I've been mostly offline during this weekend but still on track. Here's my Journal covering this weekend.
Continued to eating well, staying hydrated and working out. Read some recovery materials. Working on my prayer and meditation. Need to implement an ERP and an Action Plan!
Felt some anger, frustration, fear, but also love, happiness, joy, and hope - all from a visit from a friend! Details to follow. Felt some temptation and then frustration from a situation at work. An older female co-worker wanted to give me information about a Japanese beer and wound up on a Japanese site that had risky anime ads. When it caught my eye I quickly turned away and immediately told the woman she had to get off that site, and to watch out what websites she goes to. I know she did not do it on purpose, but its still inappropriate! Not only did this cause a temptation for me, but I am the IT Manager and have to enforce internet regulations.
Getting out of isolation/social skills:
Had lunch with my boss on Friday, spent the weekend with my wife and a friend, saw a friend during a run on Saturday morning and ran with her a little bit, Went to dinner with my wife and friends, went out Sunday to cheer on my friends who were watching the LA Marathon, escaped to a hotel with my wife on Sunday.
Positive things learned:
Without the distraction of porn, I can be a good friend and be useful! I am able to better invest myself in whats going on with my family and friends, even the bad things, instead of escaping. Also that I am able to have sexual intimacy with my wife again without struggling with any fantasies before, during, and/or after. I was totally involved with my wife, and she with me.
I am thankful for:
My health, my family, my friends, my wifes love and support, another day of sobriety, my ability to run and be active. I am also thankful that it is Monday and I will attend my SAA meeting tonight.
On Friday a friend of my wife and me came over and stayed with us over the weekend. The reason she came over is because she was being abused by her husband, he wants to take her 4 month old daughter, and he has openly expressed his sexual attraction for her 11 year old daughter (different father). I mean this is some craziness!! This situation got my emotions going, everything from Anger, Fear, Sadness, Hurt, Confusion, Anxiousness, YOU NAME IT! Also since I haven't seen our friend in such a long time, I haven't seen the 4 month old since she was born, and the last time I've seen the 11 year old she was much smaller, there were other emotions from that, including Happiness, Joy, Hope, Inspiration, etc.
On many occasions I would escape from these type of situations, with porn, to avoid dealing with the emotions. This time I allowed myself to get involved, as a friend, emotionally. I felt like I can be a much better friend and offer my full support! I am realizing how many opportunities to grow my friendships and relationships were stolen due to my porn addiction. I am very happy to be sober and clear minded during this situation!
Sunday was a big day as it was the first day that my wife and I were sexually intimate since I've started my recovery and a good period before that. As I already shared, I was completely absorbed with here and there were no outside sexual fantasies involved. Though the entire experience was great I was disappointed in myself for having PE during the actual intercourse. I had to reassure myself a few things to prevent myself from going to a bad place with my thoughts after that.
1. It has been a VERY long time, and these things happen.
2. My wife doesn't hate me for this, we had an overall good experience and we will have a better experience
3. My Addiction + PMO most likely caused this issue (read an article about it last week). It may take some time to fully recover from all of the defects I caused myself though my Porn Addiction.
_________________As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17