Feed the Right Wolf

I'm glad to see things are going ok for you , keep moving forward friend

I feel that I should post more details about what has been going on this week than what I already posted in my introduction post on the 7th. This is going to be a long post, so I want to say thank you in advance to anyone who will read through it all.

As most of you know, my posts have mostly been about how good I was doing, that I didn't really struggle, that I was making great progress. That was untrue, and I have to admit that to myself and to you. I lied to myself about what was acceptable or unacceptable. I lied to myself with justifications that I have no way of spinning into anything other than what it is. It was not fully conscious, but I lied to my girlfriend, my therapist, and all of you and I am sorry. I can say truthfully that I was not consciously lying like I was before I admitted this problem, but I was aware that I was lying on some level and the fact that I didn't identify that my justifications were completely harmful and were actually me lying to myself is completely unacceptable.

I think I have mentioned that in my job, there are times when I am potentially exposed to pornography. Sometimes (rarely, I admit) I will need to visit a site that turns out to be an adult site. I wouldn't have to be on the site for more time than it takes to determine whether it has an active site, literally just a second or two. In these cases I did click out of any adult sites right away. However, being exposed to sites like that obviously was a trigger. Another aspect of my job is that I sometimes need to find contact information for people, which can involve doing an internet search for them. When I was actively seeking out pornography, one common behavior was to do an image search on search engines and find porn sites that way. At my job, I started to click on "images" when I was searching for contact information. I told myself that I was trying to learn more about the person I was contacting, to better perform my job. I still did not identify that this was extremely "slippery" behavior, or could even be called acting out. In time, I started spending more time "researching" image search results, especially when the person I was looking for contact information was female. Many times at the bottom of the search results there would be pornographic images that I would look through. I still told myself that this was work related (most obvious lie ever...) and that I was just looking quickly at the small images on the search engine for a few seconds rather than visiting the sites the images came from.

Obviously what I was doing was in no way related to work. It was me continuing to act out, plain and simple. I let myself believe that there was a gray area here was it was so clearly black and white. I was no longer actively going to porn sites, but my actions were motivated by an increased chance to "accidentally" see pornography. A year and a half after admitting that this was a problem, I was still justifying this shit.

What brought this to the forefront was my girlfriend finding questionable videos in my youtube viewing history. I explained that these were links I was sent by people at work. This was still me justifying, but the worst part is what I did right after I got to work that day. Thinking that my girlfriend had the wrong idea about the youtube videos, I thought about what else might cause a "misunderstanding" if she saw it. I thought of the google searches I had done at work. I researched how to erase search history, and did so, then turned history off. It was a frantic and panicked reaction, but I absolutely should have identified that as a bad thing and settled down and thought things through with clarity. I previously had not deleted anything on any computer, phone, or other device for almost a year, and I used that to show my girlfriend that I was trustworthy. This is something I've pointed out many many times to her as showing that I could be trustworthy, and even that morning I had made it a point to tell her I haven't deleted any history at all on anything to prove that she can trust me. Then less than an hour later, I did exactly what I told her I wouldn't. We have had countless talks about how if I were to do anything questionable, I should come to her with honesty and that we could work through it. That would have been the right thing to do here, but instead I deleted my history and in doing so I betrayed my word and my trust with the person I love most in the world. Almost immediately after I deleted history and turned off the history feature, I realized what I was doing and turned it back on, but by then it was too late to undo what I had done. I had done something that was wholly deceitful. After wanting so badly to build back trust in my relationship, I undid everything with two clicks of a mouse.

This has all been a huge, huge blow to me. I feel like my world is turned upside down even though I already knew deep down that what I was doing was horrifically wrong. I've destroyed trust yet again, not because I had acted out but because I was deceitful in the face of everything being laid out black and white. My girlfriend is no longer my girlfriend. She says that this time the trust cannot be repaired and she will never be able to trust me again. I want to be with her, I love her, I want so badly for her to be able to trust me again but there has been a year and a half of her giving me one chance after another. Though I told her what I had done when she asked, the only thing that matters is that I broke that trust in the first place.

I talked about all this at a meeting last night. A man I have talked to many times told me that he would be my temporary sponsor and help me start working through the 12 steps. We are planning on meeting later today. I am going to see my therapist today as well, in about an hour. I am entertaining that there definitely may be other issues I have than sexual addiction. I'm in disbelief at myself yet again, after being here so many f***ing times. I am scared as hell of myself. I have had many thoughts of hurting myself, although I know I would never commit suicide because I know there are still people who care about me and don't want to hurt them, and I don't want to hurt God.

I am sorry for not being honest with all of you and with everyone I care about and with myself. I need this to stop, I don't believe this is just who I am, nor is it who God would have me be. I need to stop hurting people. I have lost so f***ing much because of all of this. My life could have been perfect. I want to believe it still can but I can't stop thinking of what I've lost. I feel more guilt than I can say. The acting out was one thing, but choosing to delete my history is another thing all together...

I am trying to move forward but feel lost. I have felt so strongly that I want to get rid of this in my life but I still made the choice to lie and perpetuate so much harmful and hurtful behavior.

Thank you for reading and being here.

Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Absolution,

My friend, I have so much love in my heart for you at the moment. I understand the pain and frustration and self-betrayal that you feel, and I'm so sorry that after all the work you've put into everything you have suffered this setback.

I want you to know that I do not find your behavior shameful or reproachable or unbelievable. The story that you tell is the story of you making lots of progress, of coming clean, and of moving forward to put this behind you. I find it honorable that you would confront this behavior in yourself, that you would be honest about what happened when your girlfriend asked, even though you knew it would be a difficult thing and that there would likely be negative consequences. I am impressed with your willingness to seek help at a 12 steps meeting, and I am hopeful that your attitude and acceptance of your mistakes will come back to you and be a healing influence in your life. Hold your head high. You are doing the right thing and are moving in the right direction, and there will be good things for you on the other side of it.

I learned something recently about my own recovery while I was raking my lawn. It's an old lawn with a lot of dead grass in it. The dead grass is hidden under the green stuff that's growing, but I know that it's thick and matted and preventing my lawn from growing. I have raked my lawn every week for the last month or so, and every time I do it, I pull out a pile of dead grass large enough to fill multiple garbage bags. My lawn never looks any different. After a while, I wondered if I was wasting my time since I could never tell the difference after I finished raking. It seemed like my dead grass problem never got any better.

Except I knew it was, because I had piles of dead grass in my trash cans to prove it. This week, I saw a difference in the part of the lawn that I've raked the most. It used to have the most dead grass and the thinnest lawn, but now it's thicker than many parts of the lawn. I'm sure it's because I've raked it so many times.

Recovery is like that. We clean up our lives, and go through recovery programs, and we make changes and learn things and make progress and become better people. Sometimes it just takes multiple passes through to get ourselves to where we want to be. Even then, there's always more to learn, more changes to make, and more to do. Be proud that you're doing so. Most people don't recognize the problem, and those that do often don't have the courage to face it like you are.

Lastly, and at the risk of sounding like I'm justifying the parts of behavior that are inappropriate, which is NOT my intention, I want you to know that I do not see your acting out, or panicking, or anything else you posted as anything unduly terrible. You are human, and you made a mistake. It was not malicious. It was not regression into the place that you used to be. It was a slippery slope fly-trap of a thing that is VERY easy to succumb to. You admitted your mistakes before they took you down to where you were. You have my strong respect for that. Again, I am sorry that it has set you back with your girlfriend, but I believe that you will either be able to patch things up after the smoke clears, or that you will find someone better on the other side of this. While I do not know you personally, your comments and tone strike me as the kind of person who has a great deal to offer a significant other. Remember that. Hold your head high. Your life will be excellent still, and remember that the idea that your life ever would have been truly perfect is not (cannot be) the truth. You will come through this stronger and more capable.

Lastly, if you are feeling suicidal, be sure to mention that to your counselor. They'll be able to direct you on the matter and maybe help you get some support. Personally, I'm a big fan of antidepressants when I"m feeling as down as you describe. They're an emotional crutch for me, and I admit that, but when my emotional legs are broken, hey, I use a crutch!

I posted a post in the "things that you find helpful" section of the boards today. Check it out if you haven't. It's all I have to offer other than what you're already doing and what Alex has provided here for us.

I'm proud of you. Stay strong.
-Xe

Hi , i am really sorry to hear about your loss.

And i agree with xenon - that you did not commit a crime by slipping into a tricky behavior.
Its ohk that your work required you to visit those sites and your addict mind used it as a trick to make you think you were working while it was feeding its addicted self.

But honestly - what is the definition of a acting out ? Yes you looked at those images and sites consciously but did you ever truly give in to the habit. I doubt it - cause if you had then i dont think you would have been able to lie to yourself or to anyone else that you had been doing good all this time.

Your thinking that you lied to yourself that things were going great and stuff. But if you had actually slipped than deep down you would have felt the pain and agony and self hatred feeling that recovering addicts like us feel when we slip. If this was the case then those feeling of guilt would have never let you feel good even for one moment. This behavior has been going on for quite some time now , so if it truly was acting out then i don`t think you would have had been able to feel good about life as you were doing all this time.

I am not saying that you did nothing wrong. But i think You did not loose your girl friend because you actually looked at those things. She broke up cause she thought you broke her trust ( as sure you would agree on this ) . And your panicking reaction of deleting history must have been based on the fact that lately you might have seen some stuff which would be threatening to your relationship. For that one moment - you did not trust her that she would understand and forget things you had been doing.
Sorry to say this - but there was lack of trust on your part too else you would never have deleted the history.

Sadly you can`t undo what you did. I really wish you and girl friend patch things up so that you get your love back.
but as you said - there are still many people who care about you not to forget " urself " . You still have a lot left in ur life - Live your life for that.
Also its great that you are ready to fight this addiction again.
You urself said in MAX`s post - one has to fight addiction for oneself only then they can truly recover.
try loving urself more and please try to stay away from alcohol - after break ups many people use alcohol thinking it will help them recover while it only makes them addicted to alcohol.

I am saying this cause you have a history with Alcohol so it might be a real danger for u to start taking alcohol regularly as you might ignite your old addiction.

Also i really think that you have to change this job if it really required you to visit porn sites.
You too have watched those videos on yourbrainonporn.com and you should know those thoughts/images and habit of being addicted to porn will always be present in some part of the brain (even after recovery) . And being exposed to them on regular basis will never allow you to fully recover from your addiction, no matter how much self control you have over yourself.

Lastly don`t loose your faith . We still have faith in you.

Nick

_________________
Sober since 12th April
Having good thoughts or bad thoughts do not define a person its how he reacts to them is what defines him.

Thank you for your replies here... I will let you know that my girlfriend and I have talked at length over the last 2 two days (we were up til 7AM last night! ) and we're still together and trying to work through things. There was definitely (fully appropriate) disappointment, anger and frustration from her side, but we both talked through that and now more than ever I feel we are really at a crossroads in the relationship and recovery where there is truly mutual understanding and it's amazing

Xenon I appreciate your supportive words and the analogy of raking leaves; it's very fitting here. I would never, ever commit suicide but it scared me to have the thought pop up and I appreciate your concern there. I am also proud of you.

Nick thank you for your thoughts on breaking the trust of my girlfriend. You're absolutely right in pointing out that I did not fully trust her, else I wouldn't have thought to hide anything, even for a second. That's extremely insightful and I'm proud of you as well.

I understand what you both are saying about not considering this acting out, but to me it was. True, I didn't go directly to a porn site, but I definitely did engage in behaviors that had been proven to have a high chance of allowing me to "accidentally" see pornographic images, and on some level hoped to see them. True, this was not completely conscious, but if I had stayed vigilant I would not have done what I did. I feel strongly that I'm not beating myself up here, but that I'm just being completely honest. I've taken a lot from this experience.

Thank you again for your support, I love you.

Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

I used to talk about my addiction to porn with my wife and try to get her involved in my recovery. This was a bad idea she said and she preferred that I did not get her involved. She knows that I have a problem and she knows that I am trying hard to stop. She trusts me enough and she does not want to know the details because it is too painful to hear about my trials and failures in this area. After all, it is like adultery and telling her every time how and why I did it. She prefers that I privately deal with the problem and she will see the improvement by how I treat her. So tell her that you are dealing with the problem and that you are improving. You will fail from time to time. She does not need to be involved or to know the details. Most women would understand if they love you. You just have to treat them with dignity and respect. Do not lie. No one likes to be lied to.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

Hi Dpac,

I understand what you're saying, but I have to disagree with generalizing this idea to include any relationship. You said that your wife told you she prefered that you didn't get her involved; my girlfriend has proactively wanted to be a part of my recovery from the start. People are different, and handle things like this in different ways. It's great that your wife can trust you, but in my case I have broken trust enough times where my girlfriend isn't able to completely trust me. I feel we have a great relationship and are building trust back, and me being upfront about even little things is the only way that is possible. My girlfriend is a very analytical person, and for her, knowing details about things is helpful. I have seen it time and time again that after we discuess details about something in a constructive way, that specific thing does not come back up or continue to hurt her as much.

I think that's it's always harmful to make generalizations. You are fortunate to have a wife that trusts you, but in some relationships taking the advice to not talk openly to your significant other about your recovery can be harmful in that it may be easier to rationalize acting out, since you know you don't have to involve your partner (who should be the most important person involved). Many therapists would agree that a partner is better off not knowing details as it paints a more vivid picture in the mind, but in my situation it has allowed my girlfriend to fully address the reality of what I've done and move on. This needs to be taken on a case-by-case basis. Every person here who is in a relationship should have a conversation with their partner to decide what is best for both of them.

You're absolutely right about lying, though, and I realize that if I had never lied to my girlfriend we would probably be in a place where she wouldn't need to know every detail. Unfortunately that is not the case, so I am doing what needs to be done to rebuild trust and that means involving her. My girlfriend has talked about wanting to post on this forum and I told her I didn't think it would create any problems and that her perspective could benefit others here, being able to see both sides of the same recovery. She is my partner in recovery as well, and has been amazingly instrumental in this fight.

Your friend,

Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

hi ,

Glad to see things back on track for you.

_________________
Sober since 12th April
Having good thoughts or bad thoughts do not define a person its how he reacts to them is what defines him.

You need to be careful though. Getting my wife involved with my recovery only made her jealous and lowered her self esteem about her body. Women can never really understand us. For instance, we could be sick and in pain and still get turned on by a pretty lady or whatever our trigger is. Where as a woman, if she is sick, you can never turn her on. Women don't have triggers like we do and cannot fully understand how we feel. Your triggers can be a source of jealousy and like my wife, may lose self esteem if she does not match up to those triggers.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

Dpac,

I am going to refrain from expressing too much of my opinion on this last reply, and I understand what might make you say that and respect your right to have an opinion as well, but I feel that it comes from a place of ignorance. You are giving me advice based on generalized perceptions of women that simply aren't true.

There may be a cultural issue or language barrier here, and regardless of any difference between us, I do not desire to start an argument. I will leave this be and ask you to respect me enough to not repeat the advice that I have already stated reasons for disagreeing with.

You are welcome on this forum as much as any other person who is recovering from this, and do not want to ostracize you. Hopefully you understand where I'm coming from.

Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore