Feed the Right Wolf

Hey all, before I run down the checklist I'd like to provide some brief background information. I am a couple of years out of college and have been looking at internet pornography (videos) since I was maybe 15. When I was an undergrad, I would download full length hardcore videos to my computer (in a hidden folder) and couldn't wait until my parents were gone so I could masturbate whenever I wanted. Then I gradually started getting into more specialized porn and niches, using tube sites to browse through a large and diverse amount of content.

2 years ago, I started breaking into HD paysites (I won't name them here, if it will trigger people, but they were essentially the top 5 paysites on the net) and was overwhelmed by the quality of the pornography available. I would get passwords and logins from forums or would download them illegally from torrent sites. Until recently, I didn't think this was a problem at all: any kid would love to get access to this kind of premium content. I would view this about once a day.

Recently though (2-3 months ago) I realized my addiction was out of control. I began to become bored with reality and hardcore porn and sought out more extreme fetishes to satisfy my addiction. Again, no need to go into detail but it is amazing how some really disgusting/weird things turned me on while a simple picture of a naked woman would do nothing. I remember I was about to have sex a girl and I couldn't get it up, not one bit. I'm still a virgin now and perhaps it was just performance anxiety, but I surmise that my overexposure to hardcore pornography has hindered my ability to get an erection on my own.

I'll end it there, but between my own experiences, reading through the posts on this forum, and reading Alex's list of reasons, I know I need to quit.

Today's entry:


Daily Checklist: (List every self care Item that you did use this day)
9 Hours of Sleep
1 hour of reading
morning prayer

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
Disappointed I almost caved last night. I didn't entirely act out (didn't masturbate) but still perused a site or two for about 6-7 minutes. I need to avoid being alone in front of a computer.

Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting Your Day:
Still disappointed about last night.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill today:
I have to buy something today so I am going to try and talk to as many people in the store as possible.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
Waking up with the rest of the family is beneficial (I live at home). I need to coordinate my schedule with theirs.

Things You are Thankful for Today:

- no cravings so far
- didn't oversleep
- going to catch up on some reading for once

Hi James,
Welcome to the forum and well done for taking a big step forward in your recovery. I have found that journaling has been tremendously helpful and I hope you do too. There is a good group of people here who have been through it all as well and understand the issues and temptations.

Have you tried the whole breathing exercises and ERP that Alex recommends? What do you feel are your big triggers?

Had better go as it smells like the dinner is burning!
Take one day at a time,
BigAl

Hey nice start and best luck.



Every addict goes through this. Even i had developed some extreme fetishes and fantasies to satisfy my addiction. And i m still trying to get my mind back and be normal again.
It happens because the brain does not get the same sort of excitement from watching same thing again and again. It constantly needs something new to get the high.
Check out the website yourbrainonporn.com and watch the videos - you will feel much better after you understand the reason for your addiction to such extreme fetishes.



what you have deduced is true. Again the brain (after masturbating countless times to hardcore porn ) gets re wired and starts seeing porn as its way of having sex.
The more you stay away from porn - your brain would become normal.

Sorry to talk about this - but i guess its important to understand what we are dealing with and how brain works in order to give our best for our recovery.

Best Luck

Nick

_________________
Sober since 12th April
Having good thoughts or bad thoughts do not define a person its how he reacts to them is what defines him.

Ugh, had two slips back to back (yesterday and today) and am pretty disappointed. My parents went up to bed and I was alone with the comp- I should've shut it off right there. Instead, I started perusing sites, began to get really horny and then fully slipped, looking and masturbating for over an hour and a half. I guess I didn't really try and do the breathing exercise, but honestly I just didn't have the will power to close the windows and shut down the computer.

I think there is a big difference between just looking at some pictures and masturbating to hardcore videos. One thing I am wondering (I might make a separate thread on this later) is how much better is it to masturbate once a day (w/o porn) than to look at porn and not masturbate? Even during my 2 week stretch of no porn, I was still masturbating once a day (sometimes to girl's photos on facebook, sometimes with no visual stimulation whatsoever) and still constructing sexual mental images in my head. I assume it is better to fantasize about sex during masturbation than to actually see it in front of you, but I wonder what the merits are of doing the former.

The only good news out of this is that it didn't take much porn to get me very excited- that is, I only needed to view somewhat hardcore material and wasn't interested in looking for more extreme stuff. I hope this at least means, that my brain has become resensitized to normal porn and doesn't need the extreme/fetish/weird stuff to get a high.

Next craving I have, I am going to watch "this is your brain on porn" (at least part of it) and remind myself that this is a problem that can be solved logically.

Hi James,

The way out of this addiction is to keep walking away from it as long as possible. Sometimes you will fall, many times backwards, but if you will keep getting up and keep going, you will make progress.

I wanted to comment on part of your quote too. The problem could be solved logically, but only when you are able to think logically. When it is late, you are tired, alone with computer, and cruising sites, your logical brain is almost disabled. By that time, it becomes very hard to use Logic to solve this problem.

There is a saying in 12 step - "It was my best thinking that got me here in the first place"

I hope this makes sense.
Alex

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Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

After a series of slips I've had a couple good days in a row now. My parents go to bed a few hours before me, so I tell them to just shut down the computer when they go to bed so I won't be tempted. I am also starting to replay some old video games during the last hour or two to get my mind off things.

I used to play a lot of computer games but I would always have cravings- I'd have a porn window open as I played the game and would struggle to close it. Now when I play on a console there is no risk whatsoever, once I am tired of playing I just head right to bed.

I've also started to work out, got a gym membership and I hope that by the end of the summer I will not only be much mentally stronger but also physically stronger. It has been said that the two often go hand in hand so we'll see.

Video games and gym are a nice things to get your mind away from porn.
Have you installed the k9 filter yet ? IF not then i would advise you to do it.
OF course it would not be real help as in times of temptation since you know the password your addicted mind would disable the filter. But still it would prevent from general slips and cravings.

Anyways best luck for recovery.

_________________
Sober since 12th April
Having good thoughts or bad thoughts do not define a person its how he reacts to them is what defines him.

Here's one logical approach.

You are x days sober. Day x+1 of sobriety is either one day away, or x+1 days away (minimum).

Which one depends on the choices you make today.

I like that

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

Hi James,
I wish you well in your recovery. Too much masturbation is not good for actual sex. Not enough ammunition I suppose (Ha Ha). While getting rid of a masturbation problem might be a good reason to stop the porn problem, it is not the only reason. Raising your moral standards should be a good enough reason. Too many men out there with extremely low standards.
Go find a good girl and marry her.
Live happily ever after.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.