Feed the Right Wolf

Congrats, dude, Congrats. You finally reached the big three oh! But of course this is only the first milestone of hopefully many. Keep up the good work and stay far away from complacency!

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Day 32.

Thank you for your support, pals.

Today, I couldn't help masturbation. What keeps me feeling kind of not so bad about it is that first of all, it was like the first time I actually did it, driven by the sensations of my body and not by mental images. I mean, I couldn't be aroused before by just the sensations, I needed it like 4 hours of porn to actually feel like m/o. This morning, I woke up really, really horny and I couldn't help touching myself and actually enjoy the sensation, without fantasizing, just feeling. I think it kinda felt healthy for me because the pressure of feeling so horny was really, really strong. By the time I woke up, I was actually not able to stop it.

What keeps me motivated despite this, is that I haven't relapsed to porn and I am good at avoiding images or situations that could trigger me, which is the main reason I am here, my addiction to pornography.

Masturbation is not something I wanna keep on doing, I want to stop it too. However, I repeat, it's good it was not driven by mental porn images and that I haven't used porn. Is not that I want to justify myself. So this keeps on being my day 32, my mind is still clean from porn imagery.

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Sobriety date: Apr 26th 2013.

Hi YoSoy,

I admire your honesty in posting this. Masturbation can be healthy when it doesn't include pornography or fantasy, and you are the only one who can decide when it's healthy or not. It might be helpful at this point to clearly define your sobriety using the Three Circles from SAA. Sex addiction is different than most addictions in that sobriety is not as black and white. Having this in writing can help remove some of the anxiety about understanding what is and isn't healthy, and can even give you ideas about healthy "outer circle" activities to do when you are struggling. I would suggest writing your circles with the help of another addict or someone who knows about your addiction.

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Wow, Absolution, thank you so very much for sharing that! Reading it gave me some kind of relief as I was feeling a little bit, how would I call that emotion? like falling short to what I had envisioned. (100 days without m/o) so I can facilitate my rebooting process.

Now reading that, things are clearer and I will definitely fill the circles with a friend so I can know clearly what my limits must be.

What makes it a little bit harder is that I am not in a relationship, and I don't want to find someone just for sexual relief. If I must know someone, he's got to be somoene that I care about and I have feelings for. But the sexual urge is still there, sometimes harder than others, and as I understand that my brain was used to the dopamine that porn would give me, I want to avoid sexual activities alone.

Today, I didn't have any urge and I surely hope at least other 30 days go by without m/o. I am not going to obsess over that.

What is really clear and I have made up my mind about is, I want to stay clean from pornography. I don't want that kind of life. I want to be free from that industry, from that cycle. And I am staying out of it for good.

Again, thank you so very much!! and I say goodbye to my day 33.

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Sobriety date: Apr 26th 2013.

Day 34.

One of the things I am happy about is that I have become more productive since I stopped using porn. I do not procrastinate any longer so I am working faster, with more quality and with more satisfaction.

Today was one of those busy days. And since my mind is really busy and focused, I didn't even have any urges today.

HOWEVER... I am noticing that my zen practice has lost some quality. I am less patient, and today I feel a bit dissapointed about me. There are three kids in the house and they were playing around really loudly. Usually I am patient with them but today I screamed at my niece for something really dull, feeling really bad about it the next second. My temper is a bit out of whack. Talking about withdrawal.

It's my intention to work on my emotions that feel like a roller coaster.

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Sobriety date: Apr 26th 2013.

Day 35

Today I almost gave in to m/o, but I was strong enough to change my focus to something else. The power of focus is really strong, but the line that divides saying no to saying yes is really thin.

What makes me happy for the moment is that the impulse to masturbate is purely phyisical, maybe is the time of the year, LOL. Because I really don´t feel like watching porn.

Sometimes I do have flashbacks of favorite scenes or imagery, but I block them right away! How? I run out! or pray or meditate or laugh or pick up the phone and call someone. But the need for porn is really not that strong as it is the urge to release sexual tension. Sometimes I feel like I will explode, literally.

And yes, I am happy today it was my day 35 without porn or even sexy imagery.

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Sobriety date: Apr 26th 2013.

Hey YoSoy,

Great job so far, you're really an inspiration. Keep it up!

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

In agree. I'm inspired.

-v

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Life in every breath and cup of tea. Every step I take is progress.

Every time I get up from a stumble is a success. Peace be with you.

Day 38

What I like about weekends is the "going out" thing. It really distracts me and I love it. I am loving how I am learning to socialize more and meet new people out of the pure pleasure of meeting people without judgement or any kind of expectations.

Today I was going out too but I called a friend on the phone and the conversation went longer than expected then I was just too lazy to go out.

It's in situations like this that I would have taken advantage to watch porn and now, what I look forward is to come here and read other's journals and write mine with no intention to browse porn pages even though I know I have no filters and everyone else is sleeping.

I really feel the freedom!!!

Absolution and victor33, thanks for your words. You are also quite an inspiration for me and believe it or not, reading your journals and knowing we are all trying to stay on the right track makes me wanna work harder.

38 days... loving it.

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Sobriety date: Apr 26th 2013.

Day 40.

Today was a very nice day because it was not like my usual routine, I did things different as usual in weekdays and spent time with two friends. One of them gave me a really nice gift: a hat that he brought from Europe and it fits just nice on me. Loved it.
In the afternoon while I was in the computer, I started to rub my penis with my clothes on... and then I realize that's something I used to do out of pure inertia and not precisely because I had an urge. This was the case but now I was aware enough to realize that and so I stopped it, did some ERP and then I forgot about it.

I am really glad it's been 40 days without pornography.

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Sobriety date: Apr 26th 2013.