Feed the Right Wolf

Hey Cole
The book is very good. And I find it very practical as it has little practical exercises.
I will probably read it a couple of times...

Growing up as I did though, you tend to view sex/women as for yourself/selfish.
We were intimate often, but from me, it was not too passionate. I was a bit distant.
Now that this is all out and I can talk about this with her openly I can say that we are more passionate.
Really much more. But we have both types of sex, passionate and just sex for fun. (If you know what I mean)
She love's it if I think about having sex with her, it does not make her feel as an object.
She feels attractive and enjoys the thought that I get excited because of her.
The best thing though is that I can express love better now by being more passionate with my wife.
There is also no set schedule, but sometimes because we are busy we plan a "date" for ourselves.
Schedules are not the way to express love.
Also, if I am feeling in the mood to make love to my wife, I tell her and it makes her feel good and we enjoy the moment.

Something that I read in the book "Out of the Shadows" is that a core belief we have to change is that sex is everything.
It isn't! There is much more to life than being so absorbed in sex. If we constantly think about it, we will never get better.
Porn will be an escape for now, but it will just get worse and worse.

Cole, maybe we have screwed up things in our lives but we can change. Nothing is beyond fixing.
I have had enough negativity in my life, thanks to my upbringing and then turning to things like porn to 'feel' better.
I have to fix what I have done. I can because I am a good person. I am not worthless.
AND THE BEST THING IS YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TOO! YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS EITHER.
Peter

Hey Peter,

Thank you so much for responding. We seem to share a lot in common such as a negative upbringing. I had distorted ideas about sex and really didn't understand or feel it for many years since childhood. My wife and I have dates pretty regularly. However I get really frustrated with them. We'll both talk about having passionate sex all night. Then when we get home, I'll start with the foreplay and shortly there after she will pass out. It never fails. She always tells me to wake her up if she does fall asleep. But when I do she's either pissed I woke her or just not into it at all. Our sexual relationship is messed up because of how I was with her in the first 10+ years of our marriage. So even things like having make up sex after an argument doesn't exist with us. She is a verbal person where she feels connected when we talk. I am a physical person and need to feel that connection.....

I have experienced the porn having a detrimental affect on my sex life. Thus one of the reasons I'm trying to fix this. I just don't see it getting better between us in that department because of the baggage and habits that we have formed.

She does not know about my addiction. I understand how this makes it more difficult for both of us. However she is a very sensitive person and takes little things very personally. If / when I tell her she will have a mental breakdown and I am afraid she will never be the same again. I do not want to destroy her mentally. Telling her will do that. Thus this is my problem to fix and I am determined to fix myself.

You are correct in your description of being absorbed by sex. It seems that every other thought is about it. I can sometimes go a couple of hours without thinking about it. I will also obsess about it for days. I am grateful for your insight and support. I have purchase the book and will be reading it starting tomorrow when it comes. I need help identifying where the thoughts come from and stopping them before they become an obsession.

Frustrated, angry, disappointed and determined.

Cole

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Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
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Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

Hi Cole, I saw your post about intimacy and that certainly hit a note for me.
If you have a minute (lots of minutes I guess) I'll tell you my story because I have come full 180 turn in my opinion on this topic. If I had $100 for each time my wife and I argued about this I'd be a rich man. Cole, I realise I have written an epistle here (a long letter), but thank you for the opportunity for me to put into words, something that has remained unsaid. Your question has become part of my healing. So thank you for the opportunity to share this story with you and all the boys here. I hope this story might help a few more people realise a man's job is to create a "real queen" and treat her like royalty.

> 40 years ago - Pre-marriage
I though being married would be the answer to all my problems and I wouldn't need to masturbate and my interest in porn would vanish once I had a real relationship. WRONG.

35 - 15 years ago - Marriage Stress
Accused her of being frigid. Rejecting my advances much more frequently that accepting them. I'm very unhappy and turn to P&M. Indignant that 'she' ( who couldn't' give a stuff about my sexual needs ) was in fact controlling them. P&M became my "justified right". Deeper and stronger P&M will needed to solve the problem. WRONG.

15 - 5 years ago - Hidden Regret and heading for infidelity.
P&M Addiction now a dominant force. ED for me set in with the inability to come during normal sex. Mind is focussed on porn fantasy to perform in a real situation. I was so unsatisfied with real sex, I'd be acting out very soon after I was trying really hard to have a fulfilling sex life...even if I had to do it all myself. WRONG AGAIN.

5 years ago - The Idiot had a revelation.
I came to a point where my despondency at my lack of real sex. I resentment that my wife for not playing 'porn star' for me. It brought to the edge of infidelity. I figured "go get real sex elsewhere, probably paying for it. It was my justified right". WRONG AGAIN.

4.5 years ago - Agreed Sex - a solution.
Until that time I had never had sex with anyone, never an affair, never pre-marital. But I had come pretty close and I was getting closer and closer with each porn explosion making me desire the same thing in real life. This was playing on my mind and justification became a 'right to do it'. I had the damn good fortune to arrest my thoughts and stop right there. I wanted to change and my wife's lack of intimacy was a real problem. I just decided that I love her more than any sexual demand I might have and that being the case, I just accepted her as she was. No additional expectations, no more fighting, no more disappointments. We agreed to exchange all that for a guaranteed once-a-week time together. This was to be a special time and make up for the rest of the week. I got guaranteed sex and I was off her back. And I filled in the days between with lots of P&M. WRONG DECISION!

2 months ago - Open Heart Surgery
Sometimes being a man requires some heart pounding decisions. Mine was like cutting part of my heart open as I became aware of what I was really doing.
I had, for so many years projected "porn queen" expectations on to my wife. My attitude to her was just an extension of my porn addiction and because she did not want to co-operate, she was BAD. Hell the porn queens were there every day to meet my needs, they never said NO!. Blowjob? yes! no worries, 8 x a day sure lets go. Endless variety.) There was never any way my wife could compete with that. (Heck, the porn queens never got any older either!).

That's really when the light bulb went on in my head.

38 Days ago - Checking in to the FTRW Hospital downtown Straightsville
So segway to FeedTheRightWolf and for the first time I realised all this. ( Now I'm crying , my heart feels like it being ripped from me.)

What have I been doing? What have I been searching for? What more fruitless way could I have chosen than P&M, 37 different massage parlours, seeking, seeking, trying to fulfil a desire that was endlessly unfulfilled.

I was immensely unhappy and so shocked that I had treated my wife that way.
She has the right to be herself. I needed to recognise the 'other' ways she show me that she loves me (Cole this might be a key for you too?). As I have begun to disconnect the porn thing from our intimacy a new connection has emerged. One of acceptance and recognition. I no longer have a porn level requirement for her. I accept her just as she is. There never has been anything wrong with her. She has never been 'frigid'. She has never stopped loving me in 40 years. I was just too dumb to figure it out.

Restraining my sexual urges and eliminating my porn projections on her is as much a part of my addiction healing and refraining for acting out.

I see other guys saying they want a real relationship with a woman and that they would 'keep her up all night' presumably having sex. They are like me, just projecting their addiction on to their partners and it will never work. Our women just can't compete with the fantasy of the eternally young, hot & ready every day, porn queen, lined up on the browser or slideshow photo sequence. That's the core of our addiction. I could never be free of it until I straightened out my relationship with her.

Less than 2 hours ago - Disappointment but happy resolve.
She was sleepy this morning and I couldn't wake her by gently prodding. She slept late, I made breakfast because this was our 'special' day.
Returned to bed with breakfast, we chatted and munched. Finished the meal, slumped back on our pillows.
Something was wrong. 'It' wasn't happening. We had left it too late and we both had to go to work. Not enough time. I thought "she slept through it! Its her fault I'm missing out" and I remembered the times when this happened... lots of times before. I would secretly 'get back at her' and go act out in secret.

But this time was very very different. I just accepted her without reservation or resentment (I was disappointed, but I'll get over that. I see this a part of my answer to my addiction) I just now trust her that she loves me and I put my right to sex into her hands knowing that she will not let me down, but 'It' might come to me in a very different form. May be in a way that a porn queen has never experienced. True love and intimacy. My healing continues.

After all, its be a hell of a ride while my "right to sex" has been in my hands! RIGHT?

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Wow, thank you Peter, Cole, and CSC!
As a 19-year-old marriage is not something that has been very high on my radar, leaving porn to be my outlet of sexual satisfaction. Most of the time my view of marriage horribly, completely, and utterly disturbed by all of the pornographic stories I used to read, making me want a wife that would do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. This is a disgusting parody of a marriage. Even still, such thoughts would only make sexually happy, but lately I've been thinking of a proper and true marriage and it makes me really truly happy and I feel longing in my heart. It feels so much better than previous version. This one thing heard concerning marriage that has really stuck with me is that your wife should be your best friend. I find when watching tv that spouses that enjoy each others company far more enjoyable to watch than those that don't. I realized that I'm not abstaining from porn just for myself but also for my (God willing) future wife.
Thank you again for really bringing a true perspective on the highs and lows of marriage. Sorry for the long post!

_________________

Hey Cole
Let me tell you that I was in your shoes. Not wanting to tell my wife because of the hurt.
I can honestly tell you that it was very very very hard to tell her. But it was the best for me and us.
If she told me that she wanted to leave or something, I would have to deal with it.

But a very interesting point I read in a book about addictions (Doing a lot of reading lol).
The psychiatrist said that the way a person is outside of his addiction is his true self.
That means that the addiction brings about lies, concealment, anger, and so on.
But if the person is kind, considerate, and loving away from the addiction, then that is what they are really like.
I sense you are that type of person, in your posts, and I am sure that your wife would see that too.
But it is up to you in the end.

Porn teaches that women and objects. They must always be ready for men anytime and anyhow.
What a load of crap. Read some true life stories about these poor women and how they get treated.
It's a terrible business that perverts the good things in life.

I tell you there is nothing more beautiful than a couple enjoying each others company and growing old together.
Making love is supposed to cement the relationship not 'defile' it.

My wife and I sometimes get up a bit earlier to make time for it, or we first have some fun then go out for the night.
I do small things for her, like send a message to tell her I love her, or make her some coffee in bed with her favorite biscuit.
Flowers now and then, hold her hand, hold her tightly before falling asleep. I tell her she is beautiful, hot and sexy.
You know, love, kindness and to be considerate towards your mate will always be rewarded.
Then you also have true expressions of intimacy.

Porn however makes you think that it's ok to do whatever to your wife, she needs to listen and must enjoy being treated like a bitch.
What kind of absolute crap it that. Yeah, women like to be raped, sodomized and treated like an object for a man's sexual pleasure.
Do we look like animals?!? Even animals do not do some of the things that humans do.

I am sorry that I ever looked at porn, because its ugly. It took me awhile to get to this point, but no more.

My wife is a wonderful human being. She is not my slave, she is more than worthy to be treated like a, hmmmm queen.
I am not going to follow the course of other men that think sex is the answer to life, that sex is everything, that women are objects.
That cycle that came from my father and fathers father ends with me. I will not be like those men.

I always think about what people would say at my funeral. Would my wife say, "What a wonderful caring husband", or would she say, "Why did it take so long" lol. Do I want good friends around speaking well of me, or women spitting on my grave.

You can fix your relationship with your wife. Its not beyond repair.
Try some acts of kindness and focus less on the sex. You will see that she will 'want' to have some fun with you

Peter

CSC, Beingclean and Peter...thank you for sharing and providing some great insight. I don't have time to appropriately respond to you all, but wanted to let you know I will respond on Tuesday.

Have a great Memorial weekend all!

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

Hi CSC,

I am confused by this last sentence, can you clarify for me?

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Hi Absolution, "My right to sex" - I was trying to be in control of my sex life using P&M and being thoroughly and unhappily addicted. That was a hell of a ride for me! An attitude I now realise that was all wrong. I did not trust my wife, nor could I see her love for me because it was not expressed to me like a porn star would.
That was when I was in control.

Now, I am trusting my wife more and more and have a growing and deliberate patience with our sex life. I didn't trust her with it before no I do.

ie THEN Rejecting my advances, a days delay in having sex because 'she was tired or something' and I would explode in rage!
NOW I see her delays as her honest feelings and when she "rejects my advances", I just agree with her, show patience and kindness. Control my feelings.

Absolution, I really believe that showing her a patient and kind attitude with respect to no longer 'demanding' sex from her is just as important as refraining from looking at porn. Its the same issue for me, viewed from the other side. It's part of my healing. Complying with her wishes not the have sex today or tomorrow causes me to exercise further restraint, keep focused on being free and no linger solving that issue with justification for acting out.

1) My wife has a very low sex drive. I have never ever known her to get randy. Most encounters we have is because she is doing it for me. I resented that in her for so many years, no I feel honoured by it.

2) Absolution, I am indeed changing. She asked me today. "Have you been reading a book on being kind to people"? She knows something has changed in me and we are both better off for it.

Thanks for your interest, I how that clarifies my poorly worded comment.
CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Hi CSC,

I too have held that resentment and responded in like to the turn downs and (what I thought were) excuses for not giving me what I thought I deserved. By trying to curb my appitite for sex and honoring her requests, I find that sex is more pleasurable. However I still have those feelings for anger and rage that keep me up for hours. My goal is to become more consistent in honoring my wifes wishes and responding in kind. The anger, frustration and acting out has gotten me nothing but a lot less sleep!

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

Left early from work on Friday afternoon and was not tempted on Friday afternoon. I was very busy all weekend so the only struggle was not to look at women as objects. I was mostly successful in accomplishing this goal.

Back to the routine today. I was very excited to come read peoples posts and to post that I had made it through the weekend successfully. Right now I seem to be in a good place. I'm able to identify urges as they are coming on so that I don't act on them. I am looking forward to feeling this way all the time and have this addiction behind me.

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel