It has been almost a year since my last post here. A lot of things had happened in my life.
Now, I'm in final semester for my course in the university. 2 days later will be the beginning of the final examination.
To be honest, the addiction is still there. I don't know what has happened.. It seems that I'm inconsistent with the effort to break free from the habit. The longest period that I managed to be sober was 10 days. And it was once in a while.
That 10 days of sobriety, had strong connection with my romance live. About several months ago, I made a confession of feeling toward my female friend, to be precise, online female friend, enduring years of relationship. I proposed her. And she accepted. She said, she also shared the same feeling, but kept it as a secret for years.. That was my very first mutual romantic relationship in my life. Due to that event, I managed to be sober for 10 days in a row. It was fantastic and wonderful, the feeling of limerence, the passionate feeling of love and to be loved, which drove me crazy, and that sensation made me forget about my addiction, before I fell down again.
Recently, about several weeks ago, she asked to break the relationship.. And I thought it was OK. Because she said, it was only for a while, and indeed, we're still young. The road to marriage is still far away. I couldn't disagree anymore. She was right. Besides, she is too busy, preparing for her examination, and also for a world-level competition that she is participating with her colleagues. So, I thought, it should be OK. But it turned out to be worse, for me. I feel a irreplaceable hollow in my heart, even right now.. Usually, I would text her, or chat online ( I had call her twice before the break-up). After the event, it's hurting me so much, because I couldn't connect with her romantically as before.. I had cried almost everyday... I felt so lonely, very very lonely.. Later, I text her again, saying about the impact of her decision to me. She then replied me, saying that she just wanna be a free girl for the time being, breaking-up the tie also doesn't mean that she wants to have a serious relationship with other guy (that's what she replied). She asked me to be busy, and be patient and optimist for the future. I happily accepted her response, thinking that there's still hope.
After that hopeful message, I tried to reconnect with my friends, and tried to enliven the idealism spirit of myself in organization. Step by step.. That was about 7 days of no connection with her.
Just about 4 days ago, she contacted me again, saying sorry for keeping silence for a long time (a week of no update from her), she just finished seating her final exam. I replied back, with superficial happy answer.. No response.. I text her again yesterday, saying that I was in better condition than the time she asked to break the tie, that I had accepted the fate, that the event pushed me to search for what I really want out of my life, I thanked her for seeing the bigger picture, and wishing her luck for her participation in that world-level competition. She then replied, saying sorry for not replying, because too busy packing her belongings for the competition. She wished that we maintain the contact with each other (at least at a moderate level). She also said to me to consider about the recent broke-of-tie between us, as a fate, and she even wished me to have a better future spouse. Then, I don't reply.. Perhaps that should be enough. Sadly.. The feeling of emptiness and hollow comes again.. And it is very painful... I don't know.. She said nothing about her status, but I am so pessimist about it..
This morning, I fell down again (the sobriety period is just about 1 to 3 days long). Now, I'm home, after leaving the hostel and the study for final examination, searching for remedy to cure my loneliness.. Sadly, it is yet to be cured..
I realized, since 10 years of my addiction, I don't really have close friends.. Maybe I had.. But due to the constant connection with the addiction, I indirectly gave up the building of relationship with them, and as the time goes by, most of my relationship with friends is shallow.. I'm home to see my younger brother, whom I believe, I have shared almost everything about my life, even about the addiction. Hopefully, he will listen to me and offer some insights..
I'm worried about the exam, my parents' hope, but the sad emotion overpower me, that I lose the mood to study.
I'm hardly forgetting my female friend... I know, our relationship is very weird.. But I miss her.. I miss her demure look, warm face, and the memories that we had, even though only through digital communication. I feel that she betrayed me.. But I still love her.. It is a love-hate feeling.
I feel so tired with my on-going struggle that shows not much positive progress.. I feel like giving up..
I feel lonely... But I'm clueless to whom should I befriend with.. I'm longing for the intimate soulful relationship with someone who can be called as friend..
... Besides my brother, perhaps you guys, my friends in recovery, are the only outlet for me to share my sorrow.. I'm clueless for what should I do now..
"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf