Feed the Right Wolf

Well - its a long sad story. First started looking at porn at 12 years old. A kid at school would steal porn mags (this was before the internet - I'm 34 years old) and he in turn would bring em to school and let kids take them home for 5 bucks a mag. I was hooked from the excitement and the feelings I got looking at it. I came from a home that never talked about sex and I was pretty naive. Seeing naked women was incredibly intoxicating. This led to renting adult videos when I turned 17 (I had fake ID) and then when the internet finally came around - it was like providing me with an endless supply of porn. I can remember as a young guy leaving friends houses and parties so I could go home and get some porn. The last two years of college were basically spent looking at porn on the internet and collecting a huge stash of pictures and videos on my computer. Looking back on it, I am angry that no one ever discussed porn, but the epidemic was just starting and no one could foresee that the internet would become such a wasteland for young men and their brains.

My wife and I are separated and are getting divorced. I now realize that the reason basically boils down to my porn addiction. Unlike some of you, I could never tell her. She would be crushed to know that I looked at porn throughout the marriage. I think she has been through enough pain that I put her through with my complete inability to have emotional intimacy with her. This has ended up hurting me more than anyone else, but I could not bear to tell her. I remember how hurt and pained she was when we basically stopped having sex (only once a month). She felt so rejected and she has told me that she felt fat and ugly. It is hard to type this as she is the one person I care about more than anyone else in the entire world including my own family. My porn addiction affected me in ways I am only beginning to understand. A couple good books for anyone interested:

[i]The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused By Pornography


Reading the material on YBOP was insightful. It made me realize the enormity of my 20 year+ addiction to porn and the implications on pathways in my brain. But it was also liberating to realize that I could do something about it.

So here I am - I come to you on Day 2. My goal involves no porn for the rest of my life (yes I know I may be setting myself up for failure but I am disgusted by the stuff right now.) I also want to have no masturbation or orgasm for 7 days to start and progress from there. Ultimately I would like to go to 90 days without masturbation or orgasm.

I am also facing issues of depression and anxiety related to the divorce. It is like my best friend (my wife) just died and I feel enormously sad about it. Basically, a year and a half ago I found out my wife had an affair. To be honest - I couldn't really blame her - I certainly was not providing any intimacy. We worked through the affair and then she told me that she does not want to have children with me. We tried working on things - but she left as I had absolutely no skills or abilities to handle intimacy and she basically fell out of love with me and it was obvious. We never really healed after the affair. I cant really express in words how crappy I feel losing my wife to something as absurd as pornography. Right now, it makes me sick. If any of you guys are in a relationship, especially those whose spouse may be supporting you - that is truly an amazing gift and you should be thanking whoever runs this universe for that.

This forum is a blessing. Thank you for creating it and giving us a place to work through these issues. I only WISH I had something like this for me 10 years ago. I could be happy with my wife and raising our children. Instead, I am 34, lost my best friend, my wife and I basically live alone and have few friends due to the anxiety and social issues that arose from looking at porn and keeping secrets for 20+ years. Despite this, I am actually feeling some goodness creep in, because I feel like I can tackle this issue and perhaps have some happy and healthy years ahead.

For healing,
JJ

Jimmyjama, welcome to the board. Sorry about all of your troubles. Your story sounds a lot like mine, except my porn habit has prevented me from ever getting married in the first place.

I may check out some of the books that you mention.

You have the right approach looking forward to the good times ahead and not dealing with the past. I am trying to do the same. It is easy to focus on all of the wasted time and things that you lost, but there is still a lot of potential good in the future. I don't know what your musical tastes are, but the new song by the Offspring (Days Go By) reminds me of that every time I hear it.

Hi Jimmyjama,

I wish my husband was on here and you could talk to him and give him a bit of a reality check. I fear that our marriage is headed where yours went. My husband is 36 and we have been together for twenty years, since high school. Your story sounds very similar to ours and I also had an affair but it was a long time ago but for the same reason as your wife, I was 20 or 21 at the time. My husband started off like you with magazines and pictures and then came the Internet. The only difference was I caught my husband, I also feel like your wife did fat, ugly, undesirable and worthless. I always knew something was wrong but didn't know what, I asked and was lied to for twent years until I found one website on our computer may 7th of this year, he had been deleting the history since he started using the Internet, that is a long time. I am here to support my husband and have been since I found out and have been taking great measures to heal myself from this trauma, the hurt is unbelievable. My husband however is another story, I don't think he fully realizes what he did or was doing, I don't think he understands the damage caused and I don't think he believes that I will ever leave. He seems to think I should trust him even though he lied to me and deceived me for twenty years and still has not stopped. He is not taking recovery or the work that needs to be done seriously and is not making it a priority and I really don't think he believes that I will ever leave because when I tell him my boundaries he ignores them and does whatever he wants and steps all over them.

I told him last night that we are seperating, I've had enough. Problem is we have two kids and
Neither one of us are able to financially move out. I told him that I will not sleep with him, have sex
With him, kiss or hug him or vice versa until he can prove his sincerity to recovery. He needs go show me that he wants a better life with me and for himself, I need proof by his actions not just words because his words mean nothing. We are living like room mates until I can see effort and the lying and shutting me out of his life stopping. I am not sure how this will work as
We are still in the same house but it will have to do for now

I really wish he would wake up as I find myself drifting further away from him and like my love is waning after all of this and nothing changing after me finding out and it was devastating and still is when I think about it. So sad and I hope he looks at what is going on and does something before its too late. We have no intimacy and he won't talk to me, I am alone and it has been like this our whole 13 year marriage and even years before that, I just didn't know what was going on

I am sorry about your wife but to be honest I can relate to her so much. It is very hard to love you with porn and intimacy/emotional problems and immaturity.

Thank you for posting here as it made me feel like not as much as a loser wife and someone else has been in my shows exactly.

You can do this and you can change your life for the better, be strong!!!

Take care

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Thanks for the reply Cappy. I sent you a pm response, hope you get a chance to look at it! I'm very sorry your husband is acting like he is.

Day 3 - I finally had a decent sleep last night (6 hours). Things are still relatively easy at this point for me as the depression has brought on a lack of libido and the first two days we not an issue. Today I felt some increase in my libido - but I am so aware of my urges and triggers now. I did up a sexual response plan after reading the emails Alex sends out, and that helped a lot to recognize the urges. My disgust over porn and masturbation and how it ruined my life are still very strong feelings so I am finding it relatively easy to resist any temptation. I don't know how long that will last, but realizing that it ruined the first half of my life is a pretty motivating factor.

I want to say thank you again for the blessing of this forum, it is helping so much!

JJ

P.S. I am going away for a short trip next week so don't know how much Ill be able to post. Ill be on my iphone to check the forum.

Day 4 I'm away from home so keeping busy. Can't write much as I am on my phone. One more day towards a healthier brain.

Hope all is good with you JJ and that you are hanging in there:)

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Day 5 and doing good. Still disgusted by the thought of porn. Thanks for the support Cappy!

Libido is slowly increasing but still zero urge to look at porn. Don't know how long this will last but right now I can't see myself going back to that garbage. I'm angry at the availability of porn. Why aren't lawmakers doing more to protect young men??? So much porn is available without a password and you know children are looking at it. Makes me sick to think about the young minds being affected and changed everyday by porn.

Day 6. Everything is going good. It's easier though when I am away from home, the sun is shining and I am really enjoying the benefits I have been feeling. After only 6 days without p/m/o I actually feel better. That's incredible! Absolutely no urges right now as my disgust towards porn is still very strong and I hope continues for the rest of my life.

I've been enjoying the increased libido. Lots of really good looking women around wearing summer clothes and I don't feel like a pervert. Ive been feeling more relaxed and talkative. Had strong morning wood and it felt great. Haven't felt that for like 10 years. I don't want to masturbate for fear of losing this feeling! Now I just need to focus on the depression over the divorce and losing my wife. I also need to stay strong as I know this winter is going to be hard. I live in Canada so it gets cold and I don't want to be alone and isolated. Need to work on developing my circle of friends and building a support network.

This forum is a blessing. Thanks Alex!

Hi JJ,

I am a fellow Canuck haha!!!! Good for you and your hard work:) It must be nice to see the benefits of your hard work paying off, keep how you feel as motivation to always move forward and not back. You can do this and are strong remember that.

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

JJ,

Your story hit me in the heart. I am in the exact same situation as you, except one year behind you. I am 33, just found out my wife had an affair, and now I am trying to keep her.
I really feel for you. The one thing I did right was that I confided my problem to my wife right after I found out about the affair. I figured she deserved to know. She took it quite well, although later it did hurt her. She is trying to decide whether to stay with me or move in with the other person. She said that I was emotionally distant, didnt listen to her, we were rarely intimate because it didnt work, and now she loves me as a brother. It hurt to hear those words. I had started this program 2 months prior, but it was too late.

I could be in your position in a year, but I got to 6 months clean until I caved in yesterday. I have come a long ways and want to continue fighting.
Do it for yourself, not for anyone else, but try to confide in someone close, even because we cant do this alone.

I'm right there with you, keep up the good work.

At least from here on in we can improve.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.