Feed the Right Wolf

Hey guys, how'v you all been? I'm back with a vengeance. Pornography can't beat me.

Basically what happened is I got lazy. It's hard to keep things up. Will power in the 21st century is rnning low

Anyway, I didn't necessarily relapse, I did fail multiple times since my last viewing but I didn't lose the war. I'm back. My girlfriend and I are swinging back even harder at the nasty monster that is porn. So much has happened since my last post that I'm not even able to type it all out or even recall. But I'm more serious now about this. We're trying to set up working systems to truly get me off of porn, and to keep me off of it even when tempted. Here I go...

Day one.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Hi AICS,

I'm glad you came back and are still wanting to move forward.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Of course I'm back! I'm resilient!

So basically what's happened since my last post is I've been trying to fight the battle again but more on my own with some help from my girlfriend and we've been getting sloppy...

The most difficult part about this entire battle, I've noticed, is not the actual staying away from porn... At least for me. I mean ok, when I'm tempted, it's usually game over for me... But we've developed precautionary measures so I don't get too tempted. The problem is when we get lazy and stop doing all of the things we need to do in order to keep me out of harm. It's the same problem people have with sticking to any resolution such as going to the gym, eating healthy, reading more, or whatever. It's will power we lack sometimes... Which is EXACTLY why I stopped my journals for a while. It became a hassle for me to keep typing journals, rather I got lazy.

My guard went down, I got lazy to keep fighting. So my porn use escalated a little bit since I started to quit, which is still FAR less than the frequency before I started this journey back when I became a part of Feed the Right Wolf. Nevertheless my girlfriend noticed this escalation and we began to fear I wasn't really trying anymore... rather that my desire has been dying down and that I would make a full relapse into porn. With the last few views and me telling my girlfriend, it's been so difficult an we've had such a hard time, and I began to feel hopeless again like I did before I started this journey.

The last talk we had we assessed why this was happening and concluded it was because we haven't really been going by our guidelines at all. I stopped posting here, we stopped doing the other stuff, and I still haven't started that bloody recovery program XD I need to get on that... I'm waiting for when school finally ends so I can give a good amount of time to reading the information and stuff.

Besides that, I've also found a few great online addiction chats with full 24/7 support. Someone is always on them. So i need to do some research and figure out which one is best for me (probably the Christian porn addiction help chat.) That way i'll have a place to go to, and people to help me whenever I'm on my computer and I get tempted.

When I'm tempted to watch porn... what I really need are 1. a distraction. I need something to get me to stop thinking about porn completely at that moment. and 2. something to reaffirm to me my goals and why I'm doing them. When I'm tempted and caught in that "tunnel vision" type of scenario where I stop thinking about other aspects of life and only start thinking about porn and lust, I need something to snap me out of it and remind me of my true values and goals/desires in life. To remind me that I have a loving girlfriend to whom I should be faithful to, and that I have a loving God who wants me to stop lusting as well.


So yeah. That's about it. I mean in a nutshell. All in all, we're making another big push. We've lost a few battles here and there. I've caved in. But now we're fighting back and the forces of Souron and Saruman cannot vanquish us! We, the free peoples of Middle Earth!

(If you don't know about Lord of the Rings you might not get that reference XD)

anyway, day two vanquished my friends. God bless.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

hey, I really like your new journal and the positivity and motivation you bring to it. it's natural to get horny though, it is possible that you can hold off on your desires for the day to have sex with your girlfriend when she gets home at night? I'm not sure what your philosophy on sex is, but I am a strong believer in healthy sexual outlets, porn being a very unhealthy one and sex between bf/gf a healthy one.

-Dance

_________________

Goal: April 20th, 2013

Thanks DanceSucka! I like to try to stay positive, it helps.

Anyway, hahaha, it's a nice notion, and your idea makes sense to me, but I'm 17. My girlfriend and I don't live with each other, we're in high school. And (as far as I know) we both believe in waiting until marriage to have sex.

With THAT being said, sometimes I think I'm really fighting a tough war here. I mean, I'm a teenage guy. My hormones are RAGING and I'm coming to, if not at the peek of sexual desire! It's a long story, but basically my friend first introduced me to porn in 5th grade (I was really hesitant and disgusted of it at first) but then I grew to like it... and so on, and so on. It got to the point where could barely look at a girl without remember some scene or some pose...

Either way, I noticed the stuff really changed me as a person, and it hurt my friendships and relationships.

Which bring me to my next thought... I'm REALLY ANGRY at society today. I talked about this with my girlfriend before, and it made her upset, but it's true! Society has become a massive temptation. Everywhere you go you see women wearing revealing clothing. Every magazine, and every television ad always displays half-naked and revealing women. Here's one for me - I love House and Electro-House music, and today it's even hard to go on Youtube to look it up without finding videos with very revealing pictures. HONESTLY! It's EVERYWHERE. Our society is dripping with perversion and temptation everywhere. Why is it like this!?

I'm thinking about this because today particularly was pretty difficult with that. I've noticed some things about myself. This morning I've masturbated before getting ready for school after waking up. I usually don't do it in the morning, but I haven't slept in 2 days and three days ago I've only slept a couple of hours so I was frustrated. 1: Days in which I do that in the morning I am basically more of... a douche. I don't know what the chemistry behind it is, but I'm really cocky on days I've acted out sexually. (no pun intended, but yeah, you can laugh, I did. ) 2: On days I act out, throughout the entire day, I view women more lustfully than normal. Essentially my mind gets thinking more about sex, which isn't good by any means.

Otherwise today was a pretty good day. I was sad for a few reasons but I recently called my friend and apologized for something I did and it's fine now. I feel better about that. But I still have unfinished business with another friend I have to take care of. Either way, being a dependent adolescent sucks no matter which way you look at it and there are so many stresses in life I have right now. Once school is done in a few days I'll have a big load off my back.

Day 3 went running home to its mommy cause I'm just too big and dangerous for it! Woo! Let's go!

I'll keep fighting. I have to. For God, for myself, my friends and family, and of course, for my lovely girlfriend. <3

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Hello everyone! Guess who's baaaaaaaaaaaaack! ;D

Today was a pretty interesting day. It was full of... interesting things. I'm happy to say the problem I had yesterday was not really affecting me today at all. So my theory is right. Acting out sexually changes me somehow in a negative way that persists throughout the day. That motivates me at least a little more to keep fighting my addiction.

Today was full of ups and downs, but manly ups. I'm happy and excited that I'm officially a senior now. Classes are winding down, and we're bringing in textbooks pretty soon too. I'm participating in ushering the senior assembly and graduation ceremony! I fixed my problem with my friend I mentioned yesterday, and all is well with her.

I have horrible insomnia problems though. Ok, I know I have a lot on my mind and emotions usually. I suffer from scrupulosity, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrupulosity, and that keeps me usually in a constant state of anxiety. But lately its been backing down a little. I usually don't think about much of anything at all before bed these days and so I can't attribute my lack of sleep to that. Sure I have school stresses, friend stresses, girlfriend stresses, but they're all perfectly manageable to me, and unless my subconscious is holding in tension I don't some how know about, I should be fine. Either way, I haven't slept in three days, literally. And I hope to get some this night. I need it. Badly. I have much to do tomorrow.

I'm also feeling sadness because I decided to cancel my plans with my girlfriend tomorrow to study for the SAT on Saterday. I have to prioritize... but I doubt my mom'd even let me be with her then anyway considering my parents are grade/school/test/scholarship nazis. But it's all fine and understandable. Just, she's been having a bad week, and i feel like i made it that much worse by doing this... I'm upset by it, but it must be done. I'm sure she understands though. The SAT is a big deal. We'll be together next week, I promised her that. Anyway, all should be well, I must sleep...


Today was relatively "non-sexual." I didn't have many thoughts or desires today. Nothing big or bad. I was just too preoccupied I suppose.

Day 4 bites the dust. NEXT!

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Nice to see that you're positive and making progress. You're taking the SAT exam tomorrow, well so am I! Good luck on it, I hope we both do well!

_________________

The revealing clothing part is very important. Girls do this for three reasons: 1. to feel pretty/beautiful/sexy, 2. to compete with other women, and 3. to attract men. The underlying psychological need is to feel feminine, which includes desiring attention. Humans love attention, to a certain degree and context, whether they show it or not. The most important thing you can do is allow them to wear this type of revealing clothing without judgment. It is a great thing that girls dress up, and they look wonderful and we love them for it. The problem lies in succumbing to their sexual power and essentially being a pretty girl's male bitch. This also includes porn and masturbation - by participating in either of these selfish activities you are disrespecting women and yourself. You disrespect women by giving them lust without love and caring. These hot girls live their lives in constant male attention and they have grown accustomed to the intentions of men who only like them for their looks. Don't be one of these guys lusting and drooling over women. To do this, you must become a man who respects a woman's body and her beauty enough to look beyond it into her true self. The men who jerk off to porn and the men who only want to get laid and are not looking to make friends and connections and add value to a woman's life beyond a one time experience are those who are enslaved by body parts, lust, and enticement. You don't have to be that guy!!!

-Dance

_________________

Goal: April 20th, 2013

Nice! Yeah this is my second time taking it, hoping to dominate it and boost my score even more! Good luck on yours too

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I agree with you 100%! This is why I refuse to allow myself to be enslaved by porn and masturbation. I don't want to look at women as if they are an object of sexual pleasure. They are humans deserving of respect and true admiration for more than just looks and outward appearance. I was a real jerk back when I was enslaved by porn.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20