Feed the Right Wolf

hello everybody ,

I'm 42 and have been for 31 years masturbate and porn addict. I've tried to fight my addiction many times.
For a month I've had a new plan and way to recover. I decided not to masturbate and see porn more than once a day in the beginning. Then I tried to be one day sober and for a week I have done two sober days between acting out. My body and psyche got used to the gap ( although it was sometimes frustrating ) . Now I'm doing my three day's gap . My plan is to put up the sober gape one day more . When the gape is out I act out. I must get used to be sober little by little. I couldn't apply myself too much effort in the beginning. I feed my right wolf praying, reading Bible every day and being in a Christian group. I haven't told my wife that I've been still addicted because her reaction was some day ( many years ago) horrible.

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It's still not so bad because it could be worse

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Hello mombasa,
welcome to forum ...
i guess 31 years is a very long period ...
but it is great that you are trying to create a new journey !
did u read the recovery course ?? it would be very helpful

Good luck !

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They reached the moon , while i was watching porn !
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I need to be serious to do something about it , I don't want to repeat the same nightmare over and over again until i am 60 or 70 !!

thanks sami for encouragement,

I've read the free recovery course and decided to choose only the things that are convincing for me.
I endured 3 days without porn and mast. and today in the morning I acted out , but I'm not a bit upset because my goal was 3 sober days, no more ( so for me it's success and the acting out was planned). My next goal is 4 sober days and I'm working on it now.
sami I've read all your posts to get you better to know.

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mombasa
I would like to suggest something that will help you.
If you set a goal of 3 or 4 days sober, your brain says, "Ok, I will wait till then because I will be rewarded for me being sober. The reward is PORN".
Try this, don't set a goal of x amount of days. Just focus on the recovery process.
Start to fill your life with other good things and focus on the recovery things like
Journaling
ERP
Breathing
Reading about this problem

Try that rather and see how it goes. The days go by quickly.
Peter

Hi Peter,

Thanks for your advice. I will try to explain you why I prefere my own method now. I tried to give up porn and masturb. many times - always with such a method - I did my best to stop it on a definite day and fight with all power in order to withstand the more time the better, but after 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 weeks my body and psyche were on the verge of explosion.
The frustration and fear of fall increased day after day . I hardly could stand it and in the end the day would come when the dam would break so that I acted out not 1,2 but several times during 1,2 sometimes more days ( and did it tens of hours ) that all always finished in a deep depresion.

Therefore I prefere now milder a method that would be a gradual one. In one sense you are right - after some days of sobrierity is porn and mastu.a gratification, but only for my brain and body because for my soul and intellect it's a sin and captivity and I know that I'm tolerating it only temporary and I'm awaiting the days when I will be able to live without that addiction for long time.
That's why I'll be stretching the sober period more and more. I treat this as if I did a preparation for a marathon - it weren't wise to start in marathon without gradually preparation - your body and psyche wouldn't bear it.
I remember my fellow worker trying to give up smoking ( he smoked 60 cigarettes a day and he suddenly stopped to do that - the effect was enormous headaches and almost heart attack. His family doctor shouted at him that he should smoke some cigarettes a day and only gradually reduce the amount of them ).
I'm doing like that with my addiction, but when I encounter better a method for me I'm going to change it.

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I acted out yesterday. my wife and children went to my in-laws. I'm always weak when there are such opportunities . I did it long 6 hours yesterday and 2 today.
I've started to fight my addiction so I haven't been defeated - it's a war I only lost two battles and now I'm winning because I'm resisting the addiction. I won't say you - it's my day 1, because I haven't been defeated . Such is the war and all wars you can loose several or a lot of battles but if you are still fighting you're sure now the enemy is loosing.
What I do to reinforce my army ( the right wolf) is regularly praying, reading Bible, your journals and postponing acting out.

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hi everybody struggling with this sewage,

on last saturday I acted out. it was because of the failure on thursday ( 6 hours mast. and porn) - it's too much and the body requires more its drugs as a result. I went to confession direct before Christmas and heard among other things that there are people who aren't suitable either for living alone in chastity or for marriage.
I imagined that is truth, we all have hurt our spouses and whoever hasn't got married so far or found his partner should wait in my opinion untill he recovers (realistically thinking untill he does that sewage only several times during a year and not during a month or week ) and my further suggestion - say nothing your wife, partner it will be her additional burden and she won't be able to help you - because it's only dependent on you and before you are able to win some years can pass by.
no guarantee that you won't come back to that mess after some months or even years of sobriety and your wife will be living in continuous fear if you.... I wonder who gave this suggestion to tell everything one's wife? I mean the only exeption is if your wife got to know by accident that you masturbate and see porn then you have no choice you must tell her about your addiction, sickness and your struggle.

Now I'm doing my 4 sober days - the end is this saturday when I act out according to the plan of extending my sobriety period step by step.

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Hi Mombasa,

I have to disagree with you on a couple of points, especially honesty. I strongly believe that being honest with your partner is the necessary for you to have a good relationship. If we withhold information from our partner, over time they will be able to feel that we're not being honest. After time we will have to be honest, and I think that it's best that we volunteer this information when the relationship starts to get serious rather than years into the relationship when it would hurt them even more. That's not to say that as soon as we meet someone we should say "Hi my name is _________ and I'm a sex addict", but I think it's important we have a discussion about it before a relationship gets too serious. This is only fair. If someone were diagnosed as schizophrenic, don't you think that's something that should be brought up before the relationship got very serious?

Also, I understand what you've said about weening yourself off of pornography, and it's great that you understand the chemical interaction in our brain. Personally I am not a believer in stepping down addiction, however. If an alcoholic is completely physically dependent on alcohol, sometimes a hospital or treatment center will step them down from alcohol while keeping them under close supervision. This is because if a person is truly physically dependent on alcohol, they may die if it is cut off abruptly, and this is not true with sex addiction. With heroin addiction, addicts are given methadone to help them come off of the addiction. Methadone resembles heroin, but it is not as harmful or addictive, and it's supposed to be given under supervision. For sex addiction, healthy interaction can be viewed as our methadone. Sex is a type of interaction or relationship, and so we can replace sexual behavior by developing and working on meaningful relationships with our family, friends, other addicts at meetings (or this forum), etc. It's my opinion, and based on knowledge and experience, that the only goal we need to set is to be sober from addiction today. For me, setting a target amount of days can be dangerous, especially if there is a reward of acting out at the end of it. Again this is my opinion, but I feel like setting a date you will act out is just training your brain to view acting out as even more of a reward.

I am glad you're here and want to be a better person; I hope you do not take this personally but rather keep an open mind to others' opinion and experience.

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Hi absolution,

thanks for your advice. Your words are my motto now:

I observed that it's impossible for me to get rid of porn and mast. at once. it's been always a kind of shock for my brain and body when I try to give it up too fast. the suspence was so enormous that each day without P/M was for me as pain rather. I've been addicted for 30 years mind you - it's more than some of you are on this earth. I mean one can't await from anybody that they are able to run the marathon if they didn't start with smaller segments.

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I mean it's much better to overcome one's own addiction and then to start a healthy relationship with a women ( as a free man). Is it not dangerous if one treats their partner subconsciuosly as a form of methadon? To be altogether honest one should ask their partner if they agree to be during some time my methadone, in my view. Apart from this when one becomes P/M-free and as a result he will be able to start relationship with a woman - it can be the highest reward for overcoming the addiction.


I mean it's true if one's intention is to refrain from P/M in order to experience more extasy later, but my intention is to quit that sewage - it's only a dosage of methadone. ąnd when I am able to live without P/M at least 60 days I will be able to try quitting P/M and no more to treat that sewage as methadon. Hopefully I will be able then to run the whole marathon.
It's my plan for now but I know I can get my facts wrong. Maybe you're quite right ,absolution - if I fail with my method I'll change my views.

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