Feed the Right Wolf

Hello.

Just trying to share with fellow friends here . This is the hardest thing for me to do, which is to disclose my addiction. I have to fight this feeling. Thanks to the friends in recovery, "an onymous" and "SadMax" for sharing your journals with us. You guys inspire me to write here as well.

A little bit about my background. I'm still studying at university. Now is semester break, so I'm living with parents.

Today, I have past 24 hours since my last act out (today, 22 Nov. 2010, Monday).

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Last act out, 21 Nov. 2010 - Sunday
Reasons for my last act-out:

- p/s: Until 21 Nov. 2010 - Sunday, I had past 48 hours clean without porn and masturbation.

1. Feeling unappreciated:
- Mom nagged my younger siblings for not doing house chores. The event brought me the past memories when I was young, which was the same experience faced by my younger siblings (being nagged and punished). I felt unappreciated by my mom even though I had done something to ease her.

2. Jealousy:
- My cousin paid a visit to my house, inviting me to his home to try his newly-learned recipe. He said, he learned it from his foreign friend.
- Jealous for his ability to cook well and his outrageous interpersonal skill.

3. Reasons of 1 and 2 were strong enough, surpassing my ability to think rationally.

Debate the Reasons:

1. Feeling unappreciated:
- Mom only in bad mood when she was tired. She won't be angry with my siblings / me if she has enough rest.
- Sometimes, she didn't realize the house chores done by us. When she realized them, she will be delighted.

2. Jealousy:
- He is an extrovert, I'm an introvert.
- Being introvert does not mean that I can't socialize. I just need to learn the necessary skills to mingle with the people.
- I have different special abilities than my cousin. I love to write, he doesn't. I love to read extensively, he doesn't. I'm organized, he doesn't. See! I am special with my own strengths.
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22 Nov. 2010, Monday:

-Thank God, I'm still clean today.

Negative feelings today:

1. Guilty:
- My aunt, next to my house, questioned me for my inability to come to my cousin's house to test his new recipe.

2. Irritated:
- During the prayer at the prayer house, I realized, my friend H was beside me. I wasn't comfortable with him. He was 'religious', and very forceful, when it comes for him to invite me to the youth's religious activities.

Debate the feelings:

1. Guilty:
- Due to my act out yesterday, I was unable to visit my cousin.
- It may be hard for me to confront him to say sorry, but that's the best thing to do.

2. Irritated:
- I listened to my mind to stay at the prayer house until the prayer was finished.
- Indeed, the person next to me wasn't my friend H. He just resembled the H.
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I realized that I'm too isolated from the public, except from my close relatives. Every friends/people that I'm not comfortable with, I will avoid them, no matter what. For all this while, I'm not daring enough to face the challenges. Instead, I opt for the quick-fix to replace my negative feelings, i.e. to isolate myself and wank + porn.

Glad that I manage to finish typing until now.

Please guide me, especially our guru, Alex Wolf, and other friends-in-recovery.

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"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

Thank you for sharing Desitny!

I have two comments:

1. I am not a guru and I hope I never claimed to be one. I am just like you, with similar struggles. I would much rather be called your friend in recovery, if you don't mind calling me your friend.

2. Isolation - was and still is one of the biggest challenges in my life, but I have made a tremendous progress. What country do you live in, if you you don't mind me asking? The reason that I wanted to know is because I was thinking may be I could suggest you a few safe places to try out to help you get out of your isolation.

For me going (forcing myself to go) to a 12 step group was a first step towards overcoming my isolation. When I got a sponsor, he only agreed to sponsor me if I committed to going to 3 meetings a week, and making 2 phone calls a day to people in recovery. It was a crazy commitment for me to accept, but I knew that I either had to learn to get out of my comfort zone, or leave a life of isolation.

I know that 12 step meetings might not be available for you, but it does not have to be the only option. Any form of community would do the trick. You've mentioned a friend of yours who asked you to go to a religious gathering, may be it's God's way of pointing you towards the right direction? May be not, but I just wanted to throw it out there.

In any case I do believe that you will benefit greatly from finding a community of people that you can relate to and feel safe enough to force yourself to continue showing up consistently for a period of time.

Bringing the story back to my sponsor, when I asked him how log did I have to go to 3 meetings a week, he said " Continue to do it, until you begin to want to do it". And he was right. The more I forced myself to be around people the easier it became. Yes I still wouldn't call myself a complete people's person, but I no longer hide in my room all day, neither do I avoid talking to people in my life be that family, co-workers, people I meet in random life satiations etc.

You know what I realized just a few days ago? One of the things that I enjoy much more than acting out today, is sharing a good meal with a good friend. It just makes me feel good inside while I do it, and it makes me feel good after I am done. I know that you will also learned to structure your life in a similar way to maximize moments like that. Just keep on forcing yourself to be around people, until you would want to be around people

Your friend in recovery,
Alex

P.S. I hope you found the experience of journaling, as well as sharing with others beneficial, it does wonders for me!

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

Hi Destiny

I've been clean for about 4 days now, I don't really like counting days but we can talk about that some other time. Today my uncle and cousin came by and I gave my uncle a hug, now I understand that that doesn't seem like a big deal but I normally don't hug people cause of my OCD which is now kinda linked to my addiction, I woulda shaked his hand but I was wearing gloves inside the house, my family knows I have OCD but not the relatives and I didn't want anyone to think I was trying to avoid touching hands much like a surgeon would wear gloves when operating so I gave him a hug instead like Martin Lawrence in Blue Streak but the hug lasted a little longer than I thought and it wasn't a manly pat on the back like I hoped, it was more of an "I’m going to squeeze you kind of hug" and the fact that I actually felt his beard stubble on my face made it a little awkward, so anyway it's been bothering me all day I keep wishing I’d have just shaked his hand instead, in fact when I got on my computer I thought I was gonna start watching porn but instead I' read your journey and the comments Alex wrote on my page so instead of acting out I shared and wrote bout that which was bothering me and would inevitably have become my trigger, I don’t feel better yet but I’m going to talk to my mother about the hug and OCD, at least writing this gave me time to think, I hope I don't try to act out a second time.

Hang in there

Hello my friends !

I was sweating like hell before I entered the forum, had pessimistic thinking about the negative feedback from others. Indeed, I am wrong!

Pardon me, Alex. I'm just amazed by your achievement , and you even willing to share your knowledge and experience with us. Thank you . I'm not yet ready to disclose my location, scared if the any one that I know discover my writings here. About the addiction, is it possible that most of us who are struggling with porn are loner by nature?

Hi Max ! Thanks, for your comment. Wish to know your current progress as well. I believe, ERP might help your problem with OCD as well,?

Really wish to have a live chat with you guys.

Since the last update, I wasn't sober at all.. Too chaotic life. I let myself be controlled by the negative feelings.

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26 November 2010, Friday - Unclean, acted out, morning.

Daily Checklist:
Praying
Healthy Eating (3 healthy meals + 2 healthy snacks)
Journaling

Strong Emotions That I Felt During the Day:
-Sad and disappointed when acted out.
-Very happy. A close friend replied my e-mail.
-Felt sorry for my friend (which I'm not in favour with), I ignored his phone calls for several times, and yet to reply him.

Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting My Day:

Belief - People at my age are personally-developed well. My cousin at the same age of mine, very independent, can study, cook, make friends, generate income, etc... etc... See, Taylor Swift, she's famous and rich, she gains from her own effort. Me? Still depending on my parents for money, food, etc..etc..
The truth - I might be left behind, but it is never too late for me to learn the skills needed to be independent. The skills are able to be learned, instead of spending my time on pornography, I can utilize it to be spent on developing skills.

How did I get out of Isolation/ Improved my Social Skill today:
-Going to a religious class. Made a new friend there, had a nice chat with him.

Positive things that I Learned/Experienced Today:
I acknowledged that without effort, knowledge will be meaningless and vice versa. Knowledge + Effort = Succes

Things I am Thankful for Today:
To have understanding friends in recovery here. What a relieve to have friends to support me throughout the struggle ^_^ . Hopefully we will be interdependent.

_________________
"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

massed up too yesterday.
slept most of the day today, couldn't face myself. i want us to try to not act out anymore for the rest of the year.

27 November 2010, Saturday - Sober, for more than 24 hour, moving to 48 hour. It's getting a little bit uncomfortable now ....

Daily Checklist:
7 Hours of Sleep
Praying
Healthy Eating (3 healthy meals + 2 healthy snacks)
Reviewing Positive Believes
Journaling

Strong Emotions That I Felt During the Day:
-Optimistic, a sense of confidence that I can overcome the addiction.
-Sad and angry, mom teasing me to control my eating habit.
-Relief. I called back friend that I ignored the phone calls.

Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting My Day:

Belief - The critiques of people to me symbolize that I'm worthless, incapable of contributing to others. I'm unaccepted by them.
The truth - God has created me perfectly. I'm equipped with the strengths and weaknesses as well. The people's critiques do not mean that they don't accept me. Through the mention of my weaknesses, they give clearer view to me on which areas of myself that I should pay attention to improve.

How did I Improved my Social Skill today:
-Went to a telephone shop today. I spoke a little bit in the native language of the salesgirl (pretty ), she seemed to be shocked and a little bit impressed.
-Had small talks with workers of the Recycling Center, about how they process the junk items.
-Accompanied my family to wedding ceremony.

Positive things that I Learned/Experienced Today:
Learn to accept myself, the strengths and the flaws. Several days ago, I discovered a new technique that seems to give the same result as ERP, but with different method. It is called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or Tapping Technique. Actually, it is the words of affirmation that catch my attention. "Even-though I have this feeling, I deeply and completely accept myself.. "

Things I am Thankful for Today:

I watched a drama called "Queen Sized". About a huge girl, Maggie, who was initially being nominated to be a Homecoming Queen by a bully. However, it turned out that she won the vote for the position! Then the story proceed on how she was blackmailed by the bullies, etc.. etc.. and how she faced the real issues, instead of resorting to food consumption only. I'm inspired by Maggie, on the way she convinced people to see others based on their qualities, not on appearances. Besides that, she dares to quit from her isolation to face the challenges that she had avoided before. Plus, with the help of her supporters, friends and family, she managed to handle the challenges that come after the post-election of the Homecoming Queen. Although many people boo her a lot of people cheer for her too. Maggie realizes that she not only won Homecoming Queen but she changed herself as well.

I don't know much of the American's high-school life. But I can relate the problem that Maggie had with my addiction as well.. It's some sort of escapism instead of facing the harsh reality. Since I can't handle painful challenges in my daily life well, I take porn in order to make me feel happy (the beauties, the euphoria) to cure the pain. The addiction is a symptom, the real problem is within myself.

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p/s:
-Alex, I wonder, maybe there's relation between the introverted personalities with the addiction to porn. Isn't it?
-Hi Max , hope you won't be sad anymore. Wish to see HappyMax after this . I know it is so sad when the ideal life that we imagine, can't be achieved. I'm experiencing that too. But we need to be realistic as well. Happiness can't be achieved in an overnight, it requires process. Like what Alex has said, never give up on the recovery process . Why don't you register your name? Maybe we can have some PM in the future, live chat, etc.

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"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

let me know if you'd like to play playstation online it would be nice distraction from our probs

Destiny,

I first wanted to commend you on your progress it really sound like you are working (as opposed to wanting to work) your program of recovery, and I can tell that you are learning to better understand yourself.

I do believe that there is a connection between introverted people and porn addiction. I also believe that learning to connect to others in healthy intimate ways is one of the best tools to remain free from this addiction for a long period of time.

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

It has been almost a year since my last post here. A lot of things had happened in my life.

Now, I'm in final semester for my course in the university. 2 days later will be the beginning of the final examination.

To be honest, the addiction is still there. I don't know what has happened.. It seems that I'm inconsistent with the effort to break free from the habit. The longest period that I managed to be sober was 10 days. And it was once in a while.

That 10 days of sobriety, had strong connection with my romance live. About several months ago, I made a confession of feeling toward my female friend, to be precise, online female friend, enduring years of relationship. I proposed her. And she accepted. She said, she also shared the same feeling, but kept it as a secret for years.. That was my very first mutual romantic relationship in my life. Due to that event, I managed to be sober for 10 days in a row. It was fantastic and wonderful, the feeling of limerence, the passionate feeling of love and to be loved, which drove me crazy, and that sensation made me forget about my addiction, before I fell down again.

Recently, about several weeks ago, she asked to break the relationship.. And I thought it was OK. Because she said, it was only for a while, and indeed, we're still young. The road to marriage is still far away. I couldn't disagree anymore. She was right. Besides, she is too busy, preparing for her examination, and also for a world-level competition that she is participating with her colleagues. So, I thought, it should be OK. But it turned out to be worse, for me. I feel a irreplaceable hollow in my heart, even right now.. Usually, I would text her, or chat online ( I had call her twice before the break-up). After the event, it's hurting me so much, because I couldn't connect with her romantically as before.. I had cried almost everyday... I felt so lonely, very very lonely.. Later, I text her again, saying about the impact of her decision to me. She then replied me, saying that she just wanna be a free girl for the time being, breaking-up the tie also doesn't mean that she wants to have a serious relationship with other guy (that's what she replied). She asked me to be busy, and be patient and optimist for the future. I happily accepted her response, thinking that there's still hope.

After that hopeful message, I tried to reconnect with my friends, and tried to enliven the idealism spirit of myself in organization. Step by step.. That was about 7 days of no connection with her.

Just about 4 days ago, she contacted me again, saying sorry for keeping silence for a long time (a week of no update from her), she just finished seating her final exam. I replied back, with superficial happy answer.. No response.. I text her again yesterday, saying that I was in better condition than the time she asked to break the tie, that I had accepted the fate, that the event pushed me to search for what I really want out of my life, I thanked her for seeing the bigger picture, and wishing her luck for her participation in that world-level competition. She then replied, saying sorry for not replying, because too busy packing her belongings for the competition. She wished that we maintain the contact with each other (at least at a moderate level). She also said to me to consider about the recent broke-of-tie between us, as a fate, and she even wished me to have a better future spouse. Then, I don't reply.. Perhaps that should be enough. Sadly.. The feeling of emptiness and hollow comes again.. And it is very painful... I don't know.. She said nothing about her status, but I am so pessimist about it..

This morning, I fell down again (the sobriety period is just about 1 to 3 days long). Now, I'm home, after leaving the hostel and the study for final examination, searching for remedy to cure my loneliness.. Sadly, it is yet to be cured..

I realized, since 10 years of my addiction, I don't really have close friends.. Maybe I had.. But due to the constant connection with the addiction, I indirectly gave up the building of relationship with them, and as the time goes by, most of my relationship with friends is shallow.. I'm home to see my younger brother, whom I believe, I have shared almost everything about my life, even about the addiction. Hopefully, he will listen to me and offer some insights..

I'm worried about the exam, my parents' hope, but the sad emotion overpower me, that I lose the mood to study.

I'm hardly forgetting my female friend... I know, our relationship is very weird.. But I miss her.. I miss her demure look, warm face, and the memories that we had, even though only through digital communication. I feel that she betrayed me.. But I still love her.. It is a love-hate feeling.

I feel so tired with my on-going struggle that shows not much positive progress.. I feel like giving up..

I feel lonely... But I'm clueless to whom should I befriend with.. I'm longing for the intimate soulful relationship with someone who can be called as friend..

I'm sad.. ... Besides my brother, perhaps you guys, my friends in recovery, are the only outlet for me to share my sorrow.. I'm clueless for what should I do now..

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"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

Destiny,

I am new to this forum but I am an old hand at heartbreak. I think what you need to know is that it is OK to feel a loss at breaking up with your female friend. You would not have a normal set of emotions if you did not feel loss and loneliness. Developing strong emotional ties to other people is one of the greatest blessings of being human. Those bonds have the ability to bring some of the greatest joys that we may experience to our lives. So what is an introvert like you or myself for that matter to do? Statistically speaking most new relationships begin with the greeting "hello." Maybe where you live the greeting is different but the goal is the same. It may be the beginning of your next real friendship, male or female.

So I will start, "Hello Destiny, I am crossingnevada. It is very nice to meet you." " I look forward to reading your posts while I work my recovery."

I would simply suggest that tomorrow, whenever that is where you are, you set a small goal; to say "hello" to someone you have not met before.

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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -AA or Albert Einstein