Feed the Right Wolf

I've been well the past four days .it wasn't perfect but at least i didn't act out.coming here journaling and read other people journals help me alot and staying focus is another thing that kept me strong
things that helped me stay clean:
1- journaling
2-working hard and help others
3-being honest with myself and make no excuses
4-spent time with my family
5-reading other people journal and read the recovery course

things that I did and most not repeat:
1-open a private browsing and say to myself a little will not hurt
2-plunge into a state of mind I know it will lead me to M/P
3- sleep late at night and wake up very late also
4- be angry with people instead of trying to understand them

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Goal :
one day sober at a time

last night was hard I could not sleep until the morning but i was successful in fighting any craving ar bad flashebacks
what to do list:
1-meditation
2- praying on time
3- STUDY I HAVE TO STUDY
what should be avoided:
1- staying up late at night
2-stay in my room alone
3- be frustrated about my progress in study

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Goal :
one day sober at a time

I did not write anything in my journal for over a month because I've been messed up and completely lost all the time. I fell back to the starting point when my addiction was the worst when I act out every day , in the good days I act out only once at night and in the worst days I act out several times a day to the point of exustion . Naturally I feel shame ,sad ,low self steem and the I feel like I am a pervert . I am scared all the times that my familly may found out about my addiction , some of them may understand but my mom and my brothers will never do .
I read a lot about the addiction(I am addicted to M and the P just aid that ) and I understand it BUT how to get myself free is what I do not understand .I tried numerous ways , I tried every single day but maybe not hard enough .Getting new habbits take long time and this addiction so strong . When I wake up thinking about last night acting out I fell terrible and try to resist this day but at the end of the day I fell back .i am completely lonely and as long as I am in the grip of this addiction my future seem doomed . I need someone who could understand me who do not look lower on me and could help me through this . I take grate disappointment in life and all of them was because of me so whenever I try to get free it feel like a promise of someone who let you down a lot before .
My friends I need help I want to be cured I want to be a normal person I want to be free once again .

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Goal :
one day sober at a time

Well first of all welcome back! You shouldn't worry about going off-line for a few weeks, the important thing is that you are back and ready to move forward. For me journaling is the most helpful thing that I can do for myself and I read here that it is the same for others. Even if you don't post everyday try to at least read some other people's post as I find it also helps alot. Keep fighting!

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Goal :
one day sober at a time

Today is day 2 this is the beggining of the day .It is going to be a stressful day my mom will have an operation and I can not go with her I have to stay at home .The real challenge today is to get rid of my anxiouty without leaning on M . today I was thinking that the best way to recover is to find something I really love and I am talented in doing it . Hope for a clean day .pray for me

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Goal :
one day sober at a time

Hi Gretel,

What are some things you've thought of that you enjoy doing?

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Hi Absolution , thanks for replying
some of the thing that I thought of is : cooking, drawing ,writing novels
but the process of learning is slow and take some times and because of the addiction I became unpatient to learn anything even the things that I used to enjoy .
But I am trying to learn new thing every day , I cooked delicious soup for my mom today and I am trying to make something good for the dinner.

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I resisted the cravings this afternoon and I will do my best to stay clean till the end of the day .

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Goal :
one day sober at a time

This is Day 1 Again I acted out last night but I am ready to try again and do my best . There was signs that teld me I will certainly act out but I thought I am aware of myself and could fight it and I was wrong I was suppose to shut down my PC and go to bed .
Things that I did today to feed the right wolf:
1- having dinner with family ,Talk to them and feel closer to them
2- Praying
3- Do some phisical work instead of sitting on the computer

Strong emotions during the day :
1- Shame,angar and guilt because of last night slip.
2-Strong desire to be alone and disconnect with everyone.
3-enthousiast to get over those terrible acting out and pick myself up again.

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Goal :
one day sober at a time

Hi Gretel,
I feel your pain and just wanted to walk a while with you
and tell you I am encouraged by your passion to solve this problem.
It's sure a tuff one! But we can get tuff too! I like your motto
"one sober day at a time" and I will read your posts with interest
as you make progress.
Press on! I believe this thing can be broken by us all.
Your friend, CSC

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Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012