Feed the Right Wolf

Alright, so what now? Well, when we relapse, we need to learn from it and figure out why. Well, I used erotic stimulation again.

Problem: I have never told myself that this is wrong, and I have never told myself explicitly that I am going to stop doing it.

Truth: It always leads to masturbation and relapse. It's part of the same craving for a high and it needs to be satisfied in a healthier way.

Resolution: I am committed to stopping erotic stimulation, the same as it is with masturbation and sexy videos. It is an activity that signals oncoming relapse.

Also, I told my dad that I filter my internet now, but that some of the catalogs that come in the mail that are laying around are tempting to me, so I asked him to stop leaving them out in the open where I can see them and be tempted. I also committed to starting my day off with breakfast, and then driving (or walking) to the beach (it's only 1.5 miles) to have devotions first thing on my day off to get my day started off right. My dad is going to keep me accountable for this. I don't know that will keep me out of trouble all day, but...maybe it will help. Of course, I could just masturbate in my room, get up and have breakfast, and then go to the beach, and my dad wouldn't know the difference. But hopefully I wouldn't want to masturbate right before I know I'm planning on having devotions. My dad has also agreed to keep me accountable on my days off by asking me at the end of the day if I've gotten into trouble.

Harmful thoughts: I feel like giving up because there's no hope of ever quitting this addiction.

Truth: I have only just started this 9-month recovery program, and there is so much more to learn about how to beat this that I need to have hope that I can change. I can beat this, but it may very well be the hardest thing I do in my life. It is possible, tobefree. It is possible to get better. Believe it and have some hope.

Oh, also, yesterday when I relapsed, I did leave the filter on. It'd be quite easy to go out to the car and get the keys to access the safe with my password in it, but 1) I'm too lazy to leave my room when I'm in the middle of relapse, and 2) my dad knows that I keep the keys in my car, so if I go out and back in real quick and up to my bedroom...so yesterday's relapse was only erotic stimulation and masturbation, but no videos or pictures. I did however binge. I masturbated 3 times...at least, maybe 4, I can't remember.

Oh, one more thing. That question I asked yesterday, about why I would want such adrenaline producing activities. In the recovery video today, he said your body craves adrenaline when it is overstressed. Adrenaline relieves stress in the central nervous system. So perhaps what is happening, is I'm saving up all the stress of the work week, and then on my day off, I either release it with an all day hike, or with all that other junk. Perhaps I should start doing some sort of meditation each day immediately following work. Perhaps that would make me less likely to crave something on my day off. He's said before that a big part of this recovery program is about getting your body in balance, because when your body is in balance, the cravings are much less.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Yesterday was fun. I had a friend over for the afternoon.

Today I woke up and started to masturbate, but stopped myself, although I had a terrible craving to masturbate for about 2 hours before it finally went away. This is the first time I have ridden out a craving in a very long time. It feels good.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

The rest of today was good. Almost nothing in the way of cravings despite not having anything really planned for the day. I accomplished a few things I've been meaning to accomplish for quite a while, and I also got into some old tv shows that I haven't watched for a while. I tend to feel anything emotional very deeply, whether it's real or fake, and as such certain tv shows can really give me an emotional ride, and it feels good to really feel something sometimes like that, whether it's excitement, or anticipation, or sharing in the sadness, or joy, or love, or whatever. It's a lot better to experience that than to experience the high of an addiction. I need to get back into watching some of these shows on my days off instead of sitting around browsing the internet and other useless activities.

I can't help but feel that I'm an escapist. I find myself always wishing that my life was more exciting, that it was more like a sci-fi or fantasy tv show, or a video game, that I was doing something that was really important, and that people really depended on me, and that I really mattered. I just feel like I'm not doing anything meaningful in my life sometimes, and I just feel like I don't really matter.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

I'm so glad you rode out your craving to masturbate! That's impressive. I love when I do that too, though it happens rarely... Gives a great feeling of accomplishment huh?

I agree with everything you said about emotional things. You know what happens to me, or rather, what happened to me before I started fighting porn seriously. Like when it was a real problem? The viewing of porn constantly made me numb inside. I guess my pleasure receptors were just overloaded or something like we've learned. Porn made me numb, I didn't really feel much of anything else, just lust. Lust replaced my ability to feel love. I didn't really feel sad much either, that's why I turned to porn to make me feel better. It wasn't just the temporary pleasure for however long i was doing it, but then afterwards I'd feel numb. Like nothing else mattered. That's NOT a good way to live. Now, ever since I got more serious about this, and seriously cut back a LOT, I'm getting my emotions more in check, I'm feeling things again, and oh man, I feel so much love for my girlfriend that I'm frustrated because I don't know how to express it!

Don't lose your feelings dude.

About being an escapist, I feel like that so many times... I mean, ok, I'm 17, what can I really do now. But even so there are child prodigies out there that make us average teenagers look bad... I mean people compliment my maturity and personality, saying it's rare to see these days, and I can see that - teens are jerks. But i mean. I'm not winning any awards or competitions with my personality, come on U_U.

But yeah, I always have, and still do daydream about life. Imagining what it would be like otherwise if it were like a show I like, or like a book, or some sci-fi adventure thing, or a video game. My life isn't really too exciting, I don't do much... I'm trying to work on not being so lazy.

But basically what i'm trying to say is I'm in that same boat dude, and I love reading your journal, I sympathize so much.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Hi tobefree,

I often find myself fantasizing about having a girlfriend or wife and that we have a wonderful relationship. But it doesn't really help make this a reality since I am not going out and meeting potentially great women but rather lying in bed day dreaming. Still, I think it is better to have healthy daydreams (about good things) than all of the negative fantasies I have involving sex and fake intimacy.




This is great that you bring this up because it shows that you have passion for life, but that you are not sure what exactly you are supposed to be doing. My advice is to try some new things and see what excites you. It might not be something physically invigorating like racing cars, or being an astronaut but it might be being successful at a reputable job: teaching children, helping older people, making customers' days, building and fixing things for people, serving your town or community, providing a quality service etc. are all important things that need to be done.

I personally believe God has important work for all of us, that we are on earth because we matter. People mistakenly think that only priests or ministers are serving God or that only doctors and scientist are doing "important" work. Anybody who treats others with respect, helps someone in need, and contributes to the well being of mankind is important, regardless of their occupation.

For example: there's this guy in my SAA meeting who did some awful things, was a total sex addict, who has no wife or children, no job, and who spent a lot of time in jail. He could have declared himself worthless and killed himself, or just spent the rest his life alone in his apartment. Instead, he comes to meetings every week and inspires everyone else to keep coming back and work the program. This guy is far from perfect, but he matters a lot to me. To be able to call him up any time when I feel triggered and get help is a wonderful gift from God.

So if this guy can make a positive difference, then the rest of us can.

...I was going to write a huge long post about how I hate life, and my job, and the people that I work with, and basically, everything. But instead, I'm going to ask a question: Where is God?

For those of you who might not know, I'm Christian. If any Christians read this...thoughts would be welcome. Basically, I want to know where God is in my life right now. People talk sometimes about how they can feel the warmth of God's love overwhelming them, and they hear God speaking to their soul. People talk about this peace and joy no matter what's going on around them. Where is that in my life? I have devotions and pray every day. I even pray for the people at work who abuse me. I refrain from cursing them out to keep a good testimony for God. You're supposed to cast all your cares upon Him. How do you do that? I've asked so many times for God to heal this anger and bitterness in my heart, but it still always seems to linger in there. I've asked for peace in the midst of this work environment, and I just don't feel it. I want to feel God in my life. I want to hear Him speak to me. I want to feel His love overwhelm me instead of the anger again. What do I have to do to feel this? What do I have to do to feel God walking beside me. I believe that He's always there, but I need Him here, now, personally and powerfully by my side. I need Him to tell me everything is ok. I need to feel His love and peace, because I'm just being eaten up by this bitterness. What do I have to do to feel this? What do I have to do to feel God walking by my side in a way that I can feel in my daily life. Please God, show Yourself to me in some way. Let me know that You see my pain and my struggles and that there is some purpose in all of this suffering. Heal this bitterness inside of me before there's nothing left. Please take this anger away from me, and help me to feel Your love instead. Please God, I need You. I feel so alone.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

I feel like you sometimes...

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

The way this girl at work was dressed today was giving me really intense triggers, not the innocent type, but the unhealthy type. The type that triggers a rush in your chest instead of butterflies in your stomach. I don't know what it was about her, but she just triggered me something terrible this morning and all I could think of was watching some sexy youtube videos when I got home to satisfy myself even more. Yes, I have a filter, but I do have the password, although it is inconveniently stored, I could get access to it. The password is in my safe, and the keys for my safe are out in my car in the trunk under the floormat, and that is where they are still right now. I seriously just wanted to be like "yo girl, do you realize what dressing like that does to guys?" but I'm sure that wouldn't go over well, lol. But seriously...I wonder sometimes if they realize what they're doing or not.

Anyway, feeling down and tired today. They just expect way too much out of us at work. I can never find time to get everything done. I don't think I've taken a lunch break in over a week. *sigh* I feel like crap.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Man, I am having terrible, terrible cravings to do something right now. I know without that filter, I would've looked at something on youtube long ago. Even with the filter there, I still feel like doing something, masturbation and fantasy, or something, but I feel terribly restless and just really, really, intensely desire that pleasure again. I had a pretty bad visual binge last saturday (and mb 3x), and I'm approaching that 7-day testosterone mark I guess. I am quite thankful that I do not have tomorrow off work. The cravings are so incredibly intense right now.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Dude! you're posting as you're having the craving, now you have to do something about it! ERP, like. nowww! Meditate, breathe, clear your mind! pray! Go for a walk! Somethinggg!

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20