Hey forum mods, please forgive me for making another new threat, I just feel better when I'm organized and when I have a clean threat for a new try. This is the big one guys.
Today I fell. Day 10 beat me.
Ok, so this week has been so-so. Yesterday was rough. My girlfriend and I had an unpleasant conversation and time and it was sad, but in a way it had to happen. The way I see things now is that, heck, we're both teenagers in high school. I definitely believe our relationship is strong, genuine, and truly heartfelt. But I also believe we're in a time of great learning. Like we're both getting to know ourselves as well as each-other, and so I'm not so discouraged by our "fights" and rough times. As far as I'm concerned right now, they only make our relationship stronger as we learn more about one another and learn to appreciate even our weaker sides.
But let's be honest, life without a little conflict would be boring XD I'd be concerned if we DIDN'T have any problems. If everything was just peachy. Anyway, those conflicts last night have nothing to do with my fall today.
A few days ago, actually I believe it was day 8, I discovered something IMPORTANT regarding my battle against porn. I discovered a big trigger. My thoughts. But not like you'd think. Sure, I get tempted like any of you with thoughts of actual images, or scenes, or whatever, but they don't come even close to my number one mind temptation. Above all else I am tempted by search terms.
Search terms. Two days ago when I was unbelievably tempted to look up porn, I was tempted because I had a search term whizzing around in my head that popped out of nowhere. Search terms are so tempting because of the potential they carry! When I think of new search terms that I haven't yet looked up in my time of viewing porn, I immediately get excited and then INCREDIBLY curious. It's not even a lust problem anymore when you think about it, but a "curiosity killed the cat" kinda deal. Then my mind just zooms through possible images I could see and it imagines the "hidden treasure" and that immediately just puts me in a mindset I do not want to be.
The same happened this morning. I was getting ready for school and I had my Ipod touch. Ideas kept popping into my head. And the little voice inside said "a little peak won't hurt anyone..." Stupid little voice, I listened to it... Anyway, I was walking to my bus stop and when I finally lost internet connection, I cleared my history and everything and exited and just tried to foget about everything. Of course I couldn't. Those images returned to my mind every now and then throughout the day. I was presented with another tempting moment after school at home. I was studying for math (and using my ipod to take pictures of things in my text book so I could keep studying tomorrow morning on my bus and at school.) I was bored. Then I noticed and realized I had my Ipod in my hand and the tempting thoughts came back. Search terms. The thoughts of what kind of things could I find, what could I see.
Perhaps it's just my mindset still? I admit... I'm still very far off from total recovery. I know that I should be overjoyed in attempting to rid myself of porn, but I'm still in the stage where i'm unhappy and struggling. Like a child who's told to cut back on video games. I still feel like I'm losing something, even though I know very well logically that i'm actually gaining my freedom and a happier life.
Anyway, once I had fallen today that moment after school, a thousand things were running through my head. It's a really weird feeling having a bunch of brain chemicals pump around everywhere that make you feel good, really good, while at the same time feeling super sad and guilty about the deed. If my brain could talk it'd scream at me "ayo! What are you doin'! Get a holda yerself!"
But yeah I was so scared of telling my girlfriend! I'm always scared of telling her whenever i fall... it's the hardest news I could ever tell her. It hurts her and makes her feel bad and I don't like that. I also have a bad habit of being weak and falling and the worst possible time. Like the day before a date, or during a time when my girlfriend is already experiencing a lot of other stresses in life, or both... I should be cheering her up and making her happy! Not making things worse... But a part of me disagrees with this... I mean she's a human being, I'm a human being, and we're both intelligent people. Intelligent enough to know that everyone has problems and most problems can't just be postponed or delayed or changed simply to accommodate another's need or schedule... I fall when I fall regardless of other aspect of my, or her life. I just hate how it always happens to be at a bad time. But then again, it's
never a right time to sin...
So I went for a long walk debating and arguing with myself whether or not I should tell her. I had a plan to basically start over fresh tomorrow (it being the last day of school and the beginning of Summer vacation, which also marks the point of my increased commitment to staying away from porn.) So I tried to convince myself that today's falling didn't matter, that I could forget about it, and that it'll blow by. But I remembered a few things. Although not telling my girlfriend wouldn't be considered lying to her, per se, posting on this forum and saying I made it past day 10 would. And then indirectly I would still be lying to her since she can read this. I absolutely cannot lie to my girlfriend. I care for her and respect her too much. I'd feel like absolutely scum. I hate lying. I used to be such a bad liar whenever I was afraid of getting in trouble or whatever. But I've changed.
So I finally made the decision to tell her. I told her. I asked her to just first hear me out and let me finish explaining and to let me make a few requests.
Anyway, she forgave me... and she said it was ok (I was crying my brains out basically...) and I'll never forget this kindness and forgiveness. It's just so... I don't deserve it. But. I accept it.
So the good news isssss I got the K9 Web Filter for my computer AND my ipod. The one for the Ipod basically is a web browser in itself, and it replaces safari as my default browser. I went into settings and disabled safari completely. The problem with these is that for them to work right I need to set up a password so they're never taken off. But that's where good ol' girlfriend comes in to save the day.
Tomorrow I'm bringing my stuff to her house and we'll take a look at it and she'll make the password and I won't know it and I'll essentially be blocked off from porn and anything nude for good. At least on my own computer and my Ipod. This makes me SO happy! This will be our... nuke against pornography. Our perfect offensive and defensive.
With that said we take a new step into day number one and begin again. ^^
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how does that even work!? I always thought journals and diaries were stupid, and a very passive and horrible way of solving problems. But I feel like these angry emotions are just lifting off of my chest...