Feed the Right Wolf

I have a real hard time making myself sit down and write this. To me it is l Ike being forced to do a homework assignment in my least favorite subject. After a recent slip after 15 days of sobriety I decided I need to take more actions

I have been here before but I don't think I have ever been as serious as I am now. a little over two weeks ago I found myself getting the urge in the morning before work. I was not running late so I thought I would take a few minutes for naughty time. Before I could though my wife woke up and accused me being naughty. I got very defensive
and I told her a white lie since I had not gotten that far. Later I felt really bad for how I treated her. That day during work I came back here and started reading the forum. I read some posts from wives about how hurt and upset they were and it briefly brought me to tears during my lunch hour.

That night I told my wife about how I still had a problem and was still viewing things. She told me she was not mad at all and was just happy I was being honest. She told me she wanted to fully support me in trying to get better. I thought I must have the most amazing wife ever and felt so close to her at this time. We had sex the next three days in a row which is a change from our normal 2-3 times a month. After that I started having some ed issues which really discouraged me from wanting it. I stayed committed though and did not view anything or even masturbate for the next 14 days. On day 14 my wife had an appointment with a therapist she sees for anxiety issues. I told her if she feels like my addiction effects her than please discuss it with her therapist. When she came home she said I can't do this on my own and cold turkey does not work. She said her therapist was going to give her a recommendation for someone I could see. The thought of seeing a therapist gives me some anxiety. In fact it scares the s@$& out of me. I am warming to the idea though especially after my slip. The other key thing my wife told me was that she does not even care if I look at porn as long as I never choose it over her. This might sound nice but my addicted subconscious took this as a free pass. The next day in a moment of weakness I found myself straying to Google image search. Before I knew it I was sucked into the black hole. Eventually I found myself in a chat room where interestingly enough I started telling people that I had an addiction and should not even be there. Some people admitted to me that they also had issues so I tried pointing some to this site.

After I came back to reality I decided I would tell my wife but not until she was awake. The timing ended up bad because she asked me if I was good right before we were about to have sex. That put a damper on the mood but we ended up still doing it. One thing to note was I had no ed issues. My wife said that its a bad sign about my addiction but it does not help to motivate me.

so now I am back at one day sober and am thinking I can overcome my reservations about seeing someone.

One other thing maybe not related but I feel like mentioning. I think I have a condition known as anorgasmia. when I was a teen my feelings of orgasm seemed to decline in intensity until I it was a blimp compared to what it used to be(unrelated to ejaculation which is normal for me). Never been brave enough to discuss this with a doctor but if it is a mental issue maybe a therapist can help with that too.

Welcome Boatlover!

I just want to say good on you! You are doing the right thing by being here and seeking help! Writing Journal entries is a great way to aid your recovery. I am also married and I just want to encourage you to be willing to do whatever it takes to get better! I don't know what your reservations about seeing someone but there are many options. For myself I had some reservations about attending SAA meetings. I didn't want to be grouped in with Sex addicts who have acted out in so many different ways besides Porn. I didn't know what to expect or how I would react to these people, but I realized that was just the voice of my inner addict trying to prevent me from getting the help I needed. When I finally went to my 1st SAA meeting the reality was so much better than what I imagined! I find these extremely helpful for me just having a group to stay accountable to. Its one thing to have accountability online, but its much different to have to look someone in the eye!

I have not seen a therapist, counselor or anything for my addiction, but I feel like what I'm doing now is working and I don't want to spend the money if I don't need to. That said, I have no problem going to therapy or counseling if I really need to! In the past I tried to tip toe around the idea of kicking my porn addiction. I went at it half heartedly not really serious about it and its no wonder I never saw any results. Its necessary to jump and simply commit to the process!

I truly wish you the best!

Eddie

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As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17

Welcome Boatlover,

One thing, nothing will work, no counselor, no SA meetings, no filtering software etc nothing unless you truly want to stop and improve your life. I understant the anxiety about seeing a therapist but if you are really ready to give this up they can help for sure just as every other thing out there, you have to find what works for you. Nothing will work though until you are really ready to give this up yourself though for yourself, not for your wife, not for your friends, not for your family or kids if you have them. It has to be for you and come from you.

Good luck!!!

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Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy