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Hi everyone.
Ok. Here it goes... I've been addicted to porn for 13 years.
I'm going to start my journal properly tomorrow, but (even just my own record) I want to outline my story first.
When I started using porn I was simply curious like a lot of teenage boys.
I now know that porn, to-date, has ruined my life.
Once fun-loving, confident and popular, my addiction has made me withdrawn, lonely and depressed:
I have drifted away from my closest friends and lost the ability to make new ones.
My confidence is rock-bottom and I have wasted any talent I was born with,
along with all the hard work I put into my studies by hiding myself in a part-time, dead-end job for years.
I know I can be the good person I want to be, but I am a monster when I sit in front of my screen:
My addiction has esculated recently which has lead me to pay for porn sites.
Knowing that I have helped fund something so vulgar, dangerous and cruel is my biggest shame.
My depression has lasted over 3 years and has taken me to some awful places,
but a month ago I was doing well in my sobriety and I managed to pluck up some great courage (for me at least).
I went for several interviews for companies I thought I would never be able to work for, and I managed to get a new job which starts tomorrow.
It's actually my dream job - something I've worked for since I was 12. It's an incredible opportunity for a new life and I want to give my all.
Shortly after accepting the job I relapsed, and have struggled since.
I have tried to quit porn many times before and reading this forum was a big help in my last (and greatest) attempt.
The main reason I fail is that when I manage to go a while without using, my confidence rises and, forgetting that I'm an addict, I easily slip.
My hope is that by recording my progress from here onwards, I will never forget the pain porn can cause and the hard work that goes into tackling an addiction.
And if I do slip, I will hopefully have a supportive network that can help me to pick myself up.
I don't have a plan for my journal, I'm just going to record my progress and keep reminding myself why I want to change and what works for me.
My biggest motivators are the people around me. I'm very fortunate to have some wonderful people in my life that love and support me, including
my girlfriend of 7 years. If there is such a thing as a soul-mate, then she's mine. She makes me want to be a better person.
Today will (hopefully) be my first day of recovery.
_________________
I can see the tunnel at the end of the light.
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