Feed the Right Wolf

Good job James,

Like you, I cannot allow myself to visit Youtube anymore. I can't even visit Yahoo.com or Msn.com because of the possible triggers.
It's sad, but its a sacrifice I have to make. Too much danger lurking around there.

Some times I think, I want to listen to a few songs on youtube, and then I remember what I used to look at there and I have to stop.
I have a list of "safe" sites in my brain, and those are the only ones I can visit anymore. Only about 4-5 sites in total I am allowed to visit now.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

Youtube is in my middle circle. Sometimes I want to go listen to a song, so now I use a tool called bookending. It's basically calling or talking to someone before you do something in your middle circle and letting them know what you're going to do, then again afterward to let them know you're done. This definitely helps keep my mind where it should be. Whenever I get on youtube, I text my fiance and let her know I'm opening youtube, what I'm going to search for, and then text her again when I'm closing youtube.

Remember that this is for middle circle activities, i.e. anything that may lead to your inner circle and acting out.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

When it comes to music there is a site called grooveshark that has a large library of music with few ads I believe. I hope this helps!

_________________

Hi Absolution,

I like the technique of telling someone what we are doing. That will really work i believe. Thanks for sharing.

Hi beingclean,

Thanks for the website name, hope it would be helpful for many over here.

_________________
Last day PMO - 08/05

Really crazy couple of days--but luckily still sober from pornography. Friday I almost went and got the password to my K9 filter to disable it but came to my senses. I was insane that day, I probably would have acted out 4 times in a row. Ended up masturbating to fantasy but oh well, I'll gladly take it over a day of binging.

Had some good days between then and today, some totally sober, others masturbating but a good weekend. Then today I got the crazy idea--since my roommate has been out of town and took his laptop with him--to go to the library and look at porn. I found a computer in the back and tried to download some videos onto my external harddrive that I had with me--but I said "what on earth is this coming to accomplish? nothing, get out of here" and left. However, I went back and did it again--even worse I printed out two photos of girls I used to know, planning on masturbating to the photos when I got home.

I was running home, trying to get back before I thought to do ERP--I was insatiably horny and certainly insane. I slowed down, thought about the 5 days without masturbating to porn, and how looking at the videos I had wouldn't help me, it wouldn't only make me feel worse, and ruin my entire week! I found a quiet spot and called a member in my SAA group, he asked me what I was thinking and I told him. He reminded me how I would probably feel like crap afterwards and how bad I would feel telling this story to everyone at the meeting on Saturday. He told me to turn around and go do something fun and healthy, so I told him I would go to a nearby arcade to get my mind of things.

But first, I walked over to a dumpster, ripped up and threw away the photos I had printed out, and threw the flash drive as hard as I could into the ground, shattering it. I threw what was left of it in the dumpster and hung out at the arcade. When I got home, I was still horny and ended up masturbating to some images (fully clothed, non-pornographic ones) which I am not super pleased about (images are in my middle circle) but I did shut them down and finish masturbating without them. Today was so brutal, that I just had to have a release of some kind and I am really happy I didn't binge to porn and I was able to call a member.

I have been masturbating about once every 2 days which is an improvement for me. I am going to try and stay on this schedule, and so the goal this week is to be totally sober tomorrow--stay away from the library or anywhere with computers--and make it to Thursday afternoon, when I will allow myself to masturbate without any visual stimulation. This would be a healthy routine to get into, and I really hope I can stick with it.

Great day today, no porn whatsoever and no masturbation just like I had promised. I will be masturbating tomorrow with no visuals whatsoever and will continue my routine of masturbating every other day (which means 3-4 times a week). Sometimes I feel like I could do better (1-2 times maybe) but I just want to establish a routine and not get ahead of myself--if I set the expectations too high (like setting goals of 90 days sober) I often crack under the pressure. Abstaining from porn and masturbating in a healthy way semi-frequently is a goal that I know I can do right now (I have been for a week) and want to stick with it.

I also got out of isolation today and hung out with some friends for a few hours. During this time I didn't even think about porn--it was great. Otherwise I had perhaps 2 cravings which went away pretty quickly, I also spent time thinking about how happy I was I called an SAA member yesterday to avoid masturbating to porn. I still feel bad I was that close but know that in exercising my rational brain and making the smart decision, I will be better able to make the same choice in the future. That's all for now, on to tomorrow!

Hi James,

Good job using your tools to stay sober. My sponsor has me calling 2 people a day every day while I work the 2nd step, and although I felt like phone calls really didn't do much for me when I didn't feel I needed it, I was of course wrong. I have got a lot out of talking to other addicts every day. Keep coming back and keep moving forward!

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Still sober, nearing the 2 week mark. Yesterday was great, but today I was in the library and got the urge to google the name of a pornstar. I quickly closed down some of the pictures (safe search was on, all clothed) but then started thinking about actually looking at porn. I moved to a computer in the back and thought about going on a site just to see what was new, first going onto youtube. But I started to do ERP and reminded myself how it doesn't matter if there are new videos--there always will be, who cares. I also told myself how there is no point in browsing since I am not going to be watching, all it would do is make me wonder more about what the video would be like and how I could masturbate to it; all triggers that I don't need.

So I didn't go to any sites and shut off the computer and left. Still disappointed that I would even try to trigger myself in the library at all since I could get caught if someone came by, and that my curiosity continues to lead me to want to see "what's new." There will be a point where there are hundreds of thousands of pornographic films I have never seen and that's a good thing: I want to be able to say I have no idea who the current pornstars are or what the big sites are. I am not "missing out" on anything, or depriving myself of new and exciting things: rather, I am abstaining from a very damaging, mind-altering substance that threatens my future career, family, and ability to live a happy life. I need to remind myself of that last sentence more often, because when I have cravings I tend to get curious, thinking that I need to know what is on the internet. But I know this isn't true, that there are many other healthy things in this world I should be exploring.

Overall a great week but my roommate comes back this weekend and I'll have more opportunities to cave. But I also have my meeting tomorrow and a busy day Sunday (lots of things going on next week in general which is good) so I hope to stay sober in March.

I have bookmarked your lastest post, I have never seen a post that has precisely said what I am going through and what I'm thinking like yours ( namely, you will never see all the porn in the world yet you can't help but try) and given such good reasons as to why you shouldn't slip. I have been caught in a library watching porn before and trust me it is not fun. I thank you for the post and good luck!

_________________

I like the post as well. There's a saying in AA: "One drink is too many, and a thousand is never enough". There will always be something new, but at what cost?

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore