Feed the Right Wolf

Hi James,

How do you connect to your higher power?

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

I pray morning and night, asking God to watch over me and the people in my life and most importantly thanking him for his forgiveness for all of my acting out. I have been regularly attending church since January, and reading the SAA greenbook has a lot about spirituality. I also consider the group to be a power greater than myself, a community that cares, whose knowledge is greater than my own.

Been sober today and it feels good, I really needed a solid day. Furthermore I have two more pieces of good news regarding my recovery. First, I have committed to squeeze another meeting into my schedule; that will make it two meetings a week now which means I will always be just 3-4 days from a meeting. Second, I exchanged numbers with two more members today, for a total of three different people I can call when I need to. One guy said he is always down to be called and is happy to help; this made me feel good that people actually want to be called and that I am not bothering them. Hopefully I won't hesitate to use the phone when cravings hit in the future.

It's great you have multiple people to call, get as many numbers as you can! I have never made a phone call where the addict I called didn't thank me for calling him. That's what SAA is all about

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Exactly, when you call other people, it helps them out as well. I had to do ERP a few times today but I stayed sober. I really want to try and get a good period of sobriety in with no P or M, and then start masturbating maybe twice a week without any images. I think that would be a good way to refresh my mind and then get into a habit of healthy masturbation. I will probably never forget the images/videos I've seen, nor the names of all the pornstars/sites, but I don't care anymore--they will fade away enough for me to be happy. In any case, I'm just taking it one day at a time, and so on to tomorrow!

Feeling powerless after another relapse today. I keep making it 5 days, or 3 days without porn but I always cave. I kept dwelling on the porn I viewed last time: now I can't stop thinking about the crap I just looked at now. It is an endless cycle of me worried I'll never forget about the porn, and then looking at something else rather than abstain.I tried to do ERP, I must have breathed in and out 20 times but it wouldn't go away; it's so frustrating to do all the right things and fail anyway. Maybe I should forget trying not to masturbate for a week and just masturbate whenever I need to in order to not act out--it wouldn't saved me this morning.

I guess I was afraid of calling someone because they would be at work in the morning, I should've called anyway. I need to remember progress not perfection, I acted out 3 days a few weeks ago, 2 relapses last week, and so far one this week. If I can make it to this weekend (and I'll be with family so I should be safe), I will have improved to only one relapse in a week. That's all I can do for now.

Hi James,

Why don't you ask the people in your phone list when they're available? That way you will know who you can call at what time. Eliminate justifications as they come up.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Exactly, good point. If I, when in a craving, think there is any chance someone is too busy at work or can't be disturbed, I will rationalize things and not call. But I need people to be honest when they tell me because I know they will say "call me anytime" and I might not believe they are actually available. One guy I know is always free from the evening on, and another told me his work allows him to answer his cell phone during the day--I will designate him as the one I call when I have morning cravings.

Today was sober, that's what matters right now. I felt good all day, got out of isolation and stayed hydrated.

Acted out twice today. First time was this morning stupidly going on my roommates computer so I could use ERP to calm myself down. I am never intentionally going in there again, I will have more than enough cravings to practice doing ERP and calling a friend; I should only practice ERP when I am not in my apartment, since it unwise to imagine myself looking at porn when I could just immediately start looking for real. Then I acted out later in the day when my roommate went out again.

I am really struggling these days; no matter how motivated I get following a meeting, or how inspired I am reading the bible or the SAA greenbook, it wears off as soon as I become triggered. An SAA member called me tonight when he was feeling like going to an inappropriate place in his car, we talked for 20 minutes and he said he was going to go to bed instead. It felt great to help and asked me to call him anytime. I did what absolution said and told him I am very vulnerable in the morning when I wake up, before I can head out for the day. He told me he is wide awake by the time I get up and his work allows him to answer his phone without problem, he said not to think at all that he would be busy or something and that I have no excuse not to call.

This made me feel good: I have 4 SAA members to call and at the very least I can leave a voice message. Every relapse gives me new ideas for making progress and I have two new ones for anyone reading this to comment on.

1. I am making the phone my top priority right now when cravings hit. Instead of doing ERP first, I will pull out my phone and call someone. Then once I am chatting, I can do some breathing and calm down, and I will stay on the phone with the person until I am outside the building, maybe a block or two away. Once I am ready to hang up, I will then do my breathing exercise and remind myself all the benefits of walking away, and then thank God for protecting me from acting out. But at this point, I think the phone is the only thing that can stop me from acting out, I need to hear a human voice in my mind to get me to snap out of the trance I get into when cravings hit.

2. I am going to practice calling people even when I do not feel at risk. If I have even one bad idea in my apartment I will get on the phone. Furthermore, I am promising to everyone here that if I even set foot in my roommates room, for whatever reason, when he is not there I will call an SAA member and tell them that I am in there. If I call someone and then go act out anyway, than so be it, I am not going to promise any period of sobriety. But I am going to promise that entering his room when he is out means I make a phone call, even if I am just going in there to borrow something, close a window etc.

Meanwhile, I need to keep up my routine of prayer and thanking God for the small amounts of sobriety I have. I continue to work on writing out my first step and it feels good, I hope to finish within 2 weeks.

Made it through the day sober, without any cravings really. I am going to purchase a copy of "answers in the heart" which is a book of daily meditations that are really helpful and make you realize how great life is without sex addiction. We always read one at my SAA meetings but I'd like to start every morning out with reading a short meditation from the book, as I think it will calm me down before I start the day. Otherwise I just need to stick to my routine: morning prayer, having my cell phone ready to go if I need to make a call, plenty of water, healthy meals, being social, journaling, and bedtime prayer.

Hi James,

I was given Answers in the Heart and I read the daily meditation every morning. The more we do to recover, the better.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore