Feed the Right Wolf

This morning on August 2nd, 2012, my cat passed away. The cause of death was complete malnutrition due to cancer. He had cancer in his trough, tongue, and saliva glands and could not swallow at all. This morning he was throwing up and coughing up blood on the floor, and then he went to sleep on my mom's bed, and gently passed on from there. I will always love and miss him so much. I can't keep crying today, I know if I let myself, I won't stop...

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

AICS...I am sorry to hear that your cat has passed on. Losing a close pet is very difficult. My thoughts are with you on this challenging day.

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Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

Hi AICS..... I'm so sorry to hear about your cat
My fiance and I are vegetarians, animal rights advocates, and we pretty regard our dog Pickle as an equal family member. I understand what it's like to lose a friend like this and I am truly sorry.

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

I send my condolences to you AICS, I can imagine it sucks to lose a pet that you are very close to. My thoughts are also with you.

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Thanks guys, you're all such great support.

Yeah I love and miss that furry little guy. Absolution, I wish I could say I am a vegetarian too, but alas I do not think I will be able to quit eating meat any time soon, I hope you don't think of me any less because of that. D: But I absolutely love animals. I have a doggie too. She's a Bichon Frise, so sweet, and her name's Bella. ;D

Anyway, I haven't been writing on here much lately. It's part of my new plan to stay detached from my addiction problem, and just tough it out. Tomorrow will once again be my one-week day and I have once again been able to stay clean without doing much of anything really. It's been stress free and happy. So I don't know anymore what to think or do, I guess I'll keep this up! I have no desire to watch anymore, except I could really use some mb right now... >_> I don't know I'll think about it U_U. I was feeling "frisky" all day!

Anyway, I'm also really optimistic right now, I feel like thing will be even EASIER once school starts and I'm packed with things to do. Hopefully... Maybe I'm once against just getting lucky and not running into any temptations. Who knows. May God help me.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

This morning I fought back a MASSIVE craving. I still think I'm going to avoid being on my computer and Ipod today... But I feel like i'm out of the red-zone now, I'm not so tempted.

Hm... I need breakfast.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Stick to your resolve...you can get through today. Stay focused on your end goal.

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

im sorry... I relapsed. like. a minute ago. I'm overwhelmed

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I'm a little more calm now, but I'm low on time, I have to go to a little party thing for my friend who is going to leave for college later this week.

I've been feeling so bothered and I guess in that weak mood since yesterday morning, it's really horrible and annoying. >.< Last night my girlfriend told me to go to bed instead of watch The Matrix Reloaded, which initially I was annoyed with cause I really wanted to see it, but later I found to be incredible advice. Nothing good happens after midnight, rule of thumb. I need to stick to that, I need to be consistent.

But this morning, the same feelings persisted but got more and more intense. I was just so bothered and UGH. Then my brain finally snapped and I got thoughts, curiosities. Anything could set me off. I was just eating breakfast, on my ipod, on the Cyanide and Happiness App, I love that app. Funny stuff. But one of the comics were about porn/shock sites and it triggered memories and thoughts I didn't want or need and the same process occurred that always gets us down. One thing leads to another and BAM you find yourself somehow viewing porn and you're like "wtf...??" but you're helpless so you finish off and then horrible feelings of guilt and shame and fear ensue. (fear for me, I mean I have to tell my girlfriend and all... but I assume also fear for ANYONE with an accountability partner.) But I was so weak. I had a mini-relapse, then I panicked, started searching for some software to help fight against this addiction (to see what i had in mind, go to the general tab and look at "Is there anything like this?") but to my shock and with my lack of knowledge how to word what I wanted to find I ended up with just more triggering sites and I was done for.


I'm noticing a consistent pattern now of failing once a week. They keep landing on Mondays and I'm not sure what that means. I can think of it in many different ways. Optimistically, does this mean I'm so far in my recovery I only really get tempted or desire once a week? While I'm completely fine the rest of the week? I guess that's an accomplishment, I mean, I'd rather it be like a month, or a year. But i mean it's a start, right? This is like the third week this pattern occurred, another idea is that what if I can now predict my next episode? What if next monday I relapse again? Or at least feel the cravings and desires? Should I now plan and prepare for next monday? I think so. It seems i'm having a very difficult time passing one week. But this is at least so much better than before when I had a difficult time passing one day..

Ok, i'm changing my gameplan, I'm going to give the extra almost obsessive effort I used to give. School's almost in anyway, this means I NEED to get my sleeping under control. That's another thought, I know we addicts are extremely vulnerable and weak when we're tired. That's terrible news for me considering I'm an insomniac. I don't sleep. therefore I'm, well, EXTREMELY tired. And weak. That's a problem... I need to work on my sleeping.

And darn it! If I don't work out more, my girlfriend will get stronger than me! I can't let that happen! I need to keep fighting. I'm still a little depressed and stuff about this now. I'm really really really sorry... But I know if I continue feeling like this I'm only continuing on my addiction pathway or cycle... Vulnerable Time -> Stimulus (trigger) -> Emotion -> Thought -> Chemical Release -> Body Language -> Second Thought -> Hypothesis/belief -> Response (Acting out) -> Remorse

I can't dwell on this remorse... but i'm just so scared about what that means. I feel like if I feel bad about what I do that means I'm still a good person. If I stop letting myself feel bad, what if I lose that negative reinforcement that keeps me away from porn And what if I entirely stop feeling bad about porn and just do it without caring?? I CAN"T do THAT! I'll never stop caring, I wan't this out of my lifee.ee. Crap I have to go.

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I'd like to quote something I posted in someone else's journal, I really surprise myself with my writing sometimes XD I should be a writer.



I think that's important for all of us to remember... At the Landmark Forum I learned the many ways society doesn't get along. People make up so many stories about each other without just stopping and looking at the hard, logical facts. The past is the past, leave it there. Now is now, work on it. The future is unknown, don't worry about it. It's perfectly human for people to make instant judgements, it happens instantly, without thought. But the above quote is what I know and truly believe to be the truth. We've all got our problems, our specific sins we need to deal with and get help for. It's annoying, I know, but it IS. And there's nothing we can do about it but DEAL with it.


There's just so much going on right now, I just don't even know what to write about. Between losing my cat, having one of my best friends leave for college, almost losing my relationship, having the best weekend ever, having school start soon, needing to read my summer reading books still and needing to see my friends, it's just UGH! stop! Everything just stop! Stop it all. i'm 17, crap i just want to enjoy my life. Seriously.

All i know now, is I'm still just in the process of working on this, and figuring out what works for me, what is it that will help ME beat this addiction. What combination of things will be the right ones to get me to that 30, 60, no, 90 days that i want so badly.

I'm having a horrible re-occurrence of my past terrible thoughts about porn. Im getting my "i'll never find anything so fun again" thought stuck in my head and it sucks! I need to find things to do in my life. I'm like an internet addict, let's just face it, I'm going to be one of those 40-year old guys who lives alone with 40 cats and I'll havde literally the biggest butt in the world from sitting so much. And multiple back problems. there ARE so many things I love doing, but nothing that I know of so far makes my heart race like porn, or gives me that same sense of ahhhhh, if you know what i mean. Like. Think about it. "Oh yeahhh I'm drawing. yeahhh I'm feeling such a rush... putting a pencil to paper, feel the burn man, look at my heart race. wooo drawing is so scandalous.... yeahhhh." Hahahha. no.

I also enjoy making music, but that can be such a tedious task too to get it just right, it involves hours sitting at the computer tweaking virtual knobs and things to get just the right sound. Yeah, makes my adrenaline and dopamine rush SO much... sitting there... getting frustrated as to why I can't make that sound I want... woo.

I mean what else? I could go running. That makes my heart race! But not the good kind that i like. It's the kind that's like "ugh... exercise, this is so painfullll..... ugh, make it stop... breath, breath, BREATH, FKING BREEEEEAAAATHHH." That's clearly not going to do the trick. I don't get much pleasure from the act of exercising, certainly not like porn... and I don't have much money to take classes in something or whatever.

Come on guys, help me find an alternative. What else can I do to get that same rush, that same pleasure?? But of course it has to be a good, healthy activity. Gahhh... I just don't know, this is all just so painfully annoying. I mean come on... there HAS to be SOMETHING fun and exciting to do....

Anyway, still not giving up.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20