Feed the Right Wolf

I have been lurking on Feed The Right Wolf for over 2 months now and have recently started posting in the past couple of weeks. I am a Recovering Porn Addict and I find this site and these forums to be extremely helpful! I also have been reading Journals lately and have decided that this is something I need to do. There are a lot of great steps that I am missing throughout my day and going through the checklist will help me to identify those things and add them to my daily routine!

So without further delay... here goes... My First Journal Entry (for yesterday)

Checklist:
8 Hours of Sleep
Did not have quality prayer time - did have a short prayer before lunch.
I ate pretty good yesterday, had all 3 meals all pretty healthy with a subway sandwich for dinner. I did eat some cookies at subway.
I drank plenty of water
I read some recovery literature and reviewed Step 1 for SAA
I did not run or workout but I get a lot of walking in to and from work.
I have read about ERP but have not gone through the exercise yet
I gave myself a much needed haircut!

Strong Emotion:
Stress at work, Frustration with some of my co-workers, disappointment that I was not able to run, fear of what other people at work may think of me, happiness to spend time with my wife, restlessness while watching a movie with my wife that I really didn't want to see.

Negative Believes:

Belief - My co-workers don't appreciate me or the job I do.
The Truth - I am valuable and I hold a critical position at my company. Without IT support many things would fall apart.

Getting Out of Isolation / Social Skills:
I have been sleeping longer and waking up later so I don't have much time to myself when I get up in the morning. I interacted with a lot of people at work due to a project that I was working on. When I got home I spent time with my wife talking, watching TV and Movies. I went to bed before midnight to avoid any late night temptations, ie needless surfing of the web and channel surfing. Also I only use my laptop in public areas (The Living Room, The Kitchen, etc.) and not closed off areas, the bedroom, the restroom (funny but true).

Positive things I learned:
I learned that Journaling can be a very helpful recovery tool, so I started my own! I learned about a web and content filter for my Android phone which I installed yesterday. I already forgot the password, which I got a bit frustrated about, but its actually a good thing!

I am Thankful For:
I am thankful for a supportive family - my wife and my in laws and I am thankful for another day of no PMO.

Anything Else You Would Like to Add:
I cannot let my guard down! Every day is a struggle in some way. I have to be aware of the triggers around me every day. I know that what is okay for most other people is not okay for me. I cannot watch sexually suggestive programming, I have to cut off websites that have borderline sexual content, I must continue to be honest with myself when something is a problem! I don't stare at or "admire" other women especially when they are dressed sexy etc. I am not dumb, I know when something affects me when my heart rate increases. Yesterday some thoughts popped in the back of my mind, they tried to distract me but I was able to drown those thoughts with music, focusing on things around me, and thinking about my loved ones!

I have spent so much time reading recovery literature/recovery websites, working my SAA Program, and working on my marriage that my inner addicts voice is starting to get drowned out. Basically the better I do at avoiding triggers and temptations the less thoughts and urges I have to deal with each day. So far that has been the case. I know that the addiction is still in me so I will continue to fight the fight!

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As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17

Looks and sounds great!!! I have been looking for your journal to read actually because your posts on others threads are very insightful and helpful to me and it is your honestly in it:)

I am looking foward to reading your progress, struggles and how you deal with them, and to cheer you on in your achievements.

69 days so far is fantastic and I hope even though you do not want to become complacent (and you recognize that already as a bad thing which is awesome) that you are proud of yourself too!!

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

very inspiring ... i loved how organized you are.
thank you.
keep doing the right thing

_________________
They reached the moon , while i was watching porn !
-
I need to be serious to do something about it , I don't want to repeat the same nightmare over and over again until i am 60 or 70 !!

Thanks! I can't take too much credit for the organization, I used Alex' Journal suggestion format.

_________________


As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17

Hey there! I was gonna give my usual greeting of 'welcome' and 'very good decision to come the forum', but it seems you are in better shape than I am! Keep up the good work and don't get complacent (because complacency sucks!)

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I think its easier for me to write my journal the next morning so here goes!

checklist:
Ate well - had egg white sandwich for breakfast
Drank plenty of water
Read some recovery material (articles on this site)
Went for a 4 mile run after work.
Wrote in my Journal

strong emotion
Felt frustration and some sadness about my brother's situation, was happy about my nephews birthday, felt irritated and used by a friend and a family friend, felt love and sexual arousal toward my wife

negative beliefs
Belief - I struggle with thoughts that people are judging me, in work and in my personal life
Truth - most people have too much going on at work to be concerned about me, unless its work related and directly affects them! People in my personal life care about me and won't judge me. The people that truly matter will love me for me!

getting out of isolation/social skills
I interacted with a few people at work but I'm at a disadvantage due to my office being secured and locked (servers[b][/b] etc). I usually interact during lunch but today I sat alone so I could take a call from my dad. Sometimes I will purposefully avoid people which is something I need to be more aware about and stop doing. I spent more time with my wife watching SNL and Greys Anatomy before helping her pick out clothes for an event.

positive things learned
Other members of this forum have been able to maintain longterm sobriety
From Porn and MO. Its encouraging to me to see that its possible! That is what I want for myself!
I also learned that my wife still attracted to me after all these years and what I've put her through.

I am thankful for
My health, my family, my wifes love and support, another day of sobriety, the upcoming weekend, my ability to run and be active

anything else?
Yesterday was a
challenging day in some ways but overall a good day and successful. My wifes best friend and mother of my god daughter called me to ask me about getting her a discounted hotel rate... shortly after my dad called to ask me for the same thing for a family friend. I started to feel a bit used. I talked to my wife and she encouraged me to be more assertive, to send them the family/friends site and have them help themselves. I'm concerned because if they misbehave I can get in trouble. At work i had a problem w/ our new business center but tech support was very responsive! Our old BC SUPPORT would have me waiting all day, causing me stress! I am happy to have 1 less stress trigger!.
I was glad to be able to run after work. I was very happy with my pace for 4 + miles and I felt the best I've felt in the past 2 weeks! My wife was in a very good mood and that made me happy she took a pic of me and posted on FB and Twitter to show her "Handsome Husband".
I had a little temptation yesterday when I went on twitter to respond to my wifes tweet. I hadn't been on there in a while and some people I was following and some profile pics were an issue. I went to remove/unfollow some folks and I accidentally clicked a post instead and caught a glimpse of a woman in what looked like a bikini dress. I promptly deleted the posts and removed the users, and closed twitter. I am strongly considering closing my Twitter account all together. I have no clue why I even followed this "fitness models" to begin with and even legitimate people don't usually post things that are helpful. Thankfully I didn't have the urge to look at anything else and I removed myself from the situation!
My wife also modeled some clothes for me that night to pick out what she was wearing for an event/photoshoot. We had some intimate time together including kissing, no sex yet but we have talked about having a romantic weekend.
I really need to start applying more prayer and meditation. ERP also, but I'm a little nervous about it for some reason. I thing I have to do some more reading about Alex's program and go through the first steps before I'm ready to Try ERP

_________________


As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17

I also wanted to share the situation with my brother. I've been concerned about him because he has made some bad decisions lately. He is my half brother and never lived with me and my sisters growing up. He also felt rejected by my dad and that has caused him some problems, including getting involved with the wrong crowd, smoking weed, getting into fights, etc. I think he may be bi polar and have add as well, but I am no doctor.

In the past I felt a lot of personal guilt, but since last year, I reconnected with him and have resolved all of those issues and feelings. He have reconnected in a great way and I no longer blame myself for things I had no control over. My brother has been bouncing around though and its concerning. He wants to join the Navy, he left his job and living situation in Mammoth to go to San Diego and stay with friends until he was ready for Basic Training. He has since got kicked out and now is calling looking for a place. He called my sister. In the past they have opened their doors to him but he always changed his mind and never showed up. My dad has experienced some personal stress from all of this as well as my sister. I don't know what to do. I know my brother needs help but I don't want this cycle to continue. I think the Navy will be good for him, but I want him to finally commit to something!

I have talked to my brother about my addiction and I think in some ways it helps him to know that his big brother is not perfect and I go through my own struggles. But I also want to show him that these things can be overcome! -

_________________


As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17

I've been mostly offline during this weekend but still on track. Here's my Journal covering this weekend.

checklist:
Continued to eating well, staying hydrated and working out. Read some recovery materials. Working on my prayer and meditation. Need to implement an ERP and an Action Plan!

Strong emotion:
Felt some anger, frustration, fear, but also love, happiness, joy, and hope - all from a visit from a friend! Details to follow. Felt some temptation and then frustration from a situation at work. An older female co-worker wanted to give me information about a Japanese beer and wound up on a Japanese site that had risky anime ads. When it caught my eye I quickly turned away and immediately told the woman she had to get off that site, and to watch out what websites she goes to. I know she did not do it on purpose, but its still inappropriate! Not only did this cause a temptation for me, but I am the IT Manager and have to enforce internet regulations.

Getting out of isolation/social skills:
Had lunch with my boss on Friday, spent the weekend with my wife and a friend, saw a friend during a run on Saturday morning and ran with her a little bit, Went to dinner with my wife and friends, went out Sunday to cheer on my friends who were watching the LA Marathon, escaped to a hotel with my wife on Sunday.

Positive things learned:
Without the distraction of porn, I can be a good friend and be useful! I am able to better invest myself in whats going on with my family and friends, even the bad things, instead of escaping. Also that I am able to have sexual intimacy with my wife again without struggling with any fantasies before, during, and/or after. I was totally involved with my wife, and she with me.

I am thankful for:
My health, my family, my friends, my wifes love and support, another day of sobriety, my ability to run and be active. I am also thankful that it is Monday and I will attend my SAA meeting tonight.

Anything Else?
On Friday a friend of my wife and me came over and stayed with us over the weekend. The reason she came over is because she was being abused by her husband, he wants to take her 4 month old daughter, and he has openly expressed his sexual attraction for her 11 year old daughter (different father). I mean this is some craziness!! This situation got my emotions going, everything from Anger, Fear, Sadness, Hurt, Confusion, Anxiousness, YOU NAME IT! Also since I haven't seen our friend in such a long time, I haven't seen the 4 month old since she was born, and the last time I've seen the 11 year old she was much smaller, there were other emotions from that, including Happiness, Joy, Hope, Inspiration, etc.

On many occasions I would escape from these type of situations, with porn, to avoid dealing with the emotions. This time I allowed myself to get involved, as a friend, emotionally. I felt like I can be a much better friend and offer my full support! I am realizing how many opportunities to grow my friendships and relationships were stolen due to my porn addiction. I am very happy to be sober and clear minded during this situation!

Sunday was a big day as it was the first day that my wife and I were sexually intimate since I've started my recovery and a good period before that. As I already shared, I was completely absorbed with here and there were no outside sexual fantasies involved. Though the entire experience was great I was disappointed in myself for having PE during the actual intercourse. I had to reassure myself a few things to prevent myself from going to a bad place with my thoughts after that.

1. It has been a VERY long time, and these things happen.
2. My wife doesn't hate me for this, we had an overall good experience and we will have a better experience
3. My Addiction + PMO most likely caused this issue (read an article about it last week). It may take some time to fully recover from all of the defects I caused myself though my Porn Addiction.

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As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17

Hi Ed,

I would not worry about the PE, it just sometimes happens and that does not mean that the sex with your wife has to end. There are other things you can do if she wants to continue. Things just happen sometimes and I would not be hard on yourself for this.

Do not let this be an issue please because it will just because another major problem and will only hinder things. Roll with the punches and don't let it bother you.

Good job this weekend being such a great friend, I hope you were proud of yourself:)

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Hello edded262,

just wanted to say that i am happy for you man , stay clean , stay clear minded

your freind.

_________________
They reached the moon , while i was watching porn !
-
I need to be serious to do something about it , I don't want to repeat the same nightmare over and over again until i am 60 or 70 !!