Feed the Right Wolf

I have finally realized I have been addicted to porn since gr 5 or so. This has had a huge impact in my life. My wifecto which I have been married to for a year and a half asked me to move out after she noticed some chat software was installed in the past on my phone. I did not have a camera on my phone so the chat thing was a waste of 15 minutes or so. However when I went to sync my phone with my new phone listed some chat programs that I had in the past installed on my phone. Around that time I later got caught by my wife watching porn on my phone late after she had gone to bed. I was also drinking too much at the time, this occurred a month before our planned honeymoon trip. She was so upset and so hurt that she wanted uscto separate, which we did, eventually getting back together. However 6 months later, back to the same problem. I watch porn every now and then when I am alone, lonely and bored. I have used it to release stress and try to get back to sleep, problem is I get bored of seeing the same crap and contingent times to completely waste mg time. I desire to get my life back and to get rid of this harmful addiction that I have never dealt with. I grew up in a loveless European house where felt lonely and ignored. I have viewed porn since then and married someone I should have never married, there were signs of her cheating on me before we got married and also while we were married. I used porn as a way to get back at her. Eventually I got divorced from her and then continued my porn addiction, at times neglecting my young daughter to surf the net and watch porn. Eventually I started to go on chat lines to meet new people and talk about sex. Eventually I met what would become my 2nd wife. My porn use lessened but continued, especially after she felt lonely and depressed after having our child. My hurt and my own depression caused me to get deeper into the internet porn. We decided to work it out, however her depression led her to cheat on me. I then got heavy into porn duringvthis time, using it as a stress relief and in my mind a way to get back at her anonymously. We got divorced eventually. I eventually met another lady and continued to look are porn, not often, but I still did. She checked it out and found it on the computer. Another failed relationship, it is now after tthese last few failures that it, porn, has caused me to have relationships that are passionate at first but then lack intimacy later. This is due to the addiction to porn. My current wife is the mostly amazing lady I have ever known, however my addiction has destroyed our intimacy. I want to be free of porn forever. I want my wife back. I have hurt our marriage so bad. I thought it was no big deal, that every male looks. What she won’t know won’t hurt her. I had never cheated on her ever or so I felt. I never had webcam sex with anyone as I had no webcam. My porn viewing showed me things that I looked into to see how they worked, leaving me as an addict even more unfulfilled and more hateful of myself and more remorseful. And the destructive pattern still continued as I got no help for it before a year ago. Now after all thus reading online I realise if I would not do it with her over my shoulder then it is cheating, even with no physical contact and me anonymous, I cheated her, myself and our relationship, destroying our intimacy and betraying her trust. She was the victim of a cheating exspouse that had an affair. I was betrayed twice before I met my wife and used porn to heal my hurt and feelings of inadequacy. I want to break this dangerous cycle of porn dependency and get my wife and life back.Please help,George

the above is what I posted when I had the privledge of discovering this site. Sincr then I had hookef up with the recovery program througj Alex, he then referred my story over to Coach Craig. Coach Craig has been a awrsome source of support and I feel so lucky to have hooked up with him. My wife has connected with Misha.

I want a life back and a rich happy marriage.
George

I have now been sober porn wise since feb. 17th. so it has been 21 days so far, no porn no masturbation. had a relapse on friday and used alcohol to self-medicate my sadness. recovered the next day and takked with wife. We went for a walk and then for dinner. it took forever but that was a blessing as it gave us more time out together. First time out together since the 17th. On the way back I asked her if I coukd hold her hand and she let me. it felt real good, I know it was hard for her to do both. We walked home and watched a movie together, it aas really nice. We said goodnight and I went back to the basement bedroom.

Got up, worked out for 50 minutes. I then asked her if she wanted to go to my sons hockey playoff game as it woukd mean a lot to me. She came but got very quiet near then end of the game. I asked her on the drive back what was wrong and she said she did not want to talk about it. i have hurt badly with my past bullshit. She is a very beautiful woman and I love her but as she said I barely let her know. I know she does not like when I stare at other women. I tried really hard not to. I want my wife to feel safe and secure. I know something happened as a trigger to set her off. I left her alone when we got home. This is tough but I am determined to find the new me inside. The good guy not influence d by his inner child. I confronted the inner child today and fi und a scared young boy inside.

Georges,
I know many of the feelings you are talking about. I feel with you as this ugly beast pulls on the bars of our brain to attack us at any moment when we are unaware. It stays there patiently waiting for a week moment and takes over.

This is where we just need to fight and keep our minds about us at all times. I had a moment this morning where I was starting to lust at a memory.... I recognized what I was doing and started to sing a song, and think of good times with my kids. Anything positive to replace that...thought.... I am happy to say I cant even remember what the lustful thought even was at this time. That is how powerful that caged animal is in our head. Will put anything there in hopes we will entertain it.

By no means I am exempt from future attacks, but how will I act out when these thoughts come to me???? I hope I can put into practice what I have learned from Alex. I also attend a 12 step group. It was pretty odd the first time I went and I did not want to go back. Had many of the same feelings as Alex talks about, but I enjoy the strength of the other brothers and take notes on some of the things they do to stay strong. Many of them are attending other programs in accord with the 12 steps so it helps me to stay strong and take from them the best parts of what keeps them strong.

I will say to stay away from Alcohol. It is another addiction that will cause you to fail as well because it will take away your inhibitions and can cause even more depression in the end. Easy for me to say, I know, but it does not really have any positive effect if you sit back and look what it can do to you. There is a poor brother who is fighting drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and PM. His heart is pure, but his spirit is broken. He is fighting though and that is what matters the most and I love him for it. Get any and all addiction out of your life and the fight becomes so much easier in the end.
I don't know my future, but I want to home that my last relapse will be just that....my last. I stayed clean for 3 months white knuckling it through that time, and not understanding the other aspects of what was going on with my addiction. I understand the hurt and depression caused in marriage. My poor wife goes through times of good kissing me and loving me, and then the next morning something will trigger her and she wants nothing to do with me and say I am smothering her. So there are boundaries I am learning about I need to take. You sound like you are already watching your boundaries.
I will pray for you brother. If you are not religious then I would pick up a Bible or other scripture and start reading. If anything there is peace there and simply by following the teachings of the scriptures you will find a greater sense of fulfillment in your life. My wife and I had this talk last night. She lost all since of religion after what I did to her. She told me she is not sure of Christ, but that she believes in what he taught and she feels better when applying them in her life. That is a step up from her past so I felt it could appy to almost anyone.
Take it for what you want, but this post is getting long. Will pray for you brother.
Trueblue

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True Blu, thank you so much for the words, your thought, your views , your support and your prayers. I am now another day of clean living. I intend to wake up early and workout with my wife. it was in the am without her thatvthe world of porn called me to look for some on my phone. My phone no longer can access porn garbage, for that I am happy, one less big temptation gone. keep busy, keep focussed, mind body and spirit will take over.

thanks brother,
George
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Day 27 of no p and m. I feel very good. do far so good. I have had no desire to look at any porn bullshit. My wife was supposed to take off this weekend to visit a friend but could not get away due to the weather. That was a blessing as we talked. She pointed out how k9 blocker does not block everything like facebook search as porn csn be found on there. I was surprised as I thought no nudity is supposedly allowed on facebook. She was worried about my new phone and the apps, as I admitted that in the past finding porn on the iphone was the problem, easy access. I showed her everything I had on my phone. I have had no desire to look at porn anymore. My wife is very beautiful and has a very kind soul, I hurt her snd I will a lways regret what I havevput her tgrough. I told her of my amphitheater exercise that I did and how Coach Craig was blown away by it.Later we sat on the couch, I came over and kissed her twice and repeated I love you. I came over because I was staring at her while she was sitting on the couch, she looked so beautiful, so desireable, I had to kiss her. Upon kissing her for thexsecond time my manhood stirred, just from kissing her. Currently we are still in different bedrooms and she does not wear her wedding rings, that hurts me, but I trust her totally. I let her down and desire to earn her love and her trust back throigh timr.

One day at a time,
George
day 27

Today is march 25, it has been 36 days since d-day. It has been a really tough struggle to earn my wife's trust and love back. At times we seem to be going in a positive direction with a string of good days then it all seems to come crashing down. This weekend was really good until late last night. We had my daughter over for a visit on friday, they had wine and I had some beer. We had pizza for dinner and sat at the dinner table talking and laughing for hours. Evening came, wife went to bed, daughter left to go to work and came back later at 1230am to pick up her dog. I went downstairs to go to hed in my banishment basement bedroom as that is where I have been staying since d-day. I felt an overwhelming feeling of missing my wife and I had to go upstairs. I went up there and asked if I coukd sleep tbere, she groggingly said ok. I then slept in the same bed for the night, initially with my arm wrapped around her. It felt very good.

Next am, she was gone at the gym and came home and told me that she really felt uncomfortable with me beside her in bed. We then had a veg day at home.

Next am we decide to go get some food for brunch and go shopping together that was nice. She had bought some books for us to read about sexual addiction for couples, we both read it that afternoon. I then slip away to get some more food for a special dinner. We had san Francisco clam chowder, garlic mussels, crab legs in garlic and sour dough. It was so good, we then watched the Walking Dead.

Afterwards she questions me about google + and these supposed multiple accounts. I was shocked at tge accusations and confused about how she came to this conclusion. In the blink of an eye I am called a liar a cheater. I knew she was reading more into this tgen it actually was. However once it has started it escalated very quickly. I felt unfairly being accused of things I did not do. However at the same time I knew she felt that way because of what I had put her through with my past lies, the addiction and the effect the addiction has had on my ability to maintain an intimate relationship. It blew up so fast that I had not the ability to snap out and see her point of view. I hate that I have done this to us, I hate that I have done this to her, I hate that she no longer feels safe aroubd me. I hate that I have caused to suffer and that her safety is compromised by my past addictive behaviour.

I worry as when I went to bed last night I had wierd sexual dreams, dreams of temptations. Things I know are bothering her as I am home foe a weeks holidays and that those are my triggers, loneliness, boredom, unhappiness, frustration. Today I woke up with those feelings, the feelings more powerful and stronger emphasized by tge note and text that she wants separation with me out of the house. That she hates the defensiveness that I show once confronted, even if the accusations are off base. When I stop and look back I know she will question everything, I know that yet find it hard to listen without trying to defend, trying to reassure her. That I find is the toughest balance i this, it is how can you reassure and make her feel better when so many things trigger responses for her. I am not the only george g on the planet, my last name is a common one in portugal, usa and brazil. I know she is devastated by the acciction, I know my past has fucked everything up so far. This sucks I hate that I have put her through this, I am frustrated when things go well then blow up again so quickly.

I need to learn how to listen to her feelings and thoughts caused by my 30 plus years of crap caused by porn. How can you listen and reassure when her safety has been so corrupted and destroyed by this monster called porn?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!

last night was not a good day.Today was not good either, today it hit me that I was almost killed yesterday.

Yesterday got into a fight with my wife over this porn shit. So I left the house angry and was driving to my brothets place to watch hockey. Just as I am about to get there I change my mind and decide to go home so I turn left into a condo area. I then follow another car in this area, she cuts to the left and into a driveway. I continue and follow the road around and take a wide left hand turn around a huge snowpile. Just as I round the pile I am instantly faced by a front loader snow removal vehicle.Hr is driving directly at me and is dropping his bucket right at my eindshirld. This bucket is huge it is way wider then my car. I honk twice, I'm stopped, I then decide to try to back up. Too late, the buckey hits my front windshield, and scrapes the room of my car. I could have been killed. I contact the police, borrow a phone and take pictures. Luckily the lady that wad infront of me that parked, came over and said she sae what happened and would help as needed. I went after to get some beer to calm down. The stress and shock wad too much.

Today I was supposed to fight a ticket I got in October for using a cell phone while operating a vehicle. Funny thing is I never had my phone that day. Court starts at 930. Eventually they call names to see who is here. They call my name and then I find out that the officer who issued the ticket is there as well and that his partner Is on the way. Turns out they are both off duty and get paid overtime to be there. What a joke.

It is then 145 pm, still waiting, I then get stressed out about it, with both of them there I pack it in. I leave court and paid the 172 bucks instead. I did not want the added stress about representing myself vs two off duty cops in suits and the crown prosecutor. I had it, I thought I was screwed and did not want more stress.

Yes it has been two very shitty days.

Day 43.

So far so good, it has been a hard struggle, more so to try and earn my wife's trust back. That has been and will continue to be the hardest part. I love my wife dearly and desire the intimate powerful connection we had before the long term porn effect on the brain kicked it. I was exposed to it at a very young age and had a pretty unhappy unsupported loveless childhood. I see that now that to Coach Craig and the exercises he has had me complete. Thank god there are people like Coach Craig and Coach Misha to help us get through this.

A weak ago as I mentioned I was in a very freak accident that could have cost me my life, that has made me appreciate what I have more. My wife is beautiful outside and inside and I desire her back. Porn is nothing but a bunch of fake bullshit created to hook you in. They offer it for free on the Net to make sure you get hooked into their marketing scheme. Don't be fooled anymore, stay strong people and you will overcome.

My wife and I had an incident that concerned her at church yesterday, it was a great Easter weekend from Friday on. However I noticed she got very quiet halfway through church so i thought to myself oh no what did I do now. She did not want to talk about it at all in the afternoon when we got home, however I insisted that we had to resolve this before easter dinner. So we did a Safety exercise where I used I statements to explain what made me feel unsafe and what made me feel safe based on the situation that came up. I did not respond with my conditioned response of my past history which is defence. I explained my point of view, she did not get angry and she responded with her fears. I reassured her, we hugged and we then continued to have a great easter dinner at my dad's. Thanks god for both Coachs Craig and Misha, my wife and I love you both.

Keep fighting the good fight people and stay strong,
George
Day 43 and more good days to come.

George,

I've read through all of what you wrote and it seems you have worked hard to try to save the relationship with your wife. I admire you for that. I am also in a place where I feel similar to how you describe your wife feeling. Distant. It is hard to hold hands or hug my husband right now even though I am trying to forgive. I can tell you have been understanding and patient. If she is still questioning you about Google+ accounts, etc. I can understand. Since I've been lied to so much, I know there is more my husband hasn't told me. He never gives any details whatsoever unless he is caught. The best thing you can do is reassure her and never get defensive when questioned - unless you have another account which in that case tell the truth (really it will build trust). Glad you are working with Craig, he is working with my husband now as well. We were going to do our safe/unsafe lists but havent yet. Are you finding it is helping you a lot?

Keep up the good work!

Fluff

Hi Fluff, thank for your kind words of support and encouragement. As Coach Craig pit it last time, welcome to the world they we created. It isnt pretty but now is the time to grab the ball and run with it in the right direction. Coach Craig is amazing, having been there to the edge and back, and Coach Misha has helped my wife get perspective in this crappy time. Thst crappy time now seems to be getting better and better.

As for the safety agreement, my wife did hers today. I did one on sunday and it worked really well, no defensiveness on my part and no anger on her part. We seem to be going in the right direction. Thanks to the coaches and our choices. My choice with no more p & m has allowed me to focus on my wife and how really beautifil and amazing she is. I feel like a new person, it is a great feeling.