Feed the Right Wolf

Well well. This is my recovery journal post online. Yesterday I took my huge step and registered to this site. So far I have managed to be sober for two weeks at most and today is my second day since my last relapse.

So as I said in my introduction post I have been following this site for some time now and finally registered here since fighting alone really did not pay of so it seems more better to start writing here daily.

So I am 18 years old now and have struggled whit the problem about five or six years even thought I realized and admitted to myself that I have a problem just few months ago and since then I have been struggling alone until yesterday.

So I really have nothing more to say now so I post again on the evening and tell how my day was and in future I try to end my days writing the journal.

In the end I want to quote Master Splinter (if anyone happens to know who he is ) "The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal."

_________________
"The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal."
-Master Splinter
"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1

So now doing this properly:

So this day was pretty good I did not felt any strong cravings and all went rather smooth. Now I write this down and right after that I am going to close my computer off and relax a bit maybe take a walk, read a book or something like that.

Check list:
Journaling
Prayer Morning
ERP
Hobbies: Drawing

Strong Emotions:
Excitement because writing this, Frustration, Joy

Negative Believes
Belief: I can control my addiction on my own
Truth: It is better to share than carry the burden alone.

Social skills
Well not much, played some time whit my cousin trough internet, so basically sat alone in my room whole day. So tomorrow I intend to visit my grandmother at least.

What positive did I learn today
Indian saying that goes: Certain things catch your eye but pursue only those that capture your heart.

Things I am thankful today'
I have my hobby: Drawing
I have friends and place where I can live event tough I don't always get along whit my parents.

Day count: 2

_________________
"The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal."
-Master Splinter
"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1

5.10.2012

Third day on the road. So Today is my third day to stay sober and usually that has always been the hardest day and the day when I most probably fall. Today I have been unable to focus on anything and my mind has just wandered away, but I have stayed off porn and that is good. Even thought this day has been like torture and I have always felt like this when my sobriety has been on danger, usually I have pushed the situation off by closing my computer more early and doing something else and that is what I am intend to do today as well.

On the morning I felt sleepy even thought I did sleep over eight hours but that might be due a small flu I am having.

Check list
Reading one chapter on recovery course
ERP

Strong emotions
Excitement and uneasy feeling because of unknown reasons, frustration that I get nothing done today, Emptiness lack of joy and inspiration.

Negative beliefs
Belief: My inability to focus will go of if go for porn. It's no use to fight, what harm it can make.
Truth: In long run using will just make me even more unable to focus on anything. It is worth to fight and stay sober, watching makes harm to me and those around me, it makes me angry and unstable.

Social Skills
Time whit my little brother
Playing whit my cousin
Plan was to visit my grandmother but I haven't done that yet, I might do that still before I go to sleep since she life's near...

What positive I did I learn today
Nothing.

Things I am thankful today
Existence of this forum.
That great fact that you can turn of your computer if feeling too dangerous.
So far I have managed to stay sober.

_________________
"The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal."
-Master Splinter
"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1

Welcome and great job for getting started, and staying strong so far. I like that you are aware that things will get harder because they will. Just be ready for it and be determined to do whatever it takes to avoid acting out. Know that there are lots of us going through the same thing. It's not easy, but if we stick with it one day at a time, and learn from our mistakes, we can all break free of this pointless addiction.

_________________
5/17/13

Hey Outofshadows,

Great going there!!If you are feeling depressed, go through some motivational or spiritual material.Also google for some ebooks on porn addiction.

I am from India.where are you from?

_________________
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Hi wecanwin. I am from Finland.
And both Vencer and Wecanwin thank you for your kind words and advices it really cheers me up

So then on today's journal post. So today I slept quite late and still felt tired partly because of my flu and partly because of my depression which is fading away. It is my fourth day and what I can tell about earlier times fourth day has never been very difficult for me and usually I have managed to stay sober for the next following days but then the seventh or eight day has usually been the day when I relapse, so far I don't remember being sober for longer than seven full days and I hope that I would this time go over that milestone.

So today was pretty normal day expect some little arguments between my mother and my little brother and also between me and my little brother... these arguments are actually quite common and happen almost every weekend because my little brother is kind of problem case, but I still like that little guy So that maked me to feel bit down today because it is not nice to argue.

Well then something about my feelings: Right now I am feeling like that everything is just one big chaos and all things in my life are unorganized. So I need not only to stop watching porn but make complete life change towards more healthier way since my habits are not the most healthiest. Because my life seems to be one big unorganized mess it seems to me that I don't have time for things I am interested in... But in reality I have time but I lack inspiration. I have tried that kind of change earlier but always they have failed because of the addiction, not on first relapse but after third relapse I have usually gone back down.

Wecanwin it is very good idea for me to read something spiritual and motivating because it usually helps and since my spiritual life is in somewhat down hill it would also boost it up. Usually I enjoy reading something spiritual especially something related to Native Americans I truly find their wisdom appealing for me, mainly because I enjoy about nature and often find it to be beautiful. From that comes to mind that I used to go for a walk every evening for about year a pass and also when I am visiting my cousins home place I usually take a walk whit their dog every evening and those walks are thing that I really enjoy because there I can thing and be alone and enjoy some fresh air so at least today I am taking walk before going to sleep and just ignore what others think about that.


Check list
Hobbies:Learning to use Gimb and using my boredom in picture manipulating, which was good because otherwise it would have been something triggering if not porn.
Journaling
ERP

Strong Emotions
Frustration because of my little brother and his some time bead behavior manners.
Anger because of some argumentation.

Negative Beliefs
Belief: It's just healthy way to "release pressure" or stress.
Truth: It is not healthy way and I just makes me more stressed. Taking a walk is better way.

Social Skills
Visit my grandmother: Who made us some apple pie.
Helping my mother to clean up.

What positive did I learn today
Nothing.

Things I am thankful today
Adrian Von Ziegler is back, his new song really cheered me up here is link for it if someone wants to hear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mzhubp0_D7I&feature=g-all-u
This journal and my ability to write because I truly enjoy writing not only to gather my thoughts but also to write poets and lyrics.
So far I have managed to stay sober.
Thankful for the apple pie my grandmother made, it was delicious.


Day count: 3 days 21 hours.

P.S. Now I am going to sauna which is very good way to relax and it is kind of tradition in here Finland to go in sauna at least once in week.

_________________
"The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal."
-Master Splinter
"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1

7.10.2012 Fourth journal entry:
Morning post

Well I since my sleeping rhythm is not so good at the moment I again slept quite long, but today I feel better and at the moment joy and inspiration are strong. I just hope that they don't fade away because usually happy situations make me to be less careful and then before I notice it I have relapsed. Yesterday evening I took that walk and decided to start making two posts in day, morning and evening, because I yesterday the writing here really helped me and cheered me up and partly because of that I feel now better.

So today is Sunday and very good day to relax and prepare to start seriously doing something on coming week and since I plan to start doing my workouts again tomorrow doing plan for that.

Things that Help staying sober
Music
Hobbies
Reading
Taking that walk on the evening

_________________
"The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal."
-Master Splinter
"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1

7.10.2012 Fourth entry:
[b] Evening post[/b]

So to day was just for relaxation, started to watch movie Dances whit the wolves and will finish that tomorrow. The movie is for me at least very inspiring. Today there was no strong cravings and after all it was smooth and good but it is often calm before storm. Today I try to go bed earlier and start the process of fixing my sleeping rhythm.

Check list
Enough sleep about 10 hours
Journaling
Erp
Relaxing
Reading one chapter in recovery course

Strong Emotions
Joy because has stayed sober
Little bit Anger that I can't explain why I felt it and Frustration too

Negative beliefs
Belief: Sooner or later I fill relapse and go back into the prison of addiction.
Truth: It is my choice and trough work I can stop the addiction and brake the chains.

Social Skills
Time whit my little brother.

What positive did I learn
You never know what good might be waiting around corner, today's good feeling and joy was unexpected.

Things I am thankful today
So far stayed sober
This good feeling

Day count: 4 days 19 hours

_________________
"The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal."
-Master Splinter
"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1

8.10.2012 Fifth Entry
Morning

Day count so far: 5 days 8 hours


I was able to get up earlier but it seems this day goes on nurturing my flu and that cause a little bit of frustration because I planed to do some workout today... I might even have fever so it is better just cure this before starting to do workouts. So today's plan is to finish the movie I started yesterday, read few chapters in recovery course and watch and read something motivational and spiritual.

Now I feel quite fine but I felt some temptation while still in bed but was able to deal whit that using ERP and remembering my motivational statements.

Things that help staying sober
Writing this journal
Hobbies
Music
ERP
Taking walk on the evening

_________________
"The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal."
-Master Splinter
"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1

8.10.2012 Evening

This day has been pretty good so far but now I start to have sings of craving: I feel unable to focus and I have slight headache which have always been sings of danger and this time of day is the one of most dangerous for me, because of that I will close my computer for now. Also my parents arguing makes me frustrated and has usually driven me to relapse...

Check list
Enough sleep about 8 hours
Journaling
Reading two chapters from recovery course
ERP
Reading something spiritual
Healthy hydration

Strong Emotions
Joy and Relief it's sixth day already thought the journey is just beginning
Anger because my parents arguing
Frustration for same reason

Negative Believes
Belief: Watching can help me to forgot my problems
Truth: That maybe so for a short moment but after acting out the pain will go back at least ten times stronger.

Social Skills
Visit my grandmother accompanied by my mother.
Time whit my little brother.

What positive did I learn
There is always hope even when everything seems to be hopeless and one can find that hope by not giving up.

Things I am thankful today
So far stayed sober

Day count: 5 days 19 hours

_________________
"The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal."
-Master Splinter
"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1