Feed the Right Wolf

Hi james,

I really appreciate for the come back. Sticking to a strict routine really helps. Stay on your routine. Good luck to you.

_________________
Last day PMO - 08/05

Felt crappy all day, had to masturbate and did but without pornography. Technically today was my first sober day in a few days, but I feel so bad that it hardly seems like it. I was hoping not to masturbate and tried to use ERP but I gave in, thought about looking up some images to help but thankful I decided to just finish without them. The good news is that I have kept up my routine of waking up at the same time every day, immediately doing a full ERP session before I leave my room, morning prayer, three full meals a day, plenty of water, journaling, and a bedtime prayer. I may be struggling with porn, but I am sticking to a healthy routine.

An SAA member today told me after the meeting not to get too down since I had been doing well the previous weeks. He noted that this is a good routine and that even though the benefits of feeding the right wolf haven't shown up yet, they will eventually. I am no longer guaranteeing any amount of sobriety, not even 24 hours. But I will guarantee to anyone reading this that I will stick to my routine tomorrow, no exceptions. I will do ERP right when I get up, and not cut it short; I will do ERP when I am feeling sad or find myself fantasizing about girls or sex; I will call someone on the phone if I realize my roommate is away and start to have urges.

And the rest will take care of itself, maybe I will do all of these things and just act out. I can't control that, I am powerless over my addiction and fully admit it. But I am totally in control of sticking to my routine and using the resources (phone, ERP, etc.) to help--if I just give up trying to resist, and let these resources help, I will be sober tomorrow.

Feeling sad today. The weather has gotten nice and there have been lots of pretty girls out having fun, I feel too old to go talk to them and so I am just sitting indoors instead. This girl I like to continues to pretend to be busy so she doesn't have to go out with me and pretty much ignored me when I tried to flirt with her today. I know perfectly well what I need to do here: stop chasing someone who isn't interested and move on with my life. I need to get focus on my own life: keep a healthy routine, work out and get stronger, study/work hard, and just be social with people and make more friends. If I can just be a more well-rounded person, women will see that and give me a chance. But longing and hoping, or chasing after her, or lamenting the fact that it isn't happening won't do anything--it will only make me feel worse and prevent improvement.

So the rest of the today I am going to dedicate to taking care of errands, exercising at the gym, and getting to bed at a decent hour. Maybe God doesn't want me to get hung upon on any one girl right now, and wants me to see just how many really nice, quality people are out there first. Maybe he wants me to get some sobriety in me first, and just not think about dating right now. I am content with this, the most important thing I can do right now I stick to my schedule, get out of isolation, and just feed the right wolf. I have been sober all day, which is exactly what I needed.

Felt good today, got out of isolation and had lunch with some friends. When I got home tonight I felt bored, I thought about my life without porn and it just felt uninteresting, like what else do I do now? I ended up taking a long nap, which means my sleep schedule is a bit messed up but that's ok--the most important thing today is that I did not act out. I am just taking it one day at a time, and trying to see if I can get a nice streak of abstinence going. I am going to try again to go a few days in a row, maybe a full week with no masturbation, just to restart my brain. Then I'd like to settle in to a habit of masturbating 2-3 times a week without any visual component. All I care about right now is getting through tomorrow sober.

Another sober day for me. Had a 10 second slip when I snuck into my roommates room when he was in the showering and looked at the homepages of two porn sites, but I didn't see any nudity and closed them both quickly. As I went to take my own shower I thought about going back to get a better look at the "new" videos--I was having a craving. But I did some serious ERP, maybe like 12 deep breaths and told myself to get dressed and just get out of the apartment for the day.

I felt kind of bored and wishing I was acting out but the feelings went away and I have felt great ever since. I had my phone on me ready to call an SAA member if needed but it wasn't necessary. I am glad ERP worked for me today and I'll be ready to do it again tomorrow if needed, in addition to my morning practice of course.

Hi James,

I'm glad you're still fighting to move forward.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Still sober, though I find myself still tired at the end of the day. I need to get more sleep and eat better, I had a bunch of fatty foods and junk food, and slept too late. I stupidly went to a porn site at the library site just to "check" something. Why did I do that, what is the point? I was trying not to look too hard so I wouldn't see anything offensive, but then what was the point in going there? To see if the site was still running? To see if I could get away with it? To see if I could shut it off quickly and do ERP?

None of these reasons make any sense, and I need to do ERP before I sit down at a computer that is unfiltered. Not only is this risky, but had I looked for say a minute or so and got a glimpse of some content, it would trigger curiosity in my brain to watch the whole movie and masturbate. This is no good--it is hard to enough to keep the sexual thoughts away as it is, never mind if I were to get a "preview" of what these thoughts actually look like.

That said, I am almost a week sober, and have not even masturbated since Saturday (which wasn't using porn). I called an SAA member last night when I saw my roommate wasn't hope which was really smart. Today I woke up and he was gone so I quickly ran into his room and logged him out of his account, meaning I'd need his password to get back in. He probably won't notice that he was logged out and this made it impossible for me to look afterwards. It is strange to be celibate for so long but it feels really good actually. Right now, I just want to make sure that tomorrow is a totally sober day so that I can post about it when I get home.

Just relapsed, and feeling somewhat bad about it. I came home after seeing a ton of cute girls walking around having fun and felt sad. I should have hung out in the lobby and calmed down instead of going to my room, I should have called someone as soon as I felt at risk. But I just went up, saw my roommate wasn't there and acted out twice, masturbating to pornography the first time and images of girls the second, fantasizing about having sex with them. This comes after almost a week of no masturbation, so I feel like I can do this again. I do better when I abstain from both P and M, because I get horny and fantasize when I masturbate and I think it triggers me. When I avoid both, I tend to have longer sobriety streaks so I will continue on; if I can go 14 days without both, I will allow masturbation around twice a week without images.

But I'm a long way away from there, I need to take it one day at time and make the rest of today sober. Then tomorrow I need to do ERP and breathe 10 times, not 5 like I tend to do, and say a real good prayer. At my meeting Saturday, I will exchange numbers with everyone I can, so I will have more people to call when I'm feeling at risk. Whenever I am near my apartment and feeling bad, I need to make a call, I can't wait until I get in front of the computer. I did a little fourth step work today and realized the following things I need to change if I am ever going to get sober for good.

1. I am too curious about people, and this hurts my spiritually. I check girls out on facebook, go through their photos, go through people's posts to one another, and try to find out about people through other sources (webpages, friends) rather than talk to them personally. Part of this is my fear of rejection, that I want to know about someone before I say something stupid, or that I want to find out if a girl is single before I ask her out.

This curiosity manifests itself in my addiction: I have to know what the new videos are, or if a site has been updated or has new content. I get so curious about porn that I look just to "stay up to date," why can't I just not care what is on the internet?

2. I feel beneath all of the pretty women I see on a daily basis, I resent them and objectify them, thinking they are too stupid for me to date and that all they are good for is sex. I have recently shunned the idea of dating anyone younger than me, since they are probably immature and drink and have sex with random guys. I hate seeing attractive 19 year girls out having fun and laughing, imagining that they see me walking by myself and think I must be a loser with no friends. I get angry at them for being pretty and seemingly carefree, and think that their lives must awesome and without problems (though I know that everyone has issues, not just me).

When I act out, I fantasize about having sex with them in a dominating way, as if I am a big strong man who is more powerful than them, that they are sexually attracted to me and overpowered by me. As I masturbate to this scenario, I often say degrading things toward them out loud as a way of demeaning them, to get back at them for thinking they are so much better than me. This is a common theme in pornographic films that tap into this portion of the male psyche and the desire to get revenge on women who have rejected us. Like many addicts, I turned to porn because I was unsuccessful with women and wanted to "get back at them" by having virtual sex with hundreds of them. But it has only left me feeling more ashamed and powerless than ever.

Therefore, it is more than just doing ERP everyday and using the phone when I am triggered (though these are certainly vital). I need to change my innermost beliefs and perspectives if I am ever going to gain sobriety.

If I continue to objectify women during the day, I will continue to act out when I get home. If I continue to get angry at younger women, I will always hold them in spite and want to get back at them. Jealousy, envy, anger, being nosy: these are negative qualities that I need to greatly reduce if I am going to get sober. Starting tomorrow morning I am adding the following to my daily routine:

1. In my morning prayer I will continue to ask God for the strength to take it one day at a time and will read the following statement:

"Women are beautiful creatures just like us, whom God created them to love us and be loved, not to be objectified. Every girl I see today is a real person filled with hopes and dreams and likely has all kinds of issues and problems just like me. Rather than get mad at them, I'm going to root for them to have happy, successful lives and hope they each find a nice guy they can marry."

Maybe kinda sappy, but it's true: they are not trying to make me feel bad nor are they laughing at me or making fun of me. They are just living their lives and trying to be happy just like me.

2. I promise to anyone reading this journal to talk to one girl every day and be nice to her. This means going up to someone and giving a compliment, asking a question (where is something located etc.), making small talk, or just saying hi. Not only will this get me out of isolation and force me to engage with real people, it will remind me that real women can be wonderful to talk to: they are not pornstars who have sex for money but are interesting people with jobs or in school. I have never personally spoken to a pornstar (and never want to) and cannot talk to a picture, but real women can be approached and spoken to in a polite manner.

This might be scary at first and I might creep some people out, but with time I think I will get used to being social for its own sake, and I will start to view women as potential friends rather than objects. In addition, I want to stop being so curious and nosy, and let God guide me through life rather than trying to accumulate information in a sneaky way.

Long post, but I needed it. I'll keep it short tomorrow, hopefully just saying I've been sober 24 hrs.

Hi James,

You had a lot of great things to say in the post. I'm sorry you're having trouble, but I want to say again I admire you for coming this far and sticking to your decisions.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Edit:

Caved. Again. After posting how I wouldn't. Ugh...frustrating. I can't even bear to look at the post I wrote before. Sometimes I think journaling does nothing, you post about your feelings, and then just act out anyway. As soon as I write about feeling good and sober, I am writing about caving an hour later.

I just couldn't catch a break on the way home, cravings everywhere, cute girls on the bus. I finally calmed down and did ERP when two more annoying but attractive girls set right next to me and started talking to eachother. I got so horny and angry at them and wanted to find photos of them and masturbate to them. But I didn't, I kept my composure and went home promising to call an SAA member if my roommate was gone. He was home so I felt ok, but then he left soon after and I went and acted out.

Well, at least it was just a regular porn site like I had said, nothing weird just girls having sex. But it sucks, I did everything right today too, I fought off a slew of cravings, I stayed positive despite feeling lousy and horny all day and just caved at the end. This week started off great too, but ended just like last week with back to back cavings. Last week I acted out three days, this week (if I am sober tomorrow) it will have been two days--some improvement I guess. All I can do is keep up the ERP practice, keep working on my first time, and stick to my healthy routine. It's gotta work eventually.