Just relapsed, and feeling somewhat bad about it. I came home after seeing a ton of cute girls walking around having fun and felt sad. I should have hung out in the lobby and calmed down instead of going to my room, I should have called someone as soon as I felt at risk. But I just went up, saw my roommate wasn't there and acted out twice, masturbating to pornography the first time and images of girls the second, fantasizing about having sex with them. This comes after almost a week of no masturbation, so I feel like I can do this again. I do better when I abstain from both P and M, because I get horny and fantasize when I masturbate and I think it triggers me. When I avoid both, I tend to have longer sobriety streaks so I will continue on; if I can go 14 days without both, I will allow masturbation around twice a week without images.
But I'm a long way away from there, I need to take it one day at time and make the rest of today sober. Then tomorrow I need to do ERP and breathe 10 times, not 5 like I tend to do, and say a real good prayer. At my meeting Saturday, I will exchange numbers with everyone I can, so I will have more people to call when I'm feeling at risk. Whenever I am near my apartment and feeling bad, I need to make a call, I can't wait until I get in front of the computer. I did a little fourth step work today and realized the following things I need to change if I am ever going to get sober for good.
1. I am too curious about people, and this hurts my spiritually. I check girls out on facebook, go through their photos, go through people's posts to one another, and try to find out about people through other sources (webpages, friends) rather than talk to them personally. Part of this is my fear of rejection, that I want to know about someone before I say something stupid, or that I want to find out if a girl is single before I ask her out.
This curiosity manifests itself in my addiction: I have to know what the new videos are, or if a site has been updated or has new content. I get so curious about porn that I look just to "stay up to date," why can't I just not care what is on the internet?
2. I feel beneath all of the pretty women I see on a daily basis, I resent them and objectify them, thinking they are too stupid for me to date and that all they are good for is sex. I have recently shunned the idea of dating anyone younger than me, since they are probably immature and drink and have sex with random guys. I hate seeing attractive 19 year girls out having fun and laughing, imagining that they see me walking by myself and think I must be a loser with no friends. I get angry at them for being pretty and seemingly carefree, and think that their lives must awesome and without problems (though I know that everyone has issues, not just me).
When I act out, I fantasize about having sex with them in a dominating way, as if I am a big strong man who is more powerful than them, that they are sexually attracted to me and overpowered by me. As I masturbate to this scenario, I often say degrading things toward them out loud as a way of demeaning them, to get back at them for thinking they are so much better than me. This is a common theme in pornographic films that tap into this portion of the male psyche and the desire to get revenge on women who have rejected us. Like many addicts, I turned to porn because I was unsuccessful with women and wanted to "get back at them" by having virtual sex with hundreds of them. But it has only left me feeling more ashamed and powerless than ever.
Therefore, it is more than just doing ERP everyday and using the phone when I am triggered (though these are certainly vital). I need to change my innermost beliefs and perspectives if I am ever going to gain sobriety.
If I continue to objectify women during the day, I will continue to act out when I get home. If I continue to get angry at younger women, I will always hold them in spite and want to get back at them. Jealousy, envy, anger, being nosy: these are negative qualities that I need to greatly reduce if I am going to get sober. Starting tomorrow morning I am adding the following to my daily routine:
1. In my morning prayer I will continue to ask God for the strength to take it one day at a time and will read the following statement:
"Women are beautiful creatures just like us, whom God created them to love us and be loved, not to be objectified. Every girl I see today is a real person filled with hopes and dreams and likely has all kinds of issues and problems just like me. Rather than get mad at them, I'm going to root for them to have happy, successful lives and hope they each find a nice guy they can marry."
Maybe kinda sappy, but it's true: they are not trying to make me feel bad nor are they laughing at me or making fun of me. They are just living their lives and trying to be happy just like me.
2. I promise to anyone reading this journal to talk to one girl every day and be nice to her. This means going up to someone and giving a compliment, asking a question (where is something located etc.), making small talk, or just saying hi. Not only will this get me out of isolation and force me to engage with real people, it will remind me that real women can be wonderful to talk to: they are not pornstars who have sex for money but are interesting people with jobs or in school. I have never personally spoken to a pornstar (and never want to) and cannot talk to a picture, but real women can be approached and spoken to in a polite manner.
This might be scary at first and I might creep some people out, but with time I think I will get used to being social for its own sake, and I will start to view women as potential friends rather than objects. In addition, I want to stop being so curious and nosy, and let God guide me through life rather than trying to accumulate information in a sneaky way.
Long post, but I needed it. I'll keep it short tomorrow, hopefully just saying I've been sober 24 hrs.