Feed the Right Wolf

Hi Guys, I'm new member here and I need your support and pray for me that I can really stop this addiction.

Let me tell you my background.

I'm addicted to watching porn since I was 14 probably, because of first time I saw in my dad's cupboard. First time I saw the movie porn cover. then there was time when my parents went out. I watched the movie..that's the first time i saw the porn movie. almost every week during that day I always watched the movie. I did that until I grown up. In high school when internet more worldwide. so when there's no people, I watched it in my room. Almost everyday I masturbation. I feel so comfortable with it. No body knows about this until now.
Right now I'm 21 years old. I'm a christian. In church I known with a good people. But actually I have 2 faces behind. I feel so shamed about this. Specially with my family, friends, and God.

You know what is more shamed because right now I'm in Christian Seminary. Taking Church music program. Train to be a Music pastor. what a shamed I still open porn here. actually I'm so afraid if I got caught. I will drop out.. right now sometimes I saw from youtube or my phone when I was alone in my room. I have roommate too..but every weekend he will go back and I will alone..that's the time the devil will come to my mind and do it.. Right now, I'm in the second semester. from first semester, there's only 1 month that I didn't do masturbate or seeing porn..I was so happy. but cannot stand. After I did it once. I will do it more and more and worse.
I dunno how to stop it.. I become an antisocial sometimes in some area. even I'm in christian seminary. I believe in God but I dunno why God let this happen to me after so many years. I will become a pastor someday, I don't want to be a pastor who addict with porn.
I really dunno what to do. I'm so so depressed actually and so shameful.

This second semester become worse and worse. I can do 4 times or 5 times a week. Usually just twice a week. The temptation is so hard. But, today I will try to be honest here and make a recovery journals. I hope it can really help! I need your support and your prayer to guys.

Please reply.. God bless you.

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3 March 2013

My first journal!
okay today actually I did the masturbation.
But I will honest here. My target is for 30 days. I hope I can make it the first week.

My biggest temptation is when I'm alone with the computer. I live in school dorm. I have 1 roommate. Every week he will go back to his house. So every weekend I will face this temptation!! Usually at midnight. I'm so easy to get tempted! Oh man..
Now, I want to commit that I will do the journal and manage my addiction.

Okay the reason why I did it today was bcause again nobody here, and I watch some trailer on youtube and suddenly something tempting. then you know I sometimes open porn from youtube. and sometimes google. I'm so afraid that school will know abt this and I will drop out!! bcause this is seminary school. Please help me GOD!!!
This semester actually become worse and worse. I didn't pray much everyday and my devotion is so bad. I didn't do it everyday.

I will pray tonight and beg for God mercy. Pray that I can really change with this journal and all exercise.

Actually I don't really understand abt ERP. can someone help me or give me some example with it? bcause my english is not so good. I'm from asian country.

Thank you!

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Hey there Roxa

First of all, give yourself a break mate! We're all in the same boat here, and I guarantee you that you won't be the only one in your church addicted to porn. You have to begin learning how to rewire your brain. I believed for years that God would just one day magically heal me and I would go on my merry way. But the truth is that we live in the real world. Even Jesus, the Son of God was tempted - we can't expect anything less can we.
God has given mankind the tools we need to release ourselves from such addictions (ERP being one of them). He will send His Holy Spirit to give you all the strength you need along the way, but He will not do it for you! Remember what Paul wrote "My grace is all you need, my power is strongest in you when you are weak". God's grace really is enough without Him miraculously healing you my friend

Have you gone through Alex's course yet? One thing that has helped me the most is journaling every day. It's a great way to see what lies you've believed during the day and then pouring out truth over them.
Also, do you have someone you can speak about this face to face? I had an older Christian friend who I could tell ANYTHING and he would never judge me. That has helped so much!

Keep going bro! Remember, God can use people with problems - The Bible is full of them! It is only the Devil who will say you're not worthy or good enough.

God bless

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Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
(Proverbs 16:3)

30 days bronze achieved!

60 days silver achieved!

100 days gold achieved!

Check out this link for help with ERP

viewtopic.php?f=8&t=1501&start=0

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Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
(Proverbs 16:3)

30 days bronze achieved!

60 days silver achieved!

100 days gold achieved!

4 March 2013

Today is the first time I used ERP.. I feel so good after I got trigger then I can stop it and breath with full of oxygen. Hope can do it daily! Thanks for all who let me know how to do the ERP.
Today I start the day with a morning prayer and know more about God with reading bible and devotion. Knowing that God always be with me all the time even I do sin.
My emotion today quiet well. I did exercise like skipping 300 times, push up, sit up.. I just try to do exercise from last week. Feels very good!!

So today check list :
Prayer morning
Prayer night (after this)
healthy eating, drink
Exercise
ERP
Journaling

So It's quiet good ya for the first time.. hope i can do better!

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Thank you so much Liveinhope for sharring this! It's really help!

Yea you know, after I read some book before and read abt this. I found out that I'm not alone and actually we are normal right to get tempt like this?

Yea,you are right, God will help us to fight this battle! I believe that He will heal me. Thanks for your encourage,man

I just found out that journaling and talk in here makes me better, so I know what other feels too and encourage each other. So Thank God can find this forum.

Thanks, man! God bless you!

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5 March 2013

Today I was doing good as usual.. My emotion quiet normal. I'm doing my devotion in the morning..

I did the ERP just now, but actually I don't understand with the ERP for the first step? do I need to see porn and feel temp or just imagine or something? so it's like we must temp our self everyday, is it??

during week days I can survive ya, but during weekend will be so so hard.

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Hi Roxas.

No, we are not supposed to tempt ourselves by watching porn.

The way I interpret it is that we are supposed to go through the feelings that precede it. For instance I can imagine sitting on public transportation, knowing that the house will be empty, feeling tired. Or perhaps I can imagine sitting down in front of the computer, opening the lid, turning it on and getting a box of tissues.

So yes, it is a bit like tempting yourself. But I personally try to avoid imagining the actual porn.

The behavioural psychologist Jack Michael talks about splitting what we call "triggers" into two sub-types. There's what behaviourists have tended to call discriminative stimuli, namely an event in the environment that signifies to your brain that a certain type of reinforcer(basically, a reward) is available(in this case, porn and masturbation). But there's also what is called "motivational operations"...namely the events that make a certain reinforcer desirable.

An empty house is for me a discriminative stimuli. It means I won't get caught. Being tired and feeling down is a motivational operation - it makes escape desirable.

The way I've interpreted it is that ERP is about imagining a situation where porn is available and desirable - but doing it in a situation where it is not actually desirable and\or available.

But that is just my interpretation of it. I'm not actually sure I'm doing ERP right, myself.

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6 March 2013

Today's journal. I feel today also quiet good! because during week days. So many things to do. So many assignment, group discussion, class also. A bit tiring but yea I didn't think abt porn or anything which is good. But I was just thinking, if I want to do ERP but I image the porn, it's just like tempt our self, right? I just remember from the bible says that, if we imagine a woman in our head, i mean not good one. it just the same as sin. So I still thinking is that the best way to do ERP? or triggering?

These few day I really lack of sleep.. maybe can sleep 6 or 7 hours. but the others doing fine like eating, exercise.

Well, see you all tmr!

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Hei extravaganzah,

I think you're right that we are not supposed to tempt ourselves. But I dunno what you said right now. bcause for me I cannot trigger my self if I imagine like you did. the important is we make our pulse become high, is it? then we just count, breath and count again, right?

Thanks btw for comment in this forum!

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