Feed the Right Wolf

I don`t know whether this will be of any help to you , But when i get too many negative thoughts about myself (Being a masochist and porn addict etc) i sometimes listen to a song by Linkin Park - "What i've done" . It helps me to forgive my self and put an end to sorrows.

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Sober since 12th April
Having good thoughts or bad thoughts do not define a person its how he reacts to them is what defines him.

Hi Absolution,

You are a good man, and I know it. And I know that you tried to do your best. Sometimes doing our best is not enought. I wish we all were perfect, but we are not. We are just humans - animals with a brain - I hope you will keep on bettering yourself for yourself. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Want to come out to San Jose/ San Francisco? We have a lot of SAA support here.

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
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Dear Absolution,
What I do when I hurt my wife:
Beg like a dog after she cools off.
Works like a charm every time. Try this. Could be humiliating but not more humiliating than porn addiction. Lay it on thick and beg. This is what I do. Did not tell you this earlier in case you beg too soon. Important to let a little time pass for cooling to take place.

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I will cease being a slave to my past.

I forgot that she reads these forums also. It should not matter. It is not a secret weapon or anything like that. It is just that she needs to hear from you about your resolve to be a better person next time. It is worth the try. You are worth the try.

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I will cease being a slave to my past.

Thanks for your support, everyone, and thank you Dpac for making me laugh my ass off After the first reply the thought was "umm doesn't he know my girlfriend posts here?" and then your followup was exactly that! haha thank you.

We are back together, or I guess I should say it was never totally expressed that she was leaving me... I think I'm quick to assume that my girlfriend is going to leave me when she is extremely upset and/or I have hurt her and I interpret things she says as her wanting to end the relationship... But since my last post we have talked things through and had great talks about a lot of things and we're both continuing to work toward the goal of being completely functional and content both individually and as a couple.

I've been less active lately as we have a lot going on in our lives but I am going to try to post heavily at least on weekends and throughout the week as I can. I am proud to be a part of this forum and seeing it grow to the point is has makes me feel great

I love you all,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Hi Absolution,

You had me worried for a minute, until I read your last post. I am so glad to hear that you and FP are still working through things.

My husband reacts exactly like you do. As you know from my other post we have had a rough couple of days, and today was difficult for us both. At one point he was so wound up, upset, angry at himself, frustrated etc etc, I said to him 'You need a break from this, if you want I will pay for you and your son to go and stay with your dad for a few days'. I meant it out of genuine concern, as the way I am at the moment doesn't help him, I need that counselling lol. But what he heard was me saying 'we need a break', his reaction was understandably quite intense, very upset and it took me a while to calm him down and get him to listen to what I had really meant. He had taken his wedding ring off he was so convinced that it was the end

I can see how it may have sounded to him, as it was said at an emotional time, we are both feeling anxious, scared and insecure.

Glad to hear this

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Sober since 12th April
Having good thoughts or bad thoughts do not define a person its how he reacts to them is what defines him.

You have no idea how hard I laughed at this. Some people might have been offended but I found it ridiculously endearing.

Hi Absolution.

I have to say that I seem to relate to you more than I relate to most of the people on this forum. Lots and lots of good people here, don't get me wrong. I just appreciate the position that you're in.

I have an amazing wife. She's beautiful (truly very good looking), extremely talented and musical, a nerd like me, and a wonderful companion. I love her so very much and am so grateful for her.

I also know that if she knew about my addiction, it would devastate her. I spoke with a clergyman about the issue, and he agreed it would be better to keep it a secret from her at this point, though I hope that down the road I have a chance to "retro-confess" after I get past the worst of this. Be grateful you have a significant other you can be open and honest with. As for Ms. Flying Pickle, kudos on your acceptance of Absolution as a person with a problem that needs some attention. Not an easy acceptance, to be sure.

It's an interesting situation you're both in. Absolution, you sound like you have a genuine desire to change and to be who you know you should be. I also suspect you have some of the same problem I do: when you're good at dealing with other people, when you're genuinely pleasant and caring and supportive and good, it makes it VERY easy to gloss over problems in your own conduct. I regularly get evaluated at work, and have realized that this is definitely the case. I'm pleasant to work with, so everyone assumes I'm as competent as I seem. I know better, of course. I know that showing up 5-10 minutes late every day, scrambling to be punctual and have my work done when it needs to be is NOT OKAY. But I still do it almost daily, because, frankly, I know I can get away with it.

The other day I had one of my supervisors mention that he liked me, but he had noticed a couple of things that I simply wasn't doing well. He acknowledged that I was pleasant and good at what I do, but basically told me (very pleasantly) that he'd noticed I was slacking and that there was no excuse for it, and then gave me a couple of weeks to turn things around before he wrote his quarterly evaluation.

In some sense, I'm STILL getting away with something, because he likely wouldn't have given me the chance to fix it if he didn't personally like me. But I digress.

It was awesome to be called out on my crap. Truly, it feels good to know that I have to fix it now or there will be consequences. I didn't like it at first. I was upset. I was frustrated, and I was stressed out. Not so much, now. I have since made progress, and that feels good.

You seem like you're asking for the same sort of situation, in a way. You request we don't go easy on you or minimze what you have done, and you are honest with FP in the hope that she will hold you accountable and you'll have something to balance out your addictive pull to be a womanizer.

So here's my 2c:

FP, hold him accountable for what he does. How to do that is up to you, but if he knows that you will do so, he will respond positively.

Absolution, I don't know what to say to you other than what I've just put above. If you acknowledge your own faults, that's awesome. Acknowledging how and why you've gotten away with them for so long is another thing that might be both humbling and helpful. I might be wrong, of course, but I wanted to honestly say what I"m thinking in hopes that it's helpful to you. I hope you realize that I bear you no ill will whatsoever in my criticisms! (You did kind of ask for them, or seemed as though you'd at least be open to them, from your earlier posts.)

In any case, you're obviously both very good people, and I wish you both the best and hope that you'll continue to progress together and support each other.

-Xe

A word of warning here. I think partners should 100% hold us accountable, but I would advise against using our partners as our "sponsors". I think Xe is very right, not wanting to cause pain to my fiancee is one of my greatest motivators to stay sober, I believe if we need additional support and a full daily disclosure about every little bit of our struggle, it is much healthy to go ask another person in recovery to be our sponsor for that purpose. This is especially practical approach for people who already in 12 step program.

I hope I make sense. I sat down with my fiancee a long time ago, and we both agreed on what would be my bottom line behaviors of which she should know about (and we've added a few new ones over the years). Everything else that was not that bottom line behavior, she was okay with not knowing about, and I saved that information and my smaller struggles for my sponsor's ears.

In SAA we break down definition of sobriety in 3 circles http://saa-recovery.org/SAALiterature/E ... eeCircles/

I recommend defining the circles with sponsor and partner, making sure all 3 of you work out a consensus, and then agreeing that the partner would only be told about the inner circle behaviors, while sponsor and the recovery group would get to hear the whole story. This approach creates the room for partner to heal, while still keeping the recovery person 100% accountable for their actions. This is just my experience and how it works for my fiancee and I.

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction