Feed the Right Wolf

I have made it 6 days without looking for porn. Saturday was tough because from the moment I woke up, I had sex on my mind. I spend a good part of the day running errands and I also went the gym. What was bad was that it was hot out, and there were scantily dressed women everywhere I went. I found myself lustfully looking at all these different women. Nevertheless, I resisted and hopefully things get easier today.

Earlier this week, I attended a leadership presentation on the power of positive psychology. The lecturer was an author, who has written books on high performing individuals and organizations. The premise of his presentation was that when people dwell on what is wrong, they get trapped in a pattern of negative results. The key is to focus on what you do well and then leverage that.

This got me thinking about my addiction. Sometimes I get frustrated and feel that I should have made more progress by now. However, when I take a step back, I realize that I have made some progress and have done a lot of things to build a foundation for future success.

Examples:

-Health - Overall the past several years, I have become increasing health conscious. I eat fairly healthy. I work out somewhat regularly. I probably would have achieved greater results had it not been for the time dedicated to my porn habit, but nevertheless, I am in decent shape. Over the past couple of years, I have also learned the importance of good hydration, and sleep habits, and I am now starting to put those to use.

-Pornography Addiction Education - I have spent a lot of time reading internet articles about pornography addiction and how to overcome it, including this site.

-Self Awareness - I have spent a lot of time reflecting and trying to understand what other factors have led to my addiction. I now understand that I have some anxiety issues that I had not previously addressed, and I have started to learn about anxiety and how to deal with it. I have also realized that some of my issues are caused by my inability to have meaningful relationships with women. I have read several books on dating and relationships trying to understand the psychology around this. I came to the awareness that I have a bit of "nice guy syndrome". I read a book an this, and also visit sites such as Artofmanliess to help me hone manly skills.

-Mindfullness Techniques - Based on Alex's recommendation, I read the Practicing Mind. I also read one of Jon Kabat Zinn's books on minfullness meditation. I have recently started to practice meditation.

As I look back, I realize that I have put a lot of effort into building a foundation that will help me finally break free. I feel that I finally have the tools that I need. Now I just need to put them to use.

In addition to having the tools, I have already made a few small steps towards breaking free. I used to have an extensive porn collection. A couple of years ago, I completely removed all of it. I cleaned hard drives, threw away Playboy magazines, and shredded Girls Gone Wild DVDs. While this didn't stop me from continuing to look at porn, it was a step towards liberation.

Over the past couple of years, I largely migrated away from hard core porn. Unfortunately, I replaced it with more softcore, Playboy type porn, which is just as damaging, but I am still glad that I was able to leave the hard core stuff behind.

I have also managed to decrease the frequency of my porn use over the past year. Even before I started this latest push, I had gotten to the point where I was no longer looking at porn everyday.

My goal is to break 100% free from porn. Nothing less is acceptable. As mentioned above, I have been frustrated by not making faster progress. However, if I look at it from a positive angle, I realize that I have made a few small inroads. Perhaps more importantly, I have spent a lot of time building the foundational tools that I need to be successful.

I have found with other endeavors that sometimes you put a lot of effort into something, and at first you don't see many results. Then you reach a tipping point, where the results start to pour in. I think maybe I am now at that tipping point. To use a war analogy, there are still many bloody battles ahead, and the outcome is far from certain. However, my navy taken over small islands, my air forces have have softened up the enemies strongholds, and I have amassed a ground force and begun the invasion.

By all accounts this war is starting to turn in my favor.

Today is Day 8 without porn. I have also went 6 days without masturbating. My goal when I started this was to go cold turkey on the porn, but I told myself that if I felt that I couldn't hold out any longer that I needed to masturbate occasionally, I would do so as long as there was no visual stimulation and I wasn't remembering porn that I had seen. I don't know if that is the right approach or not but it seemed less daunting that trying to give up both habits at the same time.

Sunday was fairly easy for me. I had some family activities that occupied a good portion of the day, and I didn't really feel any urges. Monday was pretty decent too. However, I did have a few urges to masturbate (not to porn though) when I got home from work. I held off and the urges passed.

One helpful thing that I did this weekend was to put my laptop computer away and try to spend less time on the internet. I always felt like I spent too much time time on the internet even when I wasn't looking at porn. The longer I would spend on the internet the more likely I would get tempted.

I have multiple computers. I have a desktop in an upstairs bedroom that I use as an office. I also kept a laptop downstairs. This is the computer that I used to do most of my internet surfing. I put the laptop away in an upstairs closet. No I have to go upstairs to my office to get on a computer. Keeping a computer out of site and limiting my time on the internet seems to be helping my urges.

I am approaching a personal record. I think the longest that I have went without porn was 10 days which I achieved this January.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Day 9 without porn. I had to wake up an hour earlier than normal to attend an early morning meeting. I found myself getting really tired by late afternoon. When I got home from work I started getting strong urges.

I suspected that my urges were really caused by me being tired. I took an hour nap on the couch, and when I woke up the urges had gone.

Two things were reinforced in my mind today. First, being tired is one of the things that most frequently leads to me being triggered. I really need to be disciplined in my sleep habits. Second, I am also learning that urges will pass if you let them.

Congratulations on making it to 9 days. We are rooting for you to keep going!

_________________
Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

Nice work man. Keep it up and you will reach a new record soon!

Good job on your progress.

I found that I had to give up even softcore stuff, because I could be triggered and would start a downward spiral. Even some innocent sites can trigger me.
For example, I think I have to give up youtube, too many triggers around there.
Cold turkey is the only thing that works for me, and having an emergency plan and preventative measures.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

Thanks for all the support, guys!

It has been a couple of days since I posted. I am now on Day 11, which is a new personal best for me. I have also went 9 days without masturbating to the point of orgasm.

Wednesday was a rough day for me. I was put into some new situations at work, which threw me out of my comfort zone. The things I was doing wouldn't have been a been a big deal for most people, but I am finding that anytime I get put in a new situation, my anxiety really kicks in. I realized that I still have a long way to go when it comes to challenging my fears and conquering my anxiety.

Anyway, by the time I got home, I was feeling all kinds of urges. I wisely stayed away from the computer. That is the main reason I didn't post in my journal yesterday.

The thing I am learning is that even when I stay away from porn, my brain will look to other sources for simulation. I was watching TV last night, and came across a reality TV show talking about sex. I found myself watching the show and starting to touch myself. Next, I started flipping through the channels looking for other TV shows with sexy themes. I eventually stopped myself and went to bed.

Thursday was much better. I felt some urges when I first got up, but they soon went away.

I think the thing I am starting to understand better is how my brain starts running wild with sexual thoughts anytime I am anxious, tired, stressed, etc.

I made it another day, so it has now been 12 days for me. Today, I did feel a lot of urges. I was a little tired today. When I have days like this, I find myself frequently thinking of sexual thoughts even about things that normally wouldn't trigger me. For example, I was watching the Olympic opening ceremonies. As I watched the female athletes all I could think of was a recent article in ESPN The Magazine that talked about what a party scene the Olympic Village becomes and all the sex that happens between the athletes.

That's the danger that I seem to always be faced with. Even if I stay away from the computer and avoid sexual TV shows, etc. I will still feel impulses. I am hoping that these will pass over time.

I was really feeling triggered today when I came home from work, but I took a short nap on the couch and seemed to do better after that. Again, I continue to learn about the importance of sleep. I feel much more triggered when I am tired.

One odd thing happened today. I was talking to someone, and as I was hearing my own words, it seemed to me that my voice was deeper. This may have just been wishful thinking (my voice typically isn't very deep), or maybe my ears were just plugged for some reason. However, it made me wonder if maybe there would be physiological changes associated with quitting my porn addiction. I would certainly take a deeper voice if I could get one

Today was my toughest day yet. I felt triggered from the moment I awoke. The frustrating thing is that I have no idea why. I slept great last night, and being a Saturday, there was nothing stressful in my life today.

All day long, all I could think about was sex. This morning, I read a news story dealing with nudity. I found myself on the computer doing searches for similar types of stories. I spent about 45 minutes reading salacious stories on the internet, while I touched myself. I eventually caught myself and stopped before I advanced to pictures and videos.

Throughout the day, I found other ways to lust. One of my neighbors was outside in a bikini and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Later I went for a bicycle ride. My route took me past an apartment complex pool popular with college students. Of course I had to stop and get a better look at the girls in bikinis. Also, throughout the day my mind would keep playing back images of porn I have viewed in the past, previous sexual experiences, fantasies etc. I would try to do things to take my mind off of sex, but my mind kept coming back to it. All day long was like this for me.

Several times throughout the day, I would start to masturbate but then stop myself after a couple of minutes.

I think that my problems go deeper than just pornography. I seem to have a problem with lust in general. If I shut off the porn, my brain just starts finding other methods of lustful stimulation.

I am not sure if I should count this as a day of sobriety or not, since I spent so much time lusting, fantasizing, and starting and stopping to masturbate. In the end though my willpower did seem to win out and I did avoid pornography and did not have an orgasm.

I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Day 14 without porn. It has been another tough 24 hours. After I posted my recovery journal last night I started watching TV. I found a racy, artsy type film on the Sundance Channel. I watched it, and it had several nude scenes. I didn't really get aroused much at all during the nude scenes though. Today, I continued to fantasize and lust a good part of the day. Everyone I went I found myself ogling women. I felt a little like a creepy pervert today.

I am not sure how to judge this weekend. I felt like I wrestled with the devil the whole time, and I am not sure who won in the end. I think it might have been a draw.

I am a disappointed that I wasn't as productive as I wanted to be. My house is a mess right now, and I had good intentions of getting things in order. I felt drained of energy and didn't accomplish a whole lot. I did work out on both Saturday and Sunday though.

Despite all the hiccups, I still feel a sense of victory. I battled my temptations, and in the end I avoided pornography for another day. I also avoided orgasm, so it has now been 12 days for that.

I think I learned a few things over the weekend as well. First, I need to do a better job employing what I learned about mindfulness, specifically when sexual fantasies enter my brain. What I need to do is to acknowledge the thought, but don't entertain the idea. For example, I should say "Hmmm, another sexual thought." and then immediately redirect my thoughts to the task at hand. Instead, I have a tendency to explore the thoughts that enter my mind, and that leads me down the wrong path.

I also need to try to understand why weekends are so difficult for me. I live alone, and weekends are often spent without a lot of contact with others. I don't necessarily feel lonely or depressed, but I wonder if there is some loneliness and depression present that I am not cognizant of. It is the only reason I can think of for why I feel so triggered on weekends. I need to explore and understand that better.

I am a little hesitant to say that I have been sober for 14 days given the fact that I have succumbed to temptation, had lustful fantasies, and viewed some nude scenes in a movie. However, I am still going to declare victory in these early battles. I have stayed porn free for 14 days now.