Feed the Right Wolf

Daily Checklist:
Healthy Hydration (>6 glasses of water)
Healthy Eating
Praying Evening
Reading Recovery Literature
Physical Exercise - Spring cleaning!

X Healthy sleep
X ERP exercises

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
Contentment, Satisfaction - despite everything, this was probably the dominant feeling during the day. Contentment from getting out and enjoying the sunshine, and interacting with other people. Satisfaction from spending some time thouroghly cleaning my living room, making it a far better space to relax in.

Remorse - early on, some lingering sadness later in the day.


Strong Negative Beliefs that Were Affecting Your Day:
"I am a bad person." Simply not true. Yes there are some issues in my life which I need to work on, but I am dealing with these as best I can, and nobody's perfect. I've also achieved a lot of good things, which wouldn't be the case if I was downright 'bad'.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improve your Social Skill today:
Talking to neighbours.
Spending time at my local library (about 1/2 hour) and at church.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
Found £5 whilst cleaning up (actually, that's what got me started )
I enjoyed taking my time browsing through the bookshelves at our local library, usually if I visit I zoom in, grab what I want and zoom out. Found 5 different books, all from different sections, which I'll enjoy reading over the next few weeks. Also enjoyed talking to the librarian about one of my choices.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
Local services like the library. Also police and fire services - A major fire broke out at an industrial unit across from the library whilst I was there, which took over an hour to bring under control. This would undoubtedly have had far more serious consequences had there been no one on hand to deal with it effectively.
My car - lots of driving around today, partly due to the aforementioned fire, but also roadworks and other diversions.
Radio.
Sunny weather.

Anything else you would like to add?

Just over 24 hours sober.

Your friend in recovery.

AA

Daily Checklist:
Healthy Hydration (>6 glasses of water)
Healthy Eating
Praying Morning Evening
Reading Recovery Literature
Physical Exercise - Spring cleaning!
ERP exercises

X Healthy sleep

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
Frustration - not getting things done as quickly as I'd like (but they are getting done).

Contentment, Satisfaction - Quite relaxed otherwise, despite having to work, and I made sure I took time out for breaks. Also less stressful at home without piles of clutter everywhere.

Strong Negative Beliefs that Were Affecting Your Day:
"I won't get finished on time" - and I haven't, but the world didn't end so I'll just continue to make progress where I can.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improve your Social Skill today:
Talking to neighbours.
Taking two of my lodger's children out for a walk and to play with my dogs.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
Really productive day. Broke my work up into 1/2 hour chunks with short breaks between them. Allowed myself a lazy morning, though, and a decent break half way through the afternoon to get out of the house.


Things You are Thankful for Today:
Central heating - whilst it was a beautifully sunny day, it was rather cold.
Children visiting - This almost always cheers me up.

Anything else you would like to add?

Hardly getting any sleep, still. About 3-4 hours last night and totally disoriented this morning.
Huge amount of work done yesterday, though, and beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel there.

Another 24 hours sober.

Your friend in recovery.

AA

Hi y'all

Discovered another recovery blog today at http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/ called "love you, hate the porn"

First impressions are good. One of the latest posts "Don't Fight Your Urges, Cure Your Cravings" from March 10th describes the difference between reacting to a craving, and responding to one with mastery, using a process a somewhat similar to a mini ERP.

I'll leave you to follow the link, as Mark (the author) does a much better job than I can of explaining this, but I'd like to share a quote from an earlier post which seems to be where the idea grew from:


I think it is.

Your friend in recovery,

AA

"As I walk Away"

I like that

P.S. As much as I love ERP I believe that is the spiritual work that I did in Sex Addicts Anonymous that helped me to achieve the longer period of sobriety.

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

Hello again!

Not posted much the last few days, but I have been behaving myself.

Crazy busy at work, but only have to put up with that for another 3 (work) days, until Monday, and with any luck only really tomorrow if I manage to get where I'm hoping.

Self Care has been a little erratic, especially meals and sleeping, but I've been, and am, much calmer than I would have expected. Normally by now, I'd have worked myself up into a frenzy, but for the time being I've just.... not. Could be I'm just too tired to get worked up, but I don't think so. My whole attitude towards life seems to be improving recently, despite the occasional bouts of anxiety or frustration. So - prayer, reading, meditating etc pretty good; exercise, healthy eating and sleeping somewhat worse.

The emotions that I've noticed most over the last few days have been - Gratitude, optimism, and trust on the plus side, fear, anxiety, frustration and anger on the minus, however I've had more pluses than minuses. Did have a fleeting feeling of lust when I ran across a topless photo in a newspaper on Tuesday but I wasn't drawn to dwell on it, and put the paper away (trite news content anyway).

Main problematic belief has been "I'm not going to finish my work on time", but I'm starting to challenge that now. If it can be done, I can do it!

Apart from travelling in connection with work, and meeting with customers, I also played in a chess match yesterday evening, and helped the club relocate today, as the old venue is now closing. I am planning on going to an SA meeting tomorrow, provided I get enough done (and probably even if I don't.)

I am grateful for people at work who have been helping me get finished, my dogs, for keeping me company, and always being pleased to see me, my neighbours and friends at the chess club. Lots of other things too, like this website, my PC, electric lights, etc. etc, without which I would not be typing this right now!

I am beginning to learn to step back and relax, even when under pressure. I've a way to go yet, but it's a start.

I'm sober since Saturday morning, so about 4 1/2 days now.

AA

Hi AA,

I hope you are doing well.

I know that posting online probably gets tiring after a while, and I believe you already got the benefit that you needed out of that exercise.

Just wanted to say thank you for your dedication towards your recovery!

Keep us posted from time to time on your progress,
Alex

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

Thank you Alex,

I haven't stopped posting because I don't want to, but because of the volume of work I need to get through before a project completion handover meeting on Monday. It is vitally important that this goes well to the company I'm working for if they hope to get further work, and, consequently, to give me further work. However, it has easily been the most stressful job I've worked on in years.

Having said that, I've noticed a lot of positive things. One thing that stands out is how I've not been particularly tempted to return to the porn, despite the fact that this is the sort of thing that would drive me to it in the past. Thursday evening for example, I really wanted to get out to the SAA meeting, but just couldn't justify taking the time. I was feeling particularly stressed, and that is the only time this week I can recall really 'feeling the urge'. However, as soon as I noticed I was being triggered, a counter thought popped up to the effect that "OK, but you're not really interested in that stuff any more, are you?" and that was about that. The feeling subsided, and I was able to carry on with what I was supposed to be doing.

I can't remember anything like that ever having happened before. I'm pretty convinced that if I hadn't interrupted myself, I'd have been acting out fully within 2 - 3 minutes from that point. Previously I'd have had to fight to regain control, this time I simply dismissed it.

I'm not saying I don't have sexual feelings any more, they come and go throughout the day. Provided I don't dwell on them, I can keep them in perspective and they remain manageable, pleasant even. It's when I obsess that I have difficulty.

The strangest thing is that since Thursday evening, I've been in a particularly good mode. I never really noticed how miserable I was before. I'm even feeling confident about my work, which is weird because it still seems no nearer to completion. The only thing that has really changed is cutting back on the porn and masturbation. I've been doing other things like praying, meditating, reading, listening to positive CDs (esp. Zig Ziglar) etc., but I've done all of those in the past, and never really noticed this result. I just feel good about myself.

Anyway gotta go, I was supposed to be writing my 'normal' journal, but I've gotten sidetracked and run out of time.

Maybe later today?

Take care,

AA.

Daily Checklist:
Healthy Hydration (>6 glasses of water)
Healthy Eating, except Thursday.
Praying Morning and Evening, except Thursday.
Reading Recovery Literature - mostly online.
Meditating.

X Healthy sleep. Thursday night particularly bad as I worked through. Got an early night yesterday, though.
X Physical exercise
X ERP - have missed these the last couple of days.

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
Intermittent Anxiety. Main driver for this is my work project, which should be winding down from Monday. Need to make sure I take a breather before taking on anything new.

Contentment, Satisfaction, Optimism - Still feeling calm the rest of the time, and as I think I mentioned in my last post I've got this weird confidence that 'everything is going to be fine' despite any evidence indicating otherwise.

Strong Negative Beliefs that Were Affecting Your Day:
"I won't get finished on time" - not as insistent as before, but still cropping up every so often. I think it's changing slightly now to "I'll barely get finished on time" with implications for the quality of my work.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improve your Social Skill today:
Getting a haircut and chatting with the hairdresser! Phone calls, visiting a local office and meeting one of my colleagues for the first time. Church, visiting mum and cutting her lawn [I was rewarded with a delicious lunch, so not entirely altruistic there.]

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
I discovered I have far more stamina than I thought I had, and can get a huge amount done if I put my mind to it.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
My dogs, who've been wonderful companions whilst I've been working from home.
My work colleagues, who've generally been exceedingly helpful over the last couple of days.
The internet - a bit of a double edged sword, perhaps, but tons of good stuff out there if you know how to find it. e.g. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cup ... oned-arrow
My CD players - which have been getting abundant use recently, not to mention the CDs themselves and everyone involved in producing them.

Anything else you would like to add?

A week sober (Hooray!!) and significantly less 'effort' involved in getting here than previously. Just realised it has been five weeks since I started on this path and I've only had 4 episodes of acting out over that period. Since I seem to be most vulnerable immediately after a slip, at least two of those episodes have been double features, but even so that is amazing progress.

I can distinctly remember when I started that I *knew* I couldn't possibly succeed, so it wasn't worth trying, but I tried anyway and I'm very glad I did. There's a long way to go. Hopefully any future slips will be fewer and further between. Progress, not perfection. I've still got a quick fix mentality, but I'm working on it.

There's a half formed idea at the back of mind which I'm having difficulty expressing, but I'd like to say to anyone reading this who's even thinking of trying to give up the porn to just give it a shot. Put aside any expectations of success or failure and just try. Even if you just do it as an experiment. "I'll give up the porn for maybe four weeks, and if I still miss it I can always start again."

According to a report I heard recently, most people who give up smoking succeed on their third attempt. There is a professional exam I have taken which has an abysmal pass rate (<50%) and fewer than 10% of people who take the courses for it even attempt the exam. However practically everyone who attempts the exam, even once, eventually passes. Again, most people pass on their second or third try. It took me six attempts (IIRC) to pass my driving test, but I finally did it. This is my second attempt (after about 4 years) to give up the porn. I wish I'd started sooner.

OK, enough rambling, I trust you get the idea.

Your friend in recovery.

AA

Daily Checklist:
Healthy Hydration (>6 glasses of water)
Healthy Eating
Praying Morning and Evening
Reading Recovery Literature
Exercise - 1 hour out with the dogs.

X Healthy sleep - didn't help that the clocks went forward last night.
X ERP - but I did read through my statements, and write them out again.

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:

Anxiety and frustration. Everything seems to be taking longer than I expect, and I've found it very hard to focus.

Sadness - called a friend and found out that one of her dogs (my dog's younger sister) has died from a siezure and heart attack. She was only about four years old.

Contentment - whilst playing with my dogs and chatting to other owners on our walk.

Strong Negative Beliefs that Were Affecting Your Day:
Not sure how to sum this up succinctly, but (especially this morning) I've been bothered by the insistent thought that "since I've been sober for over a week, I must be due for a relapse." Tiredness, and an inability to concentrate haven't helped.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improve your Social Skill today:
Church and visiting my mum this morning. Walking the dogs early this afternoon. Also calling a couple of friends whom I haven't spoken to for a while.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
Going to the office this evening to do some work. The place was completely deserted, but getting out of the house helped to calm me down and enabled me to concentrate better.
Going out for a walk earlier had a similar calming effect (and I got to talk to people. )

Things You are Thankful for Today:
Microwave ovens - without which I probably wouldn't have eaten this evening! And freezers - without which I wouldn't have had anything to put in the oven!!


Anything else you would like to add?

Another 24 hours sober, but quite a struggle today. I'm in a pretty good place at the moment, though.

Your friend in recovery.

AA

Thats good stuff my friend. I can get through about 6 days then in an istant of weakness i will give in, but i will never give up. Today is day 6 and im tired and just had a bad fight with my wife, bad combination, but at least i can recognize it. Thanks for your example and now im gonna go pray and get into some word and get off this computer before i do something i dont want to do.
God bless you, Eric