Still having trouble masturbating to images online. I have no access to pornographic videos but masturbated twice (once to some cute girls, then again to some sexually explicit images I managed to find). I will block those sites with K9, but I'm disappointed how reliant I am on the filter. I could have gone out tonight, or got some work done--instead I sat around and masturbated, same problem as always. Not a relapse, but still disappointed that I couldn't do better. I can block as many websites as I want, but I can't stop myself from masturbating to other images and fantasies.
I didn't even try to do ERP, I just went right ahead. What am I going to do when I go home or visit a friend and have internet access with no filter? It's like I become super excited at having access to porn, and I just have to get my fill before I lose access again. Maybe I'm not getting better, maybe my brain hasn't changed at all, maybe I am totally at the mercy of the filter.
Ugh, frustrating. When I masturbate without anything, I feel horny later in the day, but if I totally abstain, then I feel even more like caving. I am changing my policy--no masturbation to images of any kind, if I do it is acting out and I am back on day 1. I have to make some progress, I can't be satisfied with just avoiding porn videos, I have to stop seeking out stimulation on the computer all together. What if my future wife caught me masturbating to a picture of some woman online, would she think it is ok just because it's not porn?
Speaking of which, I am also confused what I want to do with some girls I'm seeing. Part of me wants to lose my virginity, but if I start having sex in my addicted state, I know I will just crave it more and more. I'd probably just start using girls for sex, pretending to me romantically interested just to get some action, but disappointing them and feeling bad myself. But if I try and stay a virgin, I'm worried I won't find a girl who is also one, I don't like the idea of my wife having had a bunch of partners and would like to find a girl who might also be a virgin, but these days I'm not sure how many there are.
For now, all I want is sobriety, I need to strengthen the rational brain and make better choices. I am making a promise for 24 hours with no p/m tomorrow, and I will post if I do not hold up. I am prepared to do ERP several times tomorrow, as much as needed, to try and make up for tonight. Again, this was a good week, avoided slips, but I need to take the next step and get rid of the images, as they will only lead to more pain and unhappiness.