Feed the Right Wolf

Cole
I am hearing you buddy. I know exactly how you feel. I could have written the exact words myself.
It's a really horrible tough place to be in. I got a knock back on Thur night. We were home alone and got cuddly. Then bang! Not to night ! No spontaneity I felt what the heck, you are so strict with the
agreement of once per week. There is never a 'oh lets bring it forward' no always why there should be a delay.

I am absolutely resolved to :
Prevent myself from resenting her for it
To trust her. She loves me and I have to see that love expressed in different ways.
To ensure I have zero chance to act out by not justifying it

Cole the scenario you desceibe used to be a major major trigger for me
But I see it as taming the Right Wolf. My 'good' sexuality has to help me beat the old

Hang in there old boy and go pump some weights. I'd by my wife more flowers just to confirm in me that there was no resentment. All the best and you have an understanding friend in me.

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

CSC...thanks for being there buddy...today is a hard one to get through. Knowing that I'm not the only person experiencing this and struggling through almost exact same situation gives me incentive to make the right choices.

Went and killed myself at the gym. I am physically exhausted. No issues at the gym. There were less people than usual, sure sign of summer. Came home and tried to make lunch but just ended up being in the way. Stepped into the other room and tried to think normally...not angry, frustrated or resentful. Now my head is pounding. I don't know if it's the weather or the stress of this situation, but I've got a wicked headache....I went back about 20 minutes later to apologize and the incident didn't phase my wife. In fact she made my lunch and it was about ready. She's gone shopping now. So I am left to my own devices now. Doesn't happen often that I'm home alone. Of course as I write this I'm wondering....maybe I should just take care of some self maintenance. Good wolf time, going to sign off and go waste my time outside in this beautiful weather. Maybe that will take my mind off things.

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

How did you go buddy? I am interested in a follow up if you have the time.
Update from my place. We finally got together over the weekend.
Cole, I makes so much difference to me now that I have let go of resentment
and trusting her. I am really not missing out on anything. My be a day or two here and there.
But the state of my mind is really relaxed and not prone to playing mind games about acting out
as part of some revenge or anger. All it needs is a little patience and some practice.
Flowers, buy lots of flowers!
Best wishes CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Well...I'm still high and dry CSC. Illness came on and I've been SOL. This latest bump will probably mean I'm out for another 2 weeks. Probably won't happen this week (extreemly unlikely since it's not weekend) and next week is 'that' week. So I took matters into my own hands and did a little self maintenance to get me over the hump. No outside stimulation. So I'm considering this a win and not falling off the wagon. I do feel better today. Resentment, anger and frustation all went out the window yesterday. So I feel that I've got another 12+ days in me to hold off.

As you've said, this is the time that massive triggers are typically going off. Resentment, anger, frustration all boiling to the surface which in the past has pushed me right into that spiral with little feedback from the good wolf to pull me back. However, I'm not feeling that way so far today. That's not to say I'm not having thoughts, but they are not leading anywhere and I'm starving them off.

I have to be cautious with flowers. Once every couple of weeks covers it. If I get too many, then she starts to think I've done something wrong and am trying to make up for it with them. It's a fine line we walk with some of these things. Thus the regular massages are my saving grace. I feel that I'm connecting without causing concern while giving back as it's something she really enjoys. (99% of the time it's massage to sleep, then I can spend the next hour or 2 trying to get myself to sleep.)

Will update later with where I'm at, but feel that I am making progress this time. I want to conquer 44 days. I am at 39 days. If I can make it through the next 2 weeks, 60 days will be in reach.

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

Hey Cole, Massage is good. My wife never refuses. You are right about the flowers, but there's lots of other tricks in the bag. I find that a cup of tea or similar, just shows her that I am not angry with her and its all ok. The fact that I make it and give it to her reinforces in me that I am not angry and its all ok.
I tell you I make a lot of tea buddy CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

I missed yesterday's journaling. I was really low in the afternoon, but was too busy with work to be able to come and talk about it. I saw an old friend yesterday. It was great to see them and also sad. We have drifted away from each other with life's strange course. That was certainly a contributing factor to my feelings.

Woke up this morning feeling really good about myself and the small accomplishments I have been having. In the past 2 days, my wife has been a little unkind. Historically, I would be furious and take it back out on her. One thing had me ruminating for hours. Fortunately I wasn't home when this happen and was able to go to the gym to work it out. I've been employing some of the tools I have been reading about, the most helpful has been the refocusing. When going into these anger states, I try to refocus on something that's a good thought or memory. It takes a while for it to sink in because I've gotten accustom to enjoying the anger. But trying to put the anger behind me and accept things for what they are....not necessarily personal attacks. This seems to be working.

I've also noticed that as my focus has been turning away from porn, my anger and frustration seem to be rising..happening more frequently. Both pump a good amount of adrenaline into my system. So maybe it's the adrenaline rush that I'm addicted to and I get that rush from either porn or anger. I've been working on both, but anger seems to be taking the upper hand. I've purchased an Anger Management book. I am hoping that it will give me some additional tools to work with. I'll keep you all posted on how that progresses (my goal is to address them both in a positive way to come out with a positive result).

I'm also falling behind on reading others journals. That is another tool that helps me reinforce my new practices as I try to offer advice based on my experiences. Hope to get back to that today.

Have to go for now...

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

Hey Cole,

How ya doing buddy? I think what is happening to you is great. You said that by focussing away from porn you are increasingly becoming angry and frustrated. Recognise these as triggers. Formerly they would have been hidden and you just would have caved in to the urge. Now that the porn thing is being dealt with you will have to fight these 2 lesser bad wolves. You are going to easily win this fight because you have a victory over the bigger bad wolf already. Please remember it is only your brain trying to use whatever pathways are left to regain its old (P&M) equilibrium.
All you have to do is "do the opposite". Angry with wife - buy flowers, angry with work - take a walk, angry with the traffic - go sit in a park garden. Just remember its "you" getting angry and "you" simply don't have to. Practice it. I love this.

By not cooperating with the bad wolves you resist them. But by doing the (good) opposite you bloody well are fighting back! and soon new neurological pathways will emerge making it even easier.

Cole be tough and strong, the fight is not yet over! CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

CSC...thank you for your support!!!!! I was tied up with work and had a nice long weekend causing me to be away from posting. I've been doing well. Less frustration & anger. Getting away was really helpful. Had some thoughts while away, but was able to push them out and not act on them. Coming back I felt good. However, falling back into the old routine after a couple of days has been a challenge. Frustration and anger are back. Strong desires for stimulation are hitting me full force. I made it past 45 days which is a victory and 60 days is less than a week away. I'm really trying to think the opposite, but it's really hard at midnight when you've been awake, alone in my thoughts and unable to stop my mind from racing. I need to get back to my new routine of listening to guided meditations when trying to fall asleep.

Need to go...will try to post more later today.

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

4 days to 60 and counting. I woke up angry at the world today and a couple of things happen early this morning that really put me over my edge. Alarm bells started going off in my head that I was triggering the bad wolf. Neither porn or anger addiction is good and I'm battling both at the same time. I'm winning the battle on the porn side, but the anger seems to be growing again. (Anger only appeared on occasion when I was fully immersed in my porn addiction. That just translates into me being an adrenaline junkie. I hate labeling myself with these terms. However the truth is the truth and that's part of my recovery is to be truely honest with myself. I do have to say that reading and posting on others journals makes me think about my experiences, postive and negative. It also helps me realize that I'm not alone. If someone is reading from the begining of my journal, I may be repeating myself and apologies for that. These are just my current thoughts and feelings and it helps me to reiterate and gives me more clerity. I am truely disgusted with myself today. I can't beleive where I am and what I've done to get here. It's just plainly inexcusable.

I wonder if some of this is genetic, some learned and some self discovery. How is it that I can abstain from alcohol and not become a drunk, but have easily fallen into porn addiction? How is it that I can turn away from gambling, but can't turn away from this? It doesn't take much for me to become an obsessed about anything from eating healthy, but not turn away from porn. This can be so confusing and troubling.

I am on taking one day at a time. I know I can reach 60 days, but can I get to 90? Focus Cole, you can do this! Do it for you. Do it for yourself. Do it for the family and friends that know you are not this perverted person.

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

Well, its late on Friday afternoon and I am not struggling and haven't even though about it. This is progress! Monday is 60 days. I can and will accomplish this goal.

Have a great weekend all and stay strong!

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel