems to have an issue with the program. So...with my parents still out of the house, I got the keys again, and even after unblocking Peer-to-Peer and adding the website to the allow list, the installer still couldn't contact the server. So, now I'm sitting here on the computer, unfiltered. Yea...very, very dangerous, but...I want that game. I just have to figure out how to get K9 to allow it access. Until then...

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Well, I'm not sure what the issue was to be honest. I don't know if it was K9 or a firewall or what. Because I ran K9 in admin mode which allows all access, and it still didn't work. I tried disabling my firewall and it still didn't work. So then I uninstalled K9 completely...and then it worked. I reinstalled it, and it still seems to be working fine without even running K9 in admin mode. So I'm not sure if K9 was the problem or not. At any rate, the important thing is that K9 is back on, and the password and keys are safely tucked away, and somehow I managed not to get into trouble while it was down.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Just a note about how I've been sleeping...on monday (5/7) I started going to bed at 10 pm every night in preparation for going back to work this monday (5/14). I am finding it very difficult to fall asleep so early (30-45 minutes), and I find I am waking frequently in the night. Below I've listed how much sleep I've gotten each night.

Monday: 10 hours, 10 minutes
Tuesday: 10 hours, 10 minutes
Wednesday: 8 hours, 50 minutes
Thursday: 9 hours, 50 minutes
Friday: 7 hours

Clearly, I was chronically sleep deprived, evidenced by about 9-10 hours of sleep on 4 consecutive nights. I wonder if today is an anomaly, or if I'm caught up. It'll be interesting to see how long I sleep tonight.

As a side note, I'm currently downloading the game. Somehow I get a good connection to netflix and hardly ever have to buffer. But my download speeds on anything else suck.

Download size: 10.0 GB
Download speed: 40 kb/sec
Estimated time remaining: 72 hours, 49 minutes, and 4 seconds

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13