Feed the Right Wolf

Hi AFS,

Congratulations on 30 days! Keep coming back and posting when you have tough times.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Congratulations Afs100 on your 30 days! I too reached 30 days this past Sunday. So we seem to be in similar places in many ways.

Keep up the good work!

Cole

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

Thanks for your congratulations.

I haven't posted for a couple of days - and interestingly these were days when I struggled most. As if I would only come to this place to post a good news story and leave out the bad bits.
I haven't acted out but yesterday was difficult at work. I couldn't focus and thought a lot about sex/porn/prostitutes.
I did my exercises and remained sober - but this is when I should have posted and not today, when things are easier again.
And really - it's lying to myself : If I am not acknowledging my struggles here, then I am in denial.


I will come back daily to be reestablish my routine.

_________________
Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

Hi Afs100,
Noticed you haven't been on site for a couple of days. (I also noted you resolved visit every day) and I was a bit concerned.
You and me, we sound like our stories are parallel. Our temptations are similar.
My mind get so full of thoughts about P&AMPs. It really becomes hard sometimes to see just how impacted my life had become.
Before my sobriety date. I'm now at day 18 of 30. Seems like its taking forever. Noticed you get to day 30 recently. A fine effort indeed.
I admire your tenacity. How to catch your next journal entry real soon.
All the best for the next 30 days Afs.

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Hi AFS,

I also hope things are ok with you and that we see you again soon.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Thanks guys,
it is good to see that I have been missed.
Firstly, I am still sober , although not coming here , slowly but surely makes me drift toards old habits.
It is like I am swimming against the flow, as soon as you stop swimming you are getting pushed backwards.
A lot of things are going on in my life - should I change my job and move to the west coast, vs keep on trying here.
I flew twice over to see a potential employer and still haven't made up my mind.
Some family tension - we have a young baby and my partner is going slowly mad at home alone all day. ( Her family is on the west coast , so instant babysitters over ther) . The baby was sick, so they could't go to mothers groups etc. So, I did the right thing and came home straigh away and looked after them.
Baby is better and my partner is out tonight on a girls night out, whilst I am sitting at home.
I was also working late a lot last week - and the temptation to see a prostitute on the way home was getting bigger and bigger.
So I banned myself from the net alltogether. I found myself surfing the on the phone a lot ( no porn ) but got annoyed with myself - " i don't want to spend my time looking at this stupid little screen"
so - I am angry - and the little voices enter my head and use any weakness " go , it's just like a massage "
I am not feeling as strong as I did , but sitting here tonight is a good return to focus.
Thanks again for your messages they mean a lot.

_________________
Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

Back in the city where we used to live for the weekend. When you drive from the airport into the city, you come through a suburb where I used to visit a prostitute quite regularly. In fact you can see the apartment building on the street from the airport . It's strange enough coming here - visitors in your former home town . But seeing this building reminds me of a past, which now appears quite distant. How could I do this so regularly ? The phone calls with a stranger, to make an appointment for sex. Feeling out of Place in the elevator to her apartment . " do the other people know what I am here for? Do they care?" . Handing over money , the conversation before the business . Sometimes even okay,but most often 2 people lying to each other. The sex - good or bad , always followed by guilt and shame. ( and for her the 10th client of the day?) . Nothing of that has any appeal now , I only feel strange and estranged to it . Since I decided to stop it all, porn was relatively easy for me to give away. I was never tempted to look at all the sites I so frequently looked at . But the seeing a prostitute often plays on my mind and just remembering the lies and awkwardness is quite sobering .

_________________
Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

My mind was trying to play tricks on me and my thoughts wandered. Luckily I just had my lunch break and I could escape my office- and went to the swimming pool. It's autumn here ( southern hemisphere ) and the pool was definitely not heated . At first I was hesitant about going in but I thought to myself " is this what you want to do today ? Giving up all the time and not fight?" so I jumped in , did my las and cleared my thoughts . Cold water has a good effect on me - I'm now back at work and ready for the rest of the day !

_________________
Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

2 months have now passed!
And the last two days were easy. Lots of sport , family time , work was not too stressful and I was getting things done. Why was this easier? I have no idea, sometimes the same surroundings can lead to struggle. Maybe its all due to variation in hormone levels? Or the fact that I'm sore from all the extra work outs I got done?

_________________
Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

AFS,

Congratulations on 2 months! I think it gets easier after some time has passed and you have had the chance to make recovery a habit. It still requires daily vigilance, but it does get easier.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore