3 1/2 hours of sleep last night, 5 hours the night before...what the heck is wrong with me?
No, I haven't removed the filter. But I can go almost 2 weeks, and then one slip, and now I just can't stop doing it again. Yesterday, the day before, the day before that... I also was doing some...interesting things...that led to unintentionlly hurting myself in 6 different places, some of which are were extremely painful yesterday, but are feeling much better today. It should all be healed up before I go back to work in a week and a half.
I don't know who I am anymore. I know I've said that before, but...I haven't known who I am for a long time. I just feel pointless. All I do is go through life chasing another high. The past couple days I've been so lost, I've just gone around the house cursing everything out at wee hours of morning. Hating myself. Hating life. Hating everything. I just want to tear everything apart. Rip everything to shreds. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself...oh man my hands are getting tired. I guess I should should stop now. Yes, I typed it all out manually. Oh, just one more time.
I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!
(As a side note, yes, I know, I'm psychotic. Thanks for noticing. I'm a real messed up piece of shit.)
...You know, I'm probably going to end up in the same situation as last summer. I can't stop screwing myself, so my wrists will never heal, and I'll just suffer while I use them at work all year, and then as use them all through college, and it'll just be years of pain and suffering, torment and agony, because I can't stop screwing myself over. And I deserve it. I deserve pain and suffering, because I am a terrible person. I suck, like the cat vomit on your bed when you want to go to sleep, I suck. I am a waste of life, and a waste of air. Sometimes I wish I had never been born. It would've been easier that way. "Death is easy. It's living that's hard." (yes, I'm quoting Twilight...who cares, I watched it to see what the fuss was about and I have a good memory).
I want to go to sleep, but I don't feel enough peace inside to do so until I'm practically passed out from exhaustion. And I know that when I wake up, all that awaits is more pain and suffering.
I'm probably the most messed up member of this forum. I admit it. I'm not helping anyone by being here on this forum. You probably all hate me anyway. And why shouldn't you? All I do is bitch and moan about how I hate life. I'm sorry for hurting everyone.
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.
Modesty is sexy.
Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13