Feed the Right Wolf

I felt good today but i think thats the old me because i didnt have to discuss any of the past yet today. We agreed to go see a counselor guy about sexual health so that is a good thing. I am showing affection towards my wife in the little ways that i have always wanted to these last couple days and trying to respect her needs. I was always trapped in hating myself so whats the point to do those things cause she doesnt know me and if she did she wouldnt want me to do them. But she is still here supporting me knowing full well who i was and I want her to know how much I appreciate her help in dealing with all my bs. Ive found a couple courses and workshops I plan on taking so I am hoping they help. I also hope the psychologist can help me make sense of a few things. Hope tomorrow is a good day.
crash
Is someone getting the best of you?

Today sucks. She doesn't believe me today. I am telling the truth and she doesn't believe me and i dont think she should because of how many lies ive told. I want her to believe me but how?I told her the truth this weekend and she knows it was the truth because it hurt like hell but now it doesnt make sense to her and i dont expect it too.

Today still sucks. I am not even remotely tempted to act out. And yet my wife still finds me disgusting. I dont blame her I am still the man that ruined all her memories of us with this secret of mine. I let someone try and screw us around today and she called me on it and you know what shes right. My passive behaviour is still present. Sometimes it sure feels like my marriage is over. I made a plan for a date night tonight. I really want it to go well. I dont think it will but i can sure hope right? I am nervous about my psych evaluation next week. what if something is wrong with me? how can I deal with that especially if I'm on my own. I cant ask her to be there for me. not after all this but you know what she will probably be there. I think every day pushes her one step closer to the edge and she is gonna break. Just cause i'm doing something now doesnt make up for what i have done. How do people deal with all this crap in there heads? ive always just shoved it away and distracted myself with something anything else. I am getting a small piece of what she has had to deal with all the time. I am sorry.

Crash
Is someone getting the best of you?

Cant get past this sadness in three or four days now. Feeling rejected. Nothing like what she felt I'm sure. At least I know why. Told her I wanted to kiss her and stuff these last few days and she straight out rejected it. She has the right. Wish I hadn't f***ed up my marriage over this bulls**t. Wish I hadnt wrecked it at all actually. Must push thru this depression. WIll try to explain what I am feeling and wanting and see where it takes us.

Much better day today. Pushed thru some awkwardness last night and managed to actually have a good long talk with her. Felt good. We figured some stuff out I think. One day at a time.

Hi Crash,
I have been reading your posts and am with you buddy.
Relationships take time to be built and some times take time to rebuild. So you are going to have to be patient.
The fact that she is still with you says she is on your side and she wants the best for your relationship.
Things will grow back into place as you change from unwanted behaviour.
Focus on your honesty with yourself and her, then the integrity of your actions.
Trust is not a gift. It can be destroyed and it can be re-earned. You can do that!
Live truthfully and honestly before her and you will see things improve.
Be open with her about your thoughts and struggles. You may find a real supporter standing with you.

Crash, the biggest thing for me was becoming honest with myself. I stopped lying to myself.
I stopped making unjustified excuses that my behaviour was ok.
I decided I had to stand up and be a man even when no one is watching
and the only person it makes a difference to, was me. I like to call that integrity
and I am still working on it. Not quite perfect yet

I do wish you all the best with your challenges and success for the future.

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Thank you for the support. I have not been giving the recovery thing my whole heart yet. Little things here and there yes but not full on. I guess I am not smart enough to figure it out on my own. So I made a plan. I am going to do my recovery workbook at least 3 times a week and hopefully more. I am going to post on this forum everyday. I am going to ask questions of my wife and of all the others on this site when there is something I am having trouble with or do not understand. I will take others feedback not as a slight against me but as a constructive tool to help me grow into the man I should be. I am doing online counselling with my wife as well and going to see a psychologist for some of my issues. most of these ideas came from my wife or with the prompting from my wife. This is also something I want to change about me. To become more of a go getter. To fix and figure stuff out on my own. We also have a plan to be physical with each other. Any comments on this? I still feel the shame and guilt everyday for what I've put her thru. For ruining all her good memories of us with my choices. She didn't get a choice because i kept it from her.
Crash
Is someone getting the best of you?

Hey Crash,

In your own words you have made a commendable declaration. Well done for that!
That takes a lot of guts to say what you have said just now and a lot of guys just never 'get there'.

My suggestion is don't worry about any of it. Worry will kill you. Do, Do, o all the things you have said you will do.
Make absolutely sure to do every one of them.
Reassure your wife every day that you are trying. Tell her by words, deeds and results. Even small ones. Celebrate
along with us each little step forward.

Relax about it all. Don't stress and don't try to 'fix' everything.

Just fix yourself and give her back the 'real' man that you are! You have shown me you have the wisdom
to put all your Recovery Plan done in writing. That is a massive start. Congratulations.

I am will be reading your instalments with great interest.
All the best CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Hi Crash

Don't be too hard on yourself. As you go through recovery you will learn that being hard on yourself and judging yourself harshly is a specific area very hard for addicts and an area that addicts must learn to do differently on their journey of freedom and sobriety. I am not sure if you have heard the difference between guilt and shame, but it is important that you distinguish the two so that you can simultaneously own your responsibility while letting go of all shame.

When I first discovered my partner's addiction, everything that happened from there on for some time was "my idea". Figuring out recovery can take years and it wasn't until recently that he began "having his own ideas". If you are in a relationship, I think it's a good think to try to look at recovery as a joint effort. You are entirely 100% willing and open, as she is, and so it doesn't matter whose idea what was. Just give it your effort and your attention.

Does that make any sense? Either way, don't worry. Going through what you two are going through is an extremely intensive journey and a lot of times you will feel as if you're gong backwards before you go forward.

I'm glad to see you posting here and acknowledging your addiction and areas you want to work on. Insight and the ability to recognize problems is going to be your greatest tool and something you will see grow exponentially as it is an area that addiction either stunts or completely turns off.

FP

today I learnes how to appologize. almost. to see and feel the hurt you have caused someone and to feel remorse for you actions that caused the hurt. not to make yourself feel better but to let the other know that you will do your best not to make that same mistake again. My partner is amazing at helping me see the light of the things i do or the way i behave sometimes. i am very happy that she is trying to help make me a better person ( even though it may not seem it when she gets loud). I have to let her be loud and vent her feelings and emotions. thats part of why we are together. I had an energy about me today that i dont know where it came from exactly but I believe I was very excited for our big outting this weekend and it carried over into my work day. still have lots to work on but all in all today was better.