Today is march 25, it has been 36 days since d-day. It has been a really tough struggle to earn my wife's trust and love back. At times we seem to be going in a positive direction with a string of good days then it all seems to come crashing down. This weekend was really good until late last night. We had my daughter over for a visit on friday, they had wine and I had some beer. We had pizza for dinner and sat at the dinner table talking and laughing for hours. Evening came, wife went to bed, daughter left to go to work and came back later at 1230am to pick up her dog. I went downstairs to go to hed in my banishment basement bedroom as that is where I have been staying since d-day. I felt an overwhelming feeling of missing my wife and I had to go upstairs. I went up there and asked if I coukd sleep tbere, she groggingly said ok. I then slept in the same bed for the night, initially with my arm wrapped around her. It felt very good.
Next am, she was gone at the gym and came home and told me that she really felt uncomfortable with me beside her in bed. We then had a veg day at home.
Next am we decide to go get some food for brunch and go shopping together that was nice. She had bought some books for us to read about sexual addiction for couples, we both read it that afternoon. I then slip away to get some more food for a special dinner. We had san Francisco clam chowder, garlic mussels, crab legs in garlic and sour dough. It was so good, we then watched the Walking Dead.
Afterwards she questions me about google + and these supposed multiple accounts. I was shocked at tge accusations and confused about how she came to this conclusion. In the blink of an eye I am called a liar a cheater. I knew she was reading more into this tgen it actually was. However once it has started it escalated very quickly. I felt unfairly being accused of things I did not do. However at the same time I knew she felt that way because of what I had put her through with my past lies, the addiction and the effect the addiction has had on my ability to maintain an intimate relationship. It blew up so fast that I had not the ability to snap out and see her point of view. I hate that I have done this to us, I hate that I have done this to her, I hate that she no longer feels safe aroubd me. I hate that I have caused to suffer and that her safety is compromised by my past addictive behaviour.
I worry as when I went to bed last night I had wierd sexual dreams, dreams of temptations. Things I know are bothering her as I am home foe a weeks holidays and that those are my triggers, loneliness, boredom, unhappiness, frustration. Today I woke up with those feelings, the feelings more powerful and stronger emphasized by tge note and text that she wants separation with me out of the house. That she hates the defensiveness that I show once confronted, even if the accusations are off base. When I stop and look back I know she will question everything, I know that yet find it hard to listen without trying to defend, trying to reassure her. That I find is the toughest balance i this, it is how can you reassure and make her feel better when so many things trigger responses for her. I am not the only george g on the planet, my last name is a common one in portugal, usa and brazil. I know she is devastated by the acciction, I know my past has fucked everything up so far. This sucks I hate that I have put her through this, I am frustrated when things go well then blow up again so quickly.
I need to learn how to listen to her feelings and thoughts caused by my 30 plus years of crap caused by porn. How can you listen and reassure when her safety has been so corrupted and destroyed by this monster called porn?