Feed the Right Wolf

Just had a fantastic breakthrough, and beat a really tough craving. I hadn't had a really good victory like this since October, when I thought I had turned the corner for the better. My roommate was out and I went on his computer, I started browsing this site and found a really tempting porn video. As it started I called an SAA member who didn't pick up. I thought I was doomed, I just started watching the beginning--no nudity or anything--but I knew I was going to masturbate, and decided to just give in and was going to just let the video play out and watch the sex unfold/masturbate.

But just then he called me back and we talked; I told him I was on a site and had a few videos lined up to watch but that I hadn't seen any actually nudity yet. He said to just calm down and that I made a great choice to call him. I told him to wait and let me grab my coat so I could go take a walk. I cleared the history, shut down the website, grabbed my coat and headed for the door. I told him that I would have caved if he didn't call, and he said to call him again whenever I need to.

I feel incredible now, and am still 3-4 days sober. Hopefully I can keep it up and get some real sobriety. Every day like today goes a long way, and I have total confidence that I will get porn out of my life.

That's outstanding, James... this is a great example of how our higher power works. I'm so glad you are attending SAA meetings and have people you can call

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Trying to get into a routine to do ERP immediately when I get up, not after I eat or shower but the very first thing. Sometimes, I wake up horny and wanting to act out, sneaking out to my roommates computer when he is at work to look at porn. But today I didn't even leave my room, didn't open the door to even see if he was here or not and just did the breathing exercise 10 full times. I said a few reasons, and said the line "it isn't worth 30 minutes of pleasure for a lifetime of pain" that has worked in the past. Then I followed up by having a good breakfast, getting washed up, and heading out for the day. (It turns out he wasn't there so I'm glad I did ERP first).

This is how I want to start out each day, get it started on the right foot and go from there. I just masturbated without any visual stimulation at all and it makes me happy to know I can experience a great feeling of sexual release without porn. I don't need to look at this crap to satisfy my body's sexual urges: I can go for a walk and calm down, or if need be, I can have a healthy masturbation session away from the computer.

I have a meeting on Saturday, and I want to say how the week started bad but then got better--if I can make it 2 more days I will be able to say just that.

James
You done brilliantly! A victory like that trains the brain into a new way of thinking.
Every time you succeed like that, you reinforce the good path.
Keep it up, only a few more days to the meeting.
Peter

It's been almost a week since I masturbated to pornography--but things still could be better. I masturbated to images 2-3 times and peaked at pornography on my roommates computer just now: luckily I heard him come in and shut it off. God has spared me yet again and I am grateful, but I know I need to minimize these behaviors before I actually do get caught.

I have already done ERP 4 times today, but still found myself browsing a few of my favorite sites--had he not come in I might have masturbated (indeed, I was just about to). But it is amazing that within 5 minutes of closing the sites I felt fine, not addicted and anxious, but like God had intervened to save me from caving in. I feel I can make it the rest of today without masturbating at all, which would be great since I have some work I need to get done. I know the only way to stop these intense cravings for sex is abstinence: I have to remember that looking at porn does not alleviate the urges, it only suspends them for a hour or so. It only makes me crave porn even more the next time (not to mention how bad I feel for the next 24 hours).

So I feel blessed to have survived most of this day; it has been one filled with cravings. But I still feel impulsive--I spent hours trying to bust through K9 and find arousing pictures that don't get filtered. It keeps me from seeing nudity/porn and keeps me from binging--but I still feel the need to browse, still feel lustful. I need to keep doing ERP, and keep changing my brain for the better so that one day I won't need a filter at all, I just won't want to use porn.

Hopefully make it through to tomorrow.

James

Another really great success, but it was tough. I had about 4 different cravings in the span of a few hours this morning when my roommate was away: I tried to do ERP but found myself on his computer browsing a few sites. At one point I had full access to some sites with thousands of videos and began to check out the "latest" videos. But something stopped me, I just got a weird feeling and closed the tabs. I went to my room and read the first step in the SAA green book.

Then I did ERP and took a shower, praying to god for the strength to just eat breakfast, get dressed and get out of the apartment sober. But I went back again, eventually getting naked and loading up a few sites: this time I thought I was done for, saying something like "whatever I've made it 10 days or so, it was a good ride." I was extremely horny and I almost started to masturbate when I had a thought about how I would be outside within the next hour, walking around in the cold, feeling guilty and shameful. I pictured sitting on the bus later today, feeling dejected, with no way to cheer me up since I had would have already acted out and be far away from my computer. I shut down the sites, cleared the history, went to my room and reminded myself all the progress I have made: the filter I have customized to protect me, all the posts I have made here, all the meetings I have gone to, the $15 green book I bought, the cute girls I have been going out with, all of the improvement my brain has made--what is the point all of this stuff if I'm just going to act out anyway and compromise all of these things.

I went back to make sure the history was cleared when I got an urge to check out another site--but it didn't work, saying the server was too busy or something. It felt like a sign that I had made the right choice, that God was proud that I didn't masturbate and was giving me a little extra help. The next 2 hours I still felt the need to look, but right about now I feel terrific, knowing my rational brain is probably as strong as it has been in months, and that no craving is too strong if I stick to my recovery plan. Between doing ERP, asking God for help, staying out of the apartment during certain times, calling a friend when I feel like acting out etc. I know this addiction is beatable, I just know it.

Tomorrow's goal is to stay sober, this time hopefully without even making it to the computer in the first place. If I even get close to browsing, I am going to call an SAA member and tell him (or the answering machine) the situation; this has worked very well for me so far.

Good day today, was on my roommates computer for about 2 minutes before I came to my senses, didn't see a thing.

Just finished a workout and decided to browse some hot images for a bit--I got excited but stopped and did masturbate. These days have been hard but I have been able to avoid masturbating to porn, and have only masturbated to images once in the last week. If I can make it to my SAA meeting without a slip I am going to add masturbation to images into my inner circle--a behavior that I want to completely avoid. I think I have made enough progress to step it up a notch, to eliminate masturbation to any visual stimulation--pornographic or otherwise--from my life.

I am also adding few new keywords to block on k9 tomorrow, there are a few things I can type in to generate enticing images and this help will help get rid of that. I promised God and myself I wouldn't masturbate today (I did last night) and I think I can do it, and move on to tomorrow.

Still having trouble masturbating to images online. I have no access to pornographic videos but masturbated twice (once to some cute girls, then again to some sexually explicit images I managed to find). I will block those sites with K9, but I'm disappointed how reliant I am on the filter. I could have gone out tonight, or got some work done--instead I sat around and masturbated, same problem as always. Not a relapse, but still disappointed that I couldn't do better. I can block as many websites as I want, but I can't stop myself from masturbating to other images and fantasies.

I didn't even try to do ERP, I just went right ahead. What am I going to do when I go home or visit a friend and have internet access with no filter? It's like I become super excited at having access to porn, and I just have to get my fill before I lose access again. Maybe I'm not getting better, maybe my brain hasn't changed at all, maybe I am totally at the mercy of the filter.

Ugh, frustrating. When I masturbate without anything, I feel horny later in the day, but if I totally abstain, then I feel even more like caving. I am changing my policy--no masturbation to images of any kind, if I do it is acting out and I am back on day 1. I have to make some progress, I can't be satisfied with just avoiding porn videos, I have to stop seeking out stimulation on the computer all together. What if my future wife caught me masturbating to a picture of some woman online, would she think it is ok just because it's not porn?

Speaking of which, I am also confused what I want to do with some girls I'm seeing. Part of me wants to lose my virginity, but if I start having sex in my addicted state, I know I will just crave it more and more. I'd probably just start using girls for sex, pretending to me romantically interested just to get some action, but disappointing them and feeling bad myself. But if I try and stay a virgin, I'm worried I won't find a girl who is also one, I don't like the idea of my wife having had a bunch of partners and would like to find a girl who might also be a virgin, but these days I'm not sure how many there are.

For now, all I want is sobriety, I need to strengthen the rational brain and make better choices. I am making a promise for 24 hours with no p/m tomorrow, and I will post if I do not hold up. I am prepared to do ERP several times tomorrow, as much as needed, to try and make up for tonight. Again, this was a good week, avoided slips, but I need to take the next step and get rid of the images, as they will only lead to more pain and unhappiness.

Hi James,

How often do you call other SAA members? My sponsor suggested that in my first 30 days of sobriety I should call at least 2 members per day, and encourage them to call me as part of their program as well.

Also, how much time per day do you need to use your computer for work etc? I've heard that many ISPs have features that limit internet use to certain hours. I understand what you said about feeling reliant on a filter, but you have to do what's necessary. At this point the only thing that's important is to build up some sobriety so that you attain the clarity needed to work your program.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

I have not been calling every day, it doesn't seem like the people in this group call that often--only for emergencies. But maybe I should start using the phone more, trying to encourage everyone to make themselves available. A lot of them work during the day, which makes it harder but even reaching the answering machine is better than nothing.

I slipped twice today--once on my roommates computer and then just now to images. I had been seeing girls all day and thought about how I wanted to sleep with them all, I feel so corrupt and immoral. All of these nice people with their own lives and ambitions and I just see them all as objects, creatures whose only purpose is to fuel my addiction. I have a date with a girl coming up this week--and as I was acting out all I was fantasizing about her performing oral sex on me after our date.

ERP hasn't been working, I breathe in slowly but still cave, I try to say positive things but I just don't care, I try to leave my apartment but stay just long enough to act out, or run back to it after I have left. It's been tough, but I'm going to try and make it so all images are blocked on my pc and schedule a routine so that I leave the apartment before my roommate each morning to reduce temptations. Still struggling, but never giving up, that's for sure.