Feed the Right Wolf

Hi James,

It's great you reached out to another SAA member. Keep moving forward!

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Another really tough day, I felt like acting out all afternoon. Luckily, the only time I had a chance with the computer was this morning, and to my surprise I awoke feeling really great despite going to bed horny and worried about the morning. I actually made it out of the apartment no problem.

But this afternoon I foolishly went on youtube in the library and looked at some videos (non-nude preview of an actual porno) attempting to trigger myself, then I looked at pictures of girls online. I became curious about what the actual porno would be and what other recent movies would be available since I haven't been on the site recently. I immediately headed home to look at porn, but my roommate was home and so I went into my room and did ERP instead. I told myself two things over and over:

1. "Who cares about that new video, it won't make me feel good, it is just like any other sex scene. There's always going to be something new: for the rest of my life there's gonna be new videos I haven't seen, even if I binged for hours there would be something new, who cares."

2. "You almost have a week of sobriety, just make it through today and you'll feel amazing later."

Basically, I was telling myself to forget about being curious and forget about trying to see new content, and to just wait out the storm until tomorrow, when I will be super proud of myself for making it through today. I then called an SAA member just to tell him I had been dangerously close to acting out and that I needed to tell someone. He said he was glad I called and to remember how bad I would have felt had I made the wrong choice.

Still not feeling totally healthy right now, but at least I am not writing a miserable post about how I just acted out. That alone makes me feel better.

Were you intentionally trying to trigger yourself? What was the reason?

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

I wasn't intentionally doing it, I was having a craving/slip and wanted to look at porn, but I was in the library so I couldn't. So I was trying to get some glimpse of women that were clothed. I never attempt to trigger myself for practicing ERP anymore, I know now that's a stupid idea.

It's been almost a week without masturbation and the cravings are killing me; not just in terms of what I mentioned above but even when I get home I find myself browsing random sites looking for glimpes of any pictures I could masturbate to. I almost caved last night after finding some pictures and had to do ERP on a number of occasions. But I just keep telling myself that I just about have one week without masturbation, and that if I can shut off the images it will reinforce a good behavior of walking away from the computer. If I relapse today I would be really disappointed and so I need to just stay the course. Hopefully I can continue to ERP and make calls when I am triggered, because I have a feeling this will continue to be a tough week.

Hi James,

You're right about reinforcing a good behavior, and I'm glad you were able to maintain your sobriety.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Another sober day, but it wasn't easy. First I awoke having a craving; I called an SAA member who thankfully answered his phone at work and we talked. I logged out of my roommates account before I could get tempted and made it through the morning.

Then later I was at the library when I did a youtube search for some porn knowing that no nudity would actually show up--this was really stupid since it triggered me even worse, and knowing that I couldn't actually look at porn made me feel anxious for hours afterwards. I need to do ERP and call someone before I start looking for mildly triggering images, since they only make things worse. I know I am not going to be watching porn; I know I am avoiding masturbation for a certain period of time, so why would I engage in a middle circle behavior like looking at clothed pictures/videos of porn stars, when I know I am not going to go further.

This has been the case for the last 4 days, which have all been really frustrating since I am not masturbating. I honestly don't know how I've done it, I was close to giving in a number of times and luckily did ERP, shut off the computer, called someone on the phone, or something to abstain. I know that the next week will be even harder, and I need to do more than just not act out. I need to finish writing my first step and finish reading the articles on this site. Otherwise I will eventually cave in one these times.

That said, I am eternally grateful to God, this website, my fellow SAA members, and to my friends and family for helping me stay sober. This week has really sucked, but to look back on it and say I did not masturbate once makes all the frustration and mental agony worthwhile. I am going to exercise right now and then reward myself with a snack.

Relapsed the last two days--first I masturbated to images on a site that K9 is unable to block no matter what I try. I sent them a message about it but it looks like I am going to have to disable my internet all together. Then today I went on my roommates computer and masturbated to porn twice, first to some videos I had stupidly previewed the other day and then to a bunch of porn images.

It was a nice one week of sobriety, but it wasn't as productive as it could have been. By slipping a few times and checking out some new videos--even though I was just looking at the first 30 seconds where the performers are clothed--it led me to become so curious that I eventually gave in, and masturbated to the full length videos. It is not enough to avoid masturbation for me, I need to avoid the images and videos, and do as many other things as possible. I could go 2 months without masturbating, but if I keep browsing sites, it will make me so horny and curious that I will cave eventually. I need to spend more time away from the computer. Reflecting on the last week in these terms, I actually only was sober 4 days, since the other three I had close calls in which I sought out content before turning away.

But again, it's about progress not perfection. I can't beat myself up every time I slip, but if I allow myself to "just take a peak and shut it off" then I am just making things harder on myself, and making it more likely that I will act out later. I felt so crappy this whole week, I don't think I can go 90 days without masturbation--maybe I should just masturbate every 7 days not to porn. Maybe that will keep me from feeling extremely anxious and acting out. It's hard to know what is the best plan for recovery. At my meeting on Saturday I will ask for some feedback.

In the meantime, I cannot let 2 days of relapse send me back to where I was--binging for hours every single day. I am removing the internet cable from my room on Saturday and will get back in the habit of using the wireless lobby in my building. I used to do this before I had k9 installed but I stopped doing it. I am also in the process of finding a new apartment since my lease runs out at the end of the summer. All I want is somewhere a little cheaper than my current place, and to have no roommates. I don't need my own apartment, just my own, single, locked room: I am happy to share a bathroom and kitchen with other tenants, but I want to live on a floor in which everyone has a locked room and no one goes into eachother's room. My current situation gives me way too many opportunities to act out on my roommates computer and I cannot be trusted with anyone else. As soon as I sign the lease, the first thing I am doing is telling my roommate I have been going on his computer to use the internet (I think I will leave it at that) and that I am sorry but I couldn't help myself. Then I will say I have enjoyed living with him but I really need my own place so I can have no internet access at all.

All I can do is keep coming back.

I read that and it made me feel good, this is the sort of thing I face, thinking of the new young performer and the new scene that I haven't seen yet where everything is more intense than before.
It seems that no matter how much content you watch, there is always going to be a new performer that is more beautiful and that there is always going to be a scene that is more 'extreme' for lack of a better word in new ways.
In life, we are given the old ways of courting after a lady and hoping to attract her.
This takes a lot of time and energy so the instant gratification of watching a scene with a beautiful woman looms in waiting.

I respect you for making an effort to avoid this instant gratification, we all know it does not last.
Being with a loving woman, that can last, it does require much more work and dedication that doing nothing at all other than downloading a video and clicking play.

Good luck

I think you could simply use a software tool that limits you only to a list of 5-10 safe sites, with a password you don't know.
Also don't use tools as a crutch, it is not the tool that is addicted. Use your own discretion.

Also, please remember that the urge is more powerful at first.. it could get more intense for awhile and it slowly subsides afterwards and then comes and goes.

Good luck

What tool would that be that only allows 5-10 sites? That would be a lot better for me. Right now I am using K9 which does the opposite: allows everything but sites I have blocked, and every now and then I find explicit images that go unblocked. There is one site in particular that is a different kind of URL and cannot be blocked, I've tried and it always works. If I could just allow my email, the weather, and maybe one or two other important sites, and have the rest of the internet off limits I would feel better. But I don't know of any filters that work this way--that is, only allowing 2 or 3 sites and blocking the rest.

I've acted out three days in a row now after making it over a week without even masturbating. The fact that it is a religious weekend does not make a difference--it doesn't matter to my brain what the day or occasion is, it just craves the dopamine and I have been giving in. The only thing I can take solace in right now is that a fellow addict called me last night because he was thinking of acting out, we talked for a bit and he said he felt better and was going to bed. He has made it 3 weeks without acting out (he is addicted to other sexual behaviors as well as porn).

This makes me happy; I keep screwing up over and over, but at least I am helping someone else stay sober. This is how I want to lead my life, instead of thinking how I can stay sober, and about what I need to do to have a successful life, I should focus on how I can help others do the same. I don't even want to go to my meeting today, but I know that the other members need me there to share my experience with them. If I can help anyone else after the meeting, that is reason enough for me to go.

On this note, I have decided not to pursue this girl I was interested in. We had started to talk about meeting for drinks, but I know I am not in a position to date right now, I am deep in addiction right now and I occasionally find myself have romantic fantasies about her as well as objectifying her. She shouldn't have to put up with this, just because I am hurting myself doesn't mean I need to drag someone else into this. This really hurts to do because I would love to date her, but the thought of looking at porn behind her back and lying to her is just too much--it would be selfish to date her in this addicted state. I cannot make smart decisions about women right now, I cannot see them for who they are, and I am unable to evaluate them based on their personality or they compatible we might be--all I can do is think about having sex with them. I am not going to text her anymore and I will politely decline a date if she brings it up. She might think I no longer like her, but the truth is is that I am doing this because I like her.

It is going to be a while before I can think about dating and marriage as something God wants me to do, vs. activities that fill a need or a void in my life. I look forward to the day where marriage will be a way of bringing me closer to God and to another human being, a way of loving someone else and making them happy. Right now all I see it as is a way to have lots of sex with a women without guilt. I hope I can change this perspective, one day at a time.