Feed the Right Wolf

Hello everyone. I have a similar story then most on this site. I have struggled with mb and pornography since I was young. I'm in my 40's now, married, religious and I've been sober for over a year now. I confessed to my wife last year and was a member of Candeo for a few months. I got moving in the right direction. The last few months I've felt the urges getting stronger and on days I'm BLASTED I start toward the funnel and I slipped and viewed some pornography but no mb. I feel like I crawed back out and didn't fall through the funnel. I decided I needed to activiely feed the right wolf and not fall back into old habits. I found this website when I was looking for a free version of Candeo. The concepts on this site are very similar to Candeo and its helped me make it through some BLASTED days. Just reading the forums has given me new strength to stay sober. My wife is also a big help for me. I try to communicate with her when Im having a bad day. Her self esteem has been damaged because of my issues and I find it hard to let her know when Im having urges because I don't want her to think it has anything to with her because it doesn't. I'm starting this Journal so I can talk about my struggles. It helps! Im just not very good a Journaling.

Some thoughts:
This is how I've avoided mb and pornography.

Wife checking on me
Filters at home wife has the password.
Filters at work
Computers out in the open at work and home

Flaws in my system that make it possible for me to slip.

No filter on my work laptop
No filter on my phone
I'm the IT guy at work I have the passwords

Work is now a not so safe place if Im feeling BLASTED. I've decieded if Im feeling urges to come to this site and read the material and read the forums and write in my journal. So, far so good!

So I've been watching the storm on the East Coast on twitter. Then I see a tweet from someone half nude about the storm and I think, Hey lets see who that is. Turns out its a porn star and I start down the path I'm trying to avoid. So, I realize what I'm doing and decide to go write in on my journal page. So, here I am.

The internet is just full of triggers!!!!!

I've been doing good. The urges seem to be diminishing a bit. I've been reading the material on this site and your forum posts. I find if if actively battle my addiction it helps instead of just hoping it will go away on its own. I've also been doing some ERP exercises. It works!

Keep it up Cooper! Your track record of staying sober it incredible, and I am so glad your wife is sticking with you in it all.

We're all in this together. If it's getting a bit too much for you, turn the computer off and go for a wall

_________________
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
(Proverbs 16:3)

30 days bronze achieved!

60 days silver achieved!

100 days gold achieved!

I've been doing great. I had a great weekend. I'm back on track again. I like it when I can go through the day and not have any thoughts or urges to note. Thanks for your encouragement!

I did really good for a week of two and now I'm having really strong urges again. I don't want to ruin things. I've done so good for so long. I've gone to a bad site a few times and I hurry and shut it down but I keep wanting to go back. Its so stupid!!! No MB but I feel like I'm slipping back to porn. I don't want to tell my wife. I need to stay strong.

Hang tough! Your posts are inspiring and I read them sometimes.
You have done a great job. Just substitute the wish to do "P" with something completely different.
You will make it!

Thanks Nebraska, Its nice to have people rooting for me! Ive doing been doing really good this past week. I've been able to resist a urges. About a week ago I was left home for an hour by myself with my electronic devices availible and was able to fight off urges and do something else. I felt triuphant! Since then its been even easier. I'm back on track.

What are you doing to fight off the urges? Whatever it is, I'm glad it's working for you.

I have to stay busy. If I'm board and alone I can get into trouble. Also, not wanting to let my family down is a big motivator. No matter how good porn feels I can't let it ruin my life. I bring to mind what will happen If I give in to the urges and that makes me want to stop. If I get into a situation where I could slip I get my self out of that situation. I go somewhere safe or do something safe like work in the yard.