Feed the Right Wolf

You are absolutely right: I normally would not look for temptation either.
And I have found that avoidance is important.
I consciously have avoided most situations where I could be tempted.
I was invited to an intern party this weekend and trust me – I would be the oldest guy in the room, which by itself is already a big warning sign. But I would also not like to be in the situation. So I politely declined and will stay at home doing taxes or something equally exciting (I am on call anyway, and likely to be called in. This doesn’t allow going out with a buddy, as I often have to drop everything and rush to work).

But an empty house is an empty house and the time and opportunity this provides plays on my mind. I have mentally divided my day into blocks of time and planned what I want to achieve in these periods. Staying disciplined is the key. Posting here was on my to do list for the morning and as usual – this already allows me to be focused. Now briefly to work and to the garden center on the way home. I will go to the gym tonight - evenings are best for my work outs.

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Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

Thanks for your support and interest Afs.
You sound like you are on the right track avoiding troublesome situations.
I can only agree with what you posted on my journal.
Thanks and Keep strong! CSC

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Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

So the week of solitude passed, I resisted all temptations . Unfortunately I also developed a man- flu and that put a damper on any physical function. I spend my last night alone on the couch, watching a movie and feeling sorry for myself.
Funny , so much hype built up by my mind - and now that nothing happened I feel so much better. I'm wondering if my flu is a sign of my body responding to all this stress - or if I just caught a bug....

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Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

Over 3 months now and I certainly had my ups and downs. I just had a bad flu and that really had a sobering effect on anything . Now that my head is clear and I'm back at work , I can only look back at the recent week alone at home with some distance. Why did I feel so threatened?
Right now, all is good and I can focus on work and a visit from my parents who I haven't seen for a very long while ( they live in Europe) . So my rhythm will change again and that will be good

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Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

Haven't been here for such a long while. A number of reasons - my family from Europe were here- for nearly 2 months we had 9 people at home. My partner almost had too much in the end- who wants to have the inlaws at home for such a long time. But it was constantly busy- I had no time for myself, let alone , spending time alone in front of the computer. This was followed by a business trip to Europe , on my own . I looked at ads for prostitutes in Vienna once but could get rid of that thought pretty quickly. I had a completely different structure to my day; mind you, it wasn't by choice, it was forced upon me. But that made me realize that so much of my previous behavior was habit and routine . So I was lucky in a way. The reason for me to come back here today is a Henry Rollins quote: " There is no such thing as an ex-junkie" - and that is true. I'm a sex and porn addict and have been to busy to act But I think that if I'd find myself in the wrong circumstances and too much time on my hand, I would slide back into it. I like my new, more productive life and hope you guys have a similar experience .

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Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

The one thing I forgot to mention- during my trip I spend quite a few nights in hotels ( on my own) - the one habit I have developed when checking in, is to immediately ask to block the adult content on the hotel tv. I don't even give an explanation, just casually ask them to switch it off( and also to lock the mini bar) and people have always been happy to oblige. I anticipated being jet lagged and lying awake at 3 am in a hotel room, having a drink and watching porn. But this way, I didn't even get tempted. ( As I have so many times before ) . Instead I did some work at 3 am and used my time

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Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

Seeing a prostitute

I had my phantasies , cause I have seen so many porn movies.
Women , aroused, throwing themselves at you in sexual ectasy. I will have sex with one , no two women, many many times.

The reality was quite different - You make a secret phone call ( most of the times they don't answer, because they are just with another guy just like you) .
You make up a lie to get to her place . Money get's transferred. Rarely are they as pretty as you think they are from the ads.
The degrading health inspection. The shower and the half open bottle of mouth wash ( how many guys have had a sip out of this )
The conversations. I am a good judge of people and quickly figure out what is behind the fassade. Often I felt sorry for the single mum, the older woman , the sad young one. The massage which is never arousing, the mechanical sex, followed by a feeling of guilt. What a waste of my hard earned cash.
The feeling of guilt , when you sneak out of her place like a thief. Hang on - that guy sitting there on the park bench, waiting - he will be the next client, cause she has already seen 7 guys before you and has another 3 booked. To her you are just a customer and everthing you see is fake.


I am so glad I am not doing that anymore. Sober ever since I joined this forum. I'd say I easily saved thousands of dollars . And no more lies or guilt.
yes I have been away from the forum and haven't posted - but this forum has been one of the great big changes in my life.

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Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

My God, man. You have a way with words. There's real, powerful wisdom and insight in what you said there. Thank you, for speaking the truth. I'm moved, inspired, and educated.

Thank you.

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One Day at a Time: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again

Quit Date: Night of 24/8/12

Achieved:
Bronze: 30 days[X] Achieved!
Silver: 3 mnths[X] Achieved!
Gold: 6 mnths [] 9 mnths [] 1 yr[]
Platinum: 2 yrs [] 5 yrs [] 10 yrs []

I wish I have never had the experiences to now share my miserable stories. Whenever you have insights into the sex/porn/strip club industry, the reality is often that of broken personalities , exploitation of women and a lot of sadness. I guess there are people who can see it as a job or who see no difference between going to a brothel and going to a hairdresser- they all provide a service. But I am not one of them , for me it is addictive and harmful.
Absolution posted some links about what's going on behind the scenes in the porn industry and reading that made me sick . And reducing even my own masturbation behavior down to the facts helped- I imagined myself , pants down in front of a computer, tissue in hand. " Is this how you want to live your life?" the answer always has to be a no!

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Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins

My partner went on a girls night out and I was babysitting last night. In the past I would have watched porn , once the boy would be asleep, since I had a few hours free time . Yesterday I thought about it briefly, analyzed the thought and the craving behind it - and watched the football instead.
A year ago , I would have sat there, staring at pixels of naked women and would have told myself that that's okay. The one thing I know now is, that the cravings will be with me forever. Which somewhat frightens me, I have to admit .

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Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
Henry Rollins