Feed the Right Wolf

Sorry for the huge lapse in updates. I've been quite busy, mostly job hunting and post-wedding duties. On the plus side: it's been over a month since I've looked at porn!

Checklist:
Good night's sleep. 8 or 9 hours.
Exercise: over the past few weeks, I've gotten into the habit of jogging. I'm trying to do it every day, but that hasn't stuck yet.

Strong Emotions That You Felt:
Some stress, some frustration. My wife and I have argued over small things. Sometimes it's things I forget to do that hold us up, that cause fights and come between us. But those usually subside.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill:
I've been spending a lot of time with family and friends, going to parties and family time.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced:
I've learned that once the porn went away, there wasn't really any kind of gaping hole in its place to replace with anything. I haven't felt empty. I've just had more free time and more self-confidence.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
A supportive wife and a wonderful family.

_________________
Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.

Checklist:
I've been getting a healthy amount of sleep lately.
Jogging
Meditation/prayer
Journaling

Strong Emotions That You Felt:
I felt an urge yesterday morning. On the way back from my jog, I knew I'd be home alone. However, I took some deep breaths and talked myself out of it. That was the first urge I'd felt in a while.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill:
Dinner with the in-laws

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced:
I believe I'm getting close to finding a job, and my wife just started her new job. I'm learning that the future is looking bright, and that a life without porn addiction is possible.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
The security that my wife and I have, and the system of support our families provide. Also, it's been nearly a month and a half without porn, and that feels really great.

_________________
Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.

Well, after almost two months, I began feeling urges again today. I recently got a new smart phone, and the access it gave me found me going back to the places I used to go. Thankfully, I never accessed any content, and stopped myself - as well as put a password on my content filter. But it's made me much more alert; I must remember that I'm not free from porn addiction, and likely never will be - the only thing I can do is try my best and stay vigilant, especially against new threats.

Checklist:
I have not been doing any ERP exercises in a while. I've decided to begin doing that again.
I've been exercising, on and off, lately.
Meditation/prayer (daily)
Good night's sleep (daily - though I've just caught a cold, which may affect my sleep schedule)

Strong Emotions That You Felt:
Lust - I was tempted several times today to view pornography. I nearly gave in, beginning to browse the sites I once frequented. I eventually overcame my urges with a sense of logic and determination (I just can't go back, ever. This isn't me anymore.)

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill:
This was the problem - my wife has begun a new job, and while I'm job hunting, I'm home alone frequently. I need to get myself out of the house somehow, so I'm not so isolated for much of the day.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced:
I count today as a positive experience; it reminded me that I can't get comfortable, and that I'm still waging a war on my addiction.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
That I've got God's forgiveness and the love of my family. And I'm thankful that I've gone as long as I have - it makes me confident that I can keep on going.

_________________
Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.

I relapsed this morning, ending my almost two-month streak of freedom. I gave in to the temptation that my new smart phone offered, and looked at porn for nearly an hour before masturbating. That, of course, brought the same guilt that my last rock-bottom moment brought. The only silver lining I see is that there's no more temptation to go back and see what else there is, since I've gone as low as I can go.

My two biggest triggers are access to private browsing on my phone, and alone time during the day (my wife works full-time, and I'm currently job hunting). My job now is to start over - rather than Day 55, I'm back at Day 0. I feel broken, defeated and weak, but I'm comforted by the fact that I did so well before. I know I can do it again. If I can make it 56 days, I'll consider it a success.

The saddest part is, I can't say I didn't see it coming. When I began to get urges once again (the past four or five days or so), I told myself to watch out, that my addiction was resurfacing. This morning, I felt the urge and at first rejected it, and felt very confident about that. Then I relented.

I know it's not an easy path, and I know this is something I'll always live with. It's humbling (well, humiliating) to know that I'm stuck with this, that I'll never be normal or able to enjoy the same things others can. But that gives me the motivation to overcome my porn addiction.

My only concern is opening up to my wife. She hasn't been feeling very confident lately, and often blames my addiction on herself, thinking she isn't "enough." Of course, that's not the case, but to admit my relapse to her at this point in her life, I think would do more harm than good. I'm stuck.

Well, here's to second chances. Day Zero.

_________________
Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.

As addicts, we've always done things differently than others. Recovery is a way of doing things differently that's healthy and works for us. Keep moving forward.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Thanks, Absolution. That's true.

Yesterday, I went back to it again, having the house to myself and nearby access. After nearly an hour, I forced myself to stop. I'm making some changes that will hopefully help - keeping my phone in the kitchen so I don't have access first thing in the morning, once my wife's gone to work. I'm also going to focus on ERP exercises again, which previously I've stopped doing.

I'm getting myself out of isolation during the day, too, which is great. This morning I didn't look at porn, got ready and went straight to work. Usually it only takes one good day to set me back on the right track; here's hoping that's the case this time.

Despite my backsliding, I'm grateful that I went so long, because I know I can do it again.

_________________
Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.

Second day clean. I had some urges this morning, but practiced my ERP and took control of myself. Feels good, man. I got up, had a healthy breakfast, and I'm getting ready to head into work. I'm grateful for the chance to start over. I'm looking forward to the days ahead, when each consecutive day clean makes the next day a bit easier.

_________________
Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.

Today was another good day. I got out of the house, got some exercise, had a hearty breakfast, and stayed clean. I had to fight some tough urges when a friend posted some tempting content on Facebook, but I took some breaths and kept clean. This is day 3. Thank God.

_________________
Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.

Backslid today. I thought it was safe to keep the phone in the bedroom - too soon. I'm going to have to be a lot more careful. Starting over again at day zero. It's disheartening, but I'm trying to keep my head up. Think I might download the Droid browser this site recommends for blocking sites.

_________________
Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.

This morning was a colossal failure. Binged on porn for about three hours, and masturbated. This is the worst relapse I've had in months. I keep trusting myself too much - thinking I can be alone in the house without succumbing to urges. I don't know what it is about mornings that makes it so hard to say no; it's almost as if my conscious brain hasn't switched on yet, and I act on urges more quickly.

I've downloaded the K9 web filter for my smartphone, and I'm hoping it will help me stay away. I really can't tolerate having this addiction in my life anymore, it's ridiculous. I'm going jogging now - hopefully getting out of the house and getting some exercise will help me feel better. But I know when I get back, I'll be alone for a few hours. That'll be tough. I could use some prayers, if you guys don't mind.

On the bright side, I know the techniques I've learned from this site work. I know that if I apply them to my life diligently and daily, that I can overcome this again. I'm back down at the bottom of the hill, but at least I'm climbing again.

_________________
Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.