Feed the Right Wolf

I am writing this journal to help my-self express my struggle with this addiction and maybe help others that are in my situation. So how did I get here? Well I was clean from pornography for the last 18 months, with only minor slips four or five times. I fought this addiction for almost 10 years and didn't find victory till i turned to god. I let my relationship with god fade because things were going so well, seems foolish now. Then I went on this business trip far from my family and my support structure. I lied and told my-self I could look at some soft-core pictures since I was missing my wife and work was stressing me out. That is all it took, I unleashed a roaring lion that I foolishly thought I buried. I was right back to my old ways and couldn't stop. I felt devastated and this seemed only to fuel the fire. I didn't sleep for 3 night because when I closed my eyes all I could see was the the images I looked at. I couldn't even picture my wife face without being flooded with images in my head. I went back to praying, reading my bible and doing my breathing techniques. I found I could only go a day without turning back to internet porn. So here I am two weeks later. I had a good stretch of 5 days porn free, but I slipped again this morning. To be honest some part of me doesn't want to give up this addiction and I need to be honest about that. I think it comes from fear, the first 3 months of my initial sobriety was the hardest I have ever faced and in some way i don't want to go through that again.

This next part might sound like a rambling, but I want to write why I must fight this again.

So now what, I must face the truth that I fell and that there is no happiness in that pit of porn. Porn will ultimately tear me from my wife and family. Porn will keep me from enjoying the real life that god has planned for me. Remember that proud happy man of just a few weeks back who was free, free to love and walk tall. There still is no magic pill to kick this addiction and it is going to be a fight. This fight can be won because god guarantees ultimate victory. Learn from this that you always must be on the defense of this and that you can not justify even a small peak. There is too much to loose and it is all a lie of happiness that is not there. Note to self: be honest with your-self. What are you doing? Where are you going? Is this the path that really takes you where you want or need to go? Don't be scared, it will be ok. Weather you like it or not, truth is the truth, are you telling yourself otherwise? Your not alone and people love you.

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ has made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage." GALATIANS 5:1

Thats it for today. Day 0.

Hi n3wway,

18 months clean that was the score!!!
Well, we P/M addicts must always remember - we won't be able to recover fully ( that means if I endure 33 years without P/M I always will be sensitive and inclined to P/M ) . Therefore Christ said - pray and be watchful so that you could resist the temptation. If we neglect prayer, don't try to live according to His Words present in the Bible we haven't a future.
We can't repair the past so it's no use to think about the slip or binge. The Now is the most important. I mean Christ would say to all of us - go and don't sin anymore. make 18 months to 18 years.

_________________

Thank you Mombasa for the support. I am going to pray everyday and not just when things are going wrong. I need to praise him for all the good things he has given me since I am truly blessed with a beautiful family. Does it ever get you down that you are sensitive to P/M and this is something that you have to live with? Sometimes it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

Today was a difficult day for me since it is a day off from work so I have a lot of time on my hands. When I woke up I didn't feel like praying, why that is I am not sure. I think some part of me doesn't want to face the truth of this addiction and would rather self medicate with porn. Seems silly when I write it down, fix the problem with the problem. I had to pull myself away from the computer 3 times today. As a matter of fact after I write this I am going to put the computer away because I can't trust myself. The pain, shame and guilt are the same strong feelings that I had when I first quit P/M for good. This is the hardest part for me and I pray that god will help me endure another day.

Daily Checklist:
8 Hours of Sleep
Praying Night (Or thank you for the day/Plan for Tomorrow)
Healthy Hydration
Reading Recovery Literature
Journaling

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
Anxiety, pain, loneliness

Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting Your Day:
That I am not ready for recovery. That I should just binge one more time to get it out of my system. That I don't deserve gods grace. Truth: Today is the day and I am ready to get back on track. Binging does not get this out of your system it just draws you deeper in. I do deserve gods grace and he will continue to reshape me as long as I stay on his path and not my own.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill today:
Talked with family on Skype.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
I learned that when I feel the need to look at porn I should drop to my knees and pray till the feeling washes away. Also that thinking about the problem all the time makes it worse. I need to give it to god and Trust him that he will take care of this.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
I am thankful for my family.

Anything Else You Would Like to Add:
1 day clean

Hi,


Me never. It's only temptation and when I'm tempted and don't give up I can show Jesus my faith in Him and my battle for Him. So it's for me difficult but very positive, nothing negative



Christ is the only medication. He medicates you when you are praying and fighting for Him.



Your weakness and satan don't want you to pray so that you can't be healed and stay a slave.



In my church is said - satan wants us to always feel guilt so that we can't endure the state and medicate ourselves with addictions

good luck

_________________

Thank you again Mombasa. I know what you say is the truth, and you remind me of my weakness and how I will find strength again with Christ.

Today
I wish I had better news, but i slipped today. I set myself up for failure. I felt triggered but I did not get up and walk away. I need to really focus to get back on track. I really want to be back to where I was when I was clean. I know the path will be very difficult but I need to focus on the goal. When I focus on my failures i fail. I need to turn to God and remember how he lifted me from this the first time. I must be stronger in my fight, failure has only manifest in my weakness and lack of trust in Christ. Today I started writing scripture in a small notebook, so when I feel weak or tempted I can turn to it quickly.

How did I get here?
When I kicked this the first time was when my son was born, I almost lost him and my wife. My faith was strong at that point in my life. Waking up everyday and seeing the blessing and the gift from God helped me maintain my focus and endure the pain of withdraw. Why I lost that focus on this business trip is directly related to my lack obedience to God and my personal weakness. Pride in myself eroded my relationship with God and put me in this place. I can't do this alone but the good news is that I can fight back, I do have the strength with Jesus.

Daily Checklist:
8 Hours of Sleep
Praying Morning
Praying Night
Healthy Hydration
Journaling

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
Anxiety, Frustration, Hope.

Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting Your Day:
The Lie: That there is no freedom from this. Truth: There is freedom from this and happiness. I have been there and God promises victory.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill today:
I didn't. Possible factor of failure.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
When I feel the trigger, the feeling in my gut to the chest, I need to get up, get out, pray or do my breathing. If I don't, I will fail. Its been a long time since I have this type of strong feelings and I forgot how powerful they really are. This is the hardest part for me getting past the three months. This a test and God will always give me a way to endure or escape. I need to do this no matter how difficult it may seem at the time. This has given me a lot of prospective how far I have drifted from God, if anything this my be a blessing to get me back to his path.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
This forum, friends and family. God and his grace, the fact he will still deal with me after failing so many times.

Reminder to my self:
God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.

So don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession. James 1:12-18

Anything Else You Would Like to Add:
This moment right now. I am getting back on path. I want to show God, friends and family that I can be free from this. I am down but don't count me out.

Day 0

Hi,

As long as you are fighting P/M and slipping you are a winner. Loosers are those who ceased fighting.( so indeed you are a winner now not a looser!). Not only prayer and faith - my church says - my own will too ( so I can always do something good for me or others when tempted - for example do sport, help somebody, go walking, do chores...) . We must do the two things simultanously - faith, pray ( God's help) and my struggle with my will power ( doing something active). If one of these things is lacking I will experience failure, acting out

_________________

Doing something good when feeling tempted is great advice and I remember that the next time temptation comes my way.

Today
Today was a better day for me because I overcame a strong temptation. Something went sideways at work and I have to make a tough call. On my way home unwanted images started to pop in my head, so by the time I got to my room my heart way pounding and my hands were shaking. I walked past the laptop as fast as I could and went over to my bedside and started to pray, I prayed for about 15-20 mins for my friends, family and the situation at work. After I finally got up I didn't have the urge to look at porn. Other than a small headache I feel great and at peace. As soon as I am done writing thing I am going to work out read a book and head to bed. Today was a small victory and something I am proud of.


Daily Checklist:
8 Hours of Sleep
Praying Morning
Praying Night
Healthy Hydration
Journaling
Exercise

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
Anxiety or a rush to do the wrong thing, is the only way I can describe it.

Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting Your Day:
None today. It was a good day.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill today:
Skyped with my wife and son.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
I learned that if I can get past the temptation to fail I can better manage the situation.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
I am thankful that God gave me peace after I was strongly tempted.

Reminder to my self:
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." PHILIPPIANS 4:5

Anything Else You Would Like to Add:
Thank you for the support.

Day 1 Clean

This is all about being honest and after last post and before I went to bed I slipped a bit. I was overcome by the same feelings I had in the car, but this time I turned the wrong way. I am truly under attack and need to stay strong. I am going to start my-self back at 0 since a slip is what caused this relapse. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be back to day 1. I am sorry to frustrate anyone reading my journal, especially my friend Mombasa. I know I am frustrated, but I am positive I can beat this, but I have to be 100% clean or I am just going to relapse.


Day 0 Again.

Hi,

You are fighting so it's great and it's not frustrating it's very positive. the thing is to reduce the slip to once only. Binge is the thing we should avoid with all our might.Binge is ceasing the fight so we are really loosers then. Yesterday you had great victory with prayer instead of acting out if you could add doing something active in temptation the chances were bigger.After every slip we can honestly apologise God and ask Him for rescue. Then we can't be frustated and worried because God has remitted the sins as He promised. I 've got confession to priest in my church so it's the greatest help for me. Especially if I slip. In my church is said - satan wants us to be worried and frustrated even if we have apologised God. he wants us not to believe that God has forgiven our sins.he wants us to convince that God is angry with us after slipping and apologising. If we believe satan in these lies we will be in his hands. he'll destroy us. So we must believe in God and His love towards us even after acting out. If we are fighting (even if there are slips) God is happy with us and is going to give some day the complete victory.

_________________

I haven't posted in the past 2 days. I needed to take a break from the my computer. I was 2 days clean this morning, but I slipped again. So I am back to Day 0, I know some people don't count slips, but when I look at my days clean I want them to be just that clean. It seems like I am stuck in the loop, but I have a good feeling that I am about to break it. I have been able to thwart a lot of temptation and If I stick to the game plan I know I will be back on top. I have also feel really positive about my battle for the first time. Since I relapsed I have been really angry and depressed for a battle that I lost and I think that has sabotaged my recovery. Over that last few days it hit me that I have learned a lot for this relapse. I now have a better relationship with God and I am now taking support from others battling this problem. So there has been some good I can take away from this. Its so funny, you would think that since I was clean for so long and was able to kick this the first time it should be a walk in the park. So let this be a warning to anyone reading this it is not any easier to recover the second time around and if you are clean, please run from temptation or prepare to fight all over again.


Daily Checklist:
8 Hours of Sleep
Praying Morning
Praying Night
Healthy Hydration
Journaling
Exercise

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
Frustration.

Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting Your Day:
Lie: That I am stuck where I am at and I can't even go a week with out failing. How will I ever get to 30, 90, 1 year if I can't even get out of a week. Truth: Its all about breaking the cycle and then it is just continuing to run from temptation.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill today:
I spoke to my family on Skype.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
I am excited to break this cycle and start pacing myself day by day to get back healthy and clean. I have been praying for the wrong thing. I was praying for God to heal me overnight, which I know he can do. But the truth is that I want this because I don't want to fight this battle again. God wants me to fight and will give me the strength to do it so I need to be positive that I am battling for him and not sad that I need to battle. I am changing my outlook and not be so down about this.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
I am thankful that I still have the will to battle this. Sometimes its easy to give in and quit.


Reminder to my self:
There are people who love you and are praying for you to get well. God is on your side and he sees the battle you are fighting. He will give you the strength that you pray for. Trust in god, let all doubt go.

Anything Else You Would Like to Add:
I am really hate the 0 key. I know I can do better.

Day 0 Clean